Your post deeply resonated with me, OP. I am a mother but still find myself wishing I had a "cheerleader" in life like my friends with wonderful parents do. But, after a falling out with my sister that made me realize I'm truly on my own and that neither she nor anyone else will be a "surrogate" mother type for me, I am finally starting to be independent and to trust myself as someone who is wise and loving to herself. I don't need a "cheerleader" mother or a loving mother because I can be those things to me.

I resonate with OP, because I too had a childhood where I was not cared for in the way children deserve.

It is a missing piece and it can never be filled, because we cannot go back to childhood. (And, I mean, I wouldn't).

I have embraced the downside of my childhood, which is that I am very resilient, I have crawled myself out of every hole I have ever found myself in, and I'm confident I could do it again if I had to. I will never feel what it's like to be a child that was cared for, and I know I cannot recreate that, and while it's unfair, I'm pleased with my life. We are all dealt a hand and some of us get one that's not as good as others.

Anonymous wrote:You need to let it go. At fifty this is weird. Are you going to carry this with you into your 80s? Read the Bhagavad Gita and learn to accept and move on.

The message here (although delivered harshly) is on point. Although I have no idea about the recommended book.

You are operating on the assumption that something is owed to you. I’m sorry for the abuse and neglect you suffered as a child.

Instead of looking for something you don’t believe you have or feel you are owed, try looking around to see the ways in which you are shown love and are cared for every day in your life. It could be in the smallest of ways.

OP I could have wrote this myself. I feel the same exact way and have a horrible childhood past as well and basically raised myself. The thoughts that I'm now aging and have no children either and no one to take care of me and health issues already makes me feel like giving up. Emotionally or physically I have no one. I don't have any advice but I want you to not feel alone in these feelings, I'm right there with you.

Anonymous wrote:I am just like you OP. I could have written your post. I have tried to reframe what being taken care of means so I satisfice with small gestures. I also tell myself that most people don’t get taken care of. It is part of the human condition. What really worries me is old age, I have come to assume that nobody will take care of me once I am no longer able to take care of myself.

I handle this fear by taking as much care of myself as possible. I work out, I eat well, I take vitamins, I get all my screening tests, I see a doctor when I don't feel right. This is a gift I gave myself when I turned 40. I may not have anyone to really care for me, but I do have health insurance.

I am just like you OP. I could have written your post. I have tried to reframe what being taken care of means so I satisfice with small gestures. I also tell myself that most people don’t get taken care of. It is part of the human condition. What really worries me is old age, I have come to assume that nobody will take care of me once I am no longer able to take care of myself.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP is not exactly a ringing endorsement of the effectiveness of therapy.

Uh, a person who was abused and neglected as a child who becomes an adult in their 40s/50s with a functional family, with no apparent abuse or neglect in their marriage or parenting, is like the pinnacle of success from a mental health perspective. It doesn't get much better than that. So OP still struggles a bit with what was missing from her dysfunctional childhood? Thinks about it calmly and looks for solutions? Again, this is a success story.

What exactly are you looking for here?

An adult?

I know it's hard for some people to understand this, but clearly and calmly communicating negative emotions and experiences without blame or anger is one of the most emotionally mature, adult things you can do. Adults can have issues and struggle. Maturity is being able to deal with those things in a rational, productive way, instead of ignoring or suppressing and having them come out in other, dysfunctional ways.

But there is blame and anger, for the parents and for anyone else who isn't "caring". Solution is to stop looking for care and measuring how much care you give others.

That's a good solution for people who benefit from the imbalance.

then don't do any "caring" then, who wants to be cared for by someone who is counting on their fingers I cared for you in this way this many times now it is my turn! Don't bother.

Yes that is what usually happens -- people give until it becomes obvious that you have no intention of ever reciprocating, eventually become resentful, and if they are smart, drop the rope and let you fend for yourself.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP is not exactly a ringing endorsement of the effectiveness of therapy.

Uh, a person who was abused and neglected as a child who becomes an adult in their 40s/50s with a functional family, with no apparent abuse or neglect in their marriage or parenting, is like the pinnacle of success from a mental health perspective. It doesn't get much better than that. So OP still struggles a bit with what was missing from her dysfunctional childhood? Thinks about it calmly and looks for solutions? Again, this is a success story.

What exactly are you looking for here?

An adult?

I know it's hard for some people to understand this, but clearly and calmly communicating negative emotions and experiences without blame or anger is one of the most emotionally mature, adult things you can do. Adults can have issues and struggle. Maturity is being able to deal with those things in a rational, productive way, instead of ignoring or suppressing and having them come out in other, dysfunctional ways.

But there is blame and anger, for the parents and for anyone else who isn't "caring". Solution is to stop looking for care and measuring how much care you give others.

That's a good solution for people who benefit from the imbalance.

then don't do any "caring" then, who wants to be cared for by someone who is counting on their fingers I cared for you in this way this many times now it is my turn! Don't bother.

05/09/2024 12:28 poster here.

We have some similarities, OP.

While I was very fortunate to have a childhood that others envied (constant trips, parties, extracurriculars, lots of "things"), there were also also negatives (death of a parent in early childhood, sexual abuse, a self-absorbed parent with likely ADHD, etc.). Therapy has helped with these.

My spouse also sounds similar -- a good person but very different from me. For a while, I even told him almost exactly what I needed him to say (basically a script) for emotional support. He liked this method, but I tired of doing it.

I often take on the caretaker role for my adult child and parents. I do set boundaries. I am also an INFJ in Myers-Briggs, an 100% introvert, get together with family often but no close friends except a couple from childhood I barely see. I'm my own best friend and am most comfortable alone. I love my family and I know they love me.

I am lucky in that I have a therapist (again, fit is vital) I can afford who "gets" me. Yes, I pay out of pocket for someone to listen to me. She is that safe space just for me. Mostly she listens, occasionally she challenges or encourages. I feel so much better -- lighter -- afterwards. Then I continue on with life's challenges until the next time I see her.

People are different. Given my personality and background, this works for me -- talking to friends/family, making new friends, etc. doesn't.

OP needs to find what works for her.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP is not exactly a ringing endorsement of the effectiveness of therapy.

Uh, a person who was abused and neglected as a child who becomes an adult in their 40s/50s with a functional family, with no apparent abuse or neglect in their marriage or parenting, is like the pinnacle of success from a mental health perspective. It doesn't get much better than that. So OP still struggles a bit with what was missing from her dysfunctional childhood? Thinks about it calmly and looks for solutions? Again, this is a success story.

What exactly are you looking for here?

An adult?

I know it's hard for some people to understand this, but clearly and calmly communicating negative emotions and experiences without blame or anger is one of the most emotionally mature, adult things you can do. Adults can have issues and struggle. Maturity is being able to deal with those things in a rational, productive way, instead of ignoring or suppressing and having them come out in other, dysfunctional ways.

But there is blame and anger, for the parents and for anyone else who isn't "caring". Solution is to stop looking for care and measuring how much care you give others.

That's a good solution for people who benefit from the imbalance.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP is not exactly a ringing endorsement of the effectiveness of therapy.

Uh, a person who was abused and neglected as a child who becomes an adult in their 40s/50s with a functional family, with no apparent abuse or neglect in their marriage or parenting, is like the pinnacle of success from a mental health perspective. It doesn't get much better than that. So OP still struggles a bit with what was missing from her dysfunctional childhood? Thinks about it calmly and looks for solutions? Again, this is a success story.

What exactly are you looking for here?

An adult?

I know it's hard for some people to understand this, but clearly and calmly communicating negative emotions and experiences without blame or anger is one of the most emotionally mature, adult things you can do. Adults can have issues and struggle. Maturity is being able to deal with those things in a rational, productive way, instead of ignoring or suppressing and having them come out in other, dysfunctional ways.

But there is blame and anger, for the parents and for anyone else who isn't "caring". Solution is to stop looking for care and measuring how much care you give others.

Where? Point to the comments from OP with blame and anger.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP is not exactly a ringing endorsement of the effectiveness of therapy.

Uh, a person who was abused and neglected as a child who becomes an adult in their 40s/50s with a functional family, with no apparent abuse or neglect in their marriage or parenting, is like the pinnacle of success from a mental health perspective. It doesn't get much better than that. So OP still struggles a bit with what was missing from her dysfunctional childhood? Thinks about it calmly and looks for solutions? Again, this is a success story.

What exactly are you looking for here?

An adult?

I know it's hard for some people to understand this, but clearly and calmly communicating negative emotions and experiences without blame or anger is one of the most emotionally mature, adult things you can do. Adults can have issues and struggle. Maturity is being able to deal with those things in a rational, productive way, instead of ignoring or suppressing and having them come out in other, dysfunctional ways.

But there is blame and anger, for the parents and for anyone else who isn't "caring". Solution is to stop looking for care and measuring how much care you give others.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP is not exactly a ringing endorsement of the effectiveness of therapy.

Uh, a person who was abused and neglected as a child who becomes an adult in their 40s/50s with a functional family, with no apparent abuse or neglect in their marriage or parenting, is like the pinnacle of success from a mental health perspective. It doesn't get much better than that. So OP still struggles a bit with what was missing from her dysfunctional childhood? Thinks about it calmly and looks for solutions? Again, this is a success story.

What exactly are you looking for here?

An adult?

I know it's hard for some people to understand this, but clearly and calmly communicating negative emotions and experiences without blame or anger is one of the most emotionally mature, adult things you can do. Adults can have issues and struggle. Maturity is being able to deal with those things in a rational, productive way, instead of ignoring or suppressing and having them come out in other, dysfunctional ways.