See if he will try marriage counselling. Why not?

Affair

Anonymous wrote:Emotional affair at work

And note that emotional slides easily to physical, even if only tête a tête lunches and sneaking off to the car or broom closets at work. Ask me how i know. Does neither of you ever travel?

I am the spouse you describe but in my case it’s because I am the breadwinner and have shouldered the majority also of the admin for many years and at a certain point the resentment just eroded the respect and intimacy.
Not sure if that’s the case for you but if so I’d go ambition shopping and try to lean in so your spouse can chill for a second
If not the issue then I would guess affair

Oh, and if like others suggested, his behavior is classic, but you (and even I) am not 100% convinced, talk to a PI on the phone. They’ll know if he’s a classic cheater.

Want to cut to the chase? Immediate and cost effective way to know if he is cheating.
Get your ducks in a row. Then, ask your husband if he’s cheating. Know what you will do if he says yes. (And leave yourself room to change your mind.). If/when he says No of course not darling! Then you say ok good! So you won’t mind taking a lie detector test. I have arranged for one to be here at 8pm (or soon). Btdt and the Confession began, (so I canceled the test). Prior to this idea,. I spent hours and worried, checking phone, bank statements, hiding out down the street from his office, thought about spending hundreds at least to have him followed. Thought about putting a tracker on his car. But this idea was the simplest and cleanest and most reliable. Also btdt about the muddle. Nothing super wrong, not much very right. Lots of evasiveness. You have to know bc you wrote a clear statement that if he is, you’re done. So get that factor out of the way. If he is not cheating, appreciate him and take the long view of marriage and happiness.

Anonymous wrote:OP, if you’re contemplating the logistics of divorce, your brain knows what your heart isn’t ready to accept. And I understand that. But as cliché as it sounds, I agree that your husband is having an affair. And no amount of date nights, counseling, or trips away is going to solve that. You need to blow it up, and that means you need to figure it out. Tile in the car, keystroke monitor device, whatever it takes. It’s humiliating and you’re gonna have to do some digging, but I believe you’ll find what you’re looking for. It’s only then that this is going to change.

Agree. hate to say it OP, but his behavior is classic.

Anonymous wrote:Textbook work affair or online affair

This is exactly how my ex-husband behaved while having an affair with a colleague. He left to be with her. Didn't last all that long but his midlife crisis got even worse > divorce that I never would have wanted (sn child, $ was already tight due to therapies, etc.)

Hope your situation works out better, OP.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How much does he drink, OP? Any chance he’s drinking more than you think?

Withdrawn and irritable at home and “this is how I manage stress” raises red flags for heavy drinking for me.

No, he doesn’t drink.

He’s a bit of a health nut.

DP here. This could be any number of health issues. Also, overuse of supplements can cause this. This can also be general unhappiness and introversion getting worse. Or low testosterone. Or yes, actual stress.

I don’t jump to drinking or an affair like others. I think he should get a full health workup before thinking it could be a demise of a 20-year marriage after only 6 months of things being different.

Anonymous wrote:How much does he drink, OP? Any chance he’s drinking more than you think?

Withdrawn and irritable at home and “this is how I manage stress” raises red flags for heavy drinking for me.

No, he doesn’t drink.

He’s a bit of a health nut.

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:6 months is not that long. It was 7 years without—in my 30s—before I divorced. No way my marriage worked from the beginning and no chance.

Yes, yours seems not bad enough for divorce. Yes, it can be saved.

Only if it is a goal shared by OP's spouse.

And if OP's spouse chooses to exit, delusions about "I won't give up time with my kids" is moot, court will order 5050 even if spouse is having an affair. OP has VERY little control re: life and family life moving forward is the reality.

OP, get your ducks in order financially and consult with a lawyer. In case your spouse files first you don't want to be blindsided.

I just find it shocking that people are jumping to “can this marriage be saved” when they’re only has been a lack of intimacy for six months only out of all these years; it’s kind of ridiculous. It sounds like low tea or midlife crisis to me or something else or even a health condition or even erectile dysfunction.

It goes without saying, of course, both people have to wanna save it to have it be saved, but the general question of “can this marriage be saved?” is off…of course it can…Everybody knows it takes two people to save it.) this is not a post where there are dealbreaker, toxic problems that are long-term or something where people would assume of course it can’t be saved. It’s the opposite. This seems like a speed bump and maybe it’s not but I’m just surprised at the description in the post thinking it’s that dire after just six months of things being different.

So have you and your spouse gone more than 6 months without ever touching each other? Not even a hug?

And did your spouse essentially ignore you during those 6 months?

Zero happy conversations.

Just short responses to questions. Only engaging on a need to know parenting or house-related item.

I’m not talking about an otherwise happy or decent situation that simply lacks sex.

And, in hindsight, it’s been a few years of what feels like a slow roll towards the bottom.

If you have btdt, then please tell me how you improved the marriage. That’s why I posted.

Yes…for 7 out of 10 YEARS (no affection, no talking, no dates, no sex, no hugs, no relationship): I got divorced at year 10. I was not talking about just sex either. 6 months of a lack of relationship is not that long…when you get to 1.5 or 2 years with no improvement, that is when it is a death spiral.

Also, this could be a health issue: get a full work up including testosterone levels. Also, see a neurologist…behavior changes can be a brain tumor.

Jumping to the idea is divorce after only six months is mind boggling.

Staying in your situation for 10 YEARS is mind-boggling.

I was in another state. I could not get trapped there.

By the way, divorced people can’t win. People judge for not trying harder usually.. then this reaction. I wanted out immediately. My physical location made it impossible. I had to get back to DC.

Just be happy it was not you. It is not like I wanted to be in that situation.

How is they doing op?