OP, here is an example. Say your daughter gets in a similar argument type inappropriate thing with a kid at school, like the one you described. And you want to give an consequence. Okay. So here are some ideas.

A) Ground her. No opportunity to repair relationship, no opportunity to practice social skills. Lots of opportunity to sit home and ruminate in anxiety.

B) Written apology note. This teaches a social skill, may help repair the relationship, and is a chance to review what went wrong and identify better ways to react.

C) Discuss incident with teacher or counselor and make a plan for how to behave in that kind of situation.

D) Role play with a parent or teacher how to behave in that situation, plus do a chore as a consequence.

Can't you see that these are all consequences, which are unpleasant to DD and will have deterrent effect, but consequence A doesn't teach any skills and hinders her socially? You need to choose your consequences more strategically.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DD10 has very low frustration tolerance. We've had several assessments, but nothing has turned up beyond "mild anxiety" for which she has been in unsuccessful therapy. Unfortunately, her private school is no longer willing to handle her outbursts and has suggested she go public next year.

She will be devastated. And obviously, she'll blame herself. What can we do to make this transition better for her?

Well, she has herself to blame. My suggestion is work with that. Behavior has consequences. This is a teaching moment.

What other consequences? She's basically been grounded all year (no friends over). She has zero devices left. I haven't decided if losing the last was permanent. I'm honestly at a loss of what else there is.

Do you realize how stupid and outlandish and rigid you sound? What you're essentially saying is, "We've been doing the exact same things over and over again for years and they aren't working. How do we continue doing the exact same thing?" Your parenting is a serious problem. It's not working. Whatever you did for your other kids, this one is different. It is literally unbelievable to me that you cannot see this and think you should just do more of the same punishing that already hasn't been working for years. You need a completely different approach and viewpoint and probably family therapy. Not "what else can we take away?" A totally different paradigm. Because this one isn't working for this child.

Obviously I can't reward a child like this, and the early posters realized that.

This is literally the problem encapsulated. You need another framing than punishment and reward. Your rigid adherence to only being able to see the world through that is hurting your daughter and your family because you’re stuck in a pattern that isn’t helping. I am so confused by why you can’t see that if what you are doing is NOT WORKING and hasn’t for years, why it doesn’t occur to you to try something else or wonder if you are wrong. Or get professional help. Which you desperately need. It’s like you get some kind of perverse satisfaction or justice fetish out of depriving your daughter of things and punishing her and everything is utterly black and white in your world.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How much studying does a 10 yo need to do? Go over her spelling words?

Maybe piano isn’t a good fit. Does she even want to play the piano of is this something you force her to do?

She has tests every other week or so, so yes, there's a lot of studying. Claims she doesn't need to study because she knows all the material, but I don't think so. She asked to learn the piano, but she refuses to practice, and so I routinely get really embarrassing emails from her teacher about her lack of progression.

I really feel bad for DD. You are the problem OP

Because I don't like being accused of letting my child slack off when I spend every evening reminding, asking, begging, bribing, cajoling, and threating, only to be ignored? Sure, ok. I'm the problem.

Nobody is saying to let her slack off. I suspect that she is actually working very hard to cope with her anxiety, its consequences in the real world, and your rigid and unhelpful parenting.

People are saying you are the problem for persisting in a parenting approach that you acknowledge is not effective. There are many other methods to try. Pick something else.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DD10 has very low frustration tolerance. We've had several assessments, but nothing has turned up beyond "mild anxiety" for which she has been in unsuccessful therapy. Unfortunately, her private school is no longer willing to handle her outbursts and has suggested she go public next year.

She will be devastated. And obviously, she'll blame herself. What can we do to make this transition better for her?

Well, she has herself to blame. My suggestion is work with that. Behavior has consequences. This is a teaching moment.

What other consequences? She's basically been grounded all year (no friends over). She has zero devices left. I haven't decided if losing the last was permanent. I'm honestly at a loss of what else there is.

Do you realize how stupid and outlandish and rigid you sound? What you're essentially saying is, "We've been doing the exact same things over and over again for years and they aren't working. How do we continue doing the exact same thing?" Your parenting is a serious problem. It's not working. Whatever you did for your other kids, this one is different. It is literally unbelievable to me that you cannot see this and think you should just do more of the same punishing that already hasn't been working for years. You need a completely different approach and viewpoint and probably family therapy. Not "what else can we take away?" A totally different paradigm. Because this one isn't working for this child.

Obviously I can't reward a child like this, and the early posters realized that.

Yes, you are the problem, or at least part of it. You need to intervene *differently* because what you are doing now is failing and has failed for years. Stop thinking as if all responses are either a punishment or reward. Think of a way to intervene such that her behavior is not rewarded or tolerated, but the intervention sets her on an improvement path. Like if an athlete has poor endurance, the coach might assign them to run laps rather than something more fun, but the coach would not have them sit out and not get any exercise.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DD10 has very low frustration tolerance. We've had several assessments, but nothing has turned up beyond "mild anxiety" for which she has been in unsuccessful therapy. Unfortunately, her private school is no longer willing to handle her outbursts and has suggested she go public next year.

She will be devastated. And obviously, she'll blame herself. What can we do to make this transition better for her?

Well, she has herself to blame. My suggestion is work with that. Behavior has consequences. This is a teaching moment.

What other consequences? She's basically been grounded all year (no friends over). She has zero devices left. I haven't decided if losing the last was permanent. I'm honestly at a loss of what else there is.

Do you realize how stupid and outlandish and rigid you sound? What you're essentially saying is, "We've been doing the exact same things over and over again for years and they aren't working. How do we continue doing the exact same thing?" Your parenting is a serious problem. It's not working. Whatever you did for your other kids, this one is different. It is literally unbelievable to me that you cannot see this and think you should just do more of the same punishing that already hasn't been working for years. You need a completely different approach and viewpoint and probably family therapy. Not "what else can we take away?" A totally different paradigm. Because this one isn't working for this child.

Obviously I can't reward a child like this, and the early posters realized that.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How much studying does a 10 yo need to do? Go over her spelling words?

Maybe piano isn’t a good fit. Does she even want to play the piano of is this something you force her to do?

She has tests every other week or so, so yes, there's a lot of studying. Claims she doesn't need to study because she knows all the material, but I don't think so. She asked to learn the piano, but she refuses to practice, and so I routinely get really embarrassing emails from her teacher about her lack of progression.

I really feel bad for DD. You are the problem OP

Because I don't like being accused of letting my child slack off when I spend every evening reminding, asking, begging, bribing, cajoling, and threating, only to be ignored? Sure, ok. I'm the problem.

Maybe she would be less anxious if she were allowed to spend time with other children, so that she could repair her social relationships and improve her social skills. If she were failing PE, would you stop her from exercising? If she were failing Spanish would you take away DuoLingo? Come on. You're undermining your own goals for her.

Nobody is saying not to discipline or give consequences, OP. But you have to choose your consequences carefully with an eye to her long term development. You are being punitive and taking everything away because you are rigid and reactive yourself. Look at the big picture and change your approach.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DD10 has very low frustration tolerance. We've had several assessments, but nothing has turned up beyond "mild anxiety" for which she has been in unsuccessful therapy. Unfortunately, her private school is no longer willing to handle her outbursts and has suggested she go public next year.

She will be devastated. And obviously, she'll blame herself. What can we do to make this transition better for her?

Well, she has herself to blame. My suggestion is work with that. Behavior has consequences. This is a teaching moment.

What other consequences? She's basically been grounded all year (no friends over). She has zero devices left. I haven't decided if losing the last was permanent. I'm honestly at a loss of what else there is.

The consequence is she has to change schools. I'd probably switch from disciplinarian to supporter. Support her feelings, acknowledge that this stinks and you're rooting for her to do better at her new school.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How much studying does a 10 yo need to do? Go over her spelling words?

Maybe piano isn’t a good fit. Does she even want to play the piano of is this something you force her to do?

She has tests every other week or so, so yes, there's a lot of studying. Claims she doesn't need to study because she knows all the material, but I don't think so. She asked to learn the piano, but she refuses to practice, and so I routinely get really embarrassing emails from her teacher about her lack of progression.

I really feel bad for DD. You are the problem OP

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DD10 has very low frustration tolerance. We've had several assessments, but nothing has turned up beyond "mild anxiety" for which she has been in unsuccessful therapy. Unfortunately, her private school is no longer willing to handle her outbursts and has suggested she go public next year.

She will be devastated. And obviously, she'll blame herself. What can we do to make this transition better for her?

Well, she has herself to blame. My suggestion is work with that. Behavior has consequences. This is a teaching moment.

What other consequences? She's basically been grounded all year (no friends over). She has zero devices left. I haven't decided if losing the last was permanent. I'm honestly at a loss of what else there is.

And you wonder why she is anxious?! Probably because she is worried her mom will take her bed away if she isn’t perfect.

This! No wonder she is a mess. All you do is express disdain and take away the things that could improve her mental health! If you need to give a consequence, make it something more beneficial like doing a chore *with you* so that she develops life skills and has some satisfaction of helping out. You really, really need to re-think your approach.

As for her rigidity and frustration tolerance, OP, she is the apple and you are the tree.

Anonymous wrote:You sound horrible and mean to your own child, OP.

Life IS interesting and you should be enjoying it with her and showing her the wonder in the world. Do you engage her at all or just order her around? Do you go on nature walks and talk to her?

+1

Anonymous wrote:We switched schools to private from mcps during Covid. I know it’s a different situation but we just told our kid, then 9 that we were switching schools for a better fit and because they had a plan for Covid. I’m sure she was sad but after a year of homeschool she was also happy to be in person.
If your kid is crying every day she’s not happy. She might be relieved to switch schools. It’s how you frame it to her.
Grounding and discipline doesn’t seem to be working so try other methods at home. Maybe an incentive reward chart. Change the consequences to something for bad behavior.

+1 to this. I never thought it would use an incentive chart, but it turned out to work well for my naturally anxious kid and didn't make her spoiled. For my other kids it would be a disaster.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DD10 has very low frustration tolerance. We've had several assessments, but nothing has turned up beyond "mild anxiety" for which she has been in unsuccessful therapy. Unfortunately, her private school is no longer willing to handle her outbursts and has suggested she go public next year.

She will be devastated. And obviously, she'll blame herself. What can we do to make this transition better for her?

Well, she has herself to blame. My suggestion is work with that. Behavior has consequences. This is a teaching moment.

What other consequences? She's basically been grounded all year (no friends over). She has zero devices left. I haven't decided if losing the last was permanent. I'm honestly at a loss of what else there is.

And you wonder why she is anxious?! Probably because she is worried her mom will take her bed away if she isn’t perfect.

I agree with devices but I wouldn’t take away friends or any kind of social activity as a consequence. I don’t take away fresh air and exercise either. So my kid might lose screens on a Saturday but we’ll still meet friends at a park.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DD10 has very low frustration tolerance. We've had several assessments, but nothing has turned up beyond "mild anxiety" for which she has been in unsuccessful therapy. Unfortunately, her private school is no longer willing to handle her outbursts and has suggested she go public next year.

She will be devastated. And obviously, she'll blame herself. What can we do to make this transition better for her?

Well, she has herself to blame. My suggestion is work with that. Behavior has consequences. This is a teaching moment.

What other consequences? She's basically been grounded all year (no friends over). She has zero devices left. I haven't decided if losing the last was permanent. I'm honestly at a loss of what else there is.

Do you realize how stupid and outlandish and rigid you sound? What you're essentially saying is, "We've been doing the exact same things over and over again for years and they aren't working. How do we continue doing the exact same thing?" Your parenting is a serious problem. It's not working. Whatever you did for your other kids, this one is different. It is literally unbelievable to me that you cannot see this and think you should just do more of the same punishing that already hasn't been working for years. You need a completely different approach and viewpoint and probably family therapy. Not "what else can we take away?" A totally different paradigm. Because this one isn't working for this child.