Anonymous
Post 04/02/2024 12:44     Subject: do you let friends stay at your second home?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:We have a second home at a golf/ski resort that we rent out when we're not there. We regularly have friends or family join us while we're there, and we treat them like guests. If they ever asked for the use of the home while we're not there, I would actually feel rather taken advantage of and might even be less likely to invite them in the future because it would feel like they were coming to spend time at the house rather than spend time with us. I hope no one ever asks!


I'm the OP. This is exactly how I feel.


Then let's be real. These aren't good friends. They are just friends you like to hang with occasionally. I would never feel taken advantage of by my good friends. If I don't know you well, that's different.
Anonymous
Post 04/02/2024 12:42     Subject: do you let friends stay at your second home?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I would say no. It’s weird and entitled for them to ask, particularly if not accompanied by an offer to pay.



I agree! Extremely entitled. They had the gall to ask, and you can say no. “I’m sorry, it’s closed up for the season!”


You guys have to be the cheapest group of people I've ever seen. You have the house. You are paying for it. Will it kill you if your kindly say yes? I am so glad I have more generous friends than you. Sometimes we want to borrow things from our friends. I feel like it's the least I can do for good friends.
Anonymous
Post 04/02/2024 12:40     Subject: do you let friends stay at your second home?
So strange. We invite our friends to take their families all the time. We even have a lock box on the side for our friends. We bought the house to be used. We want people to enjoy it. We don't rent it out.
Anonymous
Post 04/02/2024 12:27     Subject: Re:do you let friends stay at your second home?
Anonymous wrote:So many people on DCUM just assume that others have bad intentions, including their close friends. That's weird to me. It's clear that OP doesn't want to let her friends stay there because she perceives that they're asking for a monetary gift (which I don't see, but whatever), and will dig her heels in farther and farther any time there is pushback. So you do you, OP. I think it will be awkward this way, but you seem prepared to deal with that.


Yeah, I can only think they must not have very good friends. It would never occur to me that my friends only like my second home, not me.
Anonymous
Post 04/02/2024 12:24     Subject: Re:do you let friends stay at your second home?
Anonymous wrote:So many people on DCUM just assume that others have bad intentions, including their close friends. That's weird to me. It's clear that OP doesn't want to let her friends stay there because she perceives that they're asking for a monetary gift (which I don't see, but whatever), and will dig her heels in farther and farther any time there is pushback. So you do you, OP. I think it will be awkward this way, but you seem prepared to deal with that.


I think the friends made it awkward.
Anonymous
Post 04/02/2024 12:22     Subject: do you let friends stay at your second home?
Anonymous wrote:If you already rent it out I don’t see the issue. I would ask them to pay whatever costs are associated though—cleaners, etc.


This. Do you think they'd be more irresponsible than strangers? I would ask them to pay for the costs of cleaning/opening/closing for when people visit. So if cleaning is $150, ask them for $200 to also cover the property manager's time who comes by after (or whatever you are thinking).
Anonymous
Post 04/02/2024 12:15     Subject: Re:do you let friends stay at your second home?
So many people on DCUM just assume that others have bad intentions, including their close friends. That's weird to me. It's clear that OP doesn't want to let her friends stay there because she perceives that they're asking for a monetary gift (which I don't see, but whatever), and will dig her heels in farther and farther any time there is pushback. So you do you, OP. I think it will be awkward this way, but you seem prepared to deal with that.
Anonymous
Post 04/02/2024 12:14     Subject: do you let friends stay at your second home?
I think it would be different if they knew you used it as a rental property and they asked if they could rent it. Eg “Tom and I really enjoyed our last stay with you. If your place is available the weekend of X, we would love to rent it from you!”
It would be weird if you just went on VRBO to rent it without mentioning it directly.
Anonymous
Post 04/02/2024 11:56     Subject: do you let friends stay at your second home?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:We have a second home at a golf/ski resort that we rent out when we're not there. We regularly have friends or family join us while we're there, and we treat them like guests. If they ever asked for the use of the home while we're not there, I would actually feel rather taken advantage of and might even be less likely to invite them in the future because it would feel like they were coming to spend time at the house rather than spend time with us. I hope no one ever asks!


I'm the OP. This is exactly how I feel.


+2. Well said.

Anonymous
Post 04/02/2024 11:55     Subject: do you let friends stay at your second home?
Anonymous wrote:We have a second home at a golf/ski resort that we rent out when we're not there. We regularly have friends or family join us while we're there, and we treat them like guests. If they ever asked for the use of the home while we're not there, I would actually feel rather taken advantage of and might even be less likely to invite them in the future because it would feel like they were coming to spend time at the house rather than spend time with us. I hope no one ever asks!


I'm the OP. This is exactly how I feel.
Anonymous
Post 04/02/2024 11:55     Subject: do you let friends stay at your second home?
So no one can ever ask for anything without feeling entitled? So glad I don't see my friends this way. They have stayed at our rental property on the Eastern Shore several times...paying for cleaning after and never in high season. We are happy that our friends can have this getaway.

However, I trust my friends. One couple broke a lamp and replaced it immediately. I don't have scrubs for friends.
Anonymous
Post 04/02/2024 11:50     Subject: do you let friends stay at your second home?
We have a second home at a golf/ski resort that we rent out when we're not there. We regularly have friends or family join us while we're there, and we treat them like guests. If they ever asked for the use of the home while we're not there, I would actually feel rather taken advantage of and might even be less likely to invite them in the future because it would feel like they were coming to spend time at the house rather than spend time with us. I hope no one ever asks!
Anonymous
Post 04/02/2024 11:49     Subject: do you let friends stay at your second home?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:We have a condo in NYC. We don't allow anyone outside the family to stay there. If you're not blood, married in, or adopted in, you can't stay.


+1. Same. People generally do not treat your house the way you would treat it. I have only let one small group stay at one of our other homes, and that was at the height of covid, and I knew all of the members of the group well, and for many years. They gave a super generous thank you gift for the house, which we would never have bought on our own - they were truly grateful.

People who feel entitled? No way. Plus, people generally have zero idea what it takes to maintain a non-primary home, and the expenses involved - which is exacerbated if something breaks, etc. There are cleaning fees, caretaker fees, upkeep fees, etc. People have asked to bring their dog! It is easier to just shut it down early, instead of having to revisit the question. If you want to invite them to visit while you are there, that is different. We generally don't do that, because we want to see our friends and family from home (where it is located) and catch up.

No one has rights to your place, OP.


They've got strangers from the internet staying there every week!


The strangers are vetted, and the strangers pay to use the house, and there are deposits to make sure that nothing is wrong with the house at the end of their use. There are other parameters in place to ensure that the contract is abided by.


Trusting strangers that are "vetted" by Airbnb/VRBO over friends you've known and vacationed with for years is pretty weird.


Or maybe the friends are not as good of friends as they think they are, or have done something sketchy in the past, to make the owners not want them there. Wonder what would make someone feel so entitled to another persons' house?
Anonymous
Post 04/02/2024 11:46     Subject: do you let friends stay at your second home?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:We have a condo in NYC. We don't allow anyone outside the family to stay there. If you're not blood, married in, or adopted in, you can't stay.


+1. Same. People generally do not treat your house the way you would treat it. I have only let one small group stay at one of our other homes, and that was at the height of covid, and I knew all of the members of the group well, and for many years. They gave a super generous thank you gift for the house, which we would never have bought on our own - they were truly grateful.

People who feel entitled? No way. Plus, people generally have zero idea what it takes to maintain a non-primary home, and the expenses involved - which is exacerbated if something breaks, etc. There are cleaning fees, caretaker fees, upkeep fees, etc. People have asked to bring their dog! It is easier to just shut it down early, instead of having to revisit the question. If you want to invite them to visit while you are there, that is different. We generally don't do that, because we want to see our friends and family from home (where it is located) and catch up.

No one has rights to your place, OP.


They've got strangers from the internet staying there every week!


The strangers are vetted, and the strangers pay to use the house, and there are deposits to make sure that nothing is wrong with the house at the end of their use. There are other parameters in place to ensure that the contract is abided by.


Trusting strangers that are "vetted" by Airbnb/VRBO over friends you've known and vacationed with for years is pretty weird.
Anonymous
Post 04/02/2024 11:46     Subject: do you let friends stay at your second home?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:It is totally unreasonable for them to ask. If I regularly give a person a ride in my car then I have plans to go out of town for a couple of weeks , it isn’t reasonable the person asks to borrow my car. They can go get a rental car.

Your house is an asset and you can rent it for probably $1000 for a spring weekend. Friends wouldn’t ask for a $1000 so why do they think it is ok to use something worth $1000.

It is a slippery slope. Once you say yes these friends will continue to pester you. Just say it is being rented off the books 📚 n case they can see the online schedule of when it is rented through a booking agency.


this is really good advice, thank you.
I think some ppl just assume being someone has a second home, they can afford that 1000 hit. These ppl know us well enough to know we cannot. Although we enjoy it, often with them, it is a business, and someone must pay the utilities, cable, internet, etc.
I suppose that's why it feels funny to us.
It could also be booked at the last minute, and has before.


People who are saying just let them stay obviously do not have investment homes or are wealthy enough that they would never sweat it if the friends caused damage to the property or they had to give up a last minute booking.

Eventually if you do let them stay you absolutely will be pressured to keep doing it and it will get more awkward. Instead of being grateful friends like this will be resentful because in their mind you will end up being the scrooge because you once let them stay and now you don't. It may also cause issues because what if something happens while they are there and the next weekend you go and find something broken, stained, etc.

The other possibility is that if they are using the house and not renting the house and you aren't there if there is an accident like they slip on your deck or patio, their insurance will try to sue your home/rental insurance. But if they didn't rent the house then rental insurance wouldn't be valid. They might not want to sue you but literally every time a family member has gone to the ER with something that could have been from an accident like a broken arm, a concussion, a sprained foot we get a letter from our insurance company wanting more information and they specifically ask where the accident happened.

Really though the absolute main reason why you should say no is that this situation it is causing you STRESS, which isn't fair to you.




Good points!
Although interestingly enough, the husband is our insurance agent for this property.
A few of you have mentioned we invited them. We did. But not for this weekend. A weekend two weeks ago where we had it blocked off for our use.


DP here. It doesn't matter if their husband is the Queen of England, the PP's points are valid. Plus, haven't you seen (or stated yourself), if there is an incident or damage, the response by the renter is something like: "oh they won't notice that" (meaning the owner). The owner, of course, notices any changes in the property and it becomes a bad situation, all around. Better to avoid and have control of your own property, for this reason. Even the most laid back friends I have with second homes do not let others use it, for this reason, or a variation thereof. People do not always treat lent property as their own. Plus, people in general can be lazy slobs. Not everyone was raised like you were.