Anonymous
Post 03/09/2024 22:37     Subject: The man I'm dating told me he'd like me to stay home after kids, I don't want to do that.
Anonymous wrote:But the thing is… you won’t really know what YOU truly want until you have them! At least you know you have the option of staying home if you want to.

With my dh, we both wanted me to SAh. After 18 mos, I knew I needed to go back to work. At that point, My dh totally supported me. I started back PT and through the years changed a few roles, added more hours and now out earn DH.

I have also had friends who wanted to work and then changed mind one baby, others who DHs were very big earners but demanded their wife’s work. The ones who DHs demanded they work have never had really happy marriages.

All that to say, one truly never knows what works for them until you are in the situation!


Did you actually read the OP? OP’s partner is only giving her ONE option, which would be to stay at home. He is not giving her any other options. Your long story is completely irrelevant.
Anonymous
Post 03/09/2024 22:36     Subject: The man I'm dating told me he'd like me to stay home after kids, I don't want to do that.
My DH said that. It’s cultural. And when Covid happened and he got laid off and I didn’t, and my investments doubled in value to boot, well guess who was the most perfect househusband ever?
Anonymous
Post 03/09/2024 22:32     Subject: Re:The man I'm dating told me he'd like me to stay home after kids, I don't want to do that.
Anonymous wrote:Why is everyone here so offended? There's nothing wrong with a traditional marriage, plenty of people go that route. I used to have a career but when my boy was born I realized how important it was for me and the family to stay with him and to not miss any steps. Having kids is a life changing experience and the things you want today might not be important tomorrow.


This is appropriate for YOU because this is what YOU want. This is not what OP wants. You also did not have a controlling, inflexible partner who forced you to give up your career and stay home, did you?
Anonymous
Post 03/09/2024 22:24     Subject: The man I'm dating told me he'd like me to stay home after kids, I don't want to do that.
Anonymous wrote:My husband expressed his desire that I stay home. I didn't like the idea too much, I was anxious and uncomfortable. When my DC was born I couldn't stay away from her and became greatful that my husband was ok with me staying home. He became very successful over the years, but all of this was the result of long office hours and traveling for business meetings. None of this would have been possible if we decided to go 50/50.

If the relationship is otherwise good, I would stick with him. You're not getting any younger and if you end this relationship you might not have children. I know you said that this is ok, but you'll probably start seeing things differently when you realize how hard it is to find a good man at your age.


OP here. I'm not anxious or uncomfortable about being a SAHM, I just find the lifestyle unappealing. I'd rather keep my career, even if part-time. I'd also rather be married to a less successful man who at least spends time with family and does his fair share of childcare.
Anonymous
Post 03/09/2024 22:22     Subject: The man I'm dating told me he'd like me to stay home after kids, I don't want to do that.
You're not the right woman for him to be the mother of his children, and he's not the right man for you to have children with.

There's no right or wrong you're just not compatible. Ideals are not a match
Anonymous
Post 03/09/2024 22:21     Subject: The man I'm dating told me he'd like me to stay home after kids, I don't want to do that.
Anonymous wrote:IDK- I wouldn’t give up on my chance to have DC. I would have loved to stay home but DH was adamantly opposed. I did transition to an easier position though.


I'm not giving up on having children, it's just that I'm not willing to enter this type of relationship just to have one.
Anonymous
Post 03/09/2024 22:18     Subject: The man I'm dating told me he'd like me to stay home after kids, I don't want to do that.
Anonymous wrote:What does this mean “ being childless is starting to become more appealing than going back to depend on another person.”

Who else has she “depended on?” Look at how she portrays her polar and dramatic options in life. That man should run and fast.


The only one being dramatic (and dumb) here is you. OP mentioned earlier that she was unemployed and supported by her ex partner for a while. I also imagine that if she's like most college educated people, she spent a few years of her adulthood financially dependent on her parents. She wants both parents to reduce ours. He's the one that wants her to quit.
Anonymous
Post 03/09/2024 22:13     Subject: The man I'm dating told me he'd like me to stay home after kids, I don't want to do that.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Not a lot of 41 year olds want to give up when they are doing for about two decades. Why is this a debate? You are old. You are going to have to compromise or find a time machine


Nobody should tolerate disrespect because of their age. If she ages out of motherhood so be it. It's better be childless than to get stuck with some dude who doesn't respect you and imposes on you a lifestyle you don't want.


What disrespect? She could be contorting what she heard. Have you read her account? Her hypothetical to him sounds one-sided. I think he should run.


OP here. I describing things exactly as they happened. He told me he wants someone to stay home. I said I'd rather we both reduce our hours if we have children and then asked him if he'd be ok with being a SAHP for while. He looked offended and said "hell no". He expects me to drop my career, but isn't willing to do the same. I find that to be one-sided.
Anonymous
Post 03/09/2024 20:38     Subject: Re:The man I'm dating told me he'd like me to stay home after kids, I don't want to do that.
Anonymous wrote:Why is everyone here so offended? There's nothing wrong with a traditional marriage, plenty of people go that route. I used to have a career but when my boy was born I realized how important it was for me and the family to stay with him and to not miss any steps. Having kids is a life changing experience and the things you want today might not be important tomorrow.


The point is that the boyfriend is a very black/white thinker and this is just one example of "his way or the highway" If he had been more flexible than perhaps it would be different and who knows op could have come to the decision that she wanted to stay home for a little bit. But, he sounds very controlling and it doesn't seem like a good fit.
Anonymous
Post 03/09/2024 20:37     Subject: The man I'm dating told me he'd like me to stay home after kids, I don't want to do that.
What does this mean “ being childless is starting to become more appealing than going back to depend on another person.”

Who else has she “depended on?” Look at how she portrays her polar and dramatic options in life. That man should run and fast.
Anonymous
Post 03/09/2024 20:35     Subject: The man I'm dating told me he'd like me to stay home after kids, I don't want to do that.
Anonymous wrote:As the title. I'm dating someone and things started getting more serious, so marriage and children plans came up. Both of us love our careers and make an income comparable to each other's and both of us have room for growth. I understand that things don't always happen exactly as we wish, but my ideal situation is that both of us take parental leave and slightly reduce our hours to take turns in taking care of kids. And of course we'd need to combine this with a good daycare. However, he's adamant that I stay home because our future children need someone to be there for them. I asked him unironically he would be ok being the one to stay home and he said "hell no". He says he's a better provider than caretaker and that I wouldn't need to worry about money at all.

I'm 36 and suffer from PCOS so I should be panicking about my biological clock, but this conversation made seriously think not only about kids, but under which conditions I'd like to raise them and honestly, being childless is starting to become more appealing than going back to depend on another person. I'm not sure if I should give this a go or if we're too different from each other for this relationship to work.


Hell no. It is better to drop this guy because he is very inflexible!
Anonymous
Post 03/09/2024 20:33     Subject: The man I'm dating told me he'd like me to stay home after kids, I don't want to do that.
NP. OP, I have a PhD and a professional degree. I wanted the big career. After the kid was born, I couldn't imagine to come home at 9pm, so I work part-time. I am very happy.
Anonymous
Post 03/09/2024 20:31     Subject: The man I'm dating told me he'd like me to stay home after kids, I don't want to do that.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Not a lot of 41 year olds want to give up when they are doing for about two decades. Why is this a debate? You are old. You are going to have to compromise or find a time machine


Nobody should tolerate disrespect because of their age. If she ages out of motherhood so be it. It's better be childless than to get stuck with some dude who doesn't respect you and imposes on you a lifestyle you don't want.


What disrespect? She could be contorting what she heard. Have you read her account? Her hypothetical to him sounds one-sided. I think he should run.
Anonymous
Post 03/09/2024 20:10     Subject: The man I'm dating told me he'd like me to stay home after kids, I don't want to do that.
Anonymous wrote:I'm a SAHM. I do most of the cleaning and the cooking for obvious reasons, but DH spends a lot of time with the kids when he is free. He also does does half of childcare and chore on weekends and goes to short trips only with thhe kids so they have alone time with him as much aa they have alone time with me. Your partner doesn't want to be a father. He wants to be a sperm donor.



I hope Op hears this.
Anonymous
Post 03/09/2024 20:04     Subject: The man I'm dating told me he'd like me to stay home after kids, I don't want to do that.
I'm a SAHM. I do most of the cleaning and the cooking for obvious reasons, but DH spends a lot of time with the kids when he is free. He also does does half of childcare and chore on weekends and goes to short trips only with thhe kids so they have alone time with him as much aa they have alone time with me. Your partner doesn't want to be a father. He wants to be a sperm donor.