Anonymous wrote:DH on a golfing trip with his friends and I need my emotional affair partner more every day! I guess modern monogamy. He has become a trusted friend and I worry I think about him too much. I love talking to him at social events so is it wrong that I would kiss him if given the chance and no one would get hurt or know? do I go for it as I think he wants? Or do I leave it as it is?

Anonymous wrote:My oldest friend in the world is a guy I’ve known since I was 5 so that’s 40 years. Though we did go to a prom together that was the limit of our dating. We talk about once every two weeks and text once in awhile and I tell him all about my life except for the more intimate details. He’s a great listener and probably could be considered my therapist. I love the guy like a brother and my husband knows this and he’s fine with it because he knows I’d never cross a line. Is this modern monogamy? I’m sure many husbands would be bothered by our relationship.

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I've had two of those relationships in my life. The first with a gay man who was infatuated with me (a woman), the second with a heterosexual man who does not want to cheat on his wife. Both were more than friendships, but not physically sexual. Romance is the right word for it.

How did these relationships turn out for you?

They bring mutual joy and psychological support while they last.

I'm in my 40s. I find that a disappointing number of people have a very black and white view of the world, informed by millennia of religious patriarchy. Until very recently, lineage was everything because there were no paternity tests and illegitimate children messed up inheritances and bloodlines. The medieval brain has trouble evolving to meet the technological inventions of today and modifying its mores to suit. Supposedly modern people, who are not religious and claim to be sociologically aware, still operate within the confines of a society that imposes a certain type of monogamy and view anything outside of that in a very negative light. Such as the posters who call everyone cheaters.

I see shades of grey. It's all on a friendship continuum. There are friends with whom you can settle down, marriage and kids, hopefully sexual compatibility. There are friends with whom you can have a romance. There are friends you value just for their platonic support. These friends can be male or female, or anything in between.

Love is not just reserved for your long-term home companion. Surely you have some type of love for all your friends, kids and treasured relatives, male and female, regardless of what specific type of relationship you have with them. You just need to be clear about what you want and respect what others want, notably the person who lives with you and has the greatest claim on your time and resources.

It's tiresome to be regimented in little boxes and be told by idiots that you can do X with your husband (say, catch a dinner and movie, go swimming, go on a road trip), but not with this friend, unless she's female, and then it's OK, and you can behave like this towards your sister, but not your brother, and definitely not your BIL. It's stupid and pointless. All coming from ancient strictures on sex.

Well said, thank you!

Disagree. This person is attempting to relegate the spouse to merely a friend for the dull, routine parts of life. Spouses usually fulfill the romantic, sexual part too. Sounds like an AP trying to elevate their status or someone generally down on marriage. “Your long term home companion?” “The greatest claim on time and resources”. Who’s putting who in a box here?

Usually do, sometimes don’t.

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I've had two of those relationships in my life. The first with a gay man who was infatuated with me (a woman), the second with a heterosexual man who does not want to cheat on his wife. Both were more than friendships, but not physically sexual. Romance is the right word for it.

How did these relationships turn out for you?

They bring mutual joy and psychological support while they last.

I'm in my 40s. I find that a disappointing number of people have a very black and white view of the world, informed by millennia of religious patriarchy. Until very recently, lineage was everything because there were no paternity tests and illegitimate children messed up inheritances and bloodlines. The medieval brain has trouble evolving to meet the technological inventions of today and modifying its mores to suit. Supposedly modern people, who are not religious and claim to be sociologically aware, still operate within the confines of a society that imposes a certain type of monogamy and view anything outside of that in a very negative light. Such as the posters who call everyone cheaters.

I see shades of grey. It's all on a friendship continuum. There are friends with whom you can settle down, marriage and kids, hopefully sexual compatibility. There are friends with whom you can have a romance. There are friends you value just for their platonic support. These friends can be male or female, or anything in between.

Love is not just reserved for your long-term home companion. Surely you have some type of love for all your friends, kids and treasured relatives, male and female, regardless of what specific type of relationship you have with them. You just need to be clear about what you want and respect what others want, notably the person who lives with you and has the greatest claim on your time and resources.

It's tiresome to be regimented in little boxes and be told by idiots that you can do X with your husband (say, catch a dinner and movie, go swimming, go on a road trip), but not with this friend, unless she's female, and then it's OK, and you can behave like this towards your sister, but not your brother, and definitely not your BIL. It's stupid and pointless. All coming from ancient strictures on sex.

Well said, thank you!

Disagree. This person is attempting to relegate the spouse to merely a friend for the dull, routine parts of life. Spouses usually fulfill the romantic, sexual part too. Sounds like an AP trying to elevate their status or someone generally down on marriage. “Your long term home companion?” “The greatest claim on time and resources”. Who’s putting who in a box here?

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I've had two of those relationships in my life. The first with a gay man who was infatuated with me (a woman), the second with a heterosexual man who does not want to cheat on his wife. Both were more than friendships, but not physically sexual. Romance is the right word for it.

How did these relationships turn out for you?

They bring mutual joy and psychological support while they last.

I'm in my 40s. I find that a disappointing number of people have a very black and white view of the world, informed by millennia of religious patriarchy. Until very recently, lineage was everything because there were no paternity tests and illegitimate children messed up inheritances and bloodlines. The medieval brain has trouble evolving to meet the technological inventions of today and modifying its mores to suit. Supposedly modern people, who are not religious and claim to be sociologically aware, still operate within the confines of a society that imposes a certain type of monogamy and view anything outside of that in a very negative light. Such as the posters who call everyone cheaters.

I see shades of grey. It's all on a friendship continuum. There are friends with whom you can settle down, marriage and kids, hopefully sexual compatibility. There are friends with whom you can have a romance. There are friends you value just for their platonic support. These friends can be male or female, or anything in between.

Love is not just reserved for your long-term home companion. Surely you have some type of love for all your friends, kids and treasured relatives, male and female, regardless of what specific type of relationship you have with them. You just need to be clear about what you want and respect what others want, notably the person who lives with you and has the greatest claim on your time and resources.

It's tiresome to be regimented in little boxes and be told by idiots that you can do X with your husband (say, catch a dinner and movie, go swimming, go on a road trip), but not with this friend, unless she's female, and then it's OK, and you can behave like this towards your sister, but not your brother, and definitely not your BIL. It's stupid and pointless. All coming from ancient strictures on sex.

Well said, thank you!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I've had two of those relationships in my life. The first with a gay man who was infatuated with me (a woman), the second with a heterosexual man who does not want to cheat on his wife. Both were more than friendships, but not physically sexual. Romance is the right word for it.

How did these relationships turn out for you?

They bring mutual joy and psychological support while they last.

I'm in my 40s. I find that a disappointing number of people have a very black and white view of the world, informed by millennia of religious patriarchy. Until very recently, lineage was everything because there were no paternity tests and illegitimate children messed up inheritances and bloodlines. The medieval brain has trouble evolving to meet the technological inventions of today and modifying its mores to suit. Supposedly modern people, who are not religious and claim to be sociologically aware, still operate within the confines of a society that imposes a certain type of monogamy and view anything outside of that in a very negative light. Such as the posters who call everyone cheaters.

I see shades of grey. It's all on a friendship continuum. There are friends with whom you can settle down, marriage and kids, hopefully sexual compatibility. There are friends with whom you can have a romance. There are friends you value just for their platonic support. These friends can be male or female, or anything in between.

Love is not just reserved for your long-term home companion. Surely you have some type of love for all your friends, kids and treasured relatives, male and female, regardless of what specific type of relationship you have with them. You just need to be clear about what you want and respect what others want, notably the person who lives with you and has the greatest claim on your time and resources.

It's tiresome to be regimented in little boxes and be told by idiots that you can do X with your husband (say, catch a dinner and movie, go swimming, go on a road trip), but not with this friend, unless she's female, and then it's OK, and you can behave like this towards your sister, but not your brother, and definitely not your BIL. It's stupid and pointless. All coming from ancient strictures on sex.

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Anonymous wrote:To defend OP, it doesn't seem much different from having a good friend, just happens to be of the opposite sex. If emotional support means having someone who listens to you and provides thoughtful responses and good conversation, that is not cheating or an affair.

This is my question back to OP- how is this different than having a good guy friend?

The difference is that we’re not platonic.

What does non platonic mean in your context?

Romantic love

So you guys say “I love you?” Does his wife know?

Yep

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Anonymous wrote:I somehow fill all these needs with same sex friendships. Why do you need someone of the opposite sex to tell you these things?

And I'm heterosexual

Because there’s no element of romance in my same sex friendships.

Romance should only be in marriage.

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Anonymous wrote:I somehow fill all these needs with same sex friendships. Why do you need someone of the opposite sex to tell you these things?

And I'm heterosexual

Because there’s no element of romance in my same sex friendships.