Anonymous wrote:My mom was in and out of the workforce all my life. I can see the most important time for her to be home was when we were teenagers. It’s so ironic, because it’s not that we needed babysitting. But we needed someone who wasn’t mad over dinnertime (about work), tired and spent, couldn’t help us or listen. We needed someone to notice when we were up to no good.

We were latchkey kids (sort of. Dad got home early every day). But, we needed her in a specific way when we were in HS.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you have family money outside of your husband? This could be a trust, or simply having parents who are “comfortable”.

I know many SAHMs who live idyllic lives, I also know quite a few who have been blind-sided by their spouse’s affairs, addiction / behavior changes, lay-off, or even early death.

Every other week on this website there is a post with the same sob story: their marriage was perfect! Of course it made sense to stay at home with the kids! But after 5 years, DH started spending more and more time at the office, DW did some snooping and surprise surprise, he is cheating.

you never know what the future holds-all of those posts come from people who were in your shoes at one point. If you have family money or your own resources outside of your DH, then you are much better positioned to take care of yourself and your children if things go south.

I always hear this as the rationale to continue working, but I also know that in nearly every case where a divorce happens, whether or not the wife works, there is a massive financial blindsiding, given that so few people (in this region particularly because of the high housing costs) live on their income solely and live below their means. So the families with an HHI of $400k where the wife brings in $150k and DH $250k - they are as screwed as the SAH family with same HHI because the dual working family cannot maintain 2 households on that income. Either way, your life is blowing up and everything you thought was your financial reality has to change massively. The risk of divorce in a stable marriage is always there. That should not be your primary deciding factor.

I’m sick of the out of touch attitude that it is impossible to live in the dc metro area on an income less than 200K. Would it be a massive lifestyle change? Of course. Is it the same thing as finding yourself alone and jobless and needing to support a family? Of course not.

I have nothing against SAHM, many of my friends who do this are very happy. But, I have other friends (multiple) who found themselves suddenly become either widowed or divocees with little to no warning. And having money or a job helped immensely.

It’s also so tiresome reading thread after thread by some DW who is blindsided by her cheating DH and doesn’t know what to do because she has no money of her own. Of course the first comment is always “Get a job”. I get that it’s massively destabilizing to find out your DH is a cheater, but let’s be real about the risks and impacts about voluntarily choosing to become 100% financially dependent on your spouse.

+1

I always hear this as the rationale to continue working, but I also know that in nearly every case where a divorce happens, whether or not the wife works, there is a massive financial blindsiding, given that so few people (in this region particularly because of the high housing costs) live on their income solely and live below their means. So the families with an HHI of $400k where the wife brings in $150k and DH $250k - they are as screwed as the SAH family with same HHI because the dual working family cannot maintain 2 households on that income. Either way, your life is blowing up and everything you thought was your financial reality has to change massively. The risk of divorce in a stable marriage is always there. That should not be your primary deciding factor.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you have family money outside of your husband? This could be a trust, or simply having parents who are “comfortable”.

I know many SAHMs who live idyllic lives, I also know quite a few who have been blind-sided by their spouse’s affairs, addiction / behavior changes, lay-off, or even early death.

Every other week on this website there is a post with the same sob story: their marriage was perfect! Of course it made sense to stay at home with the kids! But after 5 years, DH started spending more and more time at the office, DW did some snooping and surprise surprise, he is cheating.

you never know what the future holds-all of those posts come from people who were in your shoes at one point. If you have family money or your own resources outside of your DH, then you are much better positioned to take care of yourself and your children if things go south.

I always hear this as the rationale to continue working, but I also know that in nearly every case where a divorce happens, whether or not the wife works, there is a massive financial blindsiding, given that so few people (in this region particularly because of the high housing costs) live on their income solely and live below their means. So the families with an HHI of $400k where the wife brings in $150k and DH $250k - they are as screwed as the SAH family with same HHI because the dual working family cannot maintain 2 households on that income. Either way, your life is blowing up and everything you thought was your financial reality has to change massively. The risk of divorce in a stable marriage is always there. That should not be your primary deciding factor.

I’m sick of the out of touch attitude that it is impossible to live in the dc metro area on an income less than 200K. Would it be a massive lifestyle change? Of course. Is it the same thing as finding yourself alone and jobless and needing to support a family? Of course not.

I have nothing against SAHM, many of my friends who do this are very happy. But, I have other friends (multiple) who found themselves suddenly become either widowed or divocees with little to no warning. And having money or a job helped immensely.

It’s also so tiresome reading thread after thread by some DW who is blindsided by her cheating DH and doesn’t know what to do because she has no money of her own. Of course the first comment is always “Get a job”. I get that it’s massively destabilizing to find out your DH is a cheater, but let’s be real about the risks and impacts about voluntarily choosing to become 100% financially dependent on your spouse.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It depends how much savings you have. I would set a goal to work towards, say $5M in savings. Then stop working once you reach that goal. It's better to first get financially set then stop working, rather than stop now with some vague idea of reentering the workforce as a middle-aged unemployed SAHM if something happens to your spouse's job.

It sounds like your husband has only had the high paying job for a few years now and it's not guaranteed forever. Plus you don't hate your job. So wait until you have enough savings to comfortably stop working with financial security.

I'll add another perspective. My dad was a very high earner. My mom insisted on working anyway and life was very stressful at home. I was scared to say I was sick because I knew that she'd get angry about having to miss work. She deeply resented anything that pulled her away from her work or eventual grad school. She and my dad fought about her continuing to work and refusing to take on any kid and household responsibilities. We had a FT housekeeper, so no one was asking her to do cleaning etc. To me and my sister, it felt like she selfishly prioritized her personal preferences over the welfare of her children and family.

It sounds like you're a much better mom. But there's just no way around the fact that someone earning $725K generally needs a default parent spouse. That means that kid and home stuff will always be your domain. It's very difficult to balance that with your own FT job.

Good luck whatever you decide.

Funny how no one ever says this about dads who want to work FT GTFO here with that sexist bullsh*t

You can live in la la land with your progressive ideals, or you can live in the real world where men still outearn women and women do more of the work for children and home even if they also work FT.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you have family money outside of your husband? This could be a trust, or simply having parents who are “comfortable”.

I know many SAHMs who live idyllic lives, I also know quite a few who have been blind-sided by their spouse’s affairs, addiction / behavior changes, lay-off, or even early death.

Every other week on this website there is a post with the same sob story: their marriage was perfect! Of course it made sense to stay at home with the kids! But after 5 years, DH started spending more and more time at the office, DW did some snooping and surprise surprise, he is cheating.

you never know what the future holds-all of those posts come from people who were in your shoes at one point. If you have family money or your own resources outside of your DH, then you are much better positioned to take care of yourself and your children if things go south.

I always hear this as the rationale to continue working, but I also know that in nearly every case where a divorce happens, whether or not the wife works, there is a massive financial blindsiding, given that so few people (in this region particularly because of the high housing costs) live on their income solely and live below their means. So the families with an HHI of $400k where the wife brings in $150k and DH $250k - they are as screwed as the SAH family with same HHI because the dual working family cannot maintain 2 households on that income. Either way, your life is blowing up and everything you thought was your financial reality has to change massively. The risk of divorce in a stable marriage is always there. That should not be your primary deciding factor.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand why college educated women give up their career to be SAHMs honestly. I agree with PPs to go part-time rather than give up career entirely. There will be a time when you will want to go back. Your kids will need you less later on.

Because it really is the ultimate form of white wealthy privilege.

My spouse went to Harvard. So many of her friends were SAHMs by their early 30s. Many with double Ivies (UG + grad degrees). This is what rich women do.

Her friends from Harvard who are the most successful professionally? All came from the middle class and had mothers who worked.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It depends how much savings you have. I would set a goal to work towards, say $5M in savings. Then stop working once you reach that goal. It's better to first get financially set then stop working, rather than stop now with some vague idea of reentering the workforce as a middle-aged unemployed SAHM if something happens to your spouse's job.

It sounds like your husband has only had the high paying job for a few years now and it's not guaranteed forever. Plus you don't hate your job. So wait until you have enough savings to comfortably stop working with financial security.

I'll add another perspective. My dad was a very high earner. My mom insisted on working anyway and life was very stressful at home. I was scared to say I was sick because I knew that she'd get angry about having to miss work. She deeply resented anything that pulled her away from her work or eventual grad school. She and my dad fought about her continuing to work and refusing to take on any kid and household responsibilities. We had a FT housekeeper, so no one was asking her to do cleaning etc. To me and my sister, it felt like she selfishly prioritized her personal preferences over the welfare of her children and family.

It sounds like you're a much better mom. But there's just no way around the fact that someone earning $725K generally needs a default parent spouse. That means that kid and home stuff will always be your domain. It's very difficult to balance that with your own FT job.

Good luck whatever you decide.

Funny how no one ever says this about dads who want to work FT GTFO here with that sexist bullsh*t

You can live in la la land with your progressive ideals, or you can live in the real world where men still outearn women and women do more of the work for children and home even if they also work FT.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It depends how much savings you have. I would set a goal to work towards, say $5M in savings. Then stop working once you reach that goal. It's better to first get financially set then stop working, rather than stop now with some vague idea of reentering the workforce as a middle-aged unemployed SAHM if something happens to your spouse's job.

It sounds like your husband has only had the high paying job for a few years now and it's not guaranteed forever. Plus you don't hate your job. So wait until you have enough savings to comfortably stop working with financial security.

I'll add another perspective. My dad was a very high earner. My mom insisted on working anyway and life was very stressful at home. I was scared to say I was sick because I knew that she'd get angry about having to miss work. She deeply resented anything that pulled her away from her work or eventual grad school. She and my dad fought about her continuing to work and refusing to take on any kid and household responsibilities. We had a FT housekeeper, so no one was asking her to do cleaning etc. To me and my sister, it felt like she selfishly prioritized her personal preferences over the welfare of her children and family.

It sounds like you're a much better mom. But there's just no way around the fact that someone earning $725K generally needs a default parent spouse. That means that kid and home stuff will always be your domain. It's very difficult to balance that with your own FT job.

Good luck whatever you decide.

Funny how no one ever says this about dads who want to work FT GTFO here with that sexist bullsh*t

Anonymous wrote:It depends how much savings you have. I would set a goal to work towards, say $5M in savings. Then stop working once you reach that goal. It's better to first get financially set then stop working, rather than stop now with some vague idea of reentering the workforce as a middle-aged unemployed SAHM if something happens to your spouse's job.

It sounds like your husband has only had the high paying job for a few years now and it's not guaranteed forever. Plus you don't hate your job. So wait until you have enough savings to comfortably stop working with financial security.

I'll add another perspective. My dad was a very high earner. My mom insisted on working anyway and life was very stressful at home. I was scared to say I was sick because I knew that she'd get angry about having to miss work. She deeply resented anything that pulled her away from her work or eventual grad school. She and my dad fought about her continuing to work and refusing to take on any kid and household responsibilities. We had a FT housekeeper, so no one was asking her to do cleaning etc. To me and my sister, it felt like she selfishly prioritized her personal preferences over the welfare of her children and family.

It sounds like you're a much better mom. But there's just no way around the fact that someone earning $725K generally needs a default parent spouse. That means that kid and home stuff will always be your domain. It's very difficult to balance that with your own FT job.

Good luck whatever you decide.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand why college educated women give up their career to be SAHMs honestly. I agree with PPs to go part-time rather than give up career entirely. There will be a time when you will want to go back. Your kids will need you less later on.

Why? Because some people value being the one to raise their children instead of handing them off to a nanny or daycare. I work full time, but only because it’s in my family’s best financial interest that I do so. I went to a top university. I can be smart and have a biological urge to be present for my kids. Nothing against mothers who choose to work because they enjoy what they do, or are simply a better mother having a job outside the home. But making blanket statements like yours is ignorant.

Also, I worked for seven years before I had any children. I’ve now been working for 12. In college, I had no idea if I was going to fall in love, find a spouse and have children. If I didn’t have children, I wouldn’t have an urge to stay at home the same way I do now. Staying at home with young kids is not laziness or a waste of a college education. And plenty of sahms re-enter the workforce after kids are in school more full time.