DCUM Forum

Anonymous

12/26/2023 20:35 Subject: DD wants to transfer out of top university but DH won't allow it

Tell her she can either go somewhere she gets aid and take out loans for the rest, stay where she is, or drop out and work/join the military until she's an independent student on the FAFSA (age 24, veteran, or married/with a dependent child). You can't make your husband pay. What she decides to do with the circumstances is up to her. Then what you and your husband decide to do with her decision is up to the two of you. I hope she doesn't pick something like getting married or pregnant but she's an adult.

Anonymous

12/26/2023 20:15 Subject: Re:DD wants to transfer out of top university but DH won't allow it

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Avoid Cornell. Lots of pressure & lots of SAD related depression.

Suggesting Cornell is very poor advice.

What are you basing it on? My kid is a sophomore there and doing well. She has many friends who seem well-adjusted.

Your kid doesn't speak for the entire population.

Anonymous

12/26/2023 20:13 Subject: DD wants to transfer out of top university but DH won't allow it

What on earth is wrong with Colgate or W&L? Both excellent schools. OP’s DH sounds awful—choosing prestige over his child’s mental health and happiness.

Anonymous

12/26/2023 20:04 Subject: DD wants to transfer out of top university but DH won't allow it

Anonymous wrote:I agree with others that it's possible that things could get a lot better for OP's kid at her current school. It's not uncommon for a kid to have a rough first semester/year and then find their place their sophomore year. That said, misery is misery, and transferring may be best for her mental well being.

UMB would be my top draft pick, but here are some other schools that bridge both prestige and a more laid-back environment:
(1) UCLA: It's got a top 10 math department as well as this generation's greatest mathematician. It generally has a more laidback vibe but is also a fun school with great school spirit and generally happy students. The campus is its own large island within LA, but, if you need the advantages of urbanity, they are close at hand.
(2) Duke/Dartmouth/Vanderbilt: Of all the other T20 schools, they seems like the most fun and laidback.
(3) Wesleyan: It seems like the most laidback and fun top LAC, while still having very serious academics. Davidson seems great too. Neither are as rural or isolated as Colgate.
(4) WashU: With the possible exception of its pre-med community, it seems like a friendly, pleasant, and non-competitive place.

*I have no idea about the transfer prospects for any of the foregoing schools.

I don’t think premeds at Wash. U. are all that competitive; just stressed and hard working.

But I think a better solution than going to Wash. U. is getting permission for the daughter to take a light load for a semester or two.

Anonymous

12/26/2023 19:57 Subject: DD wants to transfer out of top university but DH won't allow it

Anonymous wrote:If OP is genuine and the list of schools her daughter is looking at is also genuine, then I have to wonder how the girl ended up at Columbia in the first place. Looks like she just wants easy classes and to party every weekend. And why is Colgate on it?

Her problem is math. It's an intense major. And attracts specific kinds of students. Suggest to daughter that she change majors to something less stressful.

If still wanting to transfer, consider Penn. It will be more laid back, more preprofessional and enjoying weekend parties and less philosophical.

She could always major in something like poli sci with a math minor, or the equivalent of a math minor, and show she’s numerate.

Anonymous

12/26/2023 19:34 Subject: Re:DD wants to transfer out of top university but DH won't allow it

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Consider transferring to:

Northwestern, Chicago, Vanderbilt, Michigan, Rice.

I don't think the "pressure cooker" level at some of these schools are much different from Columbia.

Columbia is particularly known for low morale among students.

+1

I’m the one who transferred from Columbia to a SLAC in the Midwest (still highly academic and rigorous), and the difference between Columbia and my current school is night and day.

Anonymous

12/26/2023 19:31 Subject: Re:DD wants to transfer out of top university but DH won't allow it

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Consider transferring to:

Northwestern, Chicago, Vanderbilt, Michigan, Rice.

I don't think the "pressure cooker" level at some of these schools are much different from Columbia.

Columbia is particularly known for low morale among students.

Anonymous

12/26/2023 19:30 Subject: DD wants to transfer out of top university but DH won't allow it

dcmom12345 wrote:Hi,
I find myself in a difficulty situation caught between my husband and daughter. My daughter is currently a college freshman at an Ivy majoring in Math and has had a terrible experience so far. No friends, high stress, and is generally miserable. She expressed concerns over wanting to transfer in the first month but I told her to give it a little more time(until winter break) to confirm there is more than typical trouble adjusting to college issues. Well winter break came and she is more adamant than not over wanting to transfer. I accepted that and asked her what schools she was considering and this was her list(Umiami, Colgate, W&L, Syracuse, Penn State, MSU, and Florida State). DH blew up and announced he would not finance any schools on that list. He only agrees to finance her current school or another Ivy/schools he deems as ivy equivalent(not many). We don't qualify for FA and I can't afford a refusal to contribute. Her grades are good so I'm not worried about her not getting into one of her listed schools, but am dealing with either a miserable child for another 4 years or not being able to afford college. Advice?

Take an year off to work. If she doesn't want to go back to her college, she re apply and attend a college which gives her a free ride. She can't pick another expensive college.

Anonymous

12/26/2023 19:28 Subject: DD wants to transfer out of top university but DH won't allow it

Let her transfer. If you have to take the money from your spouse, take out loans, sue him, or get divorced then do it. Before any of that look him in the eye and make sure he is comfortable with her killing herself because he wouldn’t let her transfer. If that’s fine with him then she moves schools and the two of you take out loans and she doesn’t need to speak to him ever again.

Anonymous

12/26/2023 18:32 Subject: DD wants to transfer out of top university but DH won't allow it

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Cornell is a very high pressure environment and weather is worse. Transferring there seems like a mistake.

+1

Cornell grad here and also agree. I always say Cornell is a good place for a pre-professional kid who knows exactly what they want to do. It’s not a good place for the ones who are still figuring themselves out. If she’s feeling stressed at Columbia, I have a hard time imaging that she’ll be happy at Cornell.

Anonymous

12/26/2023 18:10 Subject: Re:DD wants to transfer out of top university but DH won't allow it

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

dcmom12345 wrote:To add- we live in Maryland so I brought up in UMD as an option with DD seemed okay with but DH put on list of "will not pay for". He gave a list of universities he would consider acceptable which was limited to Chicago, Duke, MIT, Stanford, Caltech, AWS, JHU, Northwestern, RICE, Vandy, Michigan, and Berkeley.

JHU but tell him UMD is cheap she can probably pay that one on her own and ask DH for help buying a house instead

+2 for JHU. Bring her back to Maryland, where she has a greater chance of connecting to old friends or new ones from Maryland. Some of her challenge is just too much newness. She can easily get to mountains or beaches to get away from an urban setting, or she can take advantage of doing things in Baltimore or DC.

Most of the folks I know that went to JHU found it intense and stressful. Doubt it would be an improvement.

Anonymous

12/26/2023 18:09 Subject: DD wants to transfer out of top university but DH won't allow it

Hi OP,

I totally understand where you’re coming from. I’m currently a student at a SLAC in the Midwest, but I transferred to my current school from Columbia.

The pressure cooker environment of Columbia and the NYC location make for a pretty miserable student body — there’s a reason why the school’s alumni have such low alumni giving rates.

I am much happier at a less prestigious college, and I think it’s pretty sad that people on this forum are siding with your DH and insist that your DD stay.

I’ll DM you soo.

Anonymous

12/26/2023 18:04 Subject: DD wants to transfer out of top university but DH won't allow it

Anonymous wrote:Except ops kid is all over the map with bizarre school choices Florida state ? Come on really?

She is immature some other reason is making her choose those schools

+1. If the DD decided to, say, switch from math to environmental science and identified a set schools strong in that field. I could understand. But these choices make no sense. I am on Team Dad until and unless the DD is able to articulate why she chose those schools.

I would also suggest maybe letting your DD take some time off from school as a mental health break. Most schools have programs now so that you can re-enter without having to reapply.

Also, I am having a hard time believing that math at Columbia is filled with super-intense people. It’s not Caltech or MIT…

Anonymous

12/26/2023 18:02 Subject: DD wants to transfer out of top university but DH won't allow it

Again, I don't think this is an Ivy issue. It is a freshman issue.

Anonymous

12/26/2023 18:00 Subject: Re:DD wants to transfer out of top university but DH won't allow it

dcmom12345 wrote:The Ivy is Columbia for clarification. Loved NYC and campus when visited now says she feels stressed not only by intense students but of the intense and fast pace vibe of the city.

Hi OP,

I totally understand where you’re coming from