Anonymous wrote:It's because she's comfortable playing Lady Bountiful in these not-actually-close relationships. But the emotional intimacy of an actual functional family relationship is not a good fit for her so she avoids it.

Bingo. My father was the same way. He was a coach, and I can't tell you how many people have said, "Your dad was my favorite coach. He made me feel like I was worth something." Or, "Your dad was the best - he always went out of his way to help me at school." He barely said two words to me growing up and did not lift a finger to guide me in any way when I was struggling at home. He broke almost every promise he ever made to me. Wise coach/teacher was a role he played out in the world. He wasn't actually that person in real life with his family. It used to bother me so much, but now I'm just glad he seemed to have an impact on some people who needed it. He was just unable to parent for a lot of reasons.

Re: the PP who mentioned lots of friends and former neighbors visiting and not as many adult DC. There’s never a long backstory with the neighbors/later in life friends! Let them see my mom as how they know her - the sweet little old church lady in cute outfits.

I know my widowed mom as the supreme narcissist married over 50 years to my highly successful, equally high functioning alcoholic, chain smoking, verbally and physically abusive father. My dear sweet mom left her large family of very young children in the “care”of our dad every summer to return “home” solo- to recharge and rejuvenate and escape our toxic and chaotic life. Meanwhile…back at home…

My mom allowed our dad to drive us drunk out of his mind anywhere we needed to go-church, friends’ houses, sports - more peace and quiet for her.

Divorce? Never! She contends-still-that he was an amazing provider and so she’d have been a fool to leave. All about the big house and nice cars and nothing about her DC.

But, go ahead and criticize me for not meeting all of my mom’s needs now at 86. Judge away. Gossip that even though I’m nearby, I don’t often visit and when I do, I don’t stay for long.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, she thinks she needs to portray a certain public persona, and is worried about what outsiders will think of her, if she says no to them.

This.

It sounds a little bit like covert narcissism. She does the sweet helpful kindly thing for random people in her life, doesn't have the same warmth toward her own children and grandchildren.

The warmth isn't real, it's an image she projects to these random yoga friends and it feeds her narcissism and her perception of herself as a kindly martyr.

Then she cries that she doesn't see her family enough, woe is me - but she doesn't really want to spend all that time with family who probably don't support her narcissistic view of herself. She prefers the martyr role of being the grandma who is neglected by her family over the actual grandma role of investing time and attention into grandkids and kids.

This describes my Mom precisely. I always thought she acted like this because she just knows/assumes her family will always be there, but these other friends won't, so she can put the relationship with her family on "auto pilot" while she prioritizes the other relationships.

+2

OP, this thread is fascinating to me because I have a mother who does the same. I attribute it to a deep need of validation that you don’t get from helping family. Or a “hero complex” (I’m not sure what the actual term for that is, but my mother is always looking for people to save. She spends a significant amount of time telling me stories of all the people that she helps, tips, gives cash to, pays compliments to, etc. And while I realize this seems kind, it dominates the conversation and is seemingly neverending. She enjoys discussing people that she feels sorry for and what she did to help. It’s actually kind of weird).

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Many of the people your parents are helping are only random to you, not to them. They are mostly their neighbors and friends, who are involved in their daily life. Those relationships are important. Obviously family relationships are also important but it sounds like more occasional stuff than everyday stuff. I'm not surprised when parents make choices that affect their everyday lives and relationships as opposed to random occasional plans with their kids.

Well, their kids will be the ones taking care of them and choosing their nursing homes, not their neighbors or yoga classmates. Something to keep in mind.

In the 55+ community I live in there are just as many friends and neighbors helping to take care of elderly people on a daily basis as there are adult children doing it. In fact I know a few whose adult children won't even return a phone call from a concerned friend about struggles their elderly parent is having. You can rationalize how this must be the fault of the parent but the fact is there are many adult children who just don't want to be bothered. That's when the people you call random end up picking up the slack because they care.

Well maybe some of those parents with the kids who won't return phone calls remember when they, themselves were in need, and their parent was too busy to help.

Example - I go to OB appointment for normal, routine 37 week checkup, and am told baby needs to be born immediately via emergency c-section (like go straight to hospital ASAP) because there might be issues. Mom has lunch plans or play tickets or something like that, and asks if she can come in a few days as planned (I also have a 1.5 year old at home, her job was pretty much to watch him). She eventually ended up coming to "help" which consisted of telling me how badly I'd been treating the 18-year babysitter I'd ended up hiring to watch the 1.5 year old because I didn't give her breaks every two-three hours, while I'm in the throws of c-section recovery, nursing a newborn, etc. Meanwhile, my mom tries to become buddies with the babysitter, and my babysitter feels awkward not wanting to gossip with my mother about how mean I am.

I could go on and on...

In the example above, I would take the phone call, and I would definitely try to help and probably actually drop everything if she truly needed help. But her little complaints about how I don't bring the kids to visit (I did a few times when they were younger and it was a TORTURE for me because she was so controlling and condescending)... I brush those off. She complains my kid aren't closer to her... well maybe if every time she/we visited, my kids didn't ask why she yelled at me so much, things would be different. If you were her neighbor at the 55+ community, I'm sure she'd have you convinced I'm the most horrible daughter and that she is a victim.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Many of the people your parents are helping are only random to you, not to them. They are mostly their neighbors and friends, who are involved in their daily life. Those relationships are important. Obviously family relationships are also important but it sounds like more occasional stuff than everyday stuff. I'm not surprised when parents make choices that affect their everyday lives and relationships as opposed to random occasional plans with their kids.

Well, their kids will be the ones taking care of them and choosing their nursing homes, not their neighbors or yoga classmates. Something to keep in mind.

In the 55+ community I live in there are just as many friends and neighbors helping to take care of elderly people on a daily basis as there are adult children doing it. In fact I know a few whose adult children won't even return a phone call from a concerned friend about struggles their elderly parent is having. You can rationalize how this must be the fault of the parent but the fact is there are many adult children who just don't want to be bothered. That's when the people you call random end up picking up the slack because they care.

Anonymous wrote:My mother and my husband's mother do this because they're painfully lonely. They are overly generous and helpful to random pseudo friends.

Invite them over more. Have your kids call them more. Visit more often.

Because before you know it they're dead.

Dp my mom likes helping strangers because they don't know her amd she can the praise that she doesnt want from family

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, she thinks she needs to portray a certain public persona, and is worried about what outsiders will think of her, if she says no to them.

This.

It sounds a little bit like covert narcissism. She does the sweet helpful kindly thing for random people in her life, doesn't have the same warmth toward her own children and grandchildren.

The warmth isn't real, it's an image she projects to these random yoga friends and it feeds her narcissism and her perception of herself as a kindly martyr.

Then she cries that she doesn't see her family enough, woe is me - but she doesn't really want to spend all that time with family who probably don't support her narcissistic view of herself. She prefers the martyr role of being the grandma who is neglected by her family over the actual grandma role of investing time and attention into grandkids and kids.

This describes my Mom precisely. I always thought she acted like this because she just knows/assumes her family will always be there, but these other friends won't, so she can put the relationship with her family on "auto pilot" while she prioritizes the other relationships.

Anonymous wrote:My mother literally cancelled plans to see her grandkids (who she never sees) in order to help out someone she’s never met and who is actually dead. I think I got this story straight. The husband of a woman she used to work with 10 years ago (but then moved a few states away) has a cousin who died 9 months ago and he lived 2 hours from my mother. He has a car that the husband claims they want to transfer title to so they can sell it. No idea about a will or whatever. So this lady asked my mother if they mailed her some documents, would drive 2 hours to pick up the car and bring back to her town, and go to DMV for them to get the title changed.

My mother said of course, let me cancel again on my grandkids.

First, this sounds like your mom is being scammed.

PP few pages back re: mom obsessed with recalling exhaustive details…when the grandchildren were there were a few true emergency situations where our mom was completely unavailable.

A little nephew admitted to the hospital: my mom refused to help w/ other DC “because her landscaper was there” that day. I took off work and raced to the hospital after my sister called me sobbing.

Most recently, I was asked to lead an interactive art lesson to residents of my mom’s retirement community. Not only did my mom refuse to attend (“just not feeling great”) she wanted to hear all about who was there (“did you tell them I’m your mother? Did they say they knew me?”) and she thanked me for being there.