It is tragically ironic that an ob gyn who is extremely important for helping women bring babies into the world can’t breastfeed and bond with her own baby. What a terrible system we have.

Op I posted earlier about other things and I know some other posters have said this but I do encourage you to think about bonding a little differently. How old is your daughter? Having a preference for dad during a period of life doesn’t mean you aren’t bonded. You have a lifetime with your child don’t count things out now.

That all being said I’m so sorry that you feel that. I do understand, I had trouble breastfeeding with both kids and still catch myself feeling guilty for stopping years later. It’s honestly ridiculous but mom brains can be like that. I can only imagine given your posts and worry about this that you are a very loving mother to your daughter, and I’m sure she is bonded to you even if she is used to dad doing pick up so doesn’t respond the same when her routine changes and it’s you (for example). And if she’s young, like a year, you have so much time to see how your relationship will blossom! And as much as I said being a Dr is hard, you do have leave - take it when you want to go to a kid event! You can do that.

Anonymous wrote:11:16...most of us did not start our careers out working from home. Physicians do important work, but I think the mentality that somehow they train and work harder and experience more stress is really harmful to them among others. It leads to the type of thinking OP is demonstrating, that there is no compromise position and things are hopeless.

I trained for a very long time for my non-medical career, and due to family obligations among other things I'm doing something very different. I've found ways to leverage my training, but I'm not at all doing what I was trained to do. And, yes, I worked hard, it was stressful, and it was extremely competitive.

OP, you have options. You are in a low place which is obscuring your ability to see them. They cannot take your training away from you...

I don’t understand how it is harmful to acknowledge that some people’s jobs are harder than others, even if many of us train a long time, or have stressful jobs. I trained a long time as well and also have worked clinical positions that are very difficult.

I would be surprised if you have ever had a very close family member (not an aunt or uncle who was already an experienced dr by the time you were an adult and were observing work schedules) who you watched train to be a Dr. It is incredibly all consuming in so many ways. Yes getting a PhD is as well! But in my personal experience, having had family members train to be lawyers, get phDs, etc nothing compares to the intensity of four years of medical school followed by at least 4-5 years of residency.

Most of us work hard, this isn’t the suffering Olympics. I’m sure you work very hard and your training was stressful. So was mine. That doesn’t mean I can’t objectively see that what my sibling does takes an incredible amount of fortitude and commitment. Much more than the vast majority of jobs. Of course I can’t say this job vs this job, many are hard! But delivering a stillborn, or making life saving decisions in seconds while a mother is hemorrhage is very different than most of us who have time to post on dcum during the day.

Anyway this is getting us a little off topic. Though it is relevant to ops fears of leaving after that intensity. Also there are quite literally caps on the amount of drs (only so many residency spots, and not enough) while there is a very real shortage of physicians. To leave, can cause guilty feelings for people. Also, the majority of physicians a few years out of med school have hundreds of thousands of dollars in debt so pivoting to a new career at that point that may not provide the financial means to pay that off can be extremely difficult

Why not go work for the VA? Then you would get fed parental leave and the same amount of vacation and sick leave that other feds get. Many fed supervisors will also let you take unpaid leave after you exceed the paid time off if you don't have any more leave.

11:16...most of us did not start our careers out working from home. Physicians do important work, but I think the mentality that somehow they train and work harder and experience more stress is really harmful to them among others. It leads to the type of thinking OP is demonstrating, that there is no compromise position and things are hopeless.

I trained for a very long time for my non-medical career, and due to family obligations among other things I'm doing something very different. I've found ways to leverage my training, but I'm not at all doing what I was trained to do. And, yes, I worked hard, it was stressful, and it was extremely competitive.

OP, you have options. You are in a low place which is obscuring your ability to see them. They cannot take your training away from you...

Bonding is a long term game. If you are truly unhappy, then cut back in your hours even if it doesnt make sense financially.

You get to decide what is most important to you.

I am a physician also and I am not practicing my specialty for a multitude of reasons all dictated by me. Did I waste all that training? I am still that same specialist to friends and family

The mindset you need to change is that of investment cost. You have invested so much into your specialty, therefore you must practice said specialty. That is not a growth mindset.

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I know several women MDs, dentists, and pharmacists who worked PT for a few years while their kids were young, making very low salaries just to keep their foot in the game until they could ramp back up. They all had breadwinner spouses who could support the family on a single income during that time. OP, unfortunately, does not. Her hard work subsidizes her spouse’s government hours.[/quote]

Get outta here, her husband is a govt lawyer so probably making at least $150K. She could absolutely dial it down and they could be fine on $175-$200K.[/quote]

This is not as easy as you think. She can't just ramp down if she just recently finished residency! It's not about the money. She just finished residency and actually has to build her surgical skills, learn from other physicians etc. She is performing SURGERY. It is very different than the meetings we run in our work from home 2-3 days a week gigs. You need a lot of practice to stay good at your job and keep up with new things. She may be able to ramp down later, I hope she can but I don't think that is very common RIGHT out of residency. In the medicine world she is right in the beginning of her career, even though for most of us we've been going for 10 years and can ask for a little more flexibility. [/quote]


Thank you for understanding. It’s not about the money. We lived off alot less during training and I’m fine with that. I think my husband’s income is fine. It’s more about basically sacrificing all my years of working hard if I leave at this point. It’s not as easy as people say to just go part time! Esp now with how health care is going most large health systems want full time or promise part time but then make you cover for people and it is essentially full time. It truly is potentially giving up a career and all the training if I want to have the bonding others have with their babies esp if I decide to take 6 months with this baby (not in the cards for this job). I can just suck it up like I did with my daughter but it still pains me that she didn’t bond with me.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know several women MDs, dentists, and pharmacists who worked PT for a few years while their kids were young, making very low salaries just to keep their foot in the game until they could ramp back up. They all had breadwinner spouses who could support the family on a single income during that time. OP, unfortunately, does not. Her hard work subsidizes her spouse’s government hours.

Get outta here, her husband is a govt lawyer so probably making at least $150K. She could absolutely dial it down and they could be fine on $175-$200K.

Also, as a new OBGYN she is probably making around/not much more than what you propose right now full time. And easily could have 250k plus in loans if she is anything like the typical Dr who graduated residency within the last 5 years. The financial stretch in these early years as a physician is very unknown to most. It is so not what people imagine.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know several women MDs, dentists, and pharmacists who worked PT for a few years while their kids were young, making very low salaries just to keep their foot in the game until they could ramp back up. They all had breadwinner spouses who could support the family on a single income during that time. OP, unfortunately, does not. Her hard work subsidizes her spouse’s government hours.

Get outta here, her husband is a govt lawyer so probably making at least $150K. She could absolutely dial it down and they could be fine on $175-$200K.

This is not as easy as you think. She can't just ramp down if she just recently finished residency! It's not about the money. She just finished residency and actually has to build her surgical skills, learn from other physicians etc. She is performing SURGERY. It is very different than the meetings we run in our work from home 2-3 days a week gigs. You need a lot of practice to stay good at your job and keep up with new things. She may be able to ramp down later, I hope she can but I don't think that is very common RIGHT out of residency. In the medicine world she is right in the beginning of her career, even though for most of us we've been going for 10 years and can ask for a little more flexibility.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are overemphasizing maternity leave and breast feeding vs everything that comes after. As mid career professional, you will have more flexibility as a doctor than the lawyers or tech workers (and more job security). Trust me, in a few years, you will be very glad you made the choice you did!!!!

Thank you. You are probably right. Just in my feels knowing I’ll have a repeat with my last baby who barely knew me and was attached to dad and not me since I immediately go back to an intense schedule after leave. I’m hoping that if we go for a third, I’ll at least be financially in a place to take a break or pivot and have that bonding others have described (maybe even breastfeed exclusively). I’d like to at least have that experience once. But I agree long term it’s a good career. I appreciate that overall you all have been kind in your responses.

I'm so sorry OP, people have been hard on you I think. My close family member is an OB and medical training is incredibly difficult, most posting probably do not understand the intensity of the schedule. I also think people really underestimate the benefits of work from home on family life. Yes most lawyers work long hours, but most physicians early in their career work long hours but are outside the home 5 days a week (sometimes 5.5-6 if they need to round on a saturday morning, or have call shifts). It really is an added difference. Are you an attending now though? It sounds like you are, are there any other private practice options that require less call? Is that part of your problem? Particularly thinking about a practice that employs hospitalists to primarily cover nights etc.

How old is your oldest? Pumping on the go has gotten MUCH better in recent years, and I do think that helped my sister to feel connected during that first year. She used the Elvie stride (would wear it during surgery and there is a button you can press I think she said on her hip to turn it on when it is time). She was able to exclusively breastfeed for a year if that gives you any hope. I know this is a piss poor solution to your issue, I do wish policies were better.

I think a lot of people responding know physicians a little farther along. Most don't go part time right out of residency, which you likely aren't that far out of if you're in the baby phase. Physicians right out of residency need to build their skills, OP is a surgeon and has to build her skills as an independently practicing physician, it's incredibly hard to step back.

Anyway I'm sorry OP. Your job is in fact harder than most of ours, in my personal opinion from watching from afar. It is more physical, more draining. Making care decisions for patients all day long is tough and emotionally exhausting work. Don't let everyone on this thread convince you they all somehow work just as hard Aside from Big Law which I agree is incredibly stressful in other ways. That doesn't mean you should have gone into law though.. you can make this work.

OP, how about medical director of a state public health department? Good benefits and normal hours. Ours then jumped to be medical director at a private company for big bucks.

This is such a common problem for women that I sometimes wish we could reconfigure society so that women could have kids early and then start grad school or careers in their late 20s. Such a large number of jobs are just not conducive to having babies (but could be fine with older kids). Yes you can also just not breastfeed and take a shorter leave and some women are fine with that, but may aren't. So many women have postpartum depression or other issues and I think return to work is a huge part of that -- you feel both desire and pressure to get back to work, but you also feel desire and pressure to be with your baby. It sucks, frankly.

I wound up having a baby late (37) and was thus able to take off two years without huge repercussions because I'd been working over a decade and had great savings (and spouse was well established in career) plus had developed a niche that I knew I could return to after a a break. I did a little consulting during those years so that I maintained contacts and kept my resume fresh, but I'm talking maybe 100 hours of work a year. And then I got a break and tons of time with my baby and also time to take care of myself and recover physically and mentally make the shift to motherhood. I get what a gift this was, I know I'm very lucky.

Most women I know couldn't take off work that long, understandably. Or financially couldn't do it. Most women have kids late 20s and early 30s, and this is the time in your career when you usually have the least power or flexibility.

There are downsides to waiting (it's why I only had 1, plus my pregnancy was not smooth and parenting little kids in your 40s is hard -- you have more patience but less energy). So I wish it was more possible for more women to have kids in their mid-20s, when their bodies will handle it better and fertility is less of an issue, and then once kids were preschool age, they can go to grad school or start the tough part of their careers. I'm not advocating for SAHMs (I mean it's fine if it's what you want, I was basically a SAHM for 2 years and I think it's a valid choice) but you could have a job but not a "career" at that point, and then kick it into high gear once kids are a little older.

I don't know, maybe there's no better way. I just know a lot of women feel this way, and that the way career paths and parenting timelines line up generally kind of screws women.

I’m on my third kid and gave up my dream and heavily educated in career for a mostly unrelated fed job in a family friendly agency. We also moved far out and to a cheaper house to be able to afford to buy on one salary so I could take lots of unpaid leave and work part time indefinitely. I’m at a full telework job that is boring but pays well, and I took unpaid six months leave with each kid and have nanny so I can breastfeed. Six months leave is amazing for bonding but also for my physical recovery. Dh is a fed so he can pitch in after hours and on weekends. Lots of trade offs. Not always sure they are the right call. I sympathize. My kids may very well resent their low 529 balances one day and my not appreciate all the cuddle time. Currently though snuggling my baby and can’t say I have any regrets.

Anonymous wrote:I know several women MDs, dentists, and pharmacists who worked PT for a few years while their kids were young, making very low salaries just to keep their foot in the game until they could ramp back up. They all had breadwinner spouses who could support the family on a single income during that time. OP, unfortunately, does not. Her hard work subsidizes her spouse’s government hours.

What rubbish. Her husband makes a very good salary. Some people are just delusional.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know several women MDs, dentists, and pharmacists who worked PT for a few years while their kids were young, making very low salaries just to keep their foot in the game until they could ramp back up. They all had breadwinner spouses who could support the family on a single income during that time. OP, unfortunately, does not. Her hard work subsidizes her spouse’s government hours.

Get outta here, her husband is a govt lawyer so probably making at least $150K. She could absolutely dial it down and they could be fine on $175-$200K.

yep. Typical delusional post thinking you need 500K to survive.