Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why wouldn't your DH be the one to "deal with them" anyway? When my MIL comes to visit, the timing etc doesn't stress me because she is DH's cross to bear. Makes her sound like a bad thing, I know, which she's not. She's just his responsibility rather than mine.

SIL here. I like to believe I am not high maintenance but I do require being given the sheets and maybe a cup of tea and some food on arrival (o visit my brother once a year).
We always used to have a good relationship with my SIL, but I think she started “making me my brother’s responsibility” lately (maybe for the last couple of years?)
It looks weird and makes her look like a bad host and unfriendly person.
I am not a super hostess myself but it doesn’t bother me to make my guest comfortable and offer tea and maybe some snacks or food. I don’t get it when people act all put out by such huge tasks.

This is not meant as an argument with OP or PP, just an observation. It’s not that hard to be a minimally good host. Not serving hand and foot on anyone but just being friendly and providing initial basic supplies.

What’s wrong with your brother that he’s not offering you tea or making you comfortable? Is he a quadriplegic, or what? Why do you expect hospitality from someone with a vagina and not your brother, hmm?

Oh, he does. It’s just that it’s so obvious how she is now “leaving everything to him”, it’s eyeroll worthy.
She then eases up and becomes herself (I.e. does some things when she is around and leaves others to her DH/my brother when it’s convenient for them) but it’s just funny how she tries to be this modern woman who is letting her husband take responsibility for his family by leaving until tea is served lol

You don’t like her, she doesn’t like you. So you’re the hero in this story and she’s the villain, why?

I wouldn’t say we don’t like each other. She just decided she won’t bring the sheets or make tea on the first day! Maybe I offended her but I think she just decided to be this new woman lol
Again, she was never the only one serving on everyone else. We all do a bit of something. It’s just those first couple hours, maybe even an hour that looks weird.

But yeah I don’t show up early.
What I am saying is - it’s the elderly anxious people. Ok they showed up early. Be friendly for 5 minutes, leave, maybe make an easy lunch, that’s it. I don’t get what this is all about. Unless they truly expect to be served on, hand and foot.

The phrase is "waited on hand and foot."

Anonymous wrote:Wow these vents make me realize how awesome my ILs are. The one time they arrived in our area early (traffic not as bad as we all thought, making a 6 hr drive only 4 hours) they called us from the Starbucks in our town and said they were early and wanted to get coffee and look at newspapers for a while to rest up from the drive and could they bring us a coffee drink or something when they came to our house later?

This is so sweet and considerate. They sound like people who appreciate your time and know how it is to be in the midst of getting the house ready when guests arrive early

Anonymous wrote:Wow these vents make me realize how awesome my ILs are. The one time they arrived in our area early (traffic not as bad as we all thought, making a 6 hr drive only 4 hours) they called us from the Starbucks in our town and said they were early and wanted to get coffee and look at newspapers for a while to rest up from the drive and could they bring us a coffee drink or something when they came to our house later?

This is how it is done!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why wouldn't your DH be the one to "deal with them" anyway? When my MIL comes to visit, the timing etc doesn't stress me because she is DH's cross to bear. Makes her sound like a bad thing, I know, which she's not. She's just his responsibility rather than mine.

SIL here. I like to believe I am not high maintenance but I do require being given the sheets and maybe a cup of tea and some food on arrival (o visit my brother once a year).
We always used to have a good relationship with my SIL, but I think she started “making me my brother’s responsibility” lately (maybe for the last couple of years?)
It looks weird and makes her look like a bad host and unfriendly person.
I am not a super hostess myself but it doesn’t bother me to make my guest comfortable and offer tea and maybe some snacks or food. I don’t get it when people act all put out by such huge tasks.

This is not meant as an argument with OP or PP, just an observation. It’s not that hard to be a minimally good host. Not serving hand and foot on anyone but just being friendly and providing initial basic supplies.

Sorry your brother is a bad host! I've dropped the rope with my in-laws for the most part (I do clean the house, make a grocery list for my husband to pick up so we have plenty of food in the house, and help him think through meal planning for the visit), but I'm sure my in-laws think I am a bad hostess. The reality is I can only care so much so I do help with some of the planning that I care about (clean house and a food plan for the visit).

What makes you think my brother is a bad host?!
There isn’t much hosting required in the first place. It’s not like they are providing a three course meal on arrival and a fully ready guest bedroom lol. But even the bare minimum - bring the sheets and make some tea and maybe slice some cheese? Is now demonstratively left to my brother.
I don’t really care, it’s their family, but it just looks funny and eyeroll worthy

Ok ... and? It looks funny - why?

Yes, it is their family.

Honestly they sound as if they’re in cognitive decline. They did not realize they were off by that many hours, hence the mumbling.

Prepare yourself. It’s only going to go downhill from here.

We recently had family announce that they would show up 24 hours early. They took a lot of steps to not cause us inconvenience so I wasn’t exactly annoyed. But it really stressed my husband out because it was really hard to be off for the time we were expecting them for. So not ideal and I don’t think we would do it to anyone else but I think their behavior upon arrival is what matters most.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why wouldn't your DH be the one to "deal with them" anyway? When my MIL comes to visit, the timing etc doesn't stress me because she is DH's cross to bear. Makes her sound like a bad thing, I know, which she's not. She's just his responsibility rather than mine.

SIL here. I like to believe I am not high maintenance but I do require being given the sheets and maybe a cup of tea and some food on arrival (o visit my brother once a year).
We always used to have a good relationship with my SIL, but I think she started “making me my brother’s responsibility” lately (maybe for the last couple of years?)
It looks weird and makes her look like a bad host and unfriendly person.
I am not a super hostess myself but it doesn’t bother me to make my guest comfortable and offer tea and maybe some snacks or food. I don’t get it when people act all put out by such huge tasks.

This is not meant as an argument with OP or PP, just an observation. It’s not that hard to be a minimally good host. Not serving hand and foot on anyone but just being friendly and providing initial basic supplies.

What’s wrong with your brother that he’s not offering you tea or making you comfortable? Is he a quadriplegic, or what? Why do you expect hospitality from someone with a vagina and not your brother, hmm?

Oh, he does. It’s just that it’s so obvious how she is now “leaving everything to him”, it’s eyeroll worthy.
She then eases up and becomes herself (I.e. does some things when she is around and leaves others to her DH/my brother when it’s convenient for them) but it’s just funny how she tries to be this modern woman who is letting her husband take responsibility for his family by leaving until tea is served lol

You are lucky she is still allowing you to come stay because you sound absolutely HORRIBLE to have as a guest. This was most likely their compromise. You shoudl be embarrassed your brother doesn't know how to host.

When I got visit my brother and his wife, I ask him for whatever I need. Or I take myself to the coffee shop around the corner and get my own drink and a snack. It's not hard!

Apologies for engaging Ms. Tea & Cheese's derail, but I can't fathom showing up at my brother's house and having someone else be my primary host. I'd feel awful if I showed up and my SIL was the one to make me tea and food while my brother was...elsewhere? I'm Irish and we typically chat while we make tea to welcome a guest. I'd expect my brother to be talking away while he boils the water and gets cups and some kind of cookies or something. It would be so weird for his wife to do this...I'm his *sister*. He's the one I want to catch up with.

It's utterly bizarre that Tea and Cheese would roll her eyes at the brother making her feel welcome, as if it's a political statement. I'd be hurt if my brother left it to anyone else.

Anonymous wrote:Wow these vents make me realize how awesome my ILs are. The one time they arrived in our area early (traffic not as bad as we all thought, making a 6 hr drive only 4 hours) they called us from the Starbucks in our town and said they were early and wanted to get coffee and look at newspapers for a while to rest up from the drive and could they bring us a coffee drink or something when they came to our house later?

They sound wonderful! I want to be like them

That’s pretty good, but you haven’t won until your ILs ask your kids for money after you bring the home from daycare.

Then we can talk.

You’re probably fine OP. Keep working and let them entertain themselves. If they need something, they can go get it on their own if they drove to you. Or take an Uber if they didn’t.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why wouldn't your DH be the one to "deal with them" anyway? When my MIL comes to visit, the timing etc doesn't stress me because she is DH's cross to bear. Makes her sound like a bad thing, I know, which she's not. She's just his responsibility rather than mine.

SIL here. I like to believe I am not high maintenance but I do require being given the sheets and maybe a cup of tea and some food on arrival (o visit my brother once a year).
We always used to have a good relationship with my SIL, but I think she started “making me my brother’s responsibility” lately (maybe for the last couple of years?)
It looks weird and makes her look like a bad host and unfriendly person.
I am not a super hostess myself but it doesn’t bother me to make my guest comfortable and offer tea and maybe some snacks or food. I don’t get it when people act all put out by such huge tasks.

This is not meant as an argument with OP or PP, just an observation. It’s not that hard to be a minimally good host. Not serving hand and foot on anyone but just being friendly and providing initial basic supplies.

What’s wrong with your brother that he’s not offering you tea or making you comfortable? Is he a quadriplegic, or what? Why do you expect hospitality from someone with a vagina and not your brother, hmm?

Oh, he does. It’s just that it’s so obvious how she is now “leaving everything to him”, it’s eyeroll worthy.
She then eases up and becomes herself (I.e. does some things when she is around and leaves others to her DH/my brother when it’s convenient for them) but it’s just funny how she tries to be this modern woman who is letting her husband take responsibility for his family by leaving until tea is served lol

You are lucky she is still allowing you to come stay because you sound absolutely HORRIBLE to have as a guest. This was most likely their compromise. You shoudl be embarrassed your brother doesn't know how to host.

When I got visit my brother and his wife, I ask him for whatever I need. Or I take myself to the coffee shop around the corner and get my own drink and a snack. It's not hard!

Tea poster reminds me of my MIL. She is healthy and able-bodied. She refuses to accept that DH and I don’t drink coffee, and therefore don’t set it up for her or make it for her. We have a standard drip and ground coffee, plus her preferred creamer on hand. She makes a pot of coffee for herself every day at home, but somehow expects us to make it for her even though we both work full time and have two small kids.

Welcome to our home. You may help yourself to anything in our kitchen. If you want coffee, help yourself. It’s pretty much the least you can do when we have cooked, cleaned, shopped, and are busy taking care of the kids. We provide a huge Thanksgiving meal and then she’s put out that she has to brew her own coffee to go with pie. NO ONE else drinks coffee with dessert—no one. (And we have 6 other adult guests for the Thanksgiving meal.)

Anonymous wrote:Yea, I get it. OP is soooo busy that she doesn’t even have time to log onto the internet and compose a long diatribe complaining about her in laws . . .

Oh wait.

I remember reading something very similar last year.

She may have done a copy and paste. 😉

Anonymous wrote:Showing up 9 hours early for no reason with no warning (when warning was easily given) is unquestionably rude. Anyone arguing otherwise just enjoys being contrary or is trolling OP.

Yes, it's very inconsiderate.

I think all you posters who host family for Thanksgiving stays deserve kudos. I have hosted the occasional dinner and that is more than enough work without also having houseguests. Family should not expect to be waited on unless they are very elderly or disabled.

Showing up 9 hours early for no reason with no warning (when warning was easily given) is unquestionably rude. Anyone arguing otherwise just enjoys being contrary or is trolling OP.