Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents had favorites growing up and pitted the siblings against each other. We're now in our late 30s and 40s and it's become clear that none of have functioning relationships. It's all coming to a head this holiday season with the parts of the family no longer speaking with each other.

I don't think there's any way we'll ever really be a family again. The favored siblings are narcissistic. The disfavored siblings are angry and hurt, cutting themselves off from the family. My parents continue to escalate and play favorites. Apparently the new boundaries by the hurt siblings have my mom saying she wants to die, but it's unclear if she's really suicidal or if it's more manipulation.

It's so hard to decide to walk away from the mess and give up on having a family (and grandparents for your kids) or to keep engaging with the endless drama, bullying, favortism, and hurt feelings. Partial boundaries haven't worked.

It may sound harsh, but remember your parents will die. Whenever my parents made me angry or hurt, I asked myself if I wanted to feel like this when they were gone. It led me to radical acceptance, which gave me peace to stay above it all. Now they are dead and I am so thankful I took the high road and focused on the positive. Dwelling on hurt wouldn’t have gotten me anywhere. I am glad I woke up in time. Sending love, patience and hope to you.

Yeah, this is part of what I'm struggling with. I don't really have a relationship with my father--he never wanted me and has rejected me my whole life, despite adoring two of my siblings. By contrast, my mom can be really great at times, but is likely bipolar with delusions. She can go from great to accusing me of things that never happened to sobbing to malicious gossip to screaming to a silent treatment to great again in the course of a month. You never know which person you'll get. She's also super judgemental of my parenting and decision not to SAH, on top of being super racist, so that's hard to deal with too. And a relationship with her requires a relationship with my narcissistic siblings, so that's hard. I just don't know. Will I regret not spending more time with her? I really miss the good times, but at the last family event my sister was physically violent (threw a Yeti mug at me) in front of my kids with my mother backing her up and accusing me of things that never happened. When is it not worth it any more? I don't know.

I’m the pp at 15:55

I never regretted going no contact with my manipulative and histrionic mother.

I regretted every time I let her back in in any way.

When she passed, it was a relief. She continued pitting my sibling and I against each other until she died and beyond.

No contact was my only relief from her. YMMV.

Anonymous wrote:Admitted I was an alcoholic started going to AA and I've been sober for two weeks. Terrified of relapsing.

Take it one day at a time. One hour at a time, if necessary. You can do it.
And if you relapse, you can get back on the wagon and try again.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Single, early turning into mid 40s, obviously never going to have a spouse/kid by this point, pretty much given up on dating. Lived/worked overseas for a long time and moved back just before COVID, and never really managed to make friends outside work. Father has Parkinsons and is declining, mother is also aging. I spend much of my free time helping them out, which means I have no real life outside work and my parents. Which in turn means once they are no longer around, there's not really going to be anyone important in my life save a nephew as my sibling and I do not and have never gotten along.

Career is going extremely well. Otherwise future is going to be a comfortable but likely very quiet life with no real friends and the occasional visit from nephew. But I don't have the personality that thinks in terms of fighting personal battles. I just get on with it. Then eventually I'll die and will be forgotten.

To you, and 21:05, assuming you are both women: I am a recently divorced guy 10-11-12 years older than you, with launched kids in their 30’s and grandchildren. I met a woman who fits your (similar) life paths to a T, and we really clicked. I’m very comfortably retired, constantly enjoying the outdoors with my dogs or hiking/biking, helping a lot with an aged parent, but bored and having a huge antipathy to the apps. Due to being married, I haven’t dated in many decades.

But I get a sense that neither I nor the woman I met would want put up with another person’s chronic intrusion into our “places of one’s own,” particularly not wanting our sleep disturbed, bathrooms entered, kitchens disrupted, etc.

Can either of you relate to this, wanting a honey/sweetheart/lover/partner, but wishing it could happen with a lot of intensity while somehow not taking over our space/s?

And how do you feel about being involved with someone who has no children to raise, but who has a bunch of family that you would have the “privilege” of getting to know very well?

Also, would it bug you to be a hard-working woman involved with a retired man?

All my questions are reflective of the personal “battle” I’m currently fighting.

I'm 21:05 and this is pretty much what I'm looking for. I don't have children, but would love step-grandchildren. I don't work that hard though, and would love to travel with my retired man while I freelance or work part time. I don't think I'd like to be doing the 9-5 grind while my partner was retired.
I do know of some long term committed mature couples who maintain their own homes but are married or have some legal arrangement where they can rely on each other.

Anonymous wrote:My parents had favorites growing up and pitted the siblings against each other. We're now in our late 30s and 40s and it's become clear that none of have functioning relationships. It's all coming to a head this holiday season with the parts of the family no longer speaking with each other.

I don't think there's any way we'll ever really be a family again. The favored siblings are narcissistic. The disfavored siblings are angry and hurt, cutting themselves off from the family. My parents continue to escalate and play favorites. Apparently the new boundaries by the hurt siblings have my mom saying she wants to die, but it's unclear if she's really suicidal or if it's more manipulation.

It's so hard to decide to walk away from the mess and give up on having a family (and grandparents for your kids) or to keep engaging with the endless drama, bullying, favortism, and hurt feelings. Partial boundaries haven't worked.

I’m so sorry. I almost could have written this. My alcoholic mother and stepfather created that kind of dynamic in our family too. They both passed away, but their damage lingers on: my sister and I no longer speak despite years of trying very hard.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents had favorites growing up and pitted the siblings against each other. We're now in our late 30s and 40s and it's become clear that none of have functioning relationships. It's all coming to a head this holiday season with the parts of the family no longer speaking with each other.

I don't think there's any way we'll ever really be a family again. The favored siblings are narcissistic. The disfavored siblings are angry and hurt, cutting themselves off from the family. My parents continue to escalate and play favorites. Apparently the new boundaries by the hurt siblings have my mom saying she wants to die, but it's unclear if she's really suicidal or if it's more manipulation.

It's so hard to decide to walk away from the mess and give up on having a family (and grandparents for your kids) or to keep engaging with the endless drama, bullying, favortism, and hurt feelings. Partial boundaries haven't worked.

It may sound harsh, but remember your parents will die. Whenever my parents made me angry or hurt, I asked myself if I wanted to feel like this when they were gone. It led me to radical acceptance, which gave me peace to stay above it all. Now they are dead and I am so thankful I took the high road and focused on the positive. Dwelling on hurt wouldn’t have gotten me anywhere. I am glad I woke up in time. Sending love, patience and hope to you.

Yeah, this is part of what I'm struggling with. I don't really have a relationship with my father--he never wanted me and has rejected me my whole life, despite adoring two of my siblings. By contrast, my mom can be really great at times, but is likely bipolar with delusions. She can go from great to accusing me of things that never happened to sobbing to malicious gossip to screaming to a silent treatment to great again in the course of a month. You never know which person you'll get. She's also super judgemental of my parenting and decision not to SAH, on top of being super racist, so that's hard to deal with too. And a relationship with her requires a relationship with my narcissistic siblings, so that's hard. I just don't know. Will I regret not spending more time with her? I really miss the good times, but at the last family event my sister was physically violent (threw a Yeti mug at me) in front of my kids with my mother backing her up and accusing me of things that never happened. When is it not worth it any more? I don't know.

I don't regret not spending more time with my insane family. And most of them are now dead and I don't miss that at all.

Cancer, major surgery, financial issues related to all of that, blah, blah, blah.

This post makes me think of that quote: “Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Be kind. Always.”

Some of these hit me really hard. It is a great reminder to be kind. You never really know what someone is dealing with in their private life.

Anonymous wrote:I'm a failure. No friends, no career success, just a masters from an online university.

I feel that shame sometimes too, but when I read or hear things talking about how we might have taken this on when we were in early childhood it makes me realize how daunting it is to undo and yet also, how this is a *part* of you just one part. Let’s try to be nice to ourselves the way we are to others. It ain’t easy.

Anonymous wrote:Series of family deaths and now a divorce complicated by mental illness. I work as a social worker and am losing my faith in people and therefore in myself. I’ve always really believed in core goodness and shared humanity but these days people are sharing such inhumanity towards others that I just don’t know. And if everyone is crap then I probably am too.

You’re not; your heart is big and that can be a burden sometimes but we see you.

Anonymous wrote:Terrible GI issues I can't figure out. Have to do all this testing and I just don't have the time or mental bandwidth, but I'm in agony.

Just throwing this out there (for anyone really and I know you probably have tried many things) : start reading labels for gums/emulsifiers (xanthan gum, guar etc and lecithin.) & ‘healthy’ preservatives (rosemary extract), flavoring. It’s only going to be relevant for a small percentage of people But all the additives in food lately can cause gastric distress. Look up FODMAP and wish you relief soon

Religious trauma was inflicted on my children by a so called famiiy “friend” behind my back and I didn’t find out the extent of it for years and because one child bought into everything and they hid the fact that they were evangelicals he is now indoctrinated beyond return .

We live this religious trauma over and over again every day and with every holiday he will no longer be a part of because it’s part of their cults beliefs , and I may never know my grandchildren when he has them because they have already begun to try to convince him to “shun” his unbelieving family .

It’s a long disgusting story but in the end I have to live with the guilt of not realizing the extend of the harm until it was too late. The anger towards my former friend and her family is eating me alive

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am deeply, mutually in love and feel I have found my person. He feels the same. But he has a young child, and I’d never imagined that I would be with someone with a kid. Taking on the role of stepparent and having his ex be part of his/our life forever seems like too much for me to take on. Keeping his life with me and his life as a parent separate as we have been is starting to weigh heavily and it’s getting close to the time where I need to jump in or jump ship. Every day I agonize over whether I should walk away from the love of my life and break both our hearts (but set him free), or accept the life I must have to be with him. Some days I think it would be crazy to walk away and lose so much happiness, and some days I think it would be crazy to stay and risk so much unhappiness. It feels like the true pivotal moment of my life and I don’t know what to do.

How old is the child and have you met/spent any time with them? Do you want kids of your own or had you envisioned a life without kids?

Maybe you can reframe this as the opportunity to love a new person who is an extension of someone you already love. Yes kids add a lot of chaos to life and have to be a priority, but they grow and it’s not like they are a little kid that will live with you forever (barring special needs). And if the ex is involved then you guys should have 50% free time to do adult things, travel, etc.

I haven’t met the kid yet, only because I feel very strongly that I didn’t want to become part of their life unless I was in it for the long haul. They’re 4. It’s coming up on 10 months though, so it really is time.

I like kids and have spent a lot of time nannying and babysitting, and having spent far too much time on this website I think I have much more theoretical parenting knowledge than the average childless person. I’d be a decent parent. I never had any strong pull to be a mother but wasn’t against it. I figured it may happen if I met the right person, and it has. From early on I was able to imagine having a baby with him. I have no doubt whether we have kids of our own or not, his child will add a lot of fun and joy and love to my life (in addition to the challenges and frustrations of caring for a little kid).

It’s just..all the complications. Having to be civil/friendly with his ex who is genuinely a mean-spirited person and an irresponsible parent (I’ve seen and experienced it for myself, my boyfriend does not degrade his child’s mother). The fact that I will likely end up loving this child and have no right to make decisions about their life. Jealousy. That we will never be free to live wherever we want. Negotiating holidays for the rest of forever. And probably countless logistical challenges I can’t even conceive of yet. My boyfriend adores me and has truly prioritized my happiness and well-being above all else so far and I have no doubt he will do his best to protect me from any unpleasantness, but there’s only so much he can do and I will have to compromise on my wants and needs. What if I can’t handle it? What if I regret signing myself up for this? But what if I regret letting him be the one who got away because I was too scared?

I can’t see myself finding as good a match for me again. It’s not the end of the world if I don’t, but it makes it hard to walk away. I’m a serial monogamist, dated a ton, and i’ve never once imagined myself marrying any past partners but I figured that was normal for everyone, and you just kind of decide to get married anyway because it’s the right time, they’d make a good parent, it’s a good financial decision etc. A couple months into dating this guy I was like…oh. This is how it’s supposed to be. I’ve never felt so deeply cared for and cherished, or such deep mutual respect and admiration. I’ve never been with someone who made me feel confident that they will always be on my team 100% no matter what. I’ve never felt so at peace. It’s a love that is calm, quiet, and easy. If it felt any less right it would be easier to say for sure the life I’m in for with him isn’t for me and I need to move on.

Goodness, this got too long, but I appreciate being able to get my thoughts out after feeling so alone with this for so long. If anyone actually read this, thank you.

Unwanted separation/divorce while pregnant with 4th baby. So deeply sad feeling like life doesn’t make sense anymore. First holiday in 15 years without spouse.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents had favorites growing up and pitted the siblings against each other. We're now in our late 30s and 40s and it's become clear that none of have functioning relationships. It's all coming to a head this holiday season with the parts of the family no longer speaking with each other.

I don't think there's any way we'll ever really be a family again. The favored siblings are narcissistic. The disfavored siblings are angry and hurt, cutting themselves off from the family. My parents continue to escalate and play favorites. Apparently the new boundaries by the hurt siblings have my mom saying she wants to die, but it's unclear if she's really suicidal or if it's more manipulation.

It's so hard to decide to walk away from the mess and give up on having a family (and grandparents for your kids) or to keep engaging with the endless drama, bullying, favortism, and hurt feelings. Partial boundaries haven't worked.

Hell, I can one up you big time. My parents divorced when I was 4 and for years passed me and my two siblings off to random relatives. Sometimes zI lived with my dad, sometimes my aunt, sometimes my mom, sometimes with my siblings, but mostly we were all separated and cast to the wind.

I'm 51 and haven't spoken with my older brother or younger sister in 15 years.

I'm not sure that's a one up, nor is it a competition. It may have been better if I'd been separated from my siblings. My brother used to beat me and my parents thought that was okay. He was the male sibling and deserved to get out his anger, after all.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents had favorites growing up and pitted the siblings against each other. We're now in our late 30s and 40s and it's become clear that none of have functioning relationships. It's all coming to a head this holiday season with the parts of the family no longer speaking with each other.

I don't think there's any way we'll ever really be a family again. The favored siblings are narcissistic. The disfavored siblings are angry and hurt, cutting themselves off from the family. My parents continue to escalate and play favorites. Apparently the new boundaries by the hurt siblings have my mom saying she wants to die, but it's unclear if she's really suicidal or if it's more manipulation.

It's so hard to decide to walk away from the mess and give up on having a family (and grandparents for your kids) or to keep engaging with the endless drama, bullying, favortism, and hurt feelings. Partial boundaries haven't worked.

It may sound harsh, but remember your parents will die. Whenever my parents made me angry or hurt, I asked myself if I wanted to feel like this when they were gone. It led me to radical acceptance, which gave me peace to stay above it all. Now they are dead and I am so thankful I took the high road and focused on the positive. Dwelling on hurt wouldn’t have gotten me anywhere. I am glad I woke up in time. Sending love, patience and hope to you.

Yeah, this is part of what I'm struggling with. I don't really have a relationship with my father--he never wanted me and has rejected me my whole life, despite adoring two of my siblings. By contrast, my mom can be really great at times, but is likely bipolar with delusions. She can go from great to accusing me of things that never happened to sobbing to malicious gossip to screaming to a silent treatment to great again in the course of a month. You never know which person you'll get. She's also super judgemental of my parenting and decision not to SAH, on top of being super racist, so that's hard to deal with too. And a relationship with her requires a relationship with my narcissistic siblings, so that's hard. I just don't know. Will I regret not spending more time with her? I really miss the good times, but at the last family event my sister was physically violent (threw a Yeti mug at me) in front of my kids with my mother backing her up and accusing me of things that never happened. When is it not worth it any more? I don't know.