Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As I read this thread I suspected this was really a thing about not liking/enjoying your in laws. Nothing wrong with that. But you should be honest with your husband and be prepared to let him and the kids go by themselves.

I’m guessing that if your husband told you that your nuclear family would spend T-giving week in NYC or some other vacation destination your concerns about expense/travel/packing stress would go away immediately. He’ll see right through that, so be honest with him.

Like you, I’m from a foreign country (much closer than Australia). Christmas was a huge deal in my extended family growing up and I dearly miss it. I’m talking 25 child first cousins all getting together while the Mom’s and dads did adult stuff. Walking as an extended family of nearly 50 the three blocks to Midnight Mass where my extended family had been raised. I truly miss it.

We’ve spent 90% of the Thanksgiving and Christmas holidays with my in laws here in the USA. Like you, I’d say 80% of that has been at my in laws home which is 3 hours away (car) and we’ve hosted the rest. My in laws are part of a tight knit community, so I’ve incorporated into their traditions and they’ve welcomed me as one of their own. I end up wrangling the kids at the holidays as it is a time for my in laws to catch up given that the family is spread out across the country or childhood friends from the community catch up. I’m not sure how it happened, but at some point about 20 years ago I became the person that cooks Christmas breakfast every single year (pancakes, eggs, sausage and some other items) and I usually cook the Christmas dinner protein. But it isn’t particularly fun for me and I could think of a thousand other places I’d rather be than that mid-size town.

But here is the deal: my wife treasures that family time when everyone is together and my kids love it, too. It is just two weeks out of the year and so I gladly make the best of it, and, if weather permits, I’ll sneak away for a round of golf one day.

It’s not that I don’t like ILs, the dynamic is just different when you’re in someone else’s house for a week or two- it’s their turf so the conversation, the tv, the activities, the food is driven by them and it would be inappropriate to dress too sloppily at any time. I just don’t get the same freedoms I usually would in my own house or on my own vacation. The holidays they came up to us but stayed separately was the best holiday we ever had- we had plenty of time together but I still got to be comfortable in my own space.

I definitely do this for DH. Agree that kid will be happy wherever. Just today he told me how excited he was to go down for thanksgiving, how he loved the food, the space, the outdoors so much. It’s easy to hold a firm line in my head theoretically but the thought of taking that away from him because I don’t want to suck it up makes me feel selfish.

Anonymous wrote:As I read this thread I suspected this was really a thing about not liking/enjoying your in laws. Nothing wrong with that. But you should be honest with your husband and be prepared to let him and the kids go by themselves.

I’m guessing that if your husband told you that your nuclear family would spend T-giving week in NYC or some other vacation destination your concerns about expense/travel/packing stress would go away immediately. He’ll see right through that, so be honest with him.

Like you, I’m from a foreign country (much closer than Australia). Christmas was a huge deal in my extended family growing up and I dearly miss it. I’m talking 25 child first cousins all getting together while the Mom’s and dads did adult stuff. Walking as an extended family of nearly 50 the three blocks to Midnight Mass where my extended family had been raised. I truly miss it.

We’ve spent 90% of the Thanksgiving and Christmas holidays with my in laws here in the USA. Like you, I’d say 80% of that has been at my in laws home which is 3 hours away (car) and we’ve hosted the rest. My in laws are part of a tight knit community, so I’ve incorporated into their traditions and they’ve welcomed me as one of their own. I end up wrangling the kids at the holidays as it is a time for my in laws to catch up given that the family is spread out across the country or childhood friends from the community catch up. I’m not sure how it happened, but at some point about 20 years ago I became the person that cooks Christmas breakfast every single year (pancakes, eggs, sausage and some other items) and I usually cook the Christmas dinner protein. But it isn’t particularly fun for me and I could think of a thousand other places I’d rather be than that mid-size town.

But here is the deal: my wife treasures that family time when everyone is together and my kids love it, too. It is just two weeks out of the year and so I gladly make the best of it, and, if weather permits, I’ll sneak away for a round of golf one day.

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Thank you all for the thoughtful replies. I know a lot of posts focus on DH stepping up to do more while we are away, and while that might help a bit, it is not really why I dislike spending all the holidays away. I feel like a lot of the reasons I dislike it are essentially selfish and only bother me and not anyone else, and it feels selfish to take the joy away from DH and kids by saying no I won’t go. (DH would never go without me)

1. I hate FL. It’s boring and I find that there is so much more to do locally, especially at Christmas. DH ands kids loves FL of course.
2. I just never feel as comfortable at ILs place as I am in my own house. I feel like I have to dress up more than I would at home, make small talk, I can’t just hang out with no bra on in the house after a long day unless I confine myself to our room. DH and kids are completely comfortable of course.
3. I’m not a fan of IL cooking- very starchy, heavy, creamy foods all the time. DH and kids love it of course.
4. IL are big football (and drinking) fans and DH seldom indulges while at home, but with them everyone is obsessed so he joins in the fun. I’m just a spoilsport in their eyes.
5. The tv is always on. I just hate that.
6. I never get 1:1 time with DH while there. All our meals are spent with ILs.
7. Conversations with ILs get old after the first day or two especially when every single moment is spent with them. A lot of recounting of stories from their shared past I’ve heard a million times but still have to smile politely at, very little interest in me as a person independent of their son and grandchildren.
8. The travel, change in environment, lack of access to all their usual toys disregulates my usually easy kids and makes them more hyper, clingy, affects their sleep and just makes parenting less pleasant. Grandparents also have a tendency to want to indulge them with sweets, screen time which makes it harder to keep being the person who says no. DH thinks it’s ok during the holidays to loosen up a bit but I like to be consistent.

God that was cathartic. I really needed to let all that out.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just do 1 either Thanksgiving or Christmas.

You both have to get over the idea that holidays are about extended family.They aren’t. How old are your kids and how many do you have? Do you like Thanksgiving food?

Personally I would travel for Thanksgiving and do Christmas at home. None of us like Thanksgiving food so making a bunch of food that we don’t even like when it would only be the four of us was silly. Though our best Thanksgiving was actually going on vacation and eating at a nice restaurants for Thanksgiving, no one ordered turkey.

Personally I also like having the house decorated for Christmas, doing Christmas stuff leading up to Christmas and on Christmas Day just staying in pajamas while the kids play with their toys. DH grew up with always going to Christmas at his grandmothers so his parents never decorated or did much for the holiday which he found sad. He loves that our house has all the Christmas bells and whistles.

Hers the
Op here. Part of the reason I want the holidays to be about extended family is because I want my kids to remember that it’s important to spend holidays with grandparents too. I know DCUM is big on hard lines and boundary setting so this is not a popular view, but I would be very sad if my kids never wanted to spend the holidays with me when I’m old. I would absolutely travel to them though if they prefer it.

To all those saying my DH should do more, he actually does a lot on the actual holiday day (tgiving and Xmas) when he has no work. But almost all the days leading up and after it, he has to work for at least a few hours everyday. He runs his own business so he is never truly off- when there is work, there’s work. It feels unfair to ask him to then do hours of childcare after working.

This isn’t the way this works. You are giving your kids memories of spending holidays in Florida with their grandparents and cousins. What you aren’t doing is creating holiday memories as a family. When they are older and have their own families, they get to pick where they go and what they do. This is the only time in your life where you actually get to decide what they do for holidays. You are wasting precious years doing things you don’t want to hoping it will work out for you later. It’s not going to.

Op here. This post really spoke to me. I think I really needed to hear this, thank you. [/quote

NP I had lots of friends and even some boyfriends who had no nuclear family traditions for holidays. As soon as their grandparents died, all traditions fell apart. Several of them went to their boyfriends or girlfriend's houses instead because they didn't have traditions or a place to go for holidays. "My parents didn't celebrate much."

You only really have 18 years to have the magical holidays that you want. I believe kids deserve to wake up in their beds. Grandparents can always travel to you instead.

Here's the thing. You can always create new traditions. My in laws changed how we do Christmas post the grandparents getting divorced and it worked out fine