Anonymous
Post 11/08/2023 13:19     Subject: Re:I hate where we live.
Anonymous wrote:I feel the same, OP. I thought I'd feel more settled here in the DC area after having kids, but that hasn't panned out. It feels just as transitory and transactional as it always has--maybe even more so post-pandemic. All but one of my friends has moved away over the years. My kids' friends and classmates move away continually or change schools at the drop of a hat. It feels unstable and unfulfilling. I don't expect the same childhood experience for my kids that I had in suburbia, but it would be nice to have a middle ground--a place with a good combination of lifers and newer residents, where people view their community as their home rather than some temporary stopping point, where random encounters with the public are at least civil, where there isn't such scarcity of resources/high demand for kid-related activities that try-outs or registration requires strategic, long-term planning and ends up resembling the Hunger Games. I'm Type A and even I can no longer tolerate all of the other Type A jerks around here. I'm not even going to go down the rabbit hole of rising crime and the cost of living.

I WANT to like it here. There are so many reasons to like the DC area in theory. And I did very much like it at one point. The issues that bother me now didn't bother me as much in years past I guess. On a daily basis, it's rarely enjoyable anymore and it's becoming difficult to tolerate. But I feel somewhat stuck for a variety of reasons, including the fact that I don't like change even if I think I'd like to drop everything and move across the country.


The transient nature of this area is a major reason I'm unhappy as well. Between that and the high cost of living, it can just be hard to feel settled here.

My DD's closest friend and her family (who we were all close to and spent a lot of time socializing with) moved away last year and it's been really hard. One thing I recently realized is that I think that experience has actually shifted how I think about other friends and meeting new people. I mentally prepare myself for anyone to leave, because they might. I know so many people who talk about it as a possibility, especially due to school issues (we live in DC and so many people struggle with MS/HS here) or cost of living. Plus now crime is a big factor.

And the more you get used to the idea that anyone around you might announce they are leaving tomorrow, the harder it is to feel invested in this area. I have felt my own desire to move mounting over the years and with these friends moving away, I think it pushed it over the edge.

Someone upthread talked about poverty being contagious and that might be true. But in DC, being transient and not really committed to a place is contagious too. Once you've said goodbye to enough friends you start to wonder what the point is in staying.
Anonymous
Post 11/08/2023 13:11     Subject: Re:I hate where we live.
I feel the same, OP. I thought I'd feel more settled here in the DC area after having kids, but that hasn't panned out. It feels just as transitory and transactional as it always has--maybe even more so post-pandemic. All but one of my friends has moved away over the years. My kids' friends and classmates move away continually or change schools at the drop of a hat. It feels unstable and unfulfilling. I don't expect the same childhood experience for my kids that I had in suburbia, but it would be nice to have a middle ground--a place with a good combination of lifers and newer residents, where people view their community as their home rather than some temporary stopping point, where random encounters with the public are at least civil, where there isn't such scarcity of resources/high demand for kid-related activities that try-outs or registration requires strategic, long-term planning and ends up resembling the Hunger Games. I'm Type A and even I can no longer tolerate all of the other Type A jerks around here. I'm not even going to go down the rabbit hole of rising crime and the cost of living.

I WANT to like it here. There are so many reasons to like the DC area in theory. And I did very much like it at one point. The issues that bother me now didn't bother me as much in years past I guess. On a daily basis, it's rarely enjoyable anymore and it's becoming difficult to tolerate. But I feel somewhat stuck for a variety of reasons, including the fact that I don't like change even if I think I'd like to drop everything and move across the country.
Anonymous
Post 11/08/2023 12:54     Subject: I hate where we live.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I hate living here. I never wanted to live here but settled here for my partner. They are a lifer, meaning they were born here, want to live here and die here. Once my youngest is out of the house, I am leaving (where TBD). Partner can either come or not, but I am outta here.


Same! I can't wait.


Yep, me too. I want to live somewhere with an awe-inspiring view. DH wants to stay and build/live in a small house in our current yard and rent out our current house. No thanks, DH.
Anonymous
Post 11/08/2023 12:50     Subject: I hate where we live.
Anonymous wrote:We both hate where we live but due to the housing market we feel very very trapped. We have a one bedroom apartment in the city of Alexandria it's terrible. I hate my life, my cars been broken into 3 times, the doors on our complex used to lock but have been unlocked and open for 9 months now. Sewer bill and water bill for one month was over $140. The neighbors we share walls with are rude jerks so I have to listen to music and video games 24/7, smell weed smoke, hear people yelling all the time, it's really unbelievable we find ourselves in this situation. Mind blowing really. We are trapped.


Ok you are in no way stuck. Not even a little bit. Once the lease ends, you can move and rent elsewhere. There are plenty of places to live in the DC metro area. So no, you aren't really trapped, you just want to believe you are.
Anonymous
Post 11/08/2023 12:48     Subject: I hate where we live.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:

If you're on anti-depressants and you are that miserable...

... you won't be very happy elsewhere, OP.

Moving is not a magic pill. You're trying to run away from yourself. Fix what's wrong instead, and if you want, you can also move. But treat the two separately, because they are separate. I think your husband understands this about you, hence his moving the goalposts - which, BTW, isn't cool either. But he probably can't articulate what's wrong with your scenario because he's too close to the situation.



DP here and this is not true. The weather, the natural surroundings, the people (such as family), the available activities can make a big difference. It is possible that she would be unhappy anywhere, but there are a lot of people that don't like DC for a reason.

For me, I find it logistically difficult. Our families live out of state, so we miss out on most of their get-togethers and celebrations, and if we want to visit we have to fly our whole family cross-country. We can't just make a last-minute weekend visit. As our parents age I really don't know what we'll do.
Also, my DH is stressed out and grumpy from his job and commute, and somehow he can't see what it's doing to him. I know we might not find a better situation somewhere else but it sounds like people are happier when they move to lower-cost, lower-stress areas.


OP - Thank you. This sums up my situation to a T. I have always been close to my family and living away from them means that I miss out on the little things that fill up my cup.


But you have lived her a while now, and your family hasn't been close by for a long time. So what are these little things that you are missing out on? Is it possible you are blowing them out of proportion or that they would even continue to happen? You can move back but realize things will be different. Everyone there has their own routines, friends, work, lives, etc and you will be the outsider for a while. Or maybe for a long time. You will have to adapt to they way they do things now and not as you remember them.

It's easier to say you want to move vs. working through the issues. Start with telling your DH that his family is welcome to visit at your home but you need a break from going to them so often. Remind him that as people grow older and settle into their own families it's natural that visiting one's parents and siblings is going to decline. This isn't wrong or bad it's just the way it is. You guys might need to consider counseling to learn how to deal with the pressures from family demands.

And when your family or their family says they don't want to visit bc they don't like it, counter it with why not? this place is great and insert some fun things to do. They might be extending invites to their home bc you complain so much about hating your own home so they think they are doing you a favor.


Anonymous
Post 11/08/2023 12:24     Subject: I hate where we live.
Anonymous wrote:I hate living here. I never wanted to live here but settled here for my partner. They are a lifer, meaning they were born here, want to live here and die here. Once my youngest is out of the house, I am leaving (where TBD). Partner can either come or not, but I am outta here.


Same! I can't wait.
Anonymous
Post 11/08/2023 12:21     Subject: I hate where we live.
Anonymous wrote:Is Op the one living in a 1 bedroom apartment with a car that’s been broken into three times? Because that sounds awful. I am thankful every day that I demanded that we move in 2020. DH was not on board, but I insisted.


No that's me not op. I told DH we should move in 2020 but he though that a pandemic would only last a few weeks. Yes you read that right so here we are. Trapped.
Anonymous
Post 11/08/2023 12:11     Subject: I hate where we live.
I hate living here. I never wanted to live here but settled here for my partner. They are a lifer, meaning they were born here, want to live here and die here. Once my youngest is out of the house, I am leaving (where TBD). Partner can either come or not, but I am outta here.
Anonymous
Post 11/08/2023 11:42     Subject: I hate where we live.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I'm absolutely in the same boat. After college, my XH and I agreed that we would move to CA, because I have family there. While I was in grad school, he got a job in the DC area and said it would only be for a few years. Well 15+ years later, we never left, and then he cheated. So I'm trapped and isolated here until my youngest graduates HS.

My other half of the family lives in a red state, but I would still move back even if the politics are complicated. The problem I find with this area is that everyone is so high strung. From work to schools to traffic to Costco. It's the same tension all over.


Are there parts of our country not like this?


You don't get out much, do you?
Anonymous
Post 11/08/2023 11:29     Subject: I hate where we live.
Anonymous wrote:OP, so you want to live in the same place as your family of origin because you miss them? That’s a different problem than what you wrote originally. Can you or they visit more?
it’s not just that. I’m from a city in the NE - people are friendlier, I like the weather better, COL is lower, my salary would go further there because people in my field get paid more up there.

And my family can’t visit more. One of my parents has been having health issues for years, making it more difficult for them to travel.
Anonymous
Post 11/08/2023 11:27     Subject: I hate where we live.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:

If you're on anti-depressants and you are that miserable...

... you won't be very happy elsewhere, OP.

Moving is not a magic pill. You're trying to run away from yourself. Fix what's wrong instead, and if you want, you can also move. But treat the two separately, because they are separate. I think your husband understands this about you, hence his moving the goalposts - which, BTW, isn't cool either. But he probably can't articulate what's wrong with your scenario because he's too close to the situation.



DP here and this is not true. The weather, the natural surroundings, the people (such as family), the available activities can make a big difference. It is possible that she would be unhappy anywhere, but there are a lot of people that don't like DC for a reason.

For me, I find it logistically difficult. Our families live out of state, so we miss out on most of their get-togethers and celebrations, and if we want to visit we have to fly our whole family cross-country. We can't just make a last-minute weekend visit. As our parents age I really don't know what we'll do.
Also, my DH is stressed out and grumpy from his job and commute, and somehow he can't see what it's doing to him. I know we might not find a better situation somewhere else but it sounds like people are happier when they move to lower-cost, lower-stress areas.


OP - Thank you. This sums up my situation to a T. I have always been close to my family and living away from them means that I miss out on the little things that fill up my cup.


If your family of origin is the only thing that makes you happy why did you marry, OP? Marriage means leaving your family and starting your own. The fact that you blame your depression on this just sounds like not taking responsibility for your choices, which is probably why you are depressed because you can’t figure out how to be honest about your own choices.


DP here. You are being rude, unsupportive and obtuse. If people want to go to a thread to vent, let them. It is not up to you to beat them down. It is precisely what people do not like about DC - the snark, the unwillingness to be supportive, the fake superiority, and the one upmanship BS. Just shut it.

OP here. Thank you for this response. I clearly mentioned in the initial post that I love my husband and that’s why I stay.
Anonymous
Post 11/08/2023 11:16     Subject: I hate where we live.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Maybe your husband isn't interested in living close to your family?


+100

If you read the OP carefully, there’s a strong implication that her only solution to her unhappiness is to move closer to her family. So that’s a very different kettle of fish than “my husband doesn’t want to move” and “I hate it here.”

How many husbands are there who won’t see this as “I will be miserable anywhere in the world except close to my hometown” and “living close to my family but much farther away from your family” is what is being demanded.

When people can only see themselves as finding happiness by moving to their hometown, that means their unhappiness is not caused by where they live, but by their inability to embrace the positives of their current location.

I bet those of us on DCUM (wherever we live now) who grew up in the DMV (admittedly a skewed sample) tend to view the DMV as a great place to have grown up in.


This is an interesting perspective. I moved around a lot as a kid and my parents now live in a different state than where I grew up. So I don’t really have a “home town” to compare to. I really like this area despite some of the drawbacks and I think it’s actually hard to find a lot of the pros of where we live in other cities with plentiful jobs.

For me, being north of here is a dealbreaker. DC winters are as cold as I can manage. I don’t want to be anywhere too politically conservative or with total lack of diversity (even as a white person I don’t want to be in some all white town). I want access to good transit (we are in a walkable suburb now). I want city amenities like museums, concerts, shows, and varied restaurant options. So where else does that leave that isn’t just as expensive as the DC area?

If you like smaller town life though then I can 100% see how paying a premium for all the above wouldn’t appeal to you. And if you really want a big house.

I’m okay raising my kids in a smaller home in a denser area if it means being in an area with lots of interesting things to do. I would not want to pay 8% interest though to live in generic housing stock in an exurb and then sit in traffic. That does sound awful.
Anonymous
Post 11/08/2023 11:12     Subject: Re:I hate where we live.
welcome to the club

Every move we made was chosen for us. And now that work no longer applies, convenience keeps us planted. I don't hate living where we are, I'm just not loving it. And the thought of moving again has lost the thrill for a new place. So I make the best of a situation I can't control and find things to keep me occupied.
Sometimes you just have to accept what life throws you instead of fighting it.
Anonymous
Post 11/08/2023 11:06     Subject: I hate where we live.
Anonymous wrote:

If you're on anti-depressants and you are that miserable...

... you won't be very happy elsewhere, OP.

Moving is not a magic pill. You're trying to run away from yourself. Fix what's wrong instead, and if you want, you can also move. But treat the two separately, because they are separate. I think your husband understands this about you, hence his moving the goalposts - which, BTW, isn't cool either. But he probably can't articulate what's wrong with your scenario because he's too close to the situation.



With all due respect, this isn't always true.

Several of my good friends were prescribed anti-depressants.

When they made life changes (new job, move, ended bad relationship), they found that the meds were no longer necessary and discontinued.
Anonymous
Post 11/08/2023 11:02     Subject: I hate where we live.
Anonymous wrote:I can sympathize, but in the end, you need to suck it up and stay where you agreed to live.

Your DH is right. A lot of industries that everyone thought would stay remote are now all going back into the office. On top of that, even if he was to stay remote and his job and company were totally safe forever, a lot of companies don’t let you work remotely from anywhere - there are state taxes to handle, health insurance, different laws for holidays, etc. - most companies really don’t want to deal with that. But really the main reason is that your DH may lose his job and living here in this area makes it easier to get his next job.

If you really want to move back home, I suppose you can move back, but you’d be abandoning your DH and children. You can wait until your kids are out of the house and then you can leave your husband behind.

But I think you owe it to your kids to get yourself into therapy and start opening up to finding great things about this area. This is truly an amazing place to live if you let yourself be open to it. If you can’t find events and things to enjoy, you must be actively trying to avoid them.


+1.

It's understandable to want to be near your family. But if you mindset is that only your family will make you happy, then it's a disservice to your H and your kids. You need to work on yourself to get to the root of your unhappiness. FWIW, I'm weary of being too close to my spouse's extended family. It's big, and many family members socialize with family only and it's a very insular culture. The family will subsume us if we lived close.