Anonymous wrote: If I need help, I have to ask and tell him specifically what to do. It's like having a teenager for a husband.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I don't know if my life is just dissatisfying, but here's the trauma dump if anyone cares to read it.

My husband makes no effort in our marriage. We haven't gone on a date in 3 years. He plans an annual trips with his group of friends from highschool. They do an annual fishing trip for a week. He used to go fishing every weekend on Saturday and sometimes Sunday mornings. He would leave at 5AM and get back by noon, but be tired and need to take a nap. He has 3 hunting trips so far, he's gone on 2/3 with his Dad on weekend trips. He has plenty of time to go out for lunch/breakfast with his Dad on these trips, have barbecues in the evening. My son and I are never invited.

My husband did not get up in the night for the first 2 years of our sons life. We bought a baby brezza so he could try a formula feeding. He blames it on me breastfeeding and him needing to get up at 5AM for work. I was alone half the time so I just sucked it up. He has started putting our son to bed at night by himself and getting up in the night when our son wakes up.

I asked him last night why he has the ability to plan and go on trips with his buddies and friends but not his wife. He shrugged and said it's what he's done since he's 12 years old. We'll, we've been together a DECADE. I told him if he hasn't figured out how to take his wife on a date he's hopeless if he's stuck in the loop of doing what he's done since he's 12.

I fantasize all the time about leaving him, taking half the equity in the home and buying a condo and doing things I want to do. Like selling my minivan and buying a small little car, like a new Toyota Prius or Corolla. I dream about getting my c-section diastasis recti fixed surgically and having a flat stomach and not being afraid to look at myself in the mirror. I dream about having two weeks alone and not needing to do pick up/drop offs and handle all the administrative duties in my home. I manage the bills, pay for our son's school tuition, order the groceries, clean the house every week by myself (all the mopping, vacuuming, dusting, etc). I do all the cooking and the majority of the cleanup because my husband won't do simple things like wipe the stove off. My husband will occasionally make our son's lunch and breakfast in the morning before he leaves for work. If I need help, I have to ask and tell him specifically what to do. It's like having a teenager for a husband.

Why can't I do this? Because my husband has gotten us into 20K worth of debt. He worked out of state and was gone for 3-4 months at a time. I had to rely on credit cards to buy food and basic necessities. When he came home, he was not managing his company funds properly and setting aside money for taxes. We are 15K in debt with the IRS and 10K in credit card debt. We refinanced our house to pay off our car debt, but it just saddled us with more debt. Our mortgage has gone from a $2400 to a $3000 payment. Right now my husband leaves the house at 6:30/6:45 and gets home around 3PM. Our son is in school from 9-1PM. I am trying to find a nanny but struggling to find someone who's willing to come over for 3 hours.

I haven't divorced him because the cost would come at my child's unhappiness. I would lose half the residential time with my son in his life and childhood. I would have to sell the home my son is so used to. I don't want to shuttle him back and forth for the next 14 years.

I constantly look at condo listings on Zillow for rent or sale and fantasize about having my own life doing the things I want to do, where I am free of the household debt and I have some time to myself and can pay for the things I want and have some time to breathe. I am tired of owning a home, because my husband always finds 3-4 hours of yardwork every Saturday to mow the lawn, blow pine needles off the roof, do the weed whacking or whatever needs to be done and mess around in the garage organizing things.

Our child was not planned. We had been in marriage counseling at the time (because I never felt like a priority, lol) and our marriage had improved. I went off birth control for one month and BAM - pregnant. I had been considering divorce prior to, because my husband would go and hang out with his uncle or brother after work multiple times per week instead of coming home and spending time with me.

Why would he want to be with a frumpy, depressed wife? I don't blame him for going on these fishing trips. He doesn't love me. After I told all of the above last night, he just said "i'm a bad husband and a bad father" feels sorry for himself then STRIPS DOWN naked and comes at me in bed. He sees his responsibility to me as being a financial provider. He's not, we are equal income. I think he earns maybe $400/month more than I do.

Anonymous wrote:I don't think a babysitter or your husband to step in on XYZ will help you long term. I think you need to change your perspective.

It's as simple as training your brain to stop dwelling on the bad parts and start focusing on what you're grateful for.

When I had my first baby, I was so overwhelmed and exhausted, and probably even resented him. I remember yelling out in frustration during 3 a.m. crying. But I followed this blogger who really was so sweet with her baby, always talking about how proud of him she was for learning to sleep in longer stretches, things like that. And it really shifted things for me. I started to really focus on gratitude and it helped a lot.

I DO have sympathy and agree it can be a slog, especially playing with them and the messes they make from one second of playing before they're onto the next. I'm not trying to minimize your feelings but I really do think mental exercises can help us. It's worth a try.

And FWIW I think it's awesome that you're becoming Catholic. Good for you.

Anonymous wrote:So, AS ALMOST ALWAYS, the real problem isn’t the kid, it’s the man baby husband. So reading that post $20k in debt isn’t that bad. It’s bad but a lot of people are far, FAR worse off. Put your kid in full time day care, not just a 9-1 preschool. That way he’ll have before and after care. Are you trying to WFH now with your kid around from 1-whenever? That’s unsustainable and your kid is probably bored. At a full day program, he won’t be bored. He’ll be around other kids to entertain him and keep him company and it will be good for both of you. I assume next school year he will be in K? If so, remember that the full day care will just be one year, then he’ll be in school and if you need before/after care it will be cheaper. I would not bother running that past your husband, because he seems checked out and oblivious. I would just research a new place and do it.

Then lean into your career so that in a few years you can leave him. Don’t assume he would want 50-50 physical custody either. Men like that are usually perfectly fine with every other weekend and a few weeks in the summer. You won’t get much in the way of child support, but you will get some. And if you are in a good spot with your career and can be frugal, which it sounds like you can be, you can certainly manage.

Anonymous wrote:[img]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is wild! I wrote the above before I saw the subsequent page, and in addition to “Sanctimommy,” and “nasty and rude”, she’s been called “trashy,” “smug b,” and “spoiled.” for offering her viewpoint. Did people even read what she had to say before jumping on her back and lifestyle and calling her an awful person? She says neither she nor her husband are high earners, and she took nannying jobs for family and friends to make it work for her. This is an example of a creative and out-of-the-box solution, way better than the typical (trashy, spoiled etc) DCUM response of “just be worth millions and millions of dollars like me, the end”.

I'm a SAHM mom myself but I don't see how telling her to quit her job and spend even more time with her demanding and energetic son is helpful advice.

Interesting. I am a WOHM (and enjoy it) but was going to suggest OP look into a leave of absence before her planned cocktail or SSRIs + therapy. Maybe simplifying life would help

Anonymous wrote:Lots of nuclear options. But there are simpler solutions. First of all, hire a sitter. Hire one for several nights of the week. Your kid at that age will thrive with teenage or college kids they love the attention from them. Make sure they play outside with him for at least an hour. Drop the mom guilt. It does no one any good, least of all your kid.

Anonymous wrote:

Read what you want into it. But let's be real here: what do you think any pastor and congregation members will tell her? Give your husband more chores because he currently doesn't do a fair share? More likely it will be about acceptance of her lot in some shape or form and what a woman's role in a traditional family is.

Religion is a mass therapy for those who otherwise would have no access to any. Soothing and pacifying while promising something better after death.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, it's hard, I also have a 4 yo and hate pretend play, as well as have history of PPD.

First of all give yourself some grace - ALL that you're doing is important, even parts that feel like chores.

Here are a few things that help:
- therapy (we get triggered by parenthood, often reliving some of our own unresolved childhood issues). At minimum it helps to understand and accept why some parts of parenting don't feel like you thought they might.

- you are giving your DH a pass on chores, as many PPs pointed out. Why is that? "doing laundry" without putting it away means just pushing a button. It's not a thing. Folding and putting away is the biggest time suck. Have a frank discussion about chores. There is zero reason he can't go and get groceries but you must do it while doing childcare too.

- outsource. it costs, but it's not forever, and you both work (and considering a private schooling route). Figure out what you want to do the least and pay for it. Meal delivery, cleaning service, more babysitting, whatever. Buy yourself more me-time. It's OK, you deserve it, it will feel 100 times better once you have it.

- I am married to a Catholic, and will say this without any malice. A religion that incorporates a lot of guilt, placed especially on females, might not be your best move until you dig yourself out of the current funk. You can send your child to a Catholic school even if one of the parents is not catholic.

How is this said without malice? You assumed the worst about a religion you don't understand (being married to a Catholic does not automatically mean you understand Catholicism).

I would actually make more sense for OP to lean into her spirituality. It may help put everything in perspective and give you peace and help you let go of the guilt of not always being the perfect mom. Lean into that community, talk to your pastor, go to church at night after bedtime routine and just meditate for 15 minutes.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, it's hard, I also have a 4 yo and hate pretend play, as well as have history of PPD.

First of all give yourself some grace - ALL that you're doing is important, even parts that feel like chores.

Here are a few things that help:
- therapy (we get triggered by parenthood, often reliving some of our own unresolved childhood issues). At minimum it helps to understand and accept why some parts of parenting don't feel like you thought they might.

- you are giving your DH a pass on chores, as many PPs pointed out. Why is that? "doing laundry" without putting it away means just pushing a button. It's not a thing. Folding and putting away is the biggest time suck. Have a frank discussion about chores. There is zero reason he can't go and get groceries but you must do it while doing childcare too.

- outsource. it costs, but it's not forever, and you both work (and considering a private schooling route). Figure out what you want to do the least and pay for it. Meal delivery, cleaning service, more babysitting, whatever. Buy yourself more me-time. It's OK, you deserve it, it will feel 100 times better once you have it.

- I am married to a Catholic, and will say this without any malice. A religion that incorporates a lot of guilt, placed especially on females, might not be your best move until you dig yourself out of the current funk. You can send your child to a Catholic school even if one of the parents is not catholic.

How is this said without malice? You assumed the worst about a religion you don't understand (being married to a Catholic does not automatically mean you understand Catholicism).

I would actually make more sense for OP to lean into her spirituality. It may help put everything in perspective and give you peace and help you let go of the guilt of not always being the perfect mom. Lean into that community, talk to your pastor, go to church at night after bedtime routine and just meditate for 15 minutes.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is wild! I wrote the above before I saw the subsequent page, and in addition to “Sanctimommy,” and “nasty and rude”, she’s been called “trashy,” “smug b,” and “spoiled.” for offering her viewpoint. Did people even read what she had to say before jumping on her back and lifestyle and calling her an awful person? She says neither she nor her husband are high earners, and she took nannying jobs for family and friends to make it work for her. This is an example of a creative and out-of-the-box solution, way better than the typical (trashy, spoiled etc) DCUM response of “just be worth millions and millions of dollars like me, the end”.

I'm a SAHM mom myself but I don't see how telling her to quit her job and spend even more time with her demanding and energetic son is helpful advice.