Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hi OP.

If you went through with this, how would DH react if he found out?

Is there a way you could train him, or condition him, to be more open to you doing this, without outright saying it? Maybe, over time, you could make him see it more your way, and at least be open to a “don’t ask don’t tell” situation?

That’s an interesting idea, thank you. I think something blunt like “how about an open marriage” would be too scary and get rejected - that’s actually one talk we have never had. But maybe easing into it. I would (clearly) be OK with a DADT, although as another recent thread notes, you run the risk of one of the 4+ participants getting too emotionally involved.

Sorry and to your first question - he’d be terribly sad and hurt, hence why I’m trying to think through all the angles.

Yes I think aside from the morality of it, the cost/benefit has to be weighed.
Worst case scenario: he finds out and it blows up the marriage.
And all your friends and relatives know that you ended a 25-year marriage to have sex with some guy in a work trip.
If it’s worth taking that chance then do it.

You could be fortunate and the guy you pick is discreet and it’s fun and it even feels exciting bc of the naughty and secretive nature of the whole thing gives you a rush…and then he goes away quietly and your DH never knows!

Or maybe you get a Stage 5 clinger who calls your cell or stalks your home and threatens to tell your DH….
Or he winds up finding out somehow…

Really think through all the possibilities. Only you can decide if the potential payoff is worth the risk.

Or maybe that guy's wife finds out and shows up at your house one day...when your kids and husband are home.

The DCUM First Wives Club has found this thread, clearly.

OP, don’t listen to 99% of the posters on this thread. There are PLENTY of people who have sex w someone who isnt their spouse and a) dont fall in love b) their spouse never finds out c) their kids never find out c) nobody goes crazy on anybody. It just doesn’t make for good Lifetime movies or good gossip while waiting for the kids to finish catechism class.

That the First Wives Club doesnt seem to realize is that life is long, marriage is hard, and it is all confusing. These black and white positions they have taken (cheating bad, must be sad and lonely like me) dont really work for many, given that life doesnt throw only black and white, cut and dried situations at us.

Sleeping with someone who lives elsewhere and has no ties to your family seems like a very safe way to get your needs met. Think through how your spouse could find out, and just dont do those things. Such as using your regular texting app, stepping away from a family dinner to text him, letting your kids use your phone if your communication tool w him isnt pwd protected, etc.

Do what you need to do for yourself and your family. Be safe. Live your life. Dont let the overrectionary miserable DCUMiens make decisions for you.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hi OP.

If you went through with this, how would DH react if he found out?

Is there a way you could train him, or condition him, to be more open to you doing this, without outright saying it? Maybe, over time, you could make him see it more your way, and at least be open to a “don’t ask don’t tell” situation?

That’s an interesting idea, thank you. I think something blunt like “how about an open marriage” would be too scary and get rejected - that’s actually one talk we have never had. But maybe easing into it. I would (clearly) be OK with a DADT, although as another recent thread notes, you run the risk of one of the 4+ participants getting too emotionally involved.

Sorry and to your first question - he’d be terribly sad and hurt, hence why I’m trying to think through all the angles.

Yes I think aside from the morality of it, the cost/benefit has to be weighed.
Worst case scenario: he finds out and it blows up the marriage.
And all your friends and relatives know that you ended a 25-year marriage to have sex with some guy in a work trip.
If it’s worth taking that chance then do it.

You could be fortunate and the guy you pick is discreet and it’s fun and it even feels exciting bc of the naughty and secretive nature of the whole thing gives you a rush…and then he goes away quietly and your DH never knows!

Or maybe you get a Stage 5 clinger who calls your cell or stalks your home and threatens to tell your DH….
Or he winds up finding out somehow…

Really think through all the possibilities. Only you can decide if the potential payoff is worth the risk.

Anonymous wrote:I mean, can’t you just take care of yourself? Jeez.

It's about feeling desired, not having an O.

- not OP

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Excellent 25-year marriage, great kids, all left the nest. DH has never been super high libido but now just not that into it, drinks a fair bit in the evenings which I think that saps desire as well. Best of husbands in all other respects. I’ve tried hard to keep in shape, pay attention to grooming etc. I do try to initiate but it’s rarely successful. Am moderately, conventionally pretty so do get some asks, especially in Mediterranean countries where guys seem more open about their interest but have never acted on it. Traveling more now on business, and recently met someone at a work dinner (!) who has me incredibly stirred up, I mean - it was super hard for me to turn down the charming and subtle pass, when what I really wanted to say was OMG put your hands on me! Love DH and want to stay in the marriage, but he’s not going to change at this point. Am sorely tempted. Would be a once-or-twice a year deal at most. WWYD?

I would ask God to relieve me of the sex demon determined to ruin my marriage and I'd quit acting like a trashy ho but that's me. You go ahead and let your wandering vagina get you divorced.

Everyone who reads this see you as saying "I'm a miserable person who hates everyone else's happiness".
Your God isn't doing you right. Try a new one.

^^You're afraid he might be unhappy. You're afraid of how that would make you feel. You wouldn't be able to enjoy your marriage or your affair. At the end of the day this is about you maintaining control over your life, not about not controlling your spouse.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Excellent 25-year marriage, great kids, all left the nest. DH has never been super high libido but now just not that into it, drinks a fair bit in the evenings which I think that saps desire as well. Best of husbands in all other respects. I’ve tried hard to keep in shape, pay attention to grooming etc. I do try to initiate but it’s rarely successful. Am moderately, conventionally pretty so do get some asks, especially in Mediterranean countries where guys seem more open about their interest but have never acted on it. Traveling more now on business, and recently met someone at a work dinner (!) who has me incredibly stirred up, I mean - it was super hard for me to turn down the charming and subtle pass, when what I really wanted to say was OMG put your hands on me! Love DH and want to stay in the marriage, but he’s not going to change at this point. Am sorely tempted. Would be a once-or-twice a year deal at most. WWYD?

I would go to a sex therapist first.

The thing is OP, you have two bad options here. One is not having the kind of sex you want and need. The other is hurting your very loving husband and in so doing not holding up your values.

Is there a third option? I think so. Getting someone to mediate the conversation wil help. Getting a therapist to help you clarify your goals. You feel as if you aren’t getting what you need. Maybe the connection to your husband is going though a dry spell?

I love this idea but it’s a non-starter with DH.

No, you don't want to "rock the boat" by being honest with him about how you really feel about the lack of sex in the relationship.

If you were honest with him about how this makes you want to stray, and the only way forward together to resolve it with integrity is counseling, he would have to consider things.

You want everything. You want your marriage to be "good" i.e. continue with the superficially non-conflictual companionship and camaraderie. You also want to take a lover on the side. I think you understand that by wanting this, you are avoiding the fact that you have to choose and both options are bad. Your other option is to level with him and go to counseling to figure this out together. But YOU don't want to put the ultimatum and be honest, because that would mean the end of what you value in your relationship. I.e. a situation that doesn't require much out of you.

Again, in the same way I can’t insist he see a doctor, I can’t insist he join me for counseling or therapy. I have tried! Hard to say which he doesn’t want to do more. But I see your point - you see it as a choice that must be made, work on it or leave.

It's not about controlling him. It's about being transparent with him. Here's what I feel like doing, here's why. That doesn't seem to be fair to you. Here's what I'd like to do instead: discuss what might be a fair resolution with a neutral party. If you don't want to do that, what do you think we should do? Because I'm not happy living like this.

It's precisely about giving up control, OP. You don't want to. Secrets and lies are a way of controlling your spouse.

NP here. I am a woman in a sexless marriage and I have a friend I have sex with every month or two. Its no grand love affair, there’s no desire to use each other as an escape plan, we are just two people who want to get laid and unfortunately our spouses aren’t interested/able.

Go for it. Just make sure you keep your wits about you. Don’t try and twist it in your mind into something it isn’t. Especially if you get along well in and out of the bedroom. Don’t lose sight of why you are doing this: to get laid while maintaining your marriage. Not to replace your marriage.

25-year marriage? So you’re at least in your 50s? Why don’t you just become sexless like almost every other woman your age instead of cheating on your spouse?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, does your conscience prick you at all about potentially blowing up someone else’s family? Doing this your own doesn’t seem to be a deterrent, but the other guy has a wife and kids. Frankly, it sounds like you want the endorphin rush and are rewriting history a bit to justify it. What concrete actions have you taken with respect to your DH yo address your issues - or did this become a bigger issue when you met someone else who turned you on? I don’t see how the “once or twice a year” with the other guy would make your life so much better that it’s worth what you are risking (your marriage, your self-respect, your kids’ respect, your family life, etc.) but do your own risk calculation. Seems like if it’s only once or twice a year it’s really just about the excitement and self-gratification, not really a substitute for a low sex marriage. Be honest with yourself.

So Mr Take-me-now does not have a family in that sense - he’s a bit older, one grown child and a wife living in another country. He could be lying of course but his view is that it’s a civilized arrangement for two people who don’t want to be together but don’t want to divorce for religious reasons. And yes, I think you’re right - it would be excitement and self indulgence once in a while. I don’t want to leave the marriage, not at all. But as I keep telling PPs, I also don’t think it’s possible to change the situation as DH is perfectly content with our life as it is (and yes, I have asked). Some people, I think it’s fair to say, simply are lower sex drive and probably aging can make it lower still.

This bolded sentence calls for a question. If DH truly has no interest in sufficiently frequent sex, and he knows (since you’ve told him) that you do, what makes you feel that he would object to your having a FWB as long as you’re still emotionally and (rarely) physically still his?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Excellent 25-year marriage, great kids, all left the nest. DH has never been super high libido but now just not that into it, drinks a fair bit in the evenings which I think that saps desire as well. Best of husbands in all other respects. I’ve tried hard to keep in shape, pay attention to grooming etc. I do try to initiate but it’s rarely successful. Am moderately, conventionally pretty so do get some asks, especially in Mediterranean countries where guys seem more open about their interest but have never acted on it. Traveling more now on business, and recently met someone at a work dinner (!) who has me incredibly stirred up, I mean - it was super hard for me to turn down the charming and subtle pass, when what I really wanted to say was OMG put your hands on me! Love DH and want to stay in the marriage, but he’s not going to change at this point. Am sorely tempted. Would be a once-or-twice a year deal at most. WWYD?

I have an asexual DH. No sex for 18 years. Therefore, I consider my sex life my business, and definitely not his. YMMV, especially if sex with your DH is rare as opposed to nonexistent.

I'd love for you to do an AMA - did you know he was asexual going into the marriage? Was there ever sex involved? I assume you have a non-emotional sex life, does your DH know?

Anonymous wrote:I mean I don't really understand the issue. You've been married for 25 years, your kids have launched, you have no financial troubles. You are fond of each other but have no interest in sex. Well dear no one person can fulfill every wish you have. You're a prime candidate for a very civilized arrangement where your marriage (social standing, friendship, financial ties, camaraderie etc.) is protected but you have a bit of fun when the itch needs to be scratched. I'm not American so perhaps I see it differently. I would consider it only a mild irritation if my husband had a diversion. I would certainly not hesitate to help myself to something fun if the circumstances were right.

I mean come on. You are well past the point where you can legitimately say, my sex life is my own.

Wow, this is a much more sophisticated argument than those I’ve been having with myself! And devoid of the guilt/fear factors.
Vive l’arrangement civilisé! Thank you - OP

Spread your wings (or legs) and fly!

Anonymous wrote:I mean I don't really understand the issue. You've been married for 25 years, your kids have launched, you have no financial troubles. You are fond of each other but have no interest in sex. Well dear no one person can fulfill every wish you have. You're a prime candidate for a very civilized arrangement where your marriage (social standing, friendship, financial ties, camaraderie etc.) is protected but you have a bit of fun when the itch needs to be scratched. I'm not American so perhaps I see it differently. I would consider it only a mild irritation if my husband had a diversion. I would certainly not hesitate to help myself to something fun if the circumstances were right.

I mean come on. You are well past the point where you can legitimately say, my sex life is my own.

EXACTLY. And in this scenario, I think being discreet and not telling DH is actually the kind thing to do.

Surely her DH cannot expect OP to never have sex again?? That is not reasonable.

You have an obligation to meet the sexual needs of your spouse. If you can’t, you shouldn’t complain when they step out on you.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I think the bigger issue is that you are married to an alcoholic. He may be fairly high functioning at this point, but it is unlikely that he will stay that way.

I think this may be what you are trying to avoid facing, OP.

Maybe so. But it’s another thing I cannot force DH to confront or change. I mean, I could threaten to leave. But my whole issue is that I don’t want to!