Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My dd was ditched by her group tonight. One of the girls who she knows but isn’t close to invited all the other girls to her house after tot. There wasn’t enough room in their cars so the one friend looked at my dd and said “you’re headed home now, right?” Teen girls suck. My dd is so upset she doesn’t want to face these girls at school tomorrow.

What would have been the preferable alternative?

Not pp but -
Go to a place within walking distance.
Ask another parent to drive and split up into two cars.
Trick or treat until 8:30 or 9 then everyone goes to their own home since it's a school night for most kids.
Hosting girl could have just a couple friends over so it's just not one single girl left out. Other girls could make their own plans or just go home without feeling like they are the only ones not invited

All good options. I think parents need to read this, internatize and then teach their kids. If the parents can't come up with ways to not single out one person, the kids aren't going to learn it either.

LOL. The self-centered parents on here fall all over themselves to justify letting them and their kid be a jerk. As long as their kid is on the "in" then screw the kid(s) left out. . . . . it's disgusting.

I have a child the same age as OP, and one thing I've noticed is that my teen's friend group is much more fluid than mine was at that age.

When I was in early HS, I had a "friend group" and could name all 7 of them and we were always together and I would not dream of making a social plan without them.

But my kid has a much more fluid social group, which I think is also kind of a good thing. There are friends from their program, friends from their sport, and neighborhood friends who may or may not attend the same HS.

As a result, I can absolutely see someone getting left out, or feeling left out, because they are from the group that eats lunch together, but the group going to the party is actually the group the group from soccer, which has some overlap with the lunch group.

At any rate, I hope OP's child had a good night anyway, but I would not assume "mean girl" behavior without more information.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe she’s the only non drinker.

I suspect this is a factor for what happened to my friend's daughter. Her 11th grade DD was the only one in her friend group who was left out of a Halloween party. She doesn't drink. It looks like the other girls are starting to party.

The sad thing is that this is how peer pressure starts. It's the ultimatum between party or get kicked out of friend groups. My DD is in 10th and also doesn't drink. She declined some invitations to parties with alcohol and even drugs, and now she just doesn't get invited anymore. She's starting to make some other friends who also don't drink, and I hope they all stay the course. I can see why some of these teens feel like they have to start partying just to have friends.

There are plenty of kids that go to “party” but don’t drink or smoke. And some that feel peer pressure will even fake drink thru the night.

I don’t judge parties because I was a partier in high school. Not the brightest choice but some of my best memories. But I never did drugs and never got plastered. And we always had a DD.

But ppl that don’t even want to attend sometimes get the holier than tho vibe and it’s annoying. Some just don’t go and still hang with those ppl in other circumstances. It really depends.

But having friends to be with on the weekends is key. Some move around friend groups. I left plenty of ppl that were doing lots of drugs or just f’ing anything that walked every weekend.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My dd was ditched by her group tonight. One of the girls who she knows but isn’t close to invited all the other girls to her house after tot. There wasn’t enough room in their cars so the one friend looked at my dd and said “you’re headed home now, right?” Teen girls suck. My dd is so upset she doesn’t want to face these girls at school tomorrow.

What would have been the preferable alternative?

Not pp but -
Go to a place within walking distance.
Ask another parent to drive and split up into two cars.
Trick or treat until 8:30 or 9 then everyone goes to their own home since it's a school night for most kids.
Hosting girl could have just a couple friends over so it's just not one single girl left out. Other girls could make their own plans or just go home without feeling like they are the only ones not invited

All good options. I think parents need to read this, internatize and then teach their kids. If the parents can't come up with ways to not single out one person, the kids aren't going to learn it either.

The parents who have kids who leave others out often model exclusionary behavior themselves.

Yup

Anonymous wrote:Maybe she’s the only non drinker.

I suspect this is a factor for what happened to my friend's daughter. Her 11th grade DD was the only one in her friend group who was left out of a Halloween party. She doesn't drink. It looks like the other girls are starting to party.

The sad thing is that this is how peer pressure starts. It's the ultimatum between party or get kicked out of friend groups. My DD is in 10th and also doesn't drink. She declined some invitations to parties with alcohol and even drugs, and now she just doesn't get invited anymore. She's starting to make some other friends who also don't drink, and I hope they all stay the course. I can see why some of these teens feel like they have to start partying just to have friends.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She should’ve just asked if she could go nobody would care weirdo

Do you know nothing of teen girl relationships?

+1 Don't ask to be included. That just lets the mean girls know you want it. Ugh, sorry for your daughter OP.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My dd was ditched by her group tonight. One of the girls who she knows but isn’t close to invited all the other girls to her house after tot. There wasn’t enough room in their cars so the one friend looked at my dd and said “you’re headed home now, right?” Teen girls suck. My dd is so upset she doesn’t want to face these girls at school tomorrow.

I am sorry this happened to your daughter to her face.

The car size is real though. I often take the number of kids I can fit. I tell my kid(s) how many friends they can bring. I wonder how many times someone may have felt bad simply because of the number of seats I have in my car.

As a parent of a left out kid, I can tell you that I'd often be happy to drive. If I have to drive both ways I'll bring a bookb to stay busy while I wait.

No one is obligated to hang out with anyone but parents should teach kids to look for opportunities to include others, even as tweens and teens. This is especially true if an entire "group" is getting together except for one kid (group meaning like all the kids from the same lunch table, all the same grade or gender in a sport or club or class).

+1 especially the bolded. My 12 year old DD has a friend group of seven girls total. Our rule is that she invites either the entire group or no more than two others, i.e., no inviting all but one girl, no inviting more than half of the group and leaving three out. I know that not all the girls in the group stick to that, but it's what we do.

Also not allowed: a smaller subset of the group getting a special add-on to something, e.g., inviting the whole group for a birthday party and only a few select ones to sleepover. F no.

I have boys and I don’t do sleepovers but I have heard from many moms over the years about having some sort of regular party and a few select girls can sleep over. Host mom and probably birthday girl doesn’t want to host 10+ girls all night but 3-5 girls would be ok.

In all these friend groups, do these girls all think they are equally close? I find my boys have 1-2 close/best friends and then there are newer friends or just not as close friends. Not all friendships are equal. For my entire life, I have always had 1 or 2 BFF type friends and then was part of larger friend groups. Maybe I wasn’t included and or excluded so I didn’t feel bad much in my teen years.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My dd was ditched by her group tonight. One of the girls who she knows but isn’t close to invited all the other girls to her house after tot. There wasn’t enough room in their cars so the one friend looked at my dd and said “you’re headed home now, right?” Teen girls suck. My dd is so upset she doesn’t want to face these girls at school tomorrow.

What would have been the preferable alternative?

Not pp but -
Go to a place within walking distance.
Ask another parent to drive and split up into two cars.
Trick or treat until 8:30 or 9 then everyone goes to their own home since it's a school night for most kids.
Hosting girl could have just a couple friends over so it's just not one single girl left out. Other girls could make their own plans or just go home without feeling like they are the only ones not invited

All good options. I think parents need to read this, internatize and then teach their kids. If the parents can't come up with ways to not single out one person, the kids aren't going to learn it either.

The parents who have kids who leave others out often model exclusionary behavior themselves.

I thought of two separate kids in our neighborhood who were purposely left out when I read this thread yesterday. Both kids perceived as weird and not cool.

Once kids turn 10, there is no more everyone is included. Friendships are fluid.

I wonder if these kids who are left out actually host or plan outings. We are the hang out house and we always host. I feel like I plan and do the inviting significantly more than others.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My dd was ditched by her group tonight. One of the girls who she knows but isn’t close to invited all the other girls to her house after tot. There wasn’t enough room in their cars so the one friend looked at my dd and said “you’re headed home now, right?” Teen girls suck. My dd is so upset she doesn’t want to face these girls at school tomorrow.

What would have been the preferable alternative?

Not pp but -
Go to a place within walking distance.
Ask another parent to drive and split up into two cars.
Trick or treat until 8:30 or 9 then everyone goes to their own home since it's a school night for most kids.
Hosting girl could have just a couple friends over so it's just not one single girl left out. Other girls could make their own plans or just go home without feeling like they are the only ones not invited

All good options. I think parents need to read this, internatize and then teach their kids. If the parents can't come up with ways to not single out one person, the kids aren't going to learn it either.

I posted above about the seats in my car often dictating number of kids. I actually have 3 kids - two very social in several friend groups and one introvert. In every single friend group, there are usually 2-3 close friends within the group and they are in a larger group. I personally don’t like too many kids at once. I rarely have 7 kids at my house at once and definitely not in the car since I can’t fit them anyway.

While I don’t like to have everyone over at once, I do encourage my kids to have multiple friend groups and make plans with different friends. I probably had 20 people at my house on Halloween. One of my kids went to another friend’s house where they also probably had 15 kids.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My dd was ditched by her group tonight. One of the girls who she knows but isn’t close to invited all the other girls to her house after tot. There wasn’t enough room in their cars so the one friend looked at my dd and said “you’re headed home now, right?” Teen girls suck. My dd is so upset she doesn’t want to face these girls at school tomorrow.

What would have been the preferable alternative?

Not pp but -
Go to a place within walking distance.
Ask another parent to drive and split up into two cars.
Trick or treat until 8:30 or 9 then everyone goes to their own home since it's a school night for most kids.
Hosting girl could have just a couple friends over so it's just not one single girl left out. Other girls could make their own plans or just go home without feeling like they are the only ones not invited

All good options. I think parents need to read this, internatize and then teach their kids. If the parents can't come up with ways to not single out one person, the kids aren't going to learn it either.

The parents who have kids who leave others out often model exclusionary behavior themselves.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My dd was ditched by her group tonight. One of the girls who she knows but isn’t close to invited all the other girls to her house after tot. There wasn’t enough room in their cars so the one friend looked at my dd and said “you’re headed home now, right?” Teen girls suck. My dd is so upset she doesn’t want to face these girls at school tomorrow.

What would have been the preferable alternative?

Not pp but -
Go to a place within walking distance.
Ask another parent to drive and split up into two cars.
Trick or treat until 8:30 or 9 then everyone goes to their own home since it's a school night for most kids.
Hosting girl could have just a couple friends over so it's just not one single girl left out. Other girls could make their own plans or just go home without feeling like they are the only ones not invited

All good options. I think parents need to read this, internatize and then teach their kids. If the parents can't come up with ways to not single out one person, the kids aren't going to learn it either.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My dd was ditched by her group tonight. One of the girls who she knows but isn’t close to invited all the other girls to her house after tot. There wasn’t enough room in their cars so the one friend looked at my dd and said “you’re headed home now, right?” Teen girls suck. My dd is so upset she doesn’t want to face these girls at school tomorrow.

I am sorry this happened to your daughter to her face.

The car size is real though. I often take the number of kids I can fit. I tell my kid(s) how many friends they can bring. I wonder how many times someone may have felt bad simply because of the number of seats I have in my car.

As a parent of a left out kid, I can tell you that I'd often be happy to drive. If I have to drive both ways I'll bring a bookb to stay busy while I wait.

No one is obligated to hang out with anyone but parents should teach kids to look for opportunities to include others, even as tweens and teens. This is especially true if an entire "group" is getting together except for one kid (group meaning like all the kids from the same lunch table, all the same grade or gender in a sport or club or class).

+1 especially the bolded. My 12 year old DD has a friend group of seven girls total. Our rule is that she invites either the entire group or no more than two others, i.e., no inviting all but one girl, no inviting more than half of the group and leaving three out. I know that not all the girls in the group stick to that, but it's what we do.

Also not allowed: a smaller subset of the group getting a special add-on to something, e.g., inviting the whole group for a birthday party and only a few select ones to sleepover. F no.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My dd was ditched by her group tonight. One of the girls who she knows but isn’t close to invited all the other girls to her house after tot. There wasn’t enough room in their cars so the one friend looked at my dd and said “you’re headed home now, right?” Teen girls suck. My dd is so upset she doesn’t want to face these girls at school tomorrow.

What would have been the preferable alternative?

Not pp but -
Go to a place within walking distance.
Ask another parent to drive and split up into two cars.
Trick or treat until 8:30 or 9 then everyone goes to their own home since it's a school night for most kids.
Hosting girl could have just a couple friends over so it's just not one single girl left out. Other girls could make their own plans or just go home without feeling like they are the only ones not invited

Anonymous wrote:My dd was ditched by her group tonight. One of the girls who she knows but isn’t close to invited all the other girls to her house after tot. There wasn’t enough room in their cars so the one friend looked at my dd and said “you’re headed home now, right?” Teen girls suck. My dd is so upset she doesn’t want to face these girls at school tomorrow.

What would have been the preferable alternative?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My dd was ditched by her group tonight. One of the girls who she knows but isn’t close to invited all the other girls to her house after tot. There wasn’t enough room in their cars so the one friend looked at my dd and said “you’re headed home now, right?” Teen girls suck. My dd is so upset she doesn’t want to face these girls at school tomorrow.

I am sorry this happened to your daughter to her face.

The car size is real though. I often take the number of kids I can fit. I tell my kid(s) how many friends they can bring. I wonder how many times someone may have felt bad simply because of the number of seats I have in my car.

As a parent of a left out kid, I can tell you that I'd often be happy to drive. If I have to drive both ways I'll bring a bookb to stay busy while I wait.

No one is obligated to hang out with anyone but parents should teach kids to look for opportunities to include others, even as tweens and teens. This is especially true if an entire "group" is getting together except for one kid (group meaning like all the kids from the same lunch table, all the same grade or gender in a sport or club or class).