Anonymous wrote:I make $250, DH makes barely $100.

I have a long commute, he doesn’t.

I have a far more stressful job.

It bothers me.

Anonymous wrote:I was always the SAHM or low earner in my marriage.

Now I am divorced and my boyfriend is the low earner. I make about 100k and he makes like 40k in a job he loves that’s good for humanity. I get anxious about this because I’m not used to it. We are in our 40s.

Anonymous wrote:I make 500-600k more.

It bothers both of us to a degree, but it’s not for his lack of trying to earn more.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:[mastodon]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DW makes more despite my many efforts to escape my GS15 job nothing pays better for my role.

I do a lot around the house but I know she wishes she could quit, but she doesn’t want to shift to a GS15 lifestyle.

The worst is I’m a very involved parent, but after trying to be the “play date” dad and “room parent “ dad, realize it has to be the mom, because it’s 99% of the time the moms and being the dad makes it hard for our kids.

I’d commiserate that taking the lead on some of the social aspects of parenting can be harder as a dad but being the default parent is a lot more than setting up playdates or volunteering in the classroom. When you say you handle a lot of the stuff around the house does that just entail standard day to day chores or are you being proactive in taking on other aspects of being the default parent without being asked to do so)

(Ie are you regularly going through your kids closets to weed out too small/worn out/weather inappropriate clothes and buying replacements? Are you personally tracking when medical/dental appointments need to be scheduled and doing so?) Are you researching summer camps/childcare/extracurricular activities and tracking sign up procedures and deadlines and filling out related paperwork? Are you regularly monitoring the kids’ school assignments and handling classroom asks to bring in materials/baked goods or dress up for themed events)?

I think most wives would be thrilled to have a husband actually taking the lead in many/most of these areas while bringing in a GS-15 salary. (Even though it tends to just be the default expectation for a similarly positioned woman whose husband out earns her).

PP who makes 3X what my DH does here, and this is what I mean by being the default parent. It's about carrying the mental load.

I do not know any fathers who handle these things. I'm sure they exist, but I've never encountered even one.

My DH does all this - he's the lower earner making about $120 full-time WFH. I'm not a high earner (GS-15) but my job is stressful and I work long hours. DH does all the kid stuff (doctor appointments, sports) and most of the household stuff (laundry, dishes). I try to cook and do some chores on the weekends but I am exhausted.

FFS. If you’re a GS-15 you are absolutely a high earner. Get some GD perspective, please.

No it's not high earning according to most on this board.

Anonymous wrote:[mastodon]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DW makes more despite my many efforts to escape my GS15 job nothing pays better for my role.

I do a lot around the house but I know she wishes she could quit, but she doesn’t want to shift to a GS15 lifestyle.

The worst is I’m a very involved parent, but after trying to be the “play date” dad and “room parent “ dad, realize it has to be the mom, because it’s 99% of the time the moms and being the dad makes it hard for our kids.

I’d commiserate that taking the lead on some of the social aspects of parenting can be harder as a dad but being the default parent is a lot more than setting up playdates or volunteering in the classroom. When you say you handle a lot of the stuff around the house does that just entail standard day to day chores or are you being proactive in taking on other aspects of being the default parent without being asked to do so)

(Ie are you regularly going through your kids closets to weed out too small/worn out/weather inappropriate clothes and buying replacements? Are you personally tracking when medical/dental appointments need to be scheduled and doing so?) Are you researching summer camps/childcare/extracurricular activities and tracking sign up procedures and deadlines and filling out related paperwork? Are you regularly monitoring the kids’ school assignments and handling classroom asks to bring in materials/baked goods or dress up for themed events)?

I think most wives would be thrilled to have a husband actually taking the lead in many/most of these areas while bringing in a GS-15 salary. (Even though it tends to just be the default expectation for a similarly positioned woman whose husband out earns her).

PP who makes 3X what my DH does here, and this is what I mean by being the default parent. It's about carrying the mental load.

I do not know any fathers who handle these things. I'm sure they exist, but I've never encountered even one.

My DH does all this - he's the lower earner making about $120 full-time WFH. I'm not a high earner (GS-15) but my job is stressful and I work long hours. DH does all the kid stuff (doctor appointments, sports) and most of the household stuff (laundry, dishes). I try to cook and do some chores on the weekends but I am exhausted.

FFS. If you’re a GS-15 you are absolutely a high earner. Get some GD perspective, please.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DW makes more despite my many efforts to escape my GS15 job nothing pays better for my role.

I do a lot around the house but I know she wishes she could quit, but she doesn’t want to shift to a GS15 lifestyle.

The worst is I’m a very involved parent, but after trying to be the “play date” dad and “room parent “ dad, realize it has to be the mom, because it’s 99% of the time the moms and being the dad makes it hard for our kids.

I’d commiserate that taking the lead on some of the social aspects of parenting can be harder as a dad but being the default parent is a lot more than setting up playdates or volunteering in the classroom. When you say you handle a lot of the stuff around the house does that just entail standard day to day chores or are you being proactive in taking on other aspects of being the default parent without being asked to do so)

(Ie are you regularly going through your kids closets to weed out too small/worn out/weather inappropriate clothes and buying replacements? Are you personally tracking when medical/dental appointments need to be scheduled and doing so?) Are you researching summer camps/childcare/extracurricular activities and tracking sign up procedures and deadlines and filling out related paperwork? Are you regularly monitoring the kids’ school assignments and handling classroom asks to bring in materials/baked goods or dress up for themed events)?

I think most wives would be thrilled to have a husband actually taking the lead in many/most of these areas while bringing in a GS-15 salary. (Even though it tends to just be the default expectation for a similarly positioned woman whose husband out earns her).

PP who makes 3X what my DH does here, and this is what I mean by being the default parent. It's about carrying the mental load.

I do not know any fathers who handle these things. I'm sure they exist, but I've never encountered even one.

My DH does all this - he's the lower earner making about $120 full-time WFH. I'm not a high earner (GS-15) but my job is stressful and I work long hours. DH does all the kid stuff (doctor appointments, sports) and most of the household stuff (laundry, dishes). I try to cook and do some chores on the weekends but I am exhausted.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DW makes more despite my many efforts to escape my GS15 job nothing pays better for my role.

I do a lot around the house but I know she wishes she could quit, but she doesn’t want to shift to a GS15 lifestyle.

The worst is I’m a very involved parent, but after trying to be the “play date” dad and “room parent “ dad, realize it has to be the mom, because it’s 99% of the time the moms and being the dad makes it hard for our kids.

I’d commiserate that taking the lead on some of the social aspects of parenting can be harder as a dad but being the default parent is a lot more than setting up playdates or volunteering in the classroom. When you say you handle a lot of the stuff around the house does that just entail standard day to day chores or are you being proactive in taking on other aspects of being the default parent without being asked to do so)

(Ie are you regularly going through your kids closets to weed out too small/worn out/weather inappropriate clothes and buying replacements? Are you personally tracking when medical/dental appointments need to be scheduled and doing so?) Are you researching summer camps/childcare/extracurricular activities and tracking sign up procedures and deadlines and filling out related paperwork? Are you regularly monitoring the kids’ school assignments and handling classroom asks to bring in materials/baked goods or dress up for themed events)?

I think most wives would be thrilled to have a husband actually taking the lead in many/most of these areas while bringing in a GS-15 salary. (Even though it tends to just be the default expectation for a similarly positioned woman whose husband out earns her).

PP who makes 3X what my DH does here, and this is what I mean by being the default parent. It's about carrying the mental load.

I do not know any fathers who handle these things. I'm sure they exist, but I've never encountered even one.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wish my wife could raise her hand on this. I'm not sure why so many posts say "we're not bothered". I'd be elated...

?

Your post doesn’t make sense- more details needed.

I'm not sure what's confusing? This post answers better than I could.

"I make more than DH. He actually loves it and is very proud of me and he doesn't care. It increases our HHI and he doesn't care where the $ comes from, me or him. It doesn't make him feel less manly."

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wish my wife could raise her hand on this. I'm not sure why so many posts say "we're not bothered". I'd be elated...

I was thinking the same thing! I make about 5-7 times what my wife does, depending on bonus. I'd be thrilled if that was just 2 times what she makes. 50-50 would be a dream - we'd be retiring in 2 years!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve always out earned DH, sometimes by like 4x; right now by about 2x. That fact alone doesn’t bother me - it’s the mental load that bothers me. I am sometimes resentful because if I were a male earning what I earn, I could easily expect to have a wife that handled all the household and child-related tasks that I take on. DH is great, and does more than many, but he is not a wife.

Every bit of this is also true for me. The only thing I would add is that I feel quite shunned by most other women -- including, sadly, my own mom and my MIL. No one has ever actually told me why but based on what I glean from a variety of comments, I think it is for some that they think I have it easy and have an unfair advantage in the workplace, and for some that I am selfish and chose my own career at a cost to my children and my husband (the truth is: he chose and I picked up the pieces). I have a handful of mom friends who don't shun me but for the most part, it is a lonely existence.

Having an intense career and kids and handling most of the household work is a lonely existence? It describes 90 percent of the moms I know in DC, including myself. I’d say it’s exhausting and can be stressful but there’s also comradeship that comes from everyone being in basically the same boat.

I’m not complaining, though, because I know my DH handles more than most dads. We have very similar jobs and hours, so it’s painfully obvious whenever the home imbalance tips too far in my direction.

It’s LONELY compared to the mom who gets to have coffee and yoga classes every day with her SAHM squad
Once the kids are school age, it’s a life of leisure.

That’s a lie. My wife is very busy all day.

Busy with what all day? What do SAH parents do when the kids are in school from 8-3 that working parents don’t manage to complete during evenings and weekends?