Anonymous
Post 10/09/2023 13:42     Subject: Re:DIL never participates, never joins in
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:To play Devil's (MIL's, j/k) advocate: DIL could have been more tactful, e.g., "Oh, thank you so much for thinking of me, but I had a glass of wine already. I don't want to risk a hangover, but thank you again. I'll have your famous apple pie instead."


This is a really elaborate script to protect MIL's feelings. Since MIL is hurting her own feelings for no reason, I think this is over-the-top.

Flip it: "Oh, DIL, I am so very sorry for not noticing that you were drinking wine tonight instead of mixed drinks. I cannot believe I would offer you a drink that would exacerbate a hangover and lead to a bad morning for you. I will be sure to get up early to make a big breakfast to take the edge off as penance!"

These are idiotic scripts where one side has to assume the other is insane and possibly armed. In the real world "do you want a margarita?" "No thanks, I've already had a red wine" is a perfectly acceptable, polite interaction. No one is in the wrong until one person decides to take offense for no reason.


It's not a script. We all do social lubrication, even with our family members.


You're overlubricating. No thanks is social lubrication. Giving an explanation to soften the no ("I've already started on wine") is social lubrication. You're playing some kind of preemptive defense against unwarranted attack, which is way above and beyond unless your family members are insane, drunk, and armed to the teeth.
Anonymous
Post 10/09/2023 13:42     Subject: Re:DIL never participates, never joins in
OP, I would ask DD about it.


Gossip.
"Can we talk about why ____ acts this way. Why do you think it is? ...."
Anonymous
Post 10/09/2023 13:27     Subject: Re:DIL never participates, never joins in
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:To play Devil's (MIL's, j/k) advocate: DIL could have been more tactful, e.g., "Oh, thank you so much for thinking of me, but I had a glass of wine already. I don't want to risk a hangover, but thank you again. I'll have your famous apple pie instead."


This is a really elaborate script to protect MIL's feelings. Since MIL is hurting her own feelings for no reason, I think this is over-the-top.

Flip it: "Oh, DIL, I am so very sorry for not noticing that you were drinking wine tonight instead of mixed drinks. I cannot believe I would offer you a drink that would exacerbate a hangover and lead to a bad morning for you. I will be sure to get up early to make a big breakfast to take the edge off as penance!"

These are idiotic scripts where one side has to assume the other is insane and possibly armed. In the real world "do you want a margarita?" "No thanks, I've already had a red wine" is a perfectly acceptable, polite interaction. No one is in the wrong until one person decides to take offense for no reason.


It's not a script. We all do social lubrication, even with our family members.
Anonymous
Post 10/09/2023 13:26     Subject: DIL never participates, never joins in
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Team OP here (and no, I am nit a Boomer),
It does not take much to be polite. It sounds like OP is trying. DIL can grow up and do the same.

OP, I would ask DD about it. Yes, I know I many will say I should ask DS (spouse) first, but I would self check myself to see if I’m reading too much into things first.

Hope it gets better. DH and I have a good relationship with our respective ILs and it will really bother me if we don’t have the same in the future.



In what universe is saying “No, thank you; I already had a glass of red wine” not polite? She politely declined and gave a perfectly good reason. (Not that she owed anyone a reason.)


Ehhhh it does sound a little judgy. Like the implication is that anyone else having more than one drink shouldn't be.

The thing about her going to drinks with her mom but not with OP - I can see why OP would crave this sort of thing, but also why OP would be different with her own mom than with her MIL! I would HATE to think that my MIL wants me to treat her like she's my own mother - I have my own mother. And she might not want to do the gendered thing (girls out for drinks, men home to watch sports!) with her husband's family, even if she does it with her own.

It really does feel like a conversation could help things - or could not. But OP, I think it's really good that you want to develop a closer relationship with your DIL. I hope it will be possible to do so.
Anonymous
Post 10/09/2023 13:23     Subject: Re:DIL never participates, never joins in
Anonymous wrote:To play Devil's (MIL's, j/k) advocate: DIL could have been more tactful, e.g., "Oh, thank you so much for thinking of me, but I had a glass of wine already. I don't want to risk a hangover, but thank you again. I'll have your famous apple pie instead."


This is a really elaborate script to protect MIL's feelings. Since MIL is hurting her own feelings for no reason, I think this is over-the-top.

Flip it: "Oh, DIL, I am so very sorry for not noticing that you were drinking wine tonight instead of mixed drinks. I cannot believe I would offer you a drink that would exacerbate a hangover and lead to a bad morning for you. I will be sure to get up early to make a big breakfast to take the edge off as penance!"

These are idiotic scripts where one side has to assume the other is insane and possibly armed. In the real world "do you want a margarita?" "No thanks, I've already had a red wine" is a perfectly acceptable, polite interaction. No one is in the wrong until one person decides to take offense for no reason.
Anonymous
Post 10/09/2023 13:16     Subject: Re:DIL never participates, never joins in
To play Devil's (MIL's, j/k) advocate: DIL could have been more tactful, e.g., "Oh, thank you so much for thinking of me, but I had a glass of wine already. I don't want to risk a hangover, but thank you again. I'll have your famous apple pie instead."
Anonymous
Post 10/09/2023 13:11     Subject: DIL never participates, never joins in
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Team OP here (and no, I am nit a Boomer),
It does not take much to be polite. It sounds like OP is trying. DIL can grow up and do the same.

OP, I would ask DD about it. Yes, I know I many will say I should ask DS (spouse) first, but I would self check myself to see if I’m reading too much into things first.

Hope it gets better. DH and I have a good relationship with our respective ILs and it will really bother me if we don’t have the same in the future.



In what universe is saying “No, thank you; I already had a glass of red wine” not polite? She politely declined and gave a perfectly good reason. (Not that she owed anyone a reason.)

+1 what is she supposed to say to the DIL? "I noticed you won't drink the margarita even though I know you like it. I'm sure you'd drink it if your mother made it". wtf. Don't say that. You would sound petty and ridiculous.

Maybe in general she doesn't join you because you've consciously or subconsciously made her feel bad or inferior to you.

I know my SIL is not engaged with us, and that's fine with us because she's a whackadoodle.
Anonymous
Post 10/09/2023 13:07     Subject: DIL never participates, never joins in
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP here. I am taking in the feedback. I know this is a trivial example. It’s just always no thank you, no thanks, and she barely talks to DH and me but is effusive with aunts, uncles, cousins.

When her parents visit, she goes out for margaritas with her mom and her visiting female relatives and her friends. She’s never once invited me or my daughter out.

She’s warm to others, cool to us.

So she's closer to her family of origin than to you? And she's polite if withdrawn? And she's friendly to others in your family? Seems like there's a backstory here.

dp... yep, there usually is.

I'm cool but polite towards my MIL, now. I wasn't this way earlier in my marriage. But, over time, she's been nasty to me for no reason. Even DH noticed. So, I just pulled back. IMO, it started once DS was born. Last time MIL visited, I rarely spoke to her. I did say something general to her, and she bit my head off, in front of friends we had over.

So, MIL, I'll be polite, but not engage with you. I do engage my sibling in laws, their kids, and spouses, though.
Anonymous
Post 10/09/2023 13:05     Subject: DIL never participates, never joins in
Anonymous wrote:Team OP here (and no, I am nit a Boomer),
It does not take much to be polite. It sounds like OP is trying. DIL can grow up and do the same.

OP, I would ask DD about it. Yes, I know I many will say I should ask DS (spouse) first, but I would self check myself to see if I’m reading too much into things first.

Hope it gets better. DH and I have a good relationship with our respective ILs and it will really bother me if we don’t have the same in the future.



In what universe is saying “No, thank you; I already had a glass of red wine” not polite? She politely declined and gave a perfectly good reason. (Not that she owed anyone a reason.)
Anonymous
Post 10/09/2023 13:00     Subject: DIL never participates, never joins in
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:We’re at the beach with several families this weekend. It is well-known that DIL likes margaritas. We made a batch and she refused one, saying “I’ve already had a glass of red wine.”

I’m sure she would participate with her family. All we get is tight-lipped tolerance. I’m tired of constant rejection.


You:
test-"It is well-known that DIL likes margaritas. We made a batch"
watch-"and she refused one, saying “I’ve already had a glass of red wine.”
judge-"I’m sure she would participate with her family. All we get is tight-lipped tolerance"
her
you play games and are insincere

Not surprised she is not effusive with you. You are not a nice person.


+1

DIL feels watched and judged, because well, OP is watching and judging.

OP, you are "sure" she would participate with her family? Really?
Anonymous
Post 10/09/2023 12:42     Subject: DIL never participates, never joins in
Team OP here (and no, I am nit a Boomer),
It does not take much to be polite. It sounds like OP is trying. DIL can grow up and do the same.

OP, I would ask DD about it. Yes, I know I many will say I should ask DS (spouse) first, but I would self check myself to see if I’m reading too much into things first.

Hope it gets better. DH and I have a good relationship with our respective ILs and it will really bother me if we don’t have the same in the future.

Anonymous
Post 10/09/2023 12:35     Subject: DIL never participates, never joins in
Anonymous wrote:We’re at the beach with several families this weekend. It is well-known that DIL likes margaritas. We made a batch and she refused one, saying “I’ve already had a glass of red wine.”

I’m sure she would participate with her family. All we get is tight-lipped tolerance. I’m tired of constant rejection.


You:
test-"It is well-known that DIL likes margaritas. We made a batch"
watch-"and she refused one, saying “I’ve already had a glass of red wine.”
judge-"I’m sure she would participate with her family. All we get is tight-lipped tolerance"
her
you play games and are insincere

Not surprised she is not effusive with you. You are not a nice person.
Anonymous
Post 10/09/2023 12:31     Subject: DIL never participates, never joins in
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I've never been able to drink hard liquor or cocktails after wine or beer. Before? Yes. After? No.

Margaritas should have been served first, for most people, followed by beer or wine.


Beer before liquor never been sicker
Liquor before beer you’re in the clear


Thanks, I was trying to remember that!
Anonymous
Post 10/08/2023 23:29     Subject: DIL never participates, never joins in
Anonymous wrote:OP here. I really am taking in all the feedback. The rest of us must have iron stomachs, because it was a big party kind of night and most adults who already had a beer, wine or Scotch drank the margaritas as well. Buy it seems like that would bother a lot of people so I guess I’ll just take this at face value.

I see how this was a bad example but it seriously is always no, no thanks, “I’m good.” “I’m good” all the time is irksome when my husband is simply offering to carry her suitcase or I am offering to help with dinner.

But I appreciate the feedback and I am taking it in.

She sounds fine. She's politely turning down a request for assistance she doesn't want. The fact that this offends you might be related to why she isn't all warm and fuzzy.
Anonymous
Post 10/08/2023 23:20     Subject: DIL never participates, never joins in
Anonymous wrote:I've never been able to drink hard liquor or cocktails after wine or beer. Before? Yes. After? No.

Margaritas should have been served first, for most people, followed by beer or wine.


Beer before liquor never been sicker
Liquor before beer you’re in the clear