Anonymous
09/30/2023 07:45
Subject: Re:If your DIL…
What do you mean by “skipping”? If she’s earned leave, she should be able to take it for whatever reason she wants. I don’t get into the “why’s” of the leave unless someone volunteers the reason (eg funeral), in which case, I might step in and suggest bereavement leave that preserves their vacation.
Anonymous
09/30/2023 07:24
Subject: If your DIL…
OP is definitely TA. It’s not for you to rationalize her reason based on something you would or would not do. Wow.
Anonymous
09/29/2023 18:46
Subject: Re:If your DIL…
Anonymous wrote:OP - thanks everyone. To clarify, I’m the manager and the situation involves an employee who is skipping work offsite for birth of grandchild (who may or may not be born by the time the offsite is over). I realize, I’m probably being an A$$. But I wouldn’t take off work for my daughter in law. I’d do it for my own daughter.
Oh in that case it's none of your business. This person can take time off for whatever reason they want.
Anonymous
09/29/2023 18:12
Subject: Re:If your DIL…
Anonymous wrote:My cousins wife had a very uneventful pregnancy up until the end. Just as she was approaching her due date, she suddenly developed preeclampsia. She was fit and healthy and not AMA. She was a former college athlete and ran marathons. Anyway, things turned very grave overnight. She almost died, and the medical interventions that had to be used to save her life took a real toll on the baby. As soon as he was born, he was rushed from that hospital to a nearby children’s hospital, where they had to sedate him and take measures to prevent brain damage. In an instant, my cousin had to choose whose side to be at, his wife’s, because the doctors weren’t sure at that point that they could save her or his baby’s, because the doctors were also very concerned about his condition. He couldn’t be two places at once.
No one expects anything like that to happen to your team member’s DIL, but I say all this to point out the even for a pregnancy that isn’t high risk, the birth is the riskiest part of the pregnancy and things can turn on a dime. It’s not crazy that this woman doesn’t want to risk being further away in the event that the birth doesn’t go smoothly.
Something similar happened to my brother and SIL. The delivery became complicated and life-threatening for both mom and baby and SIL needed an emergency C-section and baby was rushed to the NICU on a ventilator. SIL's parents were at the hospital and they had all discussed "what if" scenarios ahead of time so my brother was able to immediately go with the baby to the NICU and his in-laws stayed with his wife. Patients who have family members/friends there to advocate for them and monitor and keep track of things do better. SIL and my niece both fully recovered. This is very much a personal decision for each family with lots of very good reasons behind it and boss should stay out of it. Not your place to effectively make this decision for another family, OP.
Anonymous
09/29/2023 15:08
Subject: If your DIL…
Anonymous wrote:My Dad did not even take off when I was born. He dropped my Mom off on way to work.
same here!
-38yo
Anonymous
09/29/2023 14:59
Subject: If your DIL…
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:It doesn't matter who is giving birth -- its your grandchild being born.
Tell that to the people who are like "See you in 2 weeks MIL" so this isn't some slam dunk of course she needs to be there situation.
This is a choice between being away at a work event and LITERALLY ANYWHERE ELSE. Maybe the grandmother wants to be with other family members, maybe existing grandkids, maybe at home looking over baby pictures of her son, maybe holding hands with her husband thinking about their life. Maybe she is hoping that the new parents decide to let her visit for an hour. Whatever.
Whatever, she probably just wants to avoid the work trip. It's not like this pregnancy hasn't been known for 9 months and she just now needs the time off.
The OP said the DIL is being induced, so she has not known that date for 9 months.
But you know the due date. This isn't an emergency, that's why it's next week. Employee could have brought it up earlier saying there will likely be a conflict b/c grandchild was due around that time. Springing it last minute is bad form. I'd let the employee take the time but note how this was done.
Anonymous
09/29/2023 14:38
Subject: If your DIL…
Anonymous wrote:If the baby is due in a week and you have not discussed when you will visit - at the hospital? At home after a few days? In a week? Then you probably are not needed at the hospital.
However if you were my MIL and you went to a large off-site meeting the day I was having a baby, you would be waiting a week or two to meet the baby. Everyone I know who has gone to an all-hands or conference type meeting in the last month has gotten Covid.
OP is the boss not the MIL. Your second paragraph is another excellent reason to let the employee take off.
Anonymous
09/29/2023 14:38
Subject: Re:If your DIL…
Anonymous wrote:OP - thanks everyone. To clarify, I’m the manager and the situation involves an employee who is skipping work offsite for birth of grandchild (who may or may not be born by the time the offsite is over). I realize, I’m probably being an A$$. But I wouldn’t take off work for my daughter in law. I’d do it for my own daughter.
I do think you are being an A$$. I'm curious, how old are you?
Anonymous
09/29/2023 14:34
Subject: Re:If your DIL…
Anonymous wrote:OP - thanks everyone. To clarify, I’m the manager and the situation involves an employee who is skipping work offsite for birth of grandchild (who may or may not be born by the time the offsite is over). I realize, I’m probably being an A$$. But I wouldn’t take off work for my daughter in law. I’d do it for my own daughter.
Oh my god you are a HUGE A$$HOLE.
This is an important family moment! My mom (and dad, and me, and my sister in laws parents, and her brother) were all in the waiting room when she gave birth, both times (with her blessing and appreciation!) It was a wonderful experience for everyone, and we all got to see my niece and nephew about an hour after they were born. Amazing.
I can't believe you would consider taking this away from someone. This is the birth of her grandchild!!
To clarify, you're NTA for NOT doing this. Plenty don't, plenty of women do not want this when they give birth. But you really want to STOP her from doing this for some stupid work offsite? Ugh. You sound like a horrible person.
Anonymous
09/29/2023 14:11
Subject: Re:If your DIL…
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:OP - thanks everyone. To clarify, I’m the manager and the situation involves an employee who is skipping work offsite for birth of grandchild (who may or may not be born by the time the offsite is over). I realize, I’m probably being an A$$. But I wouldn’t take off work for my daughter in law. I’d do it for my own daughter.
so, basically none of your business and you also have no way at all of actually knowing if there is anything risky about the pregnancy. your employee doesn't want to be trapped offsite when their grandchild is being born. entirely reasonable.
This. I thought you’re the MIL, but given it’s someone else, you don’t know the full circumstances. May be the DIL is not on good terms with her own mother, or her mother is far away or cannot make it for whatever reason. The employee decided that she needs to stay behind for birth of her grandchild. It’s really not up to you to second guess her decision. Everyone’s priorities and circumstances are different.
Anonymous
09/29/2023 14:07
Subject: If your DIL…
why does she have to give a reason to take leave she has earned? stop being an a$$hat