Anonymous
Post 09/21/2023 22:04     Subject: “First come, first serve” household?
Anonymous wrote:It’s weird; I can’t imagine my parents “saving a plate” from any kind of meal we had. But we weren’t hyenas either because food was always wildly plentiful. We were a faculty of four and the only time we cooked for for four people rather than a generous eight was if we were making something that didn’t keep like omelettes. If you missed the dinner of roast chicken the leftovers were naturally still in the fridge when you got home. If dinner was leftovers or fridge ambush there maybe wouldn’t be the exact same thing everyone else had but there would be plenty of other leftovers or meals available and you’d just choose what you wanted to eat. Treats (like if someone bought a box of donuts) it was understood everyone should get some and no one stole anyone’s Halloween candy but there’s no expectation that it would be perfectly equal. You don’t eat the *last* donut but you might have two before your sister has one if she’s off with her friends. But treats too were plentiful so it didn’t really matter if you got fewer donuts today; maybe you’ll just have a coke instead.

I don’t get the McDonald’s thing; the treat is presumably for being brave at the doctor’s so why would a kid who didn’t have an appointment get to share? I understand (although had never heard of) the cake thing I guess but birthday cake isn’t more special than other cake in my mind — everyone eats what they want and when it runs out we make another cake.

I love this! The first decade or so of marriage I honored DH’s preference to avoid leftovers and just took them to work with me for my lunches. 20 years on as the sole cook, if I’m not feeling inspired or there’s food that will go to waste soon, everyone will be eating an amalgamation from the fridge and owe me thanks if I heat it up.
Anonymous
Post 09/21/2023 22:03     Subject: “First come, first serve” household?
Large family here, we just…buy enough food. Usually I try to buy enough where there will be leftovers. When I make chicken, I buy 4-5 pounds of chicken thighs and drumsticks and cook it all. Whatever is left over can be used in lunches or mixed with rice and veggies for another meal. But if folks (my teenagers) are especially hungry that’s fine too and they can eat as many pieces as they like. If we go out for breakfast treats, I would buy 2 dozen donuts so there were enough for everyone to get as many donuts as they wanted. If we ran out before everyone got some, I would buy more next time. You can get good deals at Dunkin on certain days with the points. I’d rather throw out one stale, weird, gross donut after a day or two.

A little bit of planning and strategic shopping and you can have food in abundance at meal times so no one is fighting over it.
Anonymous
Post 09/21/2023 21:49     Subject: “First come, first serve” household?
It’s weird; I can’t imagine my parents “saving a plate” from any kind of meal we had. But we weren’t hyenas either because food was always wildly plentiful. We were a faculty of four and the only time we cooked for for four people rather than a generous eight was if we were making something that didn’t keep like omelettes. If you missed the dinner of roast chicken the leftovers were naturally still in the fridge when you got home. If dinner was leftovers or fridge ambush there maybe wouldn’t be the exact same thing everyone else had but there would be plenty of other leftovers or meals available and you’d just choose what you wanted to eat. Treats (like if someone bought a box of donuts) it was understood everyone should get some and no one stole anyone’s Halloween candy but there’s no expectation that it would be perfectly equal. You don’t eat the *last* donut but you might have two before your sister has one if she’s off with her friends. But treats too were plentiful so it didn’t really matter if you got fewer donuts today; maybe you’ll just have a coke instead.

I don’t get the McDonald’s thing; the treat is presumably for being brave at the doctor’s so why would a kid who didn’t have an appointment get to share? I understand (although had never heard of) the cake thing I guess but birthday cake isn’t more special than other cake in my mind — everyone eats what they want and when it runs out we make another cake.
Anonymous
Post 09/21/2023 21:48     Subject: “First come, first serve” household?
I think this may depend on the age of the kids. My kids are all under 10, so if one is late for a meal (sport/club/lesson), I know when they’re going to be back & save them a plate. I wouldn’t expect my 6 year old to scrounge up food. However if I had an older kid who was at a friend’s and I didn’t know what their plans were, I wouldn’t reserve a dinner that they may not eat.

Similarly, because we don’t want our kids to eat 3 donuts each and want them to get as much sleep as possible, breakfast treats are 100% assigned… but family style healthy lunch where everyone is around the house & could come eat? Free for all.
Anonymous
Post 09/21/2023 21:32     Subject: “First come, first serve” household?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
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Anonymous wrote:Some of this could be solved by making more food for meals so there's plenty for everybody to get their fill at mealtime + leftovers that can be first come/first serve.

In our house, family-style takeout (pizza, Chinese) is fair game. We order plenty of food for whoever is home at mealtime and then any leftovers are first come/first serve. It's not like, there are 4 of us and 16 slices of pizza so each person gets 4 slices to eat now or later. Nope, eat however much you want now, and the rest is fair game.

If there are leftovers of individually-ordered items (like we all go out to dinner and DD brings home half her pasta dish) it belongs to the person who ordered it.


Totally different in my house. If my husband eats 3 slices of pizza and I eat 2, then I have 2 slices coming to me and he has 1. He would never eat my leftover pizza. He knows it will not end well for him.


This mentality is so strange. People eat different amounts. You expect the same exact portion for each person.

I will say, though, that since my DH and I were not raised by wolves, we always ask each other if they wanted more of something before we finish it. when a household gets big it's not always feasible to check with everyone, and it should be considered fair game unless you yourself set aside a porch with your name on it.


People eat different amounts at one time, but given enough time, I can eat the same amount of pizza as my husband. Why should he get more of that cheesy, tomatoey goodness just because he has a bigger stomach? I can have my two leftover slices for lunch, he can have his one leftover slice and a side salad for lunch.


DP with a question: Say it's the day after your pizza dinner and those 3 leftover slices are in the fridge. It's lunchtime and you are out of the house grabbing lunch with a friend. He's home and hungry. Can he eat the leftovers or does he still have to save 2 of them for you?


He would ask me and I would answer depending on what I was feeling like.


See, I think it would be courteous of him to ask (and I'd think the same if you had eaten more of the pizza the first time around as it's always courteous to ask before finishing the last of something), but I can't imagine saying no!


Courteous, maybe. But overkill. Team DH here.


The only thing killed would be my husband if he touches my pizza. And he knows it.


Ok pizza lady, you may think you're being cute, but it's really not.

This level of slice counting would never fly in a family with more than 2 ppl.


My husband thinks I’m cute and that the only opinion that matters.


I think you're cute too, but I haven't seen what all that pizza has done to you.


I’m a tight size 2, thanks for asking!
Anonymous
Post 09/21/2023 21:31     Subject: “First come, first serve” household?
Anonymous wrote:Mom would go to the grocery store Saturday morning and bring back donuts. More than enough for everyone. Whoever was still sleeping was not woken up or saved a donut. Everyone else ate 2 or 3 each until all were gone.


Oh man that would not fly in our house. Or the one I grew up in. Same goes for bacon. Everyone gets some.

Y’all are hyenas.
Anonymous
Post 09/21/2023 21:27     Subject: “First come, first serve” household?
Anonymous wrote:I’d be curious to know how many people participating in this thread have known food insecurity.


I grew up in a household that barely scraped by. We made sure everyone ate. Dad usually worked late. Mom made a plate for him and set it aside. We ate smaller portions to stretch things out to two meals if we could. Having leftovers meant we could get another meal or do a clean the fridge dinner later in the week. They shopped at Basics and Murrays if you’re local….
Anonymous
Post 09/21/2023 21:24     Subject: Re: “First come, first serve” household?
Seems like the idea of “saving a plate” is important you, OP, and not important to your spouse.

Maybe you equate “saving a plate” with a demonstration of love?

Anonymous
Post 09/21/2023 21:23     Subject: Re: “First come, first serve” household?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I don't care how you were raised, I can't imagine gobbling up all of dinner knowing that my teen is going to be hungry when he gets home.


Yeah, I mean, don't you make enough food for 4 (or whatever number of people)? And so if the 3 people at home eat the food for 4, aren't they overeating? That sounds greedy.


I do think this is, at least partly, a family size thing.
I have 4 kids, including 2 teens. If I make enough food for 6 of us, 5 people can eat all of it pretty easily.


I guess I don't understand why you think a 5-person meal is "enough for six." Why not just make enough for 6 people to eat until they're full?


Spoken like someone who does not have teen boys. They don’t get full. They could always eat another chicken breast (though vegetables sometimes get left over). If I want to save a helping I pre-remove it before serving.


Pp here, and it’s this. Tonight I used three pounds of meat and made eight burgers for dinner (with potatoes and salad and fruit). Two burgers for each of the boys, and one for everyone else. Everybody was here, and it was fine. If DH wasn’t there, two or three of the kids would have split the last burger.

Anonymous
Post 09/21/2023 21:22     Subject: “First come, first serve” household?
I’d be curious to know how many people participating in this thread have known food insecurity.
Anonymous
Post 09/21/2023 21:22     Subject: “First come, first serve” household?
Your perceptions are normal. Your husband is behaving like a feral dog. Of course you save food for family.

The birthday cake thing is a quirk. I hope you DID get a piece of your own cake though.

Anonymous
Post 09/21/2023 21:15     Subject: “First come, first serve” household?
I remember we had to retrain friends who came from "first come first served" families in college. They were like wild animals when we ordered take out or a pizza, and had to be convinced we wouldn't eat their share so they wouldn't horde as much as possible.

It's not a good look.
Anonymous
Post 09/21/2023 21:13     Subject: Re: “First come, first serve” household?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I don't care how you were raised, I can't imagine gobbling up all of dinner knowing that my teen is going to be hungry when he gets home.


Yeah, I mean, don't you make enough food for 4 (or whatever number of people)? And so if the 3 people at home eat the food for 4, aren't they overeating? That sounds greedy.


I do think this is, at least partly, a family size thing.
I have 4 kids, including 2 teens. If I make enough food for 6 of us, 5 people can eat all of it pretty easily.


Op again. I think or what I have noticed is, if you have a family of 5, you make enough for a family of 5 and everyone may have two or three servings and all has been eaten. Maybe a small portion for leftovers. If you cook enough for 5 but 3-4 people eat, those eating will eat more than they would in the 5 setting. Then who’s responsibility is it to save for the people not there or in DHs case it becomes fend for themselves as there’s usually another meals leftovers in the fridge or they would eat wherever they are at meal time.


I don’t get this “must save food for people who aren’t there.” Aren’t they eating wherever they are at dinner time? We obviously aren’t talking about helpless tiny kids here. Can’t the absent family member just make themselves something when they get home if they’re hungry?

I don’t get the party thing, either. What kind of parties are we talking about here? Surely you aren’t arriving late to a formal dinner party and expecting the host to save food for you.
Anonymous
Post 09/21/2023 21:12     Subject: Re: “First come, first serve” household?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I don't care how you were raised, I can't imagine gobbling up all of dinner knowing that my teen is going to be hungry when he gets home.


+1

I'm with you, OP. MIL had more kids than she could handle, and some truly (truly) suffered for it. MIL was checked out, and not into raising her kids, as much as she was about checking the boxes. It is sad to see the ramifications, but MIL also grew up that way, and sees no problem with it. She will never change. DH suffered because he acts the way you described. Not having enough food, but claiming that you do, is a big deal for MIL. In other words, she wanted people to think she was/is competent, at her only job, but she just was not - she was greatly overwhelmed, and it showed.

I mention this in light of your question, and also because MIl knew enough to play favorites, which is hurtful and malicious.
Any time SIL and SIL's family was late for anything, MIL knew to save food for them. Anyone else was on their own.
MIL tended to make it about me, because she knew she was wrong. When you do not save food on a major holiday, for some immediate family members, but you do for others - that is really, really, really messed up. MIL is messed up in the head, and it came to light with new females added to the family, over the years.

Turns out, MIL and SIL are codependent. SIL was also codependent on other SIL, but other SIL (thankfully) put a stop to it, fairly recently.

All this to say, I am not sure what to tell you, but if you are able to nip this primitve behavior in the bud, good on you - because it is very real and very destructive. No immediate family members should be treated in such a cold, caluclating, and selfish manner - least of all, growing children.


With the saving food (or not) at holiday meals, how does this even happen? If the meal is to be served at 4 and you roll up at 6, you get what you get.


I understand saving a plate of food on Thanksgiving for a latecomer. But texting your spouse about leftover pizza in the fridge is just too much.
Anonymous
Post 09/21/2023 21:06     Subject: Re: “First come, first serve” household?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I don't care how you were raised, I can't imagine gobbling up all of dinner knowing that my teen is going to be hungry when he gets home.


+1

I'm with you, OP. MIL had more kids than she could handle, and some truly (truly) suffered for it. MIL was checked out, and not into raising her kids, as much as she was about checking the boxes. It is sad to see the ramifications, but MIL also grew up that way, and sees no problem with it. She will never change. DH suffered because he acts the way you described. Not having enough food, but claiming that you do, is a big deal for MIL. In other words, she wanted people to think she was/is competent, at her only job, but she just was not - she was greatly overwhelmed, and it showed.

I mention this in light of your question, and also because MIl knew enough to play favorites, which is hurtful and malicious.
Any time SIL and SIL's family was late for anything, MIL knew to save food for them. Anyone else was on their own.
MIL tended to make it about me, because she knew she was wrong. When you do not save food on a major holiday, for some immediate family members, but you do for others - that is really, really, really messed up. MIL is messed up in the head, and it came to light with new females added to the family, over the years.

Turns out, MIL and SIL are codependent. SIL was also codependent on other SIL, but other SIL (thankfully) put a stop to it, fairly recently.

All this to say, I am not sure what to tell you, but if you are able to nip this primitve behavior in the bud, good on you - because it is very real and very destructive. No immediate family members should be treated in such a cold, caluclating, and selfish manner - least of all, growing children.


With the saving food (or not) at holiday meals, how does this even happen? If the meal is to be served at 4 and you roll up at 6, you get what you get.