Anonymous
09/01/2023 15:59
Subject: Kid treated my boyfriend like crap
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:In front of you?
My boyfriends teenage sons are fairly polite and civil to me in front of him.
They are much less nice to me when he is around.
Which feels very….manipulative.
I haven’t decided yet if it’s a deal breaker
Oh big typo sorry
They are much LESS nice to me when he IS T around. Curt one word answer, unpleasant facial expressions. Nothing solid I can report to my boyfriend but just a very unfriendly vibe.
I did not meet my boyfriend until two years after the divorce so no I am not the AP
Why do you even need to be around them when your boyfriend isn’t there? They are allowed to not like you.
They don’t need to like me, but they do need to be civil and polite to me, as I am to them. I’m not alone with them for long stretches. I’m talking like, we are sitting at dinner and dad goes inside to get something and their attitude completely changes for the few minutes thwt he is gone,
Point blank question- were you a party in the break up of their parents’ marriage?
No. I did not meet their dad until three years after the divorce was final. I would never date a man whose divorce was not final. I don’t even date men who have been divorced less than a year.
Maybe they just don't like you. Would you automatically like someone who forced herself into your family life?
NP. I would say their father invited her, rather than that she "forced herself" into their life. Really they should be acting out with their father, but she's an easier target. This is why if I became widowed, I would never date a man with children at home.
Anonymous
09/01/2023 15:56
Subject: Kid treated my boyfriend like crap
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:For the first time ever I introduced my 7 year old son to the man I’m dating. Things have been getting more serious between us and thought it was time. My son behaved horribly making fun of my boyfriend all night. I’m mortified. Does anyone have stories of a poor initial meet up that went on to be a good relationship?
Kid instinctively doesn’t want his mom to be a harlot
Close your legs and focus on parenting him
You can run wild after he is in college
LOL ok that was brutal but there is something to it.
I'm not dating again until kids are off to college.
Anonymous
09/01/2023 14:52
Subject: Kid treated my boyfriend like crap
I was that kid but older when I met my mom’s bf. It sucked. Having divorced parents sucks. Meeting a parent’s bf/gf sucks. And I was a good kid but I was a jerk to the bfs and gfs for awhile. I’d consider having your son see a therapist to help him with the transition. After I saw through actions how nice my mom’s bf was, he won be over. I needed to get to know him, see he was a decent person. It just takes time. Your son likely still wants his parents to get back together - I wanted that so badly even though my dad was a real jerk. As I got older, I forgave both my parents and understood my mom made the right decision.
Anonymous
09/01/2023 14:37
Subject: Kid treated my boyfriend like crap
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:In front of you?
My boyfriends teenage sons are fairly polite and civil to me in front of him.
They are much less nice to me when he is around.
Which feels very….manipulative.
I haven’t decided yet if it’s a deal breaker
Oh big typo sorry
They are much LESS nice to me when he IS T around. Curt one word answer, unpleasant facial expressions. Nothing solid I can report to my boyfriend but just a very unfriendly vibe.
I did not meet my boyfriend until two years after the divorce so no I am not the AP
Why do you even need to be around them when your boyfriend isn’t there? They are allowed to not like you.
They don’t need to like me, but they do need to be civil and polite to me, as I am to them. I’m not alone with them for long stretches. I’m talking like, we are sitting at dinner and dad goes inside to get something and their attitude completely changes for the few minutes thwt he is gone,
You aren't mature enough for this situation. Please end it
You think it’s immature to expect teens to treat people in a civil manner?
This board of full of so many bitter exes who don’t want their exes dating or remarrying…..
It shows a lack of parenting knowledge. Teens are rude a lot. It doesn't mean you have to tolerate it, but it's normal. They're especially difficult if they have experienced something traumatic (check) and if they feel they are being forced to do something they don't want to (check).
But it sounds like these kids aren't even rude, right? In their own home, they stop putting on an extra happy face when they don't have to convince their dad that everything is fine.
PP, I read a later post where you wonder whether you should break up and that's the perspective OP's boyfriend. What you seem to be missing is that you and OP's boyfriend have to come second to the kids.
Anonymous
09/01/2023 14:30
Subject: Kid treated my boyfriend like crap
Anonymous wrote:Most likely a troll since OP didn't come back.
Really? You can't imagine non-troll reasons that the OP would not want to come back to have people keep telling her things like *checks notes* "close her legs and focus on parenting him"?
This thread is a great example of the way that straight women are socially punished if they don't become nuns after getting divorced. A lovely blend of slut-shaming and mommy martyring.
FWIW, OP, you probably picked the wrong activity and could have been more honest with your kid about who this person was. 7 is not 4. The playbook you were following would've landed really differently with a 4yo. If the concern here is coming from your boyfriend's ego, ditch the boyfriend. If the concern is that you're embarrassed by your son's behavior, you can apologize to your boyfriend for the behavior but situate it as developmentally appropriate to the situation and agree to try to meet again, maybe letting your kid pick the activity this time.
Anonymous
09/01/2023 14:21
Subject: Kid treated my boyfriend like crap
If you've spent a lot of time talking with the dad to help him, and things are still bad, maybe your parenting advice isn't as good as you think it is.
Anonymous
09/01/2023 14:19
Subject: Kid treated my boyfriend like crap
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:To PP with teens, do you live with their dad? How often are you there during his custodial time? How much of that time is theirs alone with their dad?
They don't want you there during their limited time with father. It's not personal and you can't change it. Complaining to BF will not make it better.
He has full custody. Mom is MIA as she moved to the west coast and left the kids behind. Dad spends tons of time with them.
I have my own place but am there about half the time because he considers that better than leaving them alone while he goes to visit me.
If you read my posts, my very point is that their behavior is vague enough that I can’t and don’t complain about it.
My main point is, this affects my feelings about the relationship. I am mulling whether or not it is a deal breaker for me. If someone’s seven year old was repeatedly rude to me, I’d probably be out the door. It’s just not a good feeling. I’m offering the potential perspective of the op’s boyfriend. Sometimes I have the attitude, eh, they are teens this is to be expected big deal. Other times I am like, hmm, not sure this dynamic is worth sticking around because it kind of sucks,
If we break up, I’m only going to date men who are childless or whose kids have successfully launched.
PP can you put yourself in their shoes at all? Mom abandoned them, which will likely f them up for life and now dad has some lady they don't like there a LOT of the time, (50%!!!) at family dinner, sleeping over, taking up their dad's time and attention when they are a small amount of time out from life altering traumas - the family blowing up and parental abandonment? I think it would be best for ALL if you moved on as you don't seem like someone with the amount of empathy these kids need.
I kind of agree with this. If this PP cannot enjoy the teens to at least some degree she should end it. Note - you can enjoy a teen/tween and still want to throttle them at times! But there has to be some sort of affection or at least feeling like you are positively contributing to their lives.
If their dad started spending lots of overnights at PP's place it would be super triggering to kids who have been abandoned once. Plus, leaving kids alone a lot overnight is not common or wise, esp if they are already at risk.
PP, you don't seem to have any bond or investment in their welfare after a lot of time. You would be marrying the whole family. I'd move on. Best for everyone.
Anonymous
09/01/2023 14:16
Subject: Kid treated my boyfriend like crap
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:In front of you?
My boyfriends teenage sons are fairly polite and civil to me in front of him.
They are much less nice to me when he is around.
Which feels very….manipulative.
I haven’t decided yet if it’s a deal breaker
Oh big typo sorry
They are much LESS nice to me when he IS T around. Curt one word answer, unpleasant facial expressions. Nothing solid I can report to my boyfriend but just a very unfriendly vibe.
I did not meet my boyfriend until two years after the divorce so no I am not the AP
Why do you even need to be around them when your boyfriend isn’t there? They are allowed to not like you.
They don’t need to like me, but they do need to be civil and polite to me, as I am to them. I’m not alone with them for long stretches. I’m talking like, we are sitting at dinner and dad goes inside to get something and their attitude completely changes for the few minutes thwt he is gone,
You aren't mature enough for this situation. Please end it
You think it’s immature to expect teens to treat people in a civil manner?
This board of full of so many bitter exes who don’t want their exes dating or remarrying…..[/quote]
This an example of maturity and politeness?
What I and others are trying to get through your head is in general teens are rude they aren't interested in engaging in chit chat with most adults and definitely not dad's girlfriend. Sure it's frustrating but it's also developmentally normal.
You also seems m completely clueless about how there noms abandonment has and will continue to impact them. You seem to have zero empathy are very focused on yourself.
You aren't equipped to handle this situation and I say this as someone who is the second wife/ stepmom
You have no idea how much empathy I have or have not about this situation. I commented on one narrow piece of my relationship and role with them because that is what relates to the thread. I do a ton for the kids. I am even helping pay the college expenses of the college student since mom makes money (thus decreasing their ability to get aid for college) but refuses to give the kid a dime for college (and no the divorce settlement doesn’t say dad is responsible for all college costs). I found the other kid a therapist by calling around to every one I knew when wait lists were a mile long. I spend a ton of time talking with their dad to help him figure out how to cope with everything and help them.
Yes, it may be normal for some teens to be rude, though I sure taught my now grown child that she needed to be civil to me or other adults, and people in general, and make small talk when appropriate. It’s normal to not want your kids to be rude to others, which is what the op is upset about. She’s looking for advice on how to get her kid to be nicer and better behaved towards others.
My comment was to show perspective of how it feels to be in the date’s position. It is hard to have a lot of your time and energy and money taken up with kids who don’t even seem to like you. That’s the path this man may be going down if he gets involved with a woman whose young son is rude to him and doesn’t seem to like him. If the kid keeps acting that way, he may end the dating relationship, and that would not be selfish or irrational of him to do.
So….if you are divorced…and you have kids…and you want to be in a relationship….which is OP’s situation….then yeah, trying to get your kid to be nicer to your boyfriend is probably the way to go.
Why are you dating him if you so disagree with his parenting? Why do you want to spend time with a family where you are not wanted?
This "civility" thing is just BS. You're trying to play Emily Post Miss Manners while you force your way into their family where you aren't wanted. The civility we owe to people we encounter in public or those we work or go to school with is different because we don't have to put up with those people for long periods of time, in our homes and intimate family situations. "Civility" would also indicate that you shouldn't intrude where you are not wanted, and that you not impose your company on people who clearly dislike you. But you're not willing to do that "civility" because you want to have this man as your boyfriend. The kids are just your collateral damage, and you don't actually care except for how it affects you.
Anonymous
09/01/2023 14:06
Subject: Kid treated my boyfriend like crap
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:In front of you?
My boyfriends teenage sons are fairly polite and civil to me in front of him.
They are much less nice to me when he is around.
Which feels very….manipulative.
I haven’t decided yet if it’s a deal breaker
Oh big typo sorry
They are much LESS nice to me when he IS T around. Curt one word answer, unpleasant facial expressions. Nothing solid I can report to my boyfriend but just a very unfriendly vibe.
I did not meet my boyfriend until two years after the divorce so no I am not the AP
Why do you even need to be around them when your boyfriend isn’t there? They are allowed to not like you.
They don’t need to like me, but they do need to be civil and polite to me, as I am to them. I’m not alone with them for long stretches. I’m talking like, we are sitting at dinner and dad goes inside to get something and their attitude completely changes for the few minutes thwt he is gone,
You aren't mature enough for this situation. Please end it
You think it’s immature to expect teens to treat people in a civil manner?
This board of full of so many bitter exes who don’t want their exes dating or remarrying…..[/quote]
This an example of maturity and politeness?
What I and others are trying to get through your head is in general teens are rude they aren't interested in engaging in chit chat with most adults and definitely not dad's girlfriend. Sure it's frustrating but it's also developmentally normal.
You also seems m completely clueless about how there noms abandonment has and will continue to impact them. You seem to have zero empathy are very focused on yourself.
You aren't equipped to handle this situation and I say this as someone who is the second wife/ stepmom
You have no idea how much empathy I have or have not about this situation. I commented on one narrow piece of my relationship and role with them because that is what relates to the thread. I do a ton for the kids. I am even helping pay the college expenses of the college student since mom makes money (thus decreasing their ability to get aid for college) but refuses to give the kid a dime for college (and no the divorce settlement doesn’t say dad is responsible for all college costs). I found the other kid a therapist by calling around to every one I knew when wait lists were a mile long. I spend a ton of time talking with their dad to help him figure out how to cope with everything and help them.
Yes, it may be normal for some teens to be rude, though I sure taught my now grown child that she needed to be civil to me or other adults, and people in general, and make small talk when appropriate. It’s normal to not want your kids to be rude to others, which is what the op is upset about. She’s looking for advice on how to get her kid to be nicer and better behaved towards others.
My comment was to show perspective of how it feels to be in the date’s position. It is hard to have a lot of your time and energy and money taken up with kids who don’t even seem to like you. That’s the path this man may be going down if he gets involved with a woman whose young son is rude to him and doesn’t seem to like him. If the kid keeps acting that way, he may end the dating relationship, and that would not be selfish or irrational of him to do.
So….if you are divorced…and you have kids…and you want to be in a relationship….which is OP’s situation….then yeah, trying to get your kid to be nicer to your boyfriend is probably the way to go.
Why do you want to be in a family of people who don't like you? Is it really that enjoyable? If you could earn your way in with money and administrative stuff and emotionally supporting their dad, it would have worked already. It's not going to.
My mom's boyfriend is a loser, and no matter how many fake favors he does for me, and how many unwanted gifts, he's still going to be a loser. And it's all still going to be stuff he does because he's with my mom, not because he actually cares about me. See how that works?
Anonymous
09/01/2023 14:00
Subject: Kid treated my boyfriend like crap
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:In front of you?
My boyfriends teenage sons are fairly polite and civil to me in front of him.
They are much less nice to me when he is around.
Which feels very….manipulative.
I haven’t decided yet if it’s a deal breaker
Oh big typo sorry
They are much LESS nice to me when he IS T around. Curt one word answer, unpleasant facial expressions. Nothing solid I can report to my boyfriend but just a very unfriendly vibe.
I did not meet my boyfriend until two years after the divorce so no I am not the AP
Why do you even need to be around them when your boyfriend isn’t there? They are allowed to not like you.
They don’t need to like me, but they do need to be civil and polite to me, as I am to them. I’m not alone with them for long stretches. I’m talking like, we are sitting at dinner and dad goes inside to get something and their attitude completely changes for the few minutes thwt he is gone,
You aren't mature enough for this situation. Please end it
You think it’s immature to expect teens to treat people in a civil manner?
This board of full of so many bitter exes who don’t want their exes dating or remarrying…..[/quote]
This an example of maturity and politeness?
What I and others are trying to get through your head is in general teens are rude they aren't interested in engaging in chit chat with most adults and definitely not dad's girlfriend. Sure it's frustrating but it's also developmentally normal.
You also seems m completely clueless about how there noms abandonment has and will continue to impact them. You seem to have zero empathy are very focused on yourself.
You aren't equipped to handle this situation and I say this as someone who is the second wife/ stepmom
You have no idea how much empathy I have or have not about this situation. I commented on one narrow piece of my relationship and role with them because that is what relates to the thread. I do a ton for the kids. I am even helping pay the college expenses of the college student since mom makes money (thus decreasing their ability to get aid for college) but refuses to give the kid a dime for college (and no the divorce settlement doesn’t say dad is responsible for all college costs). I found the other kid a therapist by calling around to every one I knew when wait lists were a mile long. I spend a ton of time talking with their dad to help him figure out how to cope with everything and help them.
Yes, it may be normal for some teens to be rude, though I sure taught my now grown child that she needed to be civil to me or other adults, and people in general, and make small talk when appropriate. It’s normal to not want your kids to be rude to others, which is what the op is upset about. She’s looking for advice on how to get her kid to be nicer and better behaved towards others.
My comment was to show perspective of how it feels to be in the date’s position. It is hard to have a lot of your time and energy and money taken up with kids who don’t even seem to like you. That’s the path this man may be going down if he gets involved with a woman whose young son is rude to him and doesn’t seem to like him. If the kid keeps acting that way, he may end the dating relationship, and that would not be selfish or irrational of him to do.
So….if you are divorced…and you have kids…and you want to be in a relationship….which is OP’s situation….then yeah, trying to get your kid to be nicer to your boyfriend is probably the way to go.
Anonymous
09/01/2023 13:16
Subject: Kid treated my boyfriend like crap
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:For the first time ever I introduced my 7 year old son to the man I’m dating. Things have been getting more serious between us and thought it was time. My son behaved horribly making fun of my boyfriend all night. I’m mortified. Does anyone have stories of a poor initial meet up that went on to be a good relationship?
Kid instinctively doesn’t want his mom to be a harlot
Close your legs and focus on parenting him
You can run wild after he is in college
What a sad sack you are.
I'm sorry mommy didn't love you enough.
Anonymous
09/01/2023 12:53
Subject: Kid treated my boyfriend like crap
Anonymous wrote:For the first time ever I introduced my 7 year old son to the man I’m dating. Things have been getting more serious between us and thought it was time. My son behaved horribly making fun of my boyfriend all night. I’m mortified. Does anyone have stories of a poor initial meet up that went on to be a good relationship?
Kid instinctively doesn’t want his mom to be a harlot
Close your legs and focus on parenting him
You can run wild after he is in college
Anonymous
09/01/2023 12:53
Subject: Kid treated my boyfriend like crap
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:In front of you?
My boyfriends teenage sons are fairly polite and civil to me in front of him.
They are much less nice to me when he is around.
Which feels very….manipulative.
I haven’t decided yet if it’s a deal breaker
Oh big typo sorry
They are much LESS nice to me when he IS T around. Curt one word answer, unpleasant facial expressions. Nothing solid I can report to my boyfriend but just a very unfriendly vibe.
I did not meet my boyfriend until two years after the divorce so no I am not the AP
Why do you even need to be around them when your boyfriend isn’t there? They are allowed to not like you.
They don’t need to like me, but they do need to be civil and polite to me, as I am to them. I’m not alone with them for long stretches. I’m talking like, we are sitting at dinner and dad goes inside to get something and their attitude completely changes for the few minutes thwt he is gone,
You aren't mature enough for this situation. Please end it
You think it’s immature to expect teens to treat people in a civil manner?
This board of full of so many bitter exes who don’t want their exes dating or remarrying…..[/quote]
This an example of maturity and politeness?
What I and others are trying to get through your head is in general teens are rude they aren't interested in engaging in chit chat with most adults and definitely not dad's girlfriend. Sure it's frustrating but it's also developmentally normal.
You also seems m completely clueless about how there noms abandonment has and will continue to impact them. You seem to have zero empathy are very focused on yourself.
You aren't equipped to handle this situation and I say this as someone who is the second wife/ stepmom
Anonymous
09/01/2023 12:52
Subject: Kid treated my boyfriend like crap
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Op I'm concerned that you seem to be focused on the wong things.
Your focused on your sons behavior and your feelings but not your son's feelings and your boyfriend's actions
What did he do.?
Was your boyfriend antagonistic? Did he try to force himself on your son not give him any space?
How did he react to your sons behavior? Was he rude back? Did he get mad at you or your son?
Does your son have a relationship with his dad? Are you divorced? did dad die? All of this matters in how your son perceived this man.
I think first meetings should be short and not something you spring on them. Did he even know that you are dating,?
So since you felt it was serious you should have told him about your boyfriend first let him ask questions and express his feelings.
Then you set up a meeting something simple and quick like getting ice cream..
You can set general behavior expectations as you would for any outing. But your kid should know it's okay to not like this person and that they can tell you how they feel because they your child is the most important.
Also it's okay if your kid isn't perfect your boyfriend needs to see how kids really are.
Also don't force interaction like having your boyfriend do things that your son normally gets from you or wants you to do
And don't do PDA in front of your son either especially on the first meeting.
You should apologize to your son for springing this on him and then talk about what happened see what he's thinking and feeling.
Absolutely no punishment.
Get some books on dating as a single parent and how to blend families and a family therapist.
And if your boyfriend is giving you a problem about this drop him
great post
+1 I'm frankly not sure what it means for a 7yo to treat an adult stranger "like crap."
I have a 6yo and she can be moody or rude etc sometimes, even in situations that are less loaded than the OP. It is frustrating. But it's almost hard to imagine exactly what went down / what the 7yo objectively said or did.
Anonymous
09/01/2023 12:50
Subject: Kid treated my boyfriend like crap
Most likely a troll since OP didn't come back.