Anonymous
Post 09/02/2023 11:48     Subject: Mom and brother don’t want most of trip to be just them alone
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:My mum and I went to Bali together and didn’t even think to invite my brother and his wife. Honestly, having them there would have ruined the trip. My mum said hanging out with my brother is like spending time with a potted plant. Of course we love him, but no way would we want to go on holiday with him or his wife! My mum and I are fun, like shopping, reading by the pool, going on day trips, etc. My brother would probably play video games all day or fight with his wife. No thank you!!! I think my sister in law was miffed, but I really didn’t care because we didn’t want them there.


Sounds like you will have no problem being the sole caretaker of your mom once she’s old enough to need elder care. After all, she doesn’t want to be around the wet blanket.


My mum has enough money to hire help. I’m sorry, but no one wants to holiday with a wet blanket or a potted plant. Maybe op is a nervous Nellie and not a great traveller? No. You don’t get to invite yourself on a trip and then get mad that you aren't wanted. My mum and I didn’t want my brother and his wife there because 1) they’re no fun and 2) they’d expect free childcare all day long. No thank you!!!!

It’s easy to see why you both get along so well. $hitty mother, $hitty daughter.
Anonymous
Post 09/02/2023 11:02     Subject: Mom and brother don’t want most of trip to be just them alone
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:My mum and I went to Bali together and didn’t even think to invite my brother and his wife. Honestly, having them there would have ruined the trip. My mum said hanging out with my brother is like spending time with a potted plant. Of course we love him, but no way would we want to go on holiday with him or his wife! My mum and I are fun, like shopping, reading by the pool, going on day trips, etc. My brother would probably play video games all day or fight with his wife. No thank you!!! I think my sister in law was miffed, but I really didn’t care because we didn’t want them there.


Your mother is awful and created the mess that is your family.


Why does everyone need to be invited? My mum and I wanted to travel to Bali and have fun, not deal with people who aren’t well travelled (my brother never leaves the country) and complain about food (SIL has a very limited diet) and are just generally high maintenance. We didn’t do the trip to exclude them on purpose, we literally didn’t even think of inviting them. The trip was about us! Not everyone gets a prize, and not everyone is invited to everything. Get over it!!!


Do you talk about a trip with people and let them think they are included? Thats mean. And ypu are creating a scenerio that op said didnt happen
Anonymous
Post 09/02/2023 09:51     Subject: Mom and brother don’t want most of trip to be just them alone
I guess there could be some reasonable explanation, like your brother is booking very high end everything and treating your mom and they know you probably can’t afford to do the same.

In any case, definitely wait a while to get over the hurt, and then maybe ask your brother why.

For sure don’t go just for a few days. Sounds like she was half heartedly throwing you a bone.
Anonymous
Post 09/02/2023 07:35     Subject: Mom and brother don’t want most of trip to be just them alone
One possibility I haven’t seen mentioned:

1) They started talking about an Ireland trip, OP assumed they meant as a replacement for the cancelled group trip from 3 years ago; they were thinking of it as a new thing.

2) OP assumed she was included and they were like “Okay, that could be fun too.”

3) As they all started to discuss the trip, little comments from OP gradually made it clear to them that she was imagining/excited about a very different trip than they were hoping for. As an example, they have been talking between the two of them of doing a farm stay that includes rustic traditional fare for breakfast and dinner! How authentic! OP mentions to one of them that she was looking at hotels and found one with a McDonalds next door and wouldn’t it be great to have familiar food as a backup if they can’t find anything normal to eat?

4) Eventually, they realize that they have to either do a very different trip to Ireland with OP or fess up that this was originally supposed to be a gift trip just the two of them. They feel horrible for letting the whole thing drag on so they offer to spend part of the trip with her doing stuff she enjoys before they go off and do their thing. They cross their fingers that she won’t be too hurt.
Anonymous
Post 09/01/2023 22:43     Subject: Mom and brother don’t want most of trip to be just them alone
I would focus on doing something extra special with my immediate family this year instead. Build some additional fun memories with them.
Anonymous
Post 09/01/2023 22:34     Subject: Mom and brother don’t want most of trip to be just them alone
This is a weird situation.
If it was me I would call my brother up and or my mother and say “look you know I’m really confused, somehow I thought it was a trip for the three of us but if you guys just wanted to go by yourselves, okay. But I really would still like to go on some kind of trip with the two of you, and mom if you would go on a separate trip with me to that would be great.” And suggest a couple locations or ideas.
Is this just a trip to a place that would be fun, or is this a trip back to the homeland or something? Because if the latter that seems worse that they excluded you. But I would have a hard time going on any portion of this trip knowing that my mother had expressed the wish that I not go.
I’m sorry OP it sounds difficult. I have to imagine they love you very much and that they do not want to hurt you.
Anonymous
Post 09/01/2023 22:15     Subject: Mom and brother don’t want most of trip to be just them alone
Anonymous wrote:OP, I think it is very reasonable to be quite hurt by this. But there could be a lot of very reasonable explanations that don’t involve them “not liking you.”

Here are a few:
1) is your mom actually closer to you? Sometimes it’s harder for Mom’s and grown sons to stay connected and they view this as way to build their relationship.
2) maybe years ago on a shared, larger vacation they got to laughing and bonding over their “ideal” vacation which is go, go, go and they start talking about how it would be so fun for just the two of them to take just that type of vacation together.
3) they have some kind of shared and unique connection to something about this trip (following the path of some book they both loved, etc.
4) your brother feels guilty about something and wants to gift your mom a nice trip. Having a 3rd person along makes that hard.
5) your brother has a dear friend whose mom recently died. This friend had an amazing one-on-one trip with his mom that he’s so grateful that he took with her. Or he says that they talked about doing it for years and never made it happen and now he feels badly about it.
6) you took a trip years and years ago with just your mom and your brother has always wanted to do the same.

I’n sure other can come up with other perfectly reasonable reasons. And I think it’s totally okay to ask your brother about it (not in a “how dare you not invite me” way).

Let us know if you talk to him and how this gets resolved.


But they strung her along for a whole year. If one of these reasonable things applied, they would have/should have told her a year ago.
Anonymous
Post 09/01/2023 22:11     Subject: Mom and brother don’t want most of trip to be just them alone
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Mom and brother and I had been talking for an year or so about a trip to Ireland to celebrate my mom’s 75th. Today I brought it up with my mom, asking if she’s still into going.

She sheepishly admitted that brother had kind of wanted it to be alone time with just them. But I can come along for a couple of days.

I am absolutely gutted. I thought my brother and I were close. They are very similar personality types—very cool and hip people. Im more of an introvert. But I thought they liked me.

I tried to just play like I was fine with that idea. It’ll be fun to join you for a couple of days!

But I am crushed. Feeling unloved and like I don’t really know who these people are.



You should still take the trip and go off by yourself or take someone with you. There's a lot to do and see in Ireland and you can set your own itinerary.


Np. Personally, I wouldn't do that. I would tell my mom that you felt that you would be crowding them and felt no longer welcome. I would go with my family at another time.

Sorry, op!


I agree but one bit of advice. Don't tell them you "no longer feel welcome." Even though it's true, don't word it that way. They won't acknowledge how you feel. Instead, they will brush you off by saying "oh, but you ARE welcome. We told you we'd like to spend a couple of days with you, so don't blame us if you don't feel welcome."



Anonymous
Post 09/01/2023 21:44     Subject: Mom and brother don’t want most of trip to be just them alone
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:My mum and I went to Bali together and didn’t even think to invite my brother and his wife. Honestly, having them there would have ruined the trip. My mum said hanging out with my brother is like spending time with a potted plant. Of course we love him, but no way would we want to go on holiday with him or his wife! My mum and I are fun, like shopping, reading by the pool, going on day trips, etc. My brother would probably play video games all day or fight with his wife. No thank you!!! I think my sister in law was miffed, but I really didn’t care because we didn’t want them there.


Your mother is awful and created the mess that is your family.


Why does everyone need to be invited? My mum and I wanted to travel to Bali and have fun, not deal with people who aren’t well travelled (my brother never leaves the country) and complain about food (SIL has a very limited diet) and are just generally high maintenance. We didn’t do the trip to exclude them on purpose, we literally didn’t even think of inviting them. The trip was about us! Not everyone gets a prize, and not everyone is invited to everything. Get over it!!!
Anonymous
Post 09/01/2023 21:38     Subject: Mom and brother don’t want most of trip to be just them alone
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:My mum and I went to Bali together and didn’t even think to invite my brother and his wife. Honestly, having them there would have ruined the trip. My mum said hanging out with my brother is like spending time with a potted plant. Of course we love him, but no way would we want to go on holiday with him or his wife! My mum and I are fun, like shopping, reading by the pool, going on day trips, etc. My brother would probably play video games all day or fight with his wife. No thank you!!! I think my sister in law was miffed, but I really didn’t care because we didn’t want them there.


Sounds like you will have no problem being the sole caretaker of your mom once she’s old enough to need elder care. After all, she doesn’t want to be around the wet blanket.


My mum has enough money to hire help. I’m sorry, but no one wants to holiday with a wet blanket or a potted plant. Maybe op is a nervous Nellie and not a great traveller? No. You don’t get to invite yourself on a trip and then get mad that you aren't wanted. My mum and I didn’t want my brother and his wife there because 1) they’re no fun and 2) they’d expect free childcare all day long. No thank you!!!!
Anonymous
Post 09/01/2023 21:36     Subject: Mom and brother don’t want most of trip to be just them alone
Anonymous wrote:You’re blowing this out of proportion. Of course they like you. As you said yourself they have similar personalities.


You're not blowing it out of proportion.

I'd be very hurt. You need to tell them how you feel or it will eat at you for the rest of your life.
Anonymous
Post 09/01/2023 19:48     Subject: Mom and brother don’t want most of trip to be just them alone
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Mom and brother and I had been talking for an year or so about a trip to Ireland to celebrate my mom’s 75th. Today I brought it up with my mom, asking if she’s still into going.

She sheepishly admitted that brother had kind of wanted it to be alone time with just them. But I can come along for a couple of days.

I am absolutely gutted. I thought my brother and I were close. They are very similar personality types—very cool and hip people. Im more of an introvert. But I thought they liked me.

I tried to just play like I was fine with that idea. It’ll be fun to join you for a couple of days!

But I am crushed. Feeling unloved and like I don’t really know who these people are.



You should still take the trip and go off by yourself or take someone with you. There's a lot to do and see in Ireland and you can set your own itinerary.


Np. Personally, I wouldn't do that. I would tell my mom that you felt that you would be crowding them and felt no longer welcome. I would go with my family at another time.

Sorry, op!
Anonymous
Post 09/01/2023 16:41     Subject: Mom and brother don’t want most of trip to be just them alone
Anonymous wrote:Mom and brother and I had been talking for an year or so about a trip to Ireland to celebrate my mom’s 75th. Today I brought it up with my mom, asking if she’s still into going.

She sheepishly admitted that brother had kind of wanted it to be alone time with just them. But I can come along for a couple of days.

I am absolutely gutted. I thought my brother and I were close. They are very similar personality types—very cool and hip people. Im more of an introvert. But I thought they liked me.

I tried to just play like I was fine with that idea. It’ll be fun to join you for a couple of days!

But I am crushed. Feeling unloved and like I don’t really know who these people are.



You should still take the trip and go off by yourself or take someone with you. There's a lot to do and see in Ireland and you can set your own itinerary.
Anonymous
Post 09/01/2023 16:26     Subject: Mom and brother don’t want most of trip to be just them alone
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Can you just ask one of them? Depending on your relationship, I would express my hurt feelings.


Yes, they're being quite rude, and they really should be aware that you feel excluded. You don't need to get all emotional about it, but you can state calmly that you're disappointed at this revelation. Make them both squirm, OP, they deserve it.

And you know what? When you mother needs help in the future, please don't drop everything to help her. Your brother can do that.


This
Anonymous
Post 09/01/2023 16:22     Subject: Re:Mom and brother don’t want most of trip to be just them alone
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I would speak to brother directly to confirm that your mother's account is accurate. Generally also it's better to talk directly about this issues, even if it's awkward. Maybe wait a few days until you feel ready.

I would feel hurt also, especially if you had been talking all year about it, and if it's likely the only time you'll travel there or altogether, since she's older.

I was excluded from a family trip to my parents' country of origin. I wasn't able to accompany at the time my brother wanted to go and there was no negotiating so they (3 siblings and their families, my parents, and my uncle and aunt) all went. This trip will never happen again because my parents are too old to travel now and the grandkids are all in high school and college. It was a once in a lifetime trip to travel with the entire family.

It still hurts to see the pictures on my parents' walls with everyone on that trip except me and my son. Worse, on one of the photos, my dad photoshopped my son into one of the photos but it's obvious! I wasn't photoshopped in...

When it comes to needing more care for my aging parents, I am assuming my sibs will step up to the plate. I can't be relevant only when it's convenient for them.

Anyway, OP, this could be one of the last opportunities to travel together -- I would discuss with your brother to understand what his thinking is.


I understand not being able to make a big family trip could be hurtful but this seems so petty. It's hard to plan travel with a large group and it's not surprising one party might be unavailable. Even if it was inconsiderate, is it really equal to a lifetime of your parents raising you?


If it was just this one incident, I agree it seems petty. But it's on top of a lifetime of emotional abuse and neglect, verbal abuse to the point where I attempted suicide at age 15, and having catered to my mom's emotional needs from when I was a child.

And now I know trolls will ask why I even want to be part of the family or want to travel with them, with this history. Just can't win.


It isn't trolling to ask a reasonable question. When someone tells you that someone else does nothing but hurt them, it is reasonable to ask why they don't stop being involved with that person. I am NC with my mother because of her treatment of me, so I know how hard it is to accept that my parent is a trash human and accept that I will never know what it is like to have a mother who actually loves me. I may be mentally healthier and even happier without her in my life, but it still hurts. If you actually care about winning, stop playing that game and start playing a better one.


This is perfectly said. Sage words of wisdom. You have the makings of a good therapist