My father died suddenly (despite being 78). My in-laws sent cards, texts etc. That felt like enough. My SIL who is my brother's wife was, of course, at the funeral, but my DH's sister was not and no one expected her to be.

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think an in-law on the other side of the family, who lives far away would usually go to the funeral. It sounds like she wants to be supportive because she’s reached out to you.

Old grievances often emerge at times of loss and grief. There's a reason OP is singling out her SIL for not doing enough given all the time and money SIL is fortunate to have. OP's envy will end up ruining her relationship with her brother if she keeps this up.

Anonymous wrote:when my father died, my in-laws didn't even send a card. nothing. it was like he (nor I) mattered to them. it's been 11 years and I haven't forgotten how that made me feel.

I think when you lose someone, how people treated you at that time really sticks. you never forget who did what. or who didn't do enough.

OP - I am right there with you. I understand the hurt you're feeling.

It's a way to redirect your grief for your loved one to anger for other people. Does no one any good especially yourself. You end up pushing away people who probably have no idea why you are acting that way.

when my father died, my in-laws didn't even send a card. nothing. it was like he (nor I) mattered to them. it's been 11 years and I haven't forgotten how that made me feel.

I think when you lose someone, how people treated you at that time really sticks. you never forget who did what. or who didn't do enough.

OP - I am right there with you. I understand the hurt you're feeling.

I have no expectation that my ILs attend my family's funerals when they are held on a weekday in a different town even if it is just a couple of hours drive.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for this, helpful reminder of the different dynamics. My family is like your DH side, culturally super important to show up. Maybe part of the bristle I feel is the cultural divide (and the sorrow I feel for my mom, as culturally in law relationships are important but my husband’s family — though not my husband — has different cultural values).

C’mon OP. It sounds like LOTS of people showed up. Are you really gonna penalized those who didn’t. And, again, what’s your SIL’s personal situation? Does she have kids? Does she work? What kind of help does she have available to her? Is she really the worst person on earth just because she did not move heaven and earth to get to your father’s funeral?

No kids, no serious budget constraints, and has super flex work, has often come down and worked remotely, etc. from our house. She has been to Europe twice this summer for fun, one was last minute decision. So she has the time, money. But I hear the other points about maybe she thought she did enough.

Ahhhh. Here it is, folks! You’re jealous and have been looking for a reason to dislike her for a long time. Now you’ve got one! Or at least that’s what you’ll tell yourself.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for this, helpful reminder of the different dynamics. My family is like your DH side, culturally super important to show up. Maybe part of the bristle I feel is the cultural divide (and the sorrow I feel for my mom, as culturally in law relationships are important but my husband’s family — though not my husband — has different cultural values).

Deepest condolences. I have lost a parent and grandparents to whom I was very close, so I say this with experience and enormous respect, you are taking out your grief in the form
Of anger directed at her.
She reached out, you did not call back, she texted, you did not respond with, I need X,Y, Z.
EVERYONE is different. She may feel that she is being respectful and consent following your lead.
If you do not say what you want, HOW WILL SHE KNOW?
Frankly, I did not want meals dropped off. Do you read DCUM, people are nasty and not everyone can cook.
Look , you are immensely sad. Her actions are no indication of how great your dad was or how close you were to him.
Just feel your feelings. Let this go, life has a lot more hills and valleys and there is no point in writing her off because she did not psychically know you wanted a free fruit bowl.

I don’t think an in-law on the other side of the family, who lives far away would usually go to the funeral. It sounds like she wants to be supportive because she’s reached out to you.

Anonymous wrote:Somehow many of you missed that in DH's family, funerals are important to attend even if for distant family. So it would go to reason that this would extend to DH's wife for her immediate family like a parent or sibling's death. That's not unreasonable. The same holds true for my husbands family but when my father died all I got was a text from a few of them. That's really hurtful. I totally get it OP.

You are the one that missed it, you completely misread the comment. It was about how OPs family is similar to another posters DH. Not that OPs husbands family is.
Goodness.

Anonymous wrote:I agree that this isn’t a gift giving occasion and thus your comparison of the SILs seems a bit…strange. You mention cultural divides a few times. IMO it’s more important to try to text and call after a death then to send a food gift. But in general it is best not to compare family members in a time like this.

And use your words! If you want people to attend a funeral, say so. Don’t say you don’t expect it and then hold it against them later.

This is just good advice in general. Be an adult, act like an adult, communicate like an adult.

I would try to reframe as gratitude for her reaching out multiple times and for her ongoing support of the kids who just lost their grandfather, OP.

NP. I would never expect my in-laws to attend any funerals of my family members. Especially if they had to travel to them.

I’m sorry for your loss, but you are really expecting too much.

OP isn't digging in on anything.

Anonymous wrote:Somehow many of you missed that in DH's family, funerals are important to attend even if for distant family. So it would go to reason that this would extend to DH's wife for her immediate family like a parent or sibling's death. That's not unreasonable. The same holds true for my husbands family but when my father died all I got was a text from a few of them. That's really hurtful. I totally get it OP.

No, you misread. OP said, in response to another PP saying their DH had an enmeshed, show up for everyone approach:

My family is like your DH side, culturally super important to show up. Maybe part of the bristle I feel is the cultural divide (and the sorrow I feel for my mom, as culturally in law relationships are important but my husband’s family — though not my husband — has different cultural values).

So, OP's family is the "funerals are important to attend" side, not DH or SIL. OP is just really digging her feet in on making SIL the bad guy based on . . . nothing. And on the one hand I get it: easier than staring into the abyss. But that doesn't make it right or fair.

Somehow many of you missed that in DH's family, funerals are important to attend even if for distant family. So it would go to reason that this would extend to DH's wife for her immediate family like a parent or sibling's death. That's not unreasonable. The same holds true for my husbands family but when my father died all I got was a text from a few of them. That's really hurtful. I totally get it OP.