Anonymous
08/14/2023 14:42
Subject: Husband considers two plates left in the kitchen "lack of respect" toward him
Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for your replies. I agree, the problem is much deeper than the two plates.
He doesn't want to do therapy. He says that I should change my behavior. I admit, the kitchen is often not tidied up. He says that when he comes home on a Friday afternoon, he expects the house to be perfect. The housekeeper comes once a week, on Saturdays.
The housekeeper does his laundry and changes the sheets.
Oh. So it's a power struggle, not emotional abuse.
Often he makes things about himself when that should not be the case. For example, our son doesn't want to be friends anymore with a boy in his class, because the behavior of this boy is increasingly weird. The mom of another boy in our child's circle of friends didn't know that and invited this boy to a planned group event at our house on a Friday afternoon. After my husband came home, he called this other mom, telling her that when he comes home on a Friday afternoon after a difficult week at work, he doesn't want to have to encounter this boy.
My son doesn't like his dad's behavior, but is already trying to rationalize it saying "he's just a nice guy with a bad temper."
My husband grew up with a similar father: an otherwise nice guy but with frequent outbursts of anger. My husband and his mother tiptoed around him in eggshells. They hated him. She was a sahm and did not think that she could afford to divorce him.
Anonymous
08/14/2023 14:42
Subject: Re:Husband considers two plates left in the kitchen "lack of respect" toward him
I don't like his focus on "respect". Does he think he is a sort of king who needs to be served? Or does he think manhood means being served? Is he black? Sometimes AA get sucked into this mentality (always demanding "respect"), ask a black woman, we know--not that all men we know are like this but it is a presence in some in the community.
Anonymous
08/14/2023 14:36
Subject: Husband considers two plates left in the kitchen "lack of respect" toward him
Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for your replies. I agree, the problem is much deeper than the two plates.
He doesn't want to do therapy. He says that I should change my behavior. I admit, the kitchen is often not tidied up. He says that when he comes home on a Friday afternoon, he expects the house to be perfect. The housekeeper comes once a week, on Saturdays.
The housekeeper does his laundry and changes the sheets.
Often he makes things about himself when that should not be the case. For example, our son doesn't want to be friends anymore with a boy in his class, because the behavior of this boy is increasingly weird. The mom of another boy in our child's circle of friends didn't know that and invited this boy to a planned group event at our house on a Friday afternoon. After my husband came home, he called this other mom, telling her that when he comes home on a Friday afternoon after a difficult week at work, he doesn't want to have to encounter this boy.
My son doesn't like his dad's behavior, but is already trying to rationalize it saying "he's just a nice guy with a bad temper."
My husband grew up with a similar father: an otherwise nice guy but with frequent outbursts of anger. My husband and his mother tiptoed around him in eggshells. They hated him. She was a sahm and did not think that she could afford to divorce him.
How did he get the number of this mom? That would be weird for anyone to do rather than talk to you first. The guy can't pick up a dish or do his own laundry but has the audacity to call up a mom and criticize a young boy when he doesn't even have to do anything related to him? Criticizes you but instead this time he bypassed you to call her up? It doesn't add up. That is a huge deal but one I kind of doubt actually happened with this guy. He would criticize and put it on you if the pattern repeated, no?
Anonymous
08/14/2023 13:16
Subject: Re:Husband considers two plates left in the kitchen "lack of respect" toward him
Hi, I'm the OP of the recent rattlesnake thread. OP, what you described reminds me of what I experience:
Step 1: I do something that is totally normal and unremarkable.
Step 2: DH perceives it as a slight to him personally, and gets mad at me.
I don't bother discussing the specifics with him, that would just lead to a lecture on how whatever it was MY fault. And: "Oh, by the way DW, while we're discussing our relationship, I've got all these grievances against you." My coping strategy is to just ignore his behavior and move on as if nothing had happened. And look for sources of joy, support, and happiness from family, friends, work, and hobbies. Sad, but true.
In my case, my husband is pretty chill about household chores - he wouldn't be the one to complain about dishes left out. But your situation is no more about the merits of leaving dishes on a counter than my post the other day was about how to park in a parking garage.
Because this is today's issue. Tomorrow's issue will be totally different. It's exhausting.
Step 1: I do something that is totally normal and unremarkable.
Step 2: DH perceives it as a slight to him personally, and gets mad at me.
I don't bother discussing the specifics with him, that would just lead to a lecture on how whatever it was MY fault. And: "Oh, by the way DW, while we're discussing our relationship, I've got all these grievances against you." My coping strategy is to just ignore his behavior and move on as if nothing had happened. And look for sources of joy, support, and happiness from family, friends, work, and hobbies. Sad, but true.
In my case, my husband is pretty chill about household chores - he wouldn't be the one to complain about dishes left out. But your situation is no more about the merits of leaving dishes on a counter than my post the other day was about how to park in a parking garage.
Because this is today's issue. Tomorrow's issue will be totally different. It's exhausting.
Anonymous
08/14/2023 13:06
Subject: Husband considers two plates left in the kitchen "lack of respect" toward him
OP here. Thanks for your replies. I agree, the problem is much deeper than the two plates.
He doesn't want to do therapy. He says that I should change my behavior. I admit, the kitchen is often not tidied up. He says that when he comes home on a Friday afternoon, he expects the house to be perfect. The housekeeper comes once a week, on Saturdays.
The housekeeper does his laundry and changes the sheets.
Often he makes things about himself when that should not be the case. For example, our son doesn't want to be friends anymore with a boy in his class, because the behavior of this boy is increasingly weird. The mom of another boy in our child's circle of friends didn't know that and invited this boy to a planned group event at our house on a Friday afternoon. After my husband came home, he called this other mom, telling her that when he comes home on a Friday afternoon after a difficult week at work, he doesn't want to have to encounter this boy.
My son doesn't like his dad's behavior, but is already trying to rationalize it saying "he's just a nice guy with a bad temper."
My husband grew up with a similar father: an otherwise nice guy but with frequent outbursts of anger. My husband and his mother tiptoed around him in eggshells. They hated him. She was a sahm and did not think that she could afford to divorce him.
He doesn't want to do therapy. He says that I should change my behavior. I admit, the kitchen is often not tidied up. He says that when he comes home on a Friday afternoon, he expects the house to be perfect. The housekeeper comes once a week, on Saturdays.
The housekeeper does his laundry and changes the sheets.
Often he makes things about himself when that should not be the case. For example, our son doesn't want to be friends anymore with a boy in his class, because the behavior of this boy is increasingly weird. The mom of another boy in our child's circle of friends didn't know that and invited this boy to a planned group event at our house on a Friday afternoon. After my husband came home, he called this other mom, telling her that when he comes home on a Friday afternoon after a difficult week at work, he doesn't want to have to encounter this boy.
My son doesn't like his dad's behavior, but is already trying to rationalize it saying "he's just a nice guy with a bad temper."
My husband grew up with a similar father: an otherwise nice guy but with frequent outbursts of anger. My husband and his mother tiptoed around him in eggshells. They hated him. She was a sahm and did not think that she could afford to divorce him.
Anonymous
08/14/2023 13:02
Subject: Husband considers two plates left in the kitchen "lack of respect" toward him
Wow I hope my wife reads these threads. She leaves dirty dishes on the counter all the time. I wouldn’t ever consider getting whiny about that.
I recommend seeking divorce too. That’s a bit much and pretty unfriendly.
I recommend seeking divorce too. That’s a bit much and pretty unfriendly.
Anonymous
08/14/2023 13:00
Subject: Husband considers two plates left in the kitchen "lack of respect" toward him
Anonymous wrote:This reminds me of the guy in “Sleeping with the Enemy”. He sounds abusive. This could get worse.
Thx for making this super long troll op, Op
Anonymous
08/14/2023 12:59
Subject: Husband considers two plates left in the kitchen "lack of respect" toward him
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:How would you react to this?
This morning at 7 I was rushing out the door with our 7 year-old to make it in time to an all-day kids' activity. I left the two dirty plates used for breakfast on the kitchen counter. Otherwise the kitchen and the entire house were spotless (because our cleaner was here yesterday).
An hour later my husband texted me a photo of the two plates, writing that I should clean up my mess before leaving the house, because "it shows a lack of respect" toward him.
I wanted to reply to him jokingly that putting the two plates in the dishwasher will be considered his share if the household chores, but I bit my tongue, because I knew that it would make him angry.
He doesn't do anything around the house, except goes grocery shopping one a week. For example,if it rains, it wouldn't occur to him to cover the teak patio furniture. He refuses even to water the plants.
He expects that I keep the house spotless, because it is me and our kid who "make the mess" during the week. He gets home late and leaves early every day.
I have a job and work outside the home, albeit less hours than him (because I take care of our kid).
When our kid and I got home tonight at 8:30 pm, the two plates were still on the counter. I cleared them away before I washed our son and put him to bed.
How would you deal with this? My husband is prone to angry reactions, and I don't want to escalate the situation. Nevertheless,it bothers me.
By the way, such situations occur regularly.
Thanks in advance.
If this is real, it reminds me of Sleeping With The Enemy.
And again!
Anonymous
08/14/2023 12:58
Subject: Husband considers two plates left in the kitchen "lack of respect" toward him
Anonymous wrote:“prone to angry explosions” — OP, the elephant in the room is your husband’s undiagnosed mental health issues. Without knowing more, it could be anything from OCD/anxiety (no tolerance for ordinary, minor mess and disorder) or narcissistic personality/ borderline (high conflict — texting you angrily over something that would take two seconds to put away). He might be baiting you to respond. If it’s narc/borderline he will forget within 20 min that he has sent the text.
You may not realize how much this wears on you. I suggest you keep a diary. And get a therapist. This is not a normal way to live, and sooner or later things may come to a head and you may want a divorce. Within three to five years your child will be a lot more independent and you may even get custody if he doesn’t want to be involved.
+1
Anonymous
08/14/2023 12:57
Subject: Husband considers two plates left in the kitchen "lack of respect" toward him
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I’d be calling divorce lawyers and making copies of all of our bank records, taxes, important documents, etc. He sounds like an abusive ass.
+1. 100%
+2
OP here. I'm surprised that so many posters think that I should divorce. It is difficult when our lives are so entangled, and we have a young child. I'd much rather try to make it work
Divorce is the default knee jerk reaction from most people but if you can make it work, you owe it to your child to try. Talk to your husband when you both are relaxed about why kindness in marriage is as necessary as respect and why respect goes both ways. If you are smart enough to train a dog or raise a child, you can retrain a husband but aim should be for for mutual benefit not just yours.
Anonymous
08/14/2023 12:54
Subject: Husband considers two plates left in the kitchen "lack of respect" toward him
Did I miss OP's response - OP what is his cultural background?
If you just sweetly (gag) apologize, correct the issue, and say it won't happen again, does that placate him or does he just look for other things to complain about?
If the former, I'd just give in. Path of least resistance.
If the latter, you have an unresolvable problem on your hands.
If you just sweetly (gag) apologize, correct the issue, and say it won't happen again, does that placate him or does he just look for other things to complain about?
If the former, I'd just give in. Path of least resistance.
If the latter, you have an unresolvable problem on your hands.
Anonymous
08/14/2023 12:54
Subject: Husband considers two plates left in the kitchen "lack of respect" toward him
Anonymous wrote:This is such a classic textbook example of a certain personality structure. It almost makes me wonder if you have the textbook.
Like a troll OP and then and soap sock puppet response above? Lol
Anonymous
08/14/2023 12:53
Subject: Husband considers two plates left in the kitchen "lack of respect" toward him
Anonymous wrote:I hate when my husband leaves knives on the counter. He hates when I haven't scrubbed the cutting board after chopping veggies for breakfast. Most of the time we clean each other's messes. Sometimes we snip at each other, depending on mood.
Respect has never entered the conversation. These are just annoying habits that WE ALL HAVE, and that we need to learn to live with, when we are part of a family.
There is absolutely something deeper going on here. I know you are worried about angering him (which is a concern in itself), but is it possible to have a sit-down conversation with him and try to get both of you to understand where this is coming from? Because I doubt he knows, either, quite honestly.
Also:
What work does he do around the house? I assume he's doing his own laundry, at least, because he's the one who "messes that up." And makes the bed and washes bed linens at least half the time, because, you know, he "messes that up" too. And takes out the trash, etc. at least half the time. And so on.
+1
Like he know he’s a deadweight in the house so likes to criticize little things about what you do once in awhile in the house.
Of course this is 1 out of 100 house and kid things you did the last 24 hours but he feels good criticizing that 1 thing. Meanwhile he did none of the 100.
Anonymous
08/14/2023 12:51
Subject: Re:Husband considers two plates left in the kitchen "lack of respect" toward him
take pictures of all his infractions. he sounds like an ass. don't be a doormat.
Anonymous
08/14/2023 12:50
Subject: Husband considers two plates left in the kitchen "lack of respect" toward him
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:So much less drama to adopt a child as a single woman and do it all myself with no arguments.
Adopt? Is a female not complete without motherhood?
- Mom of 2
I don't think that is what she is saying. IF one wants a kid perhaps one might want to do it alone instead of also catering to a spoiled man baby.