Anonymous wrote:This is such a sad thread. I think more parents need to think like that airline message of putting your own oxygen masks on first.

We are a dual career family and both have demanding very senior jobs. We also have stress (money, parent health, normal teenage issues), but we also have way more joy in our lives. I don’t feel exhausted.

Parenting kids shouldn’t make us all miserable and exhausted (with a caveat of there are special needs kids involved, this Pollyanna statement probably doesn’t apply around the exhaustion bit).

And do you do it all or do you have help? How do you both have very senior jobs without outsourcing help like housekeeping, cleaners, etc?

Anonymous wrote:NP... Although I hate we're all in the same boat, it's good to see that I'm not alone. And we have young kids (4 month old, 20 month old and 4.5 year old) and we're in our early to mid 40s. We are struggling because we always wonder why things are so hard. My DH has these hard lines of homecooked meals everyday, but he doesn't know why it always falls on him to do it (when he's the one who works from home and I have the 30-40 minute, each way commute which includes dropping off and picking up the two younger kids at the nearby in-home daycare). I think I need to read him this thread so he knows that no, we're not the only ones and no, we're not dumb for not having figured things out when we don't get additional help because he doesn't want to spend the money.

Why don't you spend the money then? Why do you have to get his permission for extra help? Just do it. Home cooked meals every day is unrealistic unless one parent doesn't work. I might cook two home cooked meals a week and they are easy CrockPot meals where you dump stuff in in the morning. There are leftovers so that takes care of 4 days each week. We usually do breakfast for dinner once a week and some frozen lasagna or something like that once a week. Takeout or going out to eat takes care of the last day each week.

NP. I want to thank all of those who shared their experiences of feeling overwhelmed and exhausted by parenting as we age. It helps so much to know that we aren't alone.

I'm in my mid-50s with my last kid about to leave for college. Looking back, I have many regrets about these last ten years in terms of how much my own exhaustion and unrealistic expectations for myself interfered with my ability to be a good parent. I did my best, but I could have done so much better if I had been more proactive about addressing chronic sleep deprivation. When my kids and I were younger, sleep deprivation was largely a product of having three kids and an overly complicated life (including a demanding job). However, as I aged and approached menopause, I simply couldn't sleep, which caused me to be irritable, less effective in every area of my life, and gain significant weight.

If you are going through this, you absolutely have to prioritize a healthier life, starting with adequate sleep. Sure, some people can get by with limited sleep, but others of us can't. Make sleep a priority, and keep seeking answers from doctors if you are struggling. Don't criticize yourself or feel that it is a personal failure if you are having trouble managing everything, especially if you have two or more kids, don't WFH, and/or can't afford help. Good luck.

This is such a sad thread. I think more parents need to think like that airline message of putting your own oxygen masks on first.

We are a dual career family and both have demanding very senior jobs. We also have stress (money, parent health, normal teenage issues), but we also have way more joy in our lives. I don’t feel exhausted.

Parenting kids shouldn’t make us all miserable and exhausted (with a caveat of there are special needs kids involved, this Pollyanna statement probably doesn’t apply around the exhaustion bit).

My guess is that you work more and do more in the house. Even if DH is helping, does he do all the cooking, driving, shopping, bills, planning, camps, cleaning, laundry, etc... My guess is he is doing 25% and you find that good enough.

At some point women wanted a FT career, a family, and a big home, but the problem is you can't have it all. You don't have the hours to do it all. So you either outsource things with your income or you find a job that you aren't out of the house for 11 hours every day.

You are going down a path of serious regret

I hope younger parents read this. This might be helpful for them. Your body naturally ages and when you keep piling stuff on, you are going to get tired faster. I know it’s nobody’s business when or how many kids you have but unless you have lots of money to buy help, having kids in your 40s probably will cause this exhaustion. Then you have nearly 20 years ahead of you at a time when your body is slowing down. Of course there are exceptions to the rule and many DCUMs are in awesome shape but if you don’t have the money to buy the help so you can have time to rest or exercise, you’re going to be tired.

Also please check out Fair Play life.com for all the mental load and division of labor discussions.

NP... Although I hate we're all in the same boat, it's good to see that I'm not alone. And we have young kids (4 month old, 20 month old and 4.5 year old) and we're in our early to mid 40s. We are struggling because we always wonder why things are so hard. My DH has these hard lines of homecooked meals everyday, but he doesn't know why it always falls on him to do it (when he's the one who works from home and I have the 30-40 minute, each way commute which includes dropping off and picking up the two younger kids at the nearby in-home daycare). I think I need to read him this thread so he knows that no, we're not the only ones and no, we're not dumb for not having figured things out when we don't get additional help because he doesn't want to spend the money.

Anonymous wrote:I am 45 with an 8 year old. I am already searching for boarding schools for her middle school to high school years. I am absolutely exhausted. I am worried that I won't be able to keep up with her in the future. I fall asleep before she does every night. I must take naps everyday from 2-3pm. After cleaning, washing, caring for myself and other life events, I have nothing left.

I often forget things and put things in the wrong places. I am mentally drained. I am also a single parent. My kid cannot participate in any after school activities unless the hours are 3pm-5pm. I will not enroll her in any evening activities. We are in the bed each night by 9pm. We start winding down at 8pm.

8 year olds are some of the easiest kids around unless they have an illness or disability. The only thing that would change if your child went away is that you could sleep all day. There is no way an 8 year old is causing that kind of exhaustion.

I'm a 51 year old with two kids, 18 and 15, one of whom has autism. I used to dream about what it would be like to have two neurotypical kids. How much energy for life I would have! How much love I would feel for my partner! How much time just to do whatever the hell I want! After reading all these replies, I'm not going to feel one ounce of guilt for how exhausted I am every day.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:10.5 hours is a normal work day plus commute. I don't get what the issue is here. OP is lucky to have a partner who can do all of the stuff with the kids. Most parents are both out of the house these hours for jobs that require you to be in person (there are many of those types of jobs).

10.5 hours a week out of house, 5 days a week for both parents being normal is being called into question lately, and rightfully so.

OP, I would question your assumptions about having to work that much. Do you HAVE to do the after school program? Is there a way to work less? Or can you, DH and kids divvy up the work more and outsource some things you thought might be too expensive or yourself not worthy of?

If a friend came to you and said they were exhausted but we’re still trying to work as much as you are, would you tell them to keep working as much as you are? Be kind to yourself.

Do I have to work that much? If I want to pay the bills I do. I’m a single parent. I do everything because I dint have a choice. Teaching doesn’t pay enough for me to quit the after school job.

I think the poster at 9:49 is conflating a couple different people. I’m OP and don’t work an after school program. I don’t think my work hours are excessive but my profession can’t be done remotely. And my husband does WFH.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So you were like 36 and 38 when you had your kids? I think this is what happens when you have kids later in life. I understand circumstances happen and a lot of people aren’t having kids younger but that means you are in the thick of things in your late 40s early 50s. That is a lot and exhausting!

Good luck to you - I would make sure you try and prioritize some fitness, sleep and eating well.

I disagree with this and I had my kids fairly early - 31, 34, and 35. My kids are still very young but my husband and I are killing ourselves right now between work and kids and despite HHI being $760K we feel behind a lot of our oldest child's friends parents who had kids when they were older and had more savings and a larger HHI when they started having kids. Unless you have your children really young or really old your max earning years are going to be when your children need you and that is inherently difficult to deal with because it's exhausting to both try to perform well at work and be an involved parent and on top of all that to try to sustain a great relationship with your spouse while also being physically active, looking attractive, maintaining friendships and family relationships, saving money/being financially savvy, planning trips, scheduling activities, making sure everyone has everything they need, etc. I wish we stopped at two kids even though I can't imagine life without my third and am so grateful that all of my kids are healthy and fairly easy but when I say this to my husband he reminds me that our life was also stressful with two kids. Two working parents and two or more kids is just really hard at any age.

If you feel like you aren’t bringing in enough with that income and need to stay on the hamster wheel to keep up a certain lifestyle-some of that is self imposed.

Anonymous wrote:I am 45 with an 8 year old. I am already searching for boarding schools for her middle school to high school years. I am absolutely exhausted. I am worried that I won't be able to keep up with her in the future. I fall asleep before she does every night. I must take naps everyday from 2-3pm. After cleaning, washing, caring for myself and other life events, I have nothing left.

I often forget things and put things in the wrong places. I am mentally drained. I am also a single parent. My kid cannot participate in any after school activities unless the hours are 3pm-5pm. I will not enroll her in any evening activities. We are in the bed each night by 9pm. We start winding down at 8pm.

That seems excessive. I’m 45 with a 13 and 11 year old and also feel exhausted. Perimenopause is a pain. But I sleep like 6-7 hours if I’m lucky. It sounds like you are actually rested but still very tired. Get labs done. Activities in MS and HS go on late FYI. I hope you find a solution besides shipping your kid off to boarding school.

Not much you can do if you’re in menopause though. This is one of the reasons why waiting to have kids is s bad idea.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:10.5 hours is a normal work day plus commute. I don't get what the issue is here. OP is lucky to have a partner who can do all of the stuff with the kids. Most parents are both out of the house these hours for jobs that require you to be in person (there are many of those types of jobs).

10.5 hours a week out of house, 5 days a week for both parents being normal is being called into question lately, and rightfully so.

OP, I would question your assumptions about having to work that much. Do you HAVE to do the after school program? Is there a way to work less? Or can you, DH and kids divvy up the work more and outsource some things you thought might be too expensive or yourself not worthy of?

If a friend came to you and said they were exhausted but we’re still trying to work as much as you are, would you tell them to keep working as much as you are? Be kind to yourself.

Do I have to work that much? If I want to pay the bills I do. I’m a single parent. I do everything because I dint have a choice. Teaching doesn’t pay enough for me to quit the after school job.

Ok, but you are not OP.

Never said I was. I’m responding to 9:49.