Anonymous wrote:OP, sounds like beggars can't be choosers. You have decided to "settle down" and now you have one taker. Do you have others lined up who are as good but make a lot more money? Sounds like you don't or have reason to believe you will.

Possibly.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In my previous career I went through two corporate takeovers and two layoffs and after the second I landed in a fed job. I had a path to GS14 and I knew the salary was sufficient at that grade so I made the tradeoff between pay and stability. I got married and one day my wife of 3 years broke down and declared I wasn't making enough money and that I wasn't giving her the life she wanted. She became constantly angry, uncooperative, and eventually moved out and we divorced.

Frankly, it was devastating to my sense of self-worth.

As a topped-out GS14 I'm bumping up on the fed pay cap and my peers from my pervious career are earning 100K more per year than I am. It is true there is a GIANT pay gap between feds and industry. Comparison is the thief of happiness so I try not to look (yeah, willful blindness). One woman I've dated generally referenced by GS salary before breaking things off and another looked it up and said "yeah, I don't know if the website is accurate but I don't see a future for us."

My conclusion is that for many women it isn't about love and family but rather about competition with other women to snag a "big fish" so they have bragging rights among other women. It's essentially a group of "besties" quietly judging each other over what they "have" and husbands are merely another accessory.

So, yeah, I don't think OP is a troll.

So, isn’t it a blessing for you, then, that your gov job effectively screens out the most shallow and superficial women?

What’s shallow or superficial about considering financial stability?

Anonymous wrote:Fed/Big Law only works when the Fed is the primary parent and has a job with either prestige or flexibility. If you don’t think this guy is primary parent/household material, it’s not a fit. Also if you will resent not being primary parent, it’s not a fit.

Agree with this. He better have amazing executive function and no hint of ADHD. BUT if he does, it could be a great setup.

Anonymous wrote:In my previous career I went through two corporate takeovers and two layoffs and after the second I landed in a fed job. I had a path to GS14 and I knew the salary was sufficient at that grade so I made the tradeoff between pay and stability. I got married and one day my wife of 3 years broke down and declared I wasn't making enough money and that I wasn't giving her the life she wanted. She became constantly angry, uncooperative, and eventually moved out and we divorced.

Frankly, it was devastating to my sense of self-worth.

As a topped-out GS14 I'm bumping up on the fed pay cap and my peers from my pervious career are earning 100K more per year than I am. It is true there is a GIANT pay gap between feds and industry. Comparison is the thief of happiness so I try not to look (yeah, willful blindness). One woman I've dated generally referenced by GS salary before breaking things off and another looked it up and said "yeah, I don't know if the website is accurate but I don't see a future for us."

My conclusion is that for many women it isn't about love and family but rather about competition with other women to snag a "big fish" so they have bragging rights among other women. It's essentially a group of "besties" quietly judging each other over what they "have" and husbands are merely another accessory.

So, yeah, I don't think OP is a troll.

So, isn’t it a blessing for you, then, that your gov job effectively screens out the most shallow and superficial women?

If you're a female with family money, why would you want to marry someone with money as a high priority on the list? Is your life going to change if you already have 20M and now you're married to a guy with 20M?

OP, sounds like beggars can't be choosers. You have decided to "settle down" and now you have one taker. Do you have others lined up who are as good but make a lot more money? Sounds like you don't or have reason to believe you will.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In my previous career I went through two corporate takeovers and two layoffs and after the second I landed in a fed job. I had a path to GS14 and I knew the salary was sufficient at that grade so I made the tradeoff between pay and stability. I got married and one day my wife of 3 years broke down and declared I wasn't making enough money and that I wasn't giving her the life she wanted. She became constantly angry, uncooperative, and eventually moved out and we divorced.

Frankly, it was devastating to my sense of self-worth.

As a topped-out GS14 I'm bumping up on the fed pay cap and my peers from my pervious career are earning 100K more per year than I am. It is true there is a GIANT pay gap between feds and industry. Comparison is the thief of happiness so I try not to look (yeah, willful blindness). One woman I've dated generally referenced by GS salary before breaking things off and another looked it up and said "yeah, I don't know if the website is accurate but I don't see a future for us."

My conclusion is that for many women it isn't about love and family but rather about competition with other women to snag a "big fish" so they have bragging rights among other women. It's essentially a group of "besties" quietly judging each other over what they "have" and husbands are merely another accessory.

So, yeah, I don't think OP is a troll.

You are grossly underestimating how viciously competitive women are out the opportunities for their offspring. Many in this area will not marry a man who cannot support a nice house and private school, alone or in cooperation with the wife.

Why put hypothetical kid's future above your present? If its such a big issue, don't bother with kids.

NP, but it being about "the kids" is a red herring. It is about ego, and the kids -- including the lifestyles and the kids' accomplishments -- are all part of the ego bump. It is a sad way to raise kids, but it is rampant in this area.

Anonymous wrote:I turned 32 this year and made a resolution to find someone to settle down with. Last month I hit it off with someone who seemed great. The problem is he’s civil service, GS-14.

Everyone I’ve dated in the past has been much higher income (private industry). I’m worried long term I’m going to be resentful if he can’t contribute to our lifestyle.

Should I cut him loose?

At least OP is thinking honestly, roping someone in and then ditching them once life gets tough, would he worse. A lot of women do this, settle and then act like a deer when reality headlights turn on.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In my previous career I went through two corporate takeovers and two layoffs and after the second I landed in a fed job. I had a path to GS14 and I knew the salary was sufficient at that grade so I made the tradeoff between pay and stability. I got married and one day my wife of 3 years broke down and declared I wasn't making enough money and that I wasn't giving her the life she wanted. She became constantly angry, uncooperative, and eventually moved out and we divorced.

Frankly, it was devastating to my sense of self-worth.

As a topped-out GS14 I'm bumping up on the fed pay cap and my peers from my pervious career are earning 100K more per year than I am. It is true there is a GIANT pay gap between feds and industry. Comparison is the thief of happiness so I try not to look (yeah, willful blindness). One woman I've dated generally referenced by GS salary before breaking things off and another looked it up and said "yeah, I don't know if the website is accurate but I don't see a future for us."

My conclusion is that for many women it isn't about love and family but rather about competition with other women to snag a "big fish" so they have bragging rights among other women. It's essentially a group of "besties" quietly judging each other over what they "have" and husbands are merely another accessory.

So, yeah, I don't think OP is a troll.

You are grossly underestimating how viciously competitive women are out the opportunities for their offspring. Many in this area will not marry a man who cannot support a nice house and private school, alone or in cooperation with the wife.

Why put hypothetical kid's future above your present? If its such a big issue, don't bother with kids.

Anonymous wrote:In my previous career I went through two corporate takeovers and two layoffs and after the second I landed in a fed job. I had a path to GS14 and I knew the salary was sufficient at that grade so I made the tradeoff between pay and stability. I got married and one day my wife of 3 years broke down and declared I wasn't making enough money and that I wasn't giving her the life she wanted. She became constantly angry, uncooperative, and eventually moved out and we divorced.

Frankly, it was devastating to my sense of self-worth.

As a topped-out GS14 I'm bumping up on the fed pay cap and my peers from my pervious career are earning 100K more per year than I am. It is true there is a GIANT pay gap between feds and industry. Comparison is the thief of happiness so I try not to look (yeah, willful blindness). One woman I've dated generally referenced by GS salary before breaking things off and another looked it up and said "yeah, I don't know if the website is accurate but I don't see a future for us."

My conclusion is that for many women it isn't about love and family but rather about competition with other women to snag a "big fish" so they have bragging rights among other women. It's essentially a group of "besties" quietly judging each other over what they "have" and husbands are merely another accessory.

So, yeah, I don't think OP is a troll.

Not an Internet troll, but a real human troll.

Op, these are compromises only you know if you are willing to make.

Do you work in big law but hope to quit big law if you have kids? Would you resent your spouse being the one able to be the primary parent? Could you go in house and get a better quality of life and have a decent combined HHI?

When do you want kids? Are you willing to keep searching to see if there’s a guy out there who’s everything your gs14 is, plus who’s in the private sector? Because you might miss your window then.

If you want to move, eventually you have to pick a house.

Anonymous wrote:In my previous career I went through two corporate takeovers and two layoffs and after the second I landed in a fed job. I had a path to GS14 and I knew the salary was sufficient at that grade so I made the tradeoff between pay and stability. I got married and one day my wife of 3 years broke down and declared I wasn't making enough money and that I wasn't giving her the life she wanted. She became constantly angry, uncooperative, and eventually moved out and we divorced.

Frankly, it was devastating to my sense of self-worth.

As a topped-out GS14 I'm bumping up on the fed pay cap and my peers from my pervious career are earning 100K more per year than I am. It is true there is a GIANT pay gap between feds and industry. Comparison is the thief of happiness so I try not to look (yeah, willful blindness). One woman I've dated generally referenced by GS salary before breaking things off and another looked it up and said "yeah, I don't know if the website is accurate but I don't see a future for us."

My conclusion is that for many women it isn't about love and family but rather about competition with other women to snag a "big fish" so they have bragging rights among other women. It's essentially a group of "besties" quietly judging each other over what they "have" and husbands are merely another accessory.

So, yeah, I don't think OP is a troll.

You are grossly underestimating how viciously competitive women are out the opportunities for their offspring. Many in this area will not marry a man who cannot support a nice house and private school, alone or in cooperation with the wife.

Not everyone wants to live up to their financial potential, reaching highest human potential is a goal too.

+1

A GS-14 who is intelligent, loving and sociable is far better than a big law, finance or tech narcissist who are law firm partner material but not life partner material. His compassion and sense of purpose may even help you become a better person, a relaxed parent and even a better professional.

I just saw that you are in Big Law OP. I posted at 10:56, but here is some unsolicited food for thought.

When I met my now husband I was on track to make partner at a large IT consulting firm in our non-federal business. I worked a lot so most of my socialization was with work people and our clients and I was surrounded by a level of wealth just seemed completely normal to me. News flash - it’s not normal for most people. It IS fun and aspirational if you didn’t grow up that way. It also sucks you in to a world where you assume you need to make $$$ because you have to pay for that lifestyle and that anything short of that lifestyle is living in a trailer and shopping at Walmart.

If you marry a GS 14 Fed you will meet his friends and coworkers who are not Big Law. They will be normal people who live in places like Vienna and Silver Spring. Your kids may go to public school. You will still go on nice vacations, just maybe not as many. You may even find you like his friends and coworkers and their lives aren’t so bad! Many of them have lives that are pretty great even!

If you intend to stay Big Law, the one thing you should consider is whether the GS 14 can hold his own at dinner parties and charity events - and is willing to schmooze to support you. I am married to a Fed, but he works on mission focused programs people have heard about (not IT, Finance or HR) and he is personable and well read. He’s actually way more interesting than me and my colleagues enjoy talking to him. He doesn’t want to play the game, but he supports me and plays along when I need him too.

If you cut him loose to save him from your incompatibility, it’s not a $ amount. It’s because of the comment you make about “his full potential”. Not everyone believes that their salary and/or job title is the best representation of their potential. If you feel like his lack of financial and professional ambition reflects poorly on you, it will not work out. However, you may find that his “full potential” is in being a great dad and a supportive spouse.

His beliefs may even rub off on you and unconsciously you may be afraid of that. Not just that he won’t “contribute to your lifestyle” but that you may change your lifestyle. Did you say you were 32? I was 33.5 when I got married and my whole life up to that point had been an exercise in checking boxes and chasing what I thought would fulfill me. Highest grades! Best university! Most prestigious consulting firm! I can report from the other side that you are more than your big law job and a list of accomplishments. If he makes you happy and he is the right person for you, you may find you can step off the path you have been imagining onto a different path without losing yourself in the process.