Anonymous
Post 07/06/2023 10:00     Subject: Dating after divorce big age gap with new gf
Anonymous wrote:Why would they be an assumption that an old dude wants kids? Who in their right mind would assume that? Is she a girl-child?


45 isn't old. Guys in their 40s have kids all the time.

And she's 32, not a girl child.

She knows who he is, and she obviously still thinks he's father material.
Anonymous
Post 07/06/2023 09:58     Subject: Re:Dating after divorce big age gap with new gf
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Amazing how many people on here are shooing you away from dating the younger, more beautiful woman.


They're all imagining the rage they would feel if they got divorced and their DH did that.


I would shoo him away in the best interest of the younger woman. She's at an age where if she wants kids, she should be dating men who want kids. I'd be furious if a man strung me along without telling me he didn't want kids.



You would be totally dependent on the man for the decision, and you wouldn’t be furious at yourself in any way for failing to take charge of your own life. 🙄


Not sure why you're saying this. I said I'd be furious if he strung me along without telling me he doesn't want kids.


Be furious at yourself. You were the one who chose to stay. You were the one who did not insist "marriage and kids now or I'm out."
Anonymous
Post 07/06/2023 02:28     Subject: Dating after divorce big age gap with new gf
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
This. Key point-- ONE kid. And only one stepkid. That's why they didn't get maxed-out and miserable. If OP's girlfriend says "I want my kids to be #3 and #4, and have less of their father's attention than they would if they were #1 and #2, and I want him to pay child support for many years to come, and I want to plan all our vacations around the big kids' school schedules, and I want to parent little kids by myself a lot of the time while their dad takes his older kids to activities, and I want my husband to be in frequent contact with his ex-wife"-- if she says all those things then totally go for it! Enjoy your sleepless infants and your toddler parenting-- it's much harder in your 40s.

That's not how it would actually work out, though. New wife's kids would get the better deal all-around. The dad has more money because he's more established in his work, is a more attentive father because he has a better understanding of work-life balance than when he was younger and trying to be successful, and is also probably a better partner to Wife #2 now that he knows what works (and what doesn't) from Marriage #1.

The younger kids and new-to-parenting Wife #2 will get the lion's share of his attention. He won't even be aware of this because he's actually is in love with Wife #2, while Wife #1 is now just some woman that he used to be married to. Still loves his kids from Marriage #1, but they are older, more independent and they have their mother, don't they? And his child support checks? He can't be in two places at once, and he lives with his Second Family.

You know all of this is true, which is why you're in this thread trying to advocate on behalf of the kids from Marriage #1. The only way a blended family works is if Wife #2 really wants to embrace the kids from Marriage #1. If it's tense and awkward with Wife #1, that probably will never happen and thus, the older kids won't feel part of Dad's new life and will drift away.


I mean in this case he already doesn’t parent the kids from marriage #1 so I doubt they’d notice a difference.
Anonymous
Post 07/06/2023 02:25     Subject: Re:Dating after divorce big age gap with new gf
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Amazing how many people on here are shooing you away from dating the younger, more beautiful woman.


They're all imagining the rage they would feel if they got divorced and their DH did that.


I would shoo him away in the best interest of the younger woman. She's at an age where if she wants kids, she should be dating men who want kids. I'd be furious if a man strung me along without telling me he didn't want kids.



You would be totally dependent on the man for the decision, and you wouldn’t be furious at yourself in any way for failing to take charge of your own life. 🙄


I know someone who “took charge of her own life” in this situation! Pulled the goalie without telling the guy she was dating. Now he has every-other-weekend custody and a child support payment.


The way women spin this stuff always cracks me up.


At least if OPs girlfriend did this they would both have been dishonest. Sucks for the kid but they’d absolutely deserve each other.
Anonymous
Post 07/06/2023 01:36     Subject: Dating after divorce big age gap with new gf
Anonymous wrote:
This. Key point-- ONE kid. And only one stepkid. That's why they didn't get maxed-out and miserable. If OP's girlfriend says "I want my kids to be #3 and #4, and have less of their father's attention than they would if they were #1 and #2, and I want him to pay child support for many years to come, and I want to plan all our vacations around the big kids' school schedules, and I want to parent little kids by myself a lot of the time while their dad takes his older kids to activities, and I want my husband to be in frequent contact with his ex-wife"-- if she says all those things then totally go for it! Enjoy your sleepless infants and your toddler parenting-- it's much harder in your 40s.

That's not how it would actually work out, though. New wife's kids would get the better deal all-around. The dad has more money because he's more established in his work, is a more attentive father because he has a better understanding of work-life balance than when he was younger and trying to be successful, and is also probably a better partner to Wife #2 now that he knows what works (and what doesn't) from Marriage #1.

The younger kids and new-to-parenting Wife #2 will get the lion's share of his attention. He won't even be aware of this because he's actually is in love with Wife #2, while Wife #1 is now just some woman that he used to be married to. Still loves his kids from Marriage #1, but they are older, more independent and they have their mother, don't they? And his child support checks? He can't be in two places at once, and he lives with his Second Family.

You know all of this is true, which is why you're in this thread trying to advocate on behalf of the kids from Marriage #1. The only way a blended family works is if Wife #2 really wants to embrace the kids from Marriage #1. If it's tense and awkward with Wife #1, that probably will never happen and thus, the older kids won't feel part of Dad's new life and will drift away.
Anonymous
Post 07/06/2023 00:38     Subject: Dating after divorce big age gap with new gf
That's not a big age gap at all
Anonymous
Post 07/06/2023 00:30     Subject: Dating after divorce big age gap with new gf
Anonymous wrote:You need to be very clear with her if you are done having kids.


This. Stop
wasting her time. If you don’t want to have kids that’s understandable. But you need to be honest.

She should be dating childless men in their thirties.
Anonymous
Post 07/06/2023 00:13     Subject: Dating after divorce big age gap with new gf
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Dude, she wants a baby insider her. With a stable man of means.

Use protection until you get snipped.

I have two toddlers with my wife. I can’t imagine getting my kids to age 10 and 12…and then starting all over again with a new infant. That’s being a glutton for punishment.


I didn’t regard raising kids as punishment. I had a blast. I’m not planning on doing it again, but a hot thirtysomething could probably talk me into it.


Plenty of hot 30-something’s in the wild who don’t want to talk you into a baby.

I’m in the messy guts of the child rearing years and you’re reminiscing with rose colored glasses. I’m early 40s right now and having a new baby at 50 would probably nearly kill me. No way would I have the bandwidth for that, especially if your older kids are becoming more independent and you’re getting to reclaim some of your personal time. No hot piece of tail could ever talk me into that.
Anonymous
Post 07/05/2023 23:50     Subject: Dating after divorce big age gap with new gf
Why would they be an assumption that an old dude wants kids? Who in their right mind would assume that? Is she a girl-child?
Anonymous
Post 07/05/2023 23:47     Subject: Re:Dating after divorce big age gap with new gf
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Amazing how many people on here are shooing you away from dating the younger, more beautiful woman.


They're all imagining the rage they would feel if they got divorced and their DH did that.


I would shoo him away in the best interest of the younger woman. She's at an age where if she wants kids, she should be dating men who want kids. I'd be furious if a man strung me along without telling me he didn't want kids.



You would be totally dependent on the man for the decision, and you wouldn’t be furious at yourself in any way for failing to take charge of your own life. 🙄


Not sure why you're saying this. I said I'd be furious if he strung me along without telling me he doesn't want kids.
Anonymous
Post 07/05/2023 23:42     Subject: Dating after divorce big age gap with new gf
Anonymous wrote:Dude, she wants a baby insider her. With a stable man of means.

Use protection until you get snipped.

I have two toddlers with my wife. I can’t imagine getting my kids to age 10 and 12…and then starting all over again with a new infant. That’s being a glutton for punishment.


I didn’t regard raising kids as punishment. I had a blast. I’m not planning on doing it again, but a hot thirtysomething could probably talk me into it.
Anonymous
Post 07/05/2023 22:38     Subject: Dating after divorce big age gap with new gf
Dude, she wants a baby insider her. With a stable man of means.

Use protection until you get snipped.

I have two toddlers with my wife. I can’t imagine getting my kids to age 10 and 12…and then starting all over again with a new infant. That’s being a glutton for punishment.
Anonymous
Post 07/05/2023 22:32     Subject: Dating after divorce big age gap with new gf
I don’t get it.
Anonymous
Post 07/05/2023 22:31     Subject: Re:Dating after divorce big age gap with new gf
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Amazing how many people on here are shooing you away from dating the younger, more beautiful woman.


They're all imagining the rage they would feel if they got divorced and their DH did that.


I would shoo him away in the best interest of the younger woman. She's at an age where if she wants kids, she should be dating men who want kids. I'd be furious if a man strung me along without telling me he didn't want kids.



You would be totally dependent on the man for the decision, and you wouldn’t be furious at yourself in any way for failing to take charge of your own life. 🙄


I know someone who “took charge of her own life” in this situation! Pulled the goalie without telling the guy she was dating. Now he has every-other-weekend custody and a child support payment.


The way women spin this stuff always cracks me up.
Anonymous
Post 07/05/2023 22:30     Subject: Dating after divorce big age gap with new gf
You are so sweet.