Anonymous
Post 07/07/2023 12:55     Subject: DS22's girlfriend is over ALL. THE. TIME.
They are probably not just GF-BF but BFFs as well. Its likely fun to spend time together and have a non-judgmental bond.
Anonymous
Post 07/07/2023 12:32     Subject: DS22's girlfriend is over ALL. THE. TIME.
My DD has a new GF and they try to spend ALL of their time together. I headed it off at the pass telling her, I don' want anyone over more than twice a week. We have a pretty large space but it has only 1 bathroom that is hard enough to deal with with us. They end up at the GF's house every day and night. I have no idea why her parents would allow that but that is on them. I would not allow this.
Anonymous
Post 07/06/2023 19:55     Subject: Re:DS22's girlfriend is over ALL. THE. TIME.

Interesting that no one has asked what her parents are doing --- they are getting plenty of FREE time in their own home. Personally, I think allowing GF to be over the house four days a week is still way too much as a regular expectation. When does your son spend time at her home? They both are likely a bit delayed in social skills and planning, but I would be encouraging them to get out of the house and try new things in the area and maybe develop one or two new interests or hobbies together. There are also lots of FREE things to do in the DMV every weekend so maybe share that idea, too. Sitting around someone's home does not really seem to challenge them to develop personally or as a couple much. She also needs to be encouraged to fill her day without BF once fall is here with school, volunteer work, part-time job etc.
Anonymous
Post 07/06/2023 08:47     Subject: DS22's girlfriend is over ALL. THE. TIME.
My HFA sibling never had a girlfriend and never went to college but always worked full- time and is now retired living on own with NO help from parents or government.
Anonymous
Post 07/06/2023 08:21     Subject: DS22's girlfriend is over ALL. THE. TIME.
Anonymous wrote:OP, I'll offer an alternative to what seems to being presented here which is 1) avert your eyes and suck it up or 2) lay down the law as you seem (understandably) resistant to both options.

The success of this depends on many factors, including the degree to which he is high functioning. First I'll add some nuance to option 2 and then present a strategy that is similar but a different framing.

1) Describe the current situation, sticking to the facts only. "You and Larla have been spending a lot of time together-- she has been here most of the day, nearly every day for the last 3 months"
2) Express your feelings about the situation. "This makes me uncomfortable because I am unable to relax/unable to hang in my PJS/feel distracted/etc."
3) Assert what you want and do not assume he will know what you want or can read your mind "Larla is welcome here no more than 4 days a week for 6 hours at a time."
4) Reinforce ahead of time by telling him what will happen if you get your wishes "I will stop nagging you about taking her home because I will be assured that I will have enough time to relax".

Now, with the Assert step, you could alternatively consider inviting a conversation about boundaries. "I'm finding myself cranky about Larla being here all the time as I'm unable to fully relax, feel there is a lack of privacy, etc. I'm not okay with things continuing as they are. How do you suggest we move forward? And then negotiate.

Good luck! It is tricky to balance your non-NT kid finding companionship and at the same time, you shouldn't have to so deeply compromise your happiness and values for your adult kid.


Thanks for this detailed and thoughtful response! We had the conversation with him yesterday and now everyone is clearer on boundaries and expectations.

To everyone saying we should make him get a job: Believe it or not, that had occurred to us too! (Years ago, in fact.) He will be starting a part-time one soon--just waiting on paperwork to clear some layers of bureaucracy. It won't be his first, but it will be the highest paid. Thank you for your interest.

Over and out,
OP



Anonymous
Post 07/05/2023 22:59     Subject: DS22's girlfriend is over ALL. THE. TIME.
Ultimatums aren't the right approach to deal with adult offspring. He graduated high school, got accepted into a college, is passing college course, has ability to have a happy relationship, learned driving and got a license, etc. He clearly is capable to get a job and live on his own. If you can provide support to start this process, it would be more helpful than providing a bed and a TV.
Anonymous
Post 07/05/2023 21:20     Subject: Re:DS22's girlfriend is over ALL. THE. TIME.
He is 22…. If he can handle a gf, he can handle a job. I don’t see what being on the spectrum has to do with anything. He is capable of school, capable of driving… he is capable of moving out. You created a complete handicapped child that is not able to thrive and now want to throw a fit. Give him 90 days to find a new place.
Anonymous
Post 07/05/2023 21:15     Subject: DS22's girlfriend is over ALL. THE. TIME.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:This is what happens when parents use the "on the spectrum" as an excuse for all negative behavior and characteristics.


This advice is not helpful


Definitely not helpful.
-- OP


But what will it take to give you the kick in the pants to put some expectations on your son? You can’t tell us he’s able to manage elements of college but cannot manage a basic summer job. Right now you’re setting him up to depend on you for everything forever. His eventual degree is not going to make him magically capable of a job when hes utterly unprepared emotionally, physically, and experientially for the workforce. If having him dependent on you is the reality you want, then expect that his natural adult physical desire for a partner is going to come as part of that. And if neither is going to have outside responsibilities, then congrats - just get used to them underfoot because they’re going to be in your house 24/7 forever.
Anonymous
Post 07/05/2023 20:59     Subject: Re:DS22's girlfriend is over ALL. THE. TIME.
Anonymous wrote:OP: I have no advice. Just want to write that I support your position. You have a right to privacy in your own home. It is stressful having guests.



Same. Very stressful when boundaries aren’t respected in your own home.
Anonymous
Post 07/05/2023 16:41     Subject: DS22's girlfriend is over ALL. THE. TIME.
OP, I'll offer an alternative to what seems to being presented here which is 1) avert your eyes and suck it up or 2) lay down the law as you seem (understandably) resistant to both options.

The success of this depends on many factors, including the degree to which he is high functioning. First I'll add some nuance to option 2 and then present a strategy that is similar but a different framing.

1) Describe the current situation, sticking to the facts only. "You and Larla have been spending a lot of time together-- she has been here most of the day, nearly every day for the last 3 months"
2) Express your feelings about the situation. "This makes me uncomfortable because I am unable to relax/unable to hang in my PJS/feel distracted/etc."
3) Assert what you want and do not assume he will know what you want or can read your mind "Larla is welcome here no more than 4 days a week for 6 hours at a time."
4) Reinforce ahead of time by telling him what will happen if you get your wishes "I will stop nagging you about taking her home because I will be assured that I will have enough time to relax".

Now, with the Assert step, you could alternatively consider inviting a conversation about boundaries. "I'm finding myself cranky about Larla being here all the time as I'm unable to fully relax, feel there is a lack of privacy, etc. I'm not okay with things continuing as they are. How do you suggest we move forward? And then negotiate.

Good luck! It is tricky to balance your non-NT kid finding companionship and at the same time, you shouldn't have to so deeply compromise your happiness and values for your adult kid.
Anonymous
Post 07/05/2023 16:19     Subject: Re:DS22's girlfriend is over ALL. THE. TIME.
As another parent of a child the same age with disabilities that have slowed his life progression (and who knows, maybe stunted it), my take away is this. Just be aware of unintended consequences. You may end up trading one set of problems for another so you want to be sure you prefer the new set of issues that will be on your plate.
Anonymous
Post 07/05/2023 16:16     Subject: DS22's girlfriend is over ALL. THE. TIME.
Are they having sex? In the house? What are they doing for 12 hours? Hanging out, playing video games? Behind closed doors in son's bedroom? What's going on?
Anonymous
Post 07/05/2023 16:12     Subject: DS22's girlfriend is over ALL. THE. TIME.
Anonymous wrote:Your son is not busy enough. Is he in school this summer? If not, why doesn’t he have a job? If no job, then chores it is! Start with the hard labor jobs—outside, for example, cutting grass, trimming shrubs,,painting a fence. Then, onto the inside jobs like painting a room.


+1

The issue isn’t really the girlfriend IMO- it’s that the son has way too much free time to sit around.
Anonymous
Post 07/05/2023 16:08     Subject: Re:DS22's girlfriend is over ALL. THE. TIME.
It actually seems that both of them have way too much idle time…most 22 year olds are BUSY with school/work, hobbies, socializing etc. You need to put your foot down and require him to get a job (or an internship, or extra classes to graduate earlier, or volunteer work related to his field of his study.. or SOMEthing productive). He shouldn’t be sitting around the house so much (with or without girlfriend). Also, maybe if he had $$ to spend, they would go out more…movies, dinner, etc.

Anonymous
Post 07/05/2023 15:24     Subject: DS22's girlfriend is over ALL. THE. TIME.
He should be working a little. But OP you said he is on the spectrum... And spending a ton of time with his girlfriend, I would think, isn't necessarily a bad thing. He may not have any close male friends and wants companionship.

Sincerely,
Mother of Daughter who also is high functioning ASD