Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's not rude to ask someone to help you move. It would be rude to just expect them to help, or to get angry if they said no. But it's not rude to ask.

It's also not rude to say "No, I don't want to." Like you don't need a good excuse or a conflict, you can just say that you don't want to move heavy boxes all day. It's fine.

A lot of the comments in this thread illustrate why sometimes even basic human interaction is weirdly difficult. You are all making it much harder than it needs to be.

(Also, OP's follow up indicates her real problem is that her DH has agreed to help his brother move, presumably because he wants to, and she's mad he won't be home to help her with things, which is actually a totally different issue that has nothing to do with whether it is appropriate for people in their 40s to ask for help with a move, but I digress.)

Ummm. Yes it is rude to ask. Are you that classless and clueless?

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Anonymous wrote:Obviously the problem is that OP wants her husband’s precious weekend time (fair) but it really has nothing to do with his brother having the audacity to ask any everything to do with your husband thinking it’s a reasonable request.

I think this is a cultural difference. Some people can’t dream of taking a cab home from the airport, or hiring out interior painting, or paying for movers. When you’re from a culture like that, you both request and offer eg airport pickup.

+1, OP's DH is obviously from a family where they are more likely to help each other move than spend money on movers. That's their choice.

OP wants everyone to say "yes, it's ridiculous to ask for help with a move at this age!" so she can go to her DH and say "see, everyone agrees this is ridiculous and your BIL is unreasonable." But the truth is that it's just a cultural difference and she needs to get over it.

You say culture, but it's really a money-thing. I don't know any white collar middle aged professionals who are doing DIY moving.

You don’t think class background is part of someone’s culture? Weird.

DP. No, you have people ascending to UMC from blue collar or immigrants in one or two generations here.

So what?

I went from LMC to UMC. My culture is still LMC.

Which culture is this?

I would call my culture rural PacNW LMC. And in my culture you don't hire movers.

Now, I personally hire movers, because I'm far from home. But I don't think it's the mortal offense to expect help that OP does.

Your children, raised UMC, will think differently. That is how upward mobility works. Your priorities change as they must to accommodate the demands of that socio-economic status.

I'm sure they'll be quite self-important about the value of their time like OP but I sure hope they're not so smug about it.

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Anonymous wrote:Obviously the problem is that OP wants her husband’s precious weekend time (fair) but it really has nothing to do with his brother having the audacity to ask any everything to do with your husband thinking it’s a reasonable request.

I think this is a cultural difference. Some people can’t dream of taking a cab home from the airport, or hiring out interior painting, or paying for movers. When you’re from a culture like that, you both request and offer eg airport pickup.

+1, OP's DH is obviously from a family where they are more likely to help each other move than spend money on movers. That's their choice.

OP wants everyone to say "yes, it's ridiculous to ask for help with a move at this age!" so she can go to her DH and say "see, everyone agrees this is ridiculous and your BIL is unreasonable." But the truth is that it's just a cultural difference and she needs to get over it.

You say culture, but it's really a money-thing. I don't know any white collar middle aged professionals who are doing DIY moving.

You don’t think class background is part of someone’s culture? Weird.

DP. No, you have people ascending to UMC from blue collar or immigrants in one or two generations here.

So what?

I went from LMC to UMC. My culture is still LMC.

Which culture is this?

I would call my culture rural PacNW LMC. And in my culture you don't hire movers.

Now, I personally hire movers, because I'm far from home. But I don't think it's the mortal offense to expect help that OP does.

Your children, raised UMC, will think differently. That is how upward mobility works. Your priorities change as they must to accommodate the demands of that socio-economic status.

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Obviously the problem is that OP wants her husband’s precious weekend time (fair) but it really has nothing to do with his brother having the audacity to ask any everything to do with your husband thinking it’s a reasonable request.

I think this is a cultural difference. Some people can’t dream of taking a cab home from the airport, or hiring out interior painting, or paying for movers. When you’re from a culture like that, you both request and offer eg airport pickup.

+1, OP's DH is obviously from a family where they are more likely to help each other move than spend money on movers. That's their choice.

OP wants everyone to say "yes, it's ridiculous to ask for help with a move at this age!" so she can go to her DH and say "see, everyone agrees this is ridiculous and your BIL is unreasonable." But the truth is that it's just a cultural difference and she needs to get over it.

You say culture, but it's really a money-thing. I don't know any white collar middle aged professionals who are doing DIY moving.

You don’t think class background is part of someone’s culture? Weird.

DP. No, you have people ascending to UMC from blue collar or immigrants in one or two generations here.

So what?

I went from LMC to UMC. My culture is still LMC.

Which culture is this?

I would call my culture rural PacNW LMC. And in my culture you don't hire movers.

Now, I personally hire movers, because I'm far from home. But I don't think it's the mortal offense to expect help that OP does.

Anonymous wrote:It's not rude to ask someone to help you move. It would be rude to just expect them to help, or to get angry if they said no. But it's not rude to ask.

It's also not rude to say "No, I don't want to." Like you don't need a good excuse or a conflict, you can just say that you don't want to move heavy boxes all day. It's fine.

A lot of the comments in this thread illustrate why sometimes even basic human interaction is weirdly difficult. You are all making it much harder than it needs to be.

(Also, OP's follow up indicates her real problem is that her DH has agreed to help his brother move, presumably because he wants to, and she's mad he won't be home to help her with things, which is actually a totally different issue that has nothing to do with whether it is appropriate for people in their 40s to ask for help with a move, but I digress.)

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's not rude to ask someone to help you move. It would be rude to just expect them to help, or to get angry if they said no. But it's not rude to ask.

It's also not rude to say "No, I don't want to." Like you don't need a good excuse or a conflict, you can just say that you don't want to move heavy boxes all day. It's fine.

A lot of the comments in this thread illustrate why sometimes even basic human interaction is weirdly difficult. You are all making it much harder than it needs to be.

(Also, OP's follow up indicates her real problem is that her DH has agreed to help his brother move, presumably because he wants to, and she's mad he won't be home to help her with things, which is actually a totally different issue that has nothing to do with whether it is appropriate for people in their 40s to ask for help with a move, but I digress.)

Ummm. Yes it is rude to ask. Are you that classless and clueless?

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Anonymous wrote:
Am I alone in thinking that by your forties, you should be willing to hire professional movers, especially if you have a professional job? Is it wrong that I find this expectation to help annoying? There’s no good way of politely declining with an excuse when someone says - we’ve taking 3 weeks in June to move, which weekend do you want to help run boxes over to the new house? I can’t exactly say I’m busy all day every weekend for 3 weeks.

Are you gonna melt snowflake??

If you do any social activities with these people, it won’t cost you anything to go pack some boxes.

Is your time free? Do you give away free labor? Most people don't. Nothing in life is free and you may get injured in the process. Just say no because it's not something people in their 40s should have to do to spare cheap family a few bucks.

My time at s not free, but who can you rely on if not on family? What happens when op needs some help and she can’t find any paid help on time, and ends up asking bil and sil?

Anonymous wrote:It's not rude to ask someone to help you move. It would be rude to just expect them to help, or to get angry if they said no. But it's not rude to ask.

It's also not rude to say "No, I don't want to." Like you don't need a good excuse or a conflict, you can just say that you don't want to move heavy boxes all day. It's fine.

A lot of the comments in this thread illustrate why sometimes even basic human interaction is weirdly difficult. You are all making it much harder than it needs to be.

(Also, OP's follow up indicates her real problem is that her DH has agreed to help his brother move, presumably because he wants to, and she's mad he won't be home to help her with things, which is actually a totally different issue that has nothing to do with whether it is appropriate for people in their 40s to ask for help with a move, but I digress.)

Anonymous wrote:Sheesh, it’s family. If they are asking for help, you help. Not like this will happen often!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Make a trade-off - BIL commits to weekend of yard work at your house or does the oil changes and car washes for your cars for the summer and DH helps with the move.

Or do what most normal human beings would do. Be generous and know that your BIL will reciprocate when the time comes.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Am I alone in thinking that by your forties, you should be willing to hire professional movers, especially if you have a professional job? Is it wrong that I find this expectation to help annoying? There’s no good way of politely declining with an excuse when someone says - we’ve taking 3 weeks in June to move, which weekend do you want to help run boxes over to the new house? I can’t exactly say I’m busy all day every weekend for 3 weeks.

Are you gonna melt snowflake??

If you do any social activities with these people, it won’t cost you anything to go pack some boxes.

Is your time free? Do you give away free labor? Most people don't. Nothing in life is free and you may get injured in the process. Just say no because it's not something people in their 40s should have to do to spare cheap family a few bucks.

Anonymous wrote:Make a trade-off - BIL commits to weekend of yard work at your house or does the oil changes and car washes for your cars for the summer and DH helps with the move.