Anonymous wrote:OP, I stumbled across your story after discovering some serious lying with my husband. Hope you are doing well. If you are able, would love to read an update on what happened with the attempted reconciliation.

I'm not vacation wife, but I've shared bits of my story here from time to time.

My stbx (spoiler alert, lol) had an affair 10 years ago, and I thought we had reconciled, but the truth is that he didn't do the work. He thought he did, he said he did, but he is still conflict-avoidant, self-absorbed, lacking in self-awareness, and in denial about his drinking problem. All I expected with regards to the affair was that he would listen and respond if I had a trigger or moment of sadness, and that he would not interact alone or secretly with women. Not a huge ask, obviously. But just everything he does in life feels like a huge sacrifice to him because he has very little emotional resilience.

For example, the kids and I arrived back from a trip this week and the kids were going to him, and he explained very harriedly and self-importantly how he had carved out 6:15 to 7:15 to be with the kids in between his two events (one of which was a fancy fundraiser he invited his girlfriend to). And then he only (!) stayed at the second event for two hours, give him a cookie. I told my kids very neutrally about his schedule and my 15 year old said, "He's only with us for one hour? Lame." But if you talked to him you would have to absorb his solid belief that he was being a good father by stopping at home for an hour.

I won't lie, I was blindsided when he left me in September. I had tried to make my peace with our relationship. I spoke up when I wanted or needed something (though I shrank that down to the bare minimum because of his having very little to give). We had plenty of regular sex, never fought (because I have endless patience and he never says what he feels). And then suddenly, he said he was unhappy and left. He didn't want to go to counseling. It made no sense, except of course, there was another woman. Her husband contacted me after six weeks and we pieced it all together. (We're best friends now, lol.)

We are complex creatures, right? I know that I was doing my best with what I knew and could see at the time. I was a good wife and I have no regrets on that front. Going forward, I hope I will be more empowered to reject a situation that doesn't serve me. I met stbx when I was 18 and we grew up together, or . . . I grew up, and he really didn't. It was fun drinking a lot and going out all the time in our 20s. It's stupid now that we're in our 40s with kids.

One thing that is a double-edged sword is removing myself as a buffer between him and the kids. I smoothed a lot of things, anticipated the ways that he would drop the ball, explained how to "human" to him. And now I'm removed from the equation and he lets them down, mixes things up, never takes responsibility, overreacts, etc. So my kids see him more clearly. They have that wound of him not being a safe, stable space they can take for granted. But also, that was always an illusion, right? So now they can understand his issues and choose better for themselves.

For me personally, it's been incredibly hard but also full of joy and hope. I have a lot of self-esteem and I know I deserve/d better, but that doesn't short-cut the grief at losing what I tried so hard to hang on to. I'm learning how much I shrank myself down to fit the very small box he put me in.