I’m one of the “it’s no big deal” PP’s and I should add that I don’t cook or host. Either my in-laws host (if they want to, normally they do) or we go out. I wouldn’t host because that would be unpleasant for me, but I’m flexible on the rest.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So to recap: Husbands who are thoughtless most of the year are expected to make up for it all on this one day, or their wives feel a year’s worth of disappointment on one day. Husbands who are in general thoughtful and appreciative are off the hook. Sound about right?

LMFTFY

Husbands who are bad sons all year try to make up for it on the one day a year when they should be celebrating the mother of their children. They decide their mom's feelings matter more than their wives.

Men whose moms live too far away to visit get let off the hook.

Nah. If they are a good husband the whole rest of the year and their wife is a reasonable person, she doesn’t need to dig her heels in and be mad. I’d rather he cater to his mother this one day and cater to me the other 364, which is what happens.

My DH is wonderful but it stings a bit. I see other moms waking up to gifts from their little kids, breakfast in bed and flowers their kids picked.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So to recap: Husbands who are thoughtless most of the year are expected to make up for it all on this one day, or their wives feel a year’s worth of disappointment on one day. Husbands who are in general thoughtful and appreciative are off the hook. Sound about right?

LMFTFY

Husbands who are bad sons all year try to make up for it on the one day a year when they should be celebrating the mother of their children. They decide their mom's feelings matter more than their wives.

Men whose moms live too far away to visit get let off the hook.

Nah. If they are a good husband the whole rest of the year and their wife is a reasonable person, she doesn’t need to dig her heels in and be mad. I’d rather he cater to his mother this one day and cater to me the other 364, which is what happens.

OP might be onto something but I've already been roped into either hosting my MIL or traveling to meet my MIL for Mother's Day, and am fully aware that either option will pretty much eliminate any chance I have of getting to spend the day in a way I might enjoy. Not because I dislike my MIL -- I actually like her a lot and want her to have a good day. But because the dynamics in my DH's family, especially around my BIL (who will be present either way) are exhausting for everyone.

But I've decided to just take off a day in the week following Mother's Day, leave DH to handle pick-up and dinner, and go see a movie and get a massage.

I don't care about getting gifts for Mother's Day.

I will buy myself flowers if no one else does. Sometimes DH does, sometimes he doesn't. It's okay either way.

Anonymous wrote:So to recap: Husbands who are thoughtless most of the year are expected to make up for it all on this one day, or their wives feel a year’s worth of disappointment on one day. Husbands who are in general thoughtful and appreciative are off the hook. Sound about right?

LMFTFY

Husbands who are bad sons all year try to make up for it on the one day a year when they should be celebrating the mother of their children. They decide their mom's feelings matter more than their wives.

Men whose moms live too far away to visit get let off the hook.

Anonymous wrote:So to recap: Husbands who are thoughtless most of the year are expected to make up for it all on this one day, or their wives feel a year’s worth of disappointment on one day. Husbands who are in general thoughtful and appreciative are off the hook. Sound about right?

I would add… some women grow up and realize there’s more important parts of life than these petty, made up holidays. Some don’t.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This whole thread is triggering to me. Frankly at this point I think I just might make myself a hotel reservation and spa reservation for the whole weekend. I absolutely just cannot have another awful mother's day. I don't want to travel and stay at MILs (packing up kids, baby screaming for hours in the car and not doing a single thing that I like). I'm so grateful that my mom and I celebrate on a different day. DH is too much of a wimp to make that happen.

There is zero reason to be "triggered" when you could be making yourself a reservation *right now* and telling--not asking--DH that this is how it is going to be, and if he wants to take kids to see his mom, have at.

The truth? I don't like disappointing people. So I try to go with the flow. Then later I get upset that I never get anything I want, that I'm doing all the work, and that I'm a doormat.

My options are to either disappoint everyone or disappoint myself.

So to recap: Husbands who are thoughtless most of the year are expected to make up for it all on this one day, or their wives feel a year’s worth of disappointment on one day. Husbands who are in general thoughtful and appreciative are off the hook. Sound about right?

We don’t “do” Mother’s Day, or Father’s Day, or Valentine’s Day. Even birthdays and anniversaries are just “where should we have dinner on Saturday?” I’m so glad DH and I are on the same page about this. If my MIL wants to make a dinner reservation somewhere on the second Sunday of May, what do I care? We gotta eat somewhere.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do many expectations on this one day? I’ve come to accept that holidays are not fun for anyone. I just let whoever feels strongly about something be the conductor and show up when expected, eat the food, give the hugs and leave.

My husband and child are wonderful to me and I don’t need this dumb day where I feel like they have to choose between all of the women in their lives lol.

Many of us do not have "many expectations" other than our DH to be the ones to show some thoughtfulness and do ANYTHING that doesn't require us to plan it. That is not a lot to ask.

Have you thought about telling him that? I’m a mother and don’t give a crap about some dumb Sunday where I’m supposed to feel “appreciated”.

Anonymous wrote:Why do many expectations on this one day? I’ve come to accept that holidays are not fun for anyone. I just let whoever feels strongly about something be the conductor and show up when expected, eat the food, give the hugs and leave.

My husband and child are wonderful to me and I don’t need this dumb day where I feel like they have to choose between all of the women in their lives lol.

This is where I landed too, many many years ago. My husband defers to my wishes 98% of the time. His mother is a PITA on this day, and he loves me even more because I just let her have her way that day, and he gets to be the golden boy with her. It’s no sweat off my back, truly and in fact I’m the hero.

Anonymous wrote:Why do many expectations on this one day? I’ve come to accept that holidays are not fun for anyone. I just let whoever feels strongly about something be the conductor and show up when expected, eat the food, give the hugs and leave.

My husband and child are wonderful to me and I don’t need this dumb day where I feel like they have to choose between all of the women in their lives lol.

Many of us do not have "many expectations" other than our DH to be the ones to show some thoughtfulness and do ANYTHING that doesn't require us to plan it. That is not a lot to ask.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you forgetting how much conflict comes from different generations of mothers within the same family having opposing wishes for how to spend the day? What is your practical advice for a husband whose mom wants to spend the whole day visiting with all of her children and grandchildren and have dinner at home, while his wife wants to sleep in, have an outing with her kids, and then go out to dinner?

The mother who is currently actively mothering gets priority.

In your opinion — but the fact is that there will be numerous posts from women whose husbands did something thoughtful for their own mothers, but nothing for the mother of their children.

NP. Yes, that’s why this post makes the point that there is still time to sit down with your spouse and have a conversation about how you want the day to go.

Yes, because no one ever posts here that they told their husband exactly what they wanted and he didn’t do it.

My point is simply that there will be complaints. You can’t solve this problem by telling people what to do 3 weeks in advance and saying “no excuses, no whining.”

90% percent of the whining is for stuff that was 100% preventable with some planning and communication. Especially the total woe-is-me types who expect people to read their minds and are like “even some take-out would have been nice.” Like hand him a menu and a phone.

Yeah if you were with a partner who is 100% dependent on you for all planning and be surprised when they don't make any plans without your support

Anonymous wrote:This whole thread is triggering to me. Frankly at this point I think I just might make myself a hotel reservation and spa reservation for the whole weekend. I absolutely just cannot have another awful mother's day. I don't want to travel and stay at MILs (packing up kids, baby screaming for hours in the car and not doing a single thing that I like). I'm so grateful that my mom and I celebrate on a different day. DH is too much of a wimp to make that happen.

There is zero reason to be "triggered" when you could be making yourself a reservation *right now* and telling--not asking--DH that this is how it is going to be, and if he wants to take kids to see his mom, have at.

This Martyr's Day post--ooops!!!! I mean mothers day post is totally ridiculous!!!!