Anonymous
Post 04/18/2023 13:01     Subject: Is this a legitimate reason for a divorce?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Op again- the friend issue is easily identifiable if he reads this so I don’t want to give as much detail, but basically was a close friends surprising and verbally aggressive attack toward me for feeling slighted from an event. Both my husband and I were at fault for the perceived slight, but the friend chose me to attack and my husband threw me under the bus and let me take the heat. He was present when it occurred.


OP you need to go to a therapist and explore whether you have borderline personality. “Getting attacked for feeling slighted at an event then attacking my DH for not defending me from the attack” is classic.



Op- I just reread what I wrote and agree it is confusing to readers. The situation that occurred was that the friend felt slighted by my husband and I about an event we were hosting. The friend then suddenly and surprisingly verbally attacked us (mostly me) and my husband retreated, i assertively stood up for us in the moment, and then my husband criticized me at home in private for defending us.

Define “verbally attacked” for the class. This friend raised his voice, cursed, said cruel and nasty things unprovoked etc. about a slight by close friends? Did you guys leave immediately after this attack?


Raised his voice, got red in the face, called us “clueless and selfish”. It was a weird and surprising situation. It caught both of us 100% by surprise.


OMG, this is not a vicious attack, by any stretch. Gimme a break.
Anonymous
Post 04/18/2023 12:56     Subject: Re:Is this a legitimate reason for a divorce?
Anonymous wrote:It’s not 1950; women don’t have to eat sh*t & pretend to like it anymore. You don’t have to stay married to this guy OP.


you have issues. consider getting therapy.
Anonymous
Post 04/18/2023 12:53     Subject: Re:Is this a legitimate reason for a divorce?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Well it sounds like you have lost respect for your husband (rightfully so). Contempt is one of the four horseman signaling divorce. Another is resentment...which his lack of standing up for you is breeding. So the divorce is not about one argument with MIL and a second with another friend. It's a sign of a deeper issue (respect, or lack thereof) which is a valid reason for divorce if it cannot be repaired with counseling.


(What are the other 2?)


Four horsemen per marriage researcher John Gottman are stonewalling, contempt (ie lack of respect), criticism and defensiveness. His research shows that presence of these are warning signs of later divorce. I think OP definitely should resume marriage counseling to work on this much deeper issue with DH. It’s not about these two vignettes. She thinks her husband is a wimp (which he may be) and that is problematic.
Anonymous
Post 04/18/2023 12:52     Subject: Is this a legitimate reason for a divorce?
Anonymous wrote:I imagine the Jewish comment was deleted by the moderators. Good job, guys (or girls).


The point of dcum is to get unvarnished truths

Unfortunately too many people can’t handle that and need to be protected
Anonymous
Post 04/18/2023 12:20     Subject: Is this a legitimate reason for a divorce?
Anonymous wrote:DH and I have been married 15 years, 4 kids together. He is a family physician and I work part time and take care of the kids. Last year, we had a huge bombshell that went off in our marriage when my MIL suddenly and viciously attacked me and he did not defend me. He is a passive, conflict adverse, easy going person and struggles to stand up for himself or for me when we're attacked or criticized. This is very hard for me to accept as I truly value having a passionate partner who will have my back when needed.

We spent the last year in a lot of therapy to heal the rift. He has been coached by the therapist to be more assertive/aggressive to defend us. I thought that the problem had been fixed and was feeling overall positive about the situation. However, last week a similar incident with another person occurred and my DH repeated the same hide in his turtle shell, then come out to criticize me for my actions behaviors after the fact that caused us to have such a deep crisis a year ago. When I confronted him about it, he expressed regret but says at this point I need to accept who he is and how he reacts to conflict.

At this point, I feel done with this relationship. I dont want to spend my life married to a wimpy man. It almost seems better to be alone since I do feel alone in handling life's difficulties.

However, there is no abuse, no drinking, no adultery. We have a good sex life and an overall happy family life.

Advice appreciated. Thanks!


Only read the first post (OP's) in this thread.

OP: Why are people criticizing or attacking you ?

Maybe your husband agrees with the criticisms.

OP: Your words suggest that you are a demanding person with a great life who attacks/criticizes her DH for no valid reason; maybe you should rethink your behavior & ask why others are attacking/criticizing you. Bluntly speaking, I would understand such a post from your DH, but from you, it just seems to justify why others are not as impressed with you as you are with yourself.
Anonymous
Post 04/18/2023 12:14     Subject: Is this a legitimate reason for a divorce?
Anonymous wrote:Thanks, all, for talking some sense into me. He’s not a bad guy and it’s not worth blowing up my marriage over. Maybe some more marital therapy would be a good idea.

I especially appreciate the person who says that he a person is not the sum of his mistakes. He has tried hard to fix the MIL thing but at his core, when attacked, he is a hippy dippy, conflict adverse wimp. I did know this when I married him (stupidly hoped it would change).


NP - I agree with most of the other PPs here in that I wouldn't divorce over this. But I think that, if you have to accept that this is just "who he is" and know that he won't defend you, then he has to accept "who you are" and know that you will defend yourself and your family. I know -- believe me -- how much it sucks to think that your spouse has a particular trait that's important to you, and to find out that he actually doesn't and you'll have to be that person for yourself. But it is good to know that you can rely on yourself to have your own back.
Anonymous
Post 04/18/2023 12:08     Subject: Re:Is this a legitimate reason for a divorce?
Anonymous wrote:Well it sounds like you have lost respect for your husband (rightfully so). Contempt is one of the four horseman signaling divorce. Another is resentment...which his lack of standing up for you is breeding. So the divorce is not about one argument with MIL and a second with another friend. It's a sign of a deeper issue (respect, or lack thereof) which is a valid reason for divorce if it cannot be repaired with counseling.


(What are the other 2?)
Anonymous
Post 04/18/2023 12:06     Subject: Re:Is this a legitimate reason for a divorce?
OP I read your elaborations of what happened and I agree it’s not okay; I would be really upset too, and would not be able to just let it go. But I also wouldn’t get a divorce over it, if everything else is generally good - I’m not sure the grass would necessarily be all that much greener, and every partner has their flaws. I do understand why you’re upset though, based at least on your telling of the events. That said, I’m guessing there are lots of times/situations where it’s nice being married to someone who is a peacemaker, not overreactive or quick to argue, etc. - maybe try to focus on that?
Anonymous
Post 04/18/2023 12:04     Subject: Is this a legitimate reason for a divorce?
My MIL accused me of trying to seduce some children (friends of the family who were visiting - I got each of them a special gift from the air and space museum to remember their visit). My husband didn’t defend me.

There were numerous events in the years following where he didn’t show me any support when I needed it.

I have childhood scars (like we all do!) and mine are feeling like I don’t deserve love or to be treated with respect so I’m sure that factored into me letting these instances pass without confronting what they meant for me, for him and for our marriage.

15 years later and he left me for someone else.

No specific advice to you but in my experience someone who won’t defend their partner also might not really care much about their partner.
Anonymous
Post 04/18/2023 11:59     Subject: Is this a legitimate reason for a divorce?
Thanks, all, for talking some sense into me. He’s not a bad guy and it’s not worth blowing up my marriage over. Maybe some more marital therapy would be a good idea.

I especially appreciate the person who says that he a person is not the sum of his mistakes. He has tried hard to fix the MIL thing but at his core, when attacked, he is a hippy dippy, conflict adverse wimp. I did know this when I married him (stupidly hoped it would change).
Anonymous
Post 04/18/2023 11:58     Subject: Re:Is this a legitimate reason for a divorce?
Divorce is so hurtful for a family/kids. My own husband is exactly like yours. He would never defend me if MIL attacked me, & he would probably let me take the heat in the second situation you described. However, he is faithful, good dad, etc. This quality of being so conflict adverse that it seems cowardly & almost disloyal is annoying as hell, but honestly it's not worth divorcing over. Just accept that is who he is and try to appreciate the other things and move on. Please don't listen to these people encouraging divorce for this reason alone. Good luck, OP!
Anonymous
Post 04/18/2023 11:58     Subject: Re:Is this a legitimate reason for a divorce?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:No. You are crazy and sound very entitled. Also, are you independently wealthy? The life of a divorced mom and four kids with split households and the salary of a family physician will it go very far in this area. At all.

Set your own boundaries with your MIL if your husband will not.

Stunned by the stupidity of your question.



I have money from my wealthy father to fall back on and a graduate degree. I would have to downgrade lifestyle a bit but wouldn’t be in poverty.

The other person who attacked me was a male close couple friend. Not his mom.


You inherited a gargantuan outsized sense of self importance and unfortunately your monetary inheritance is empowering you to behave stupidly.
Anonymous
Post 04/18/2023 11:56     Subject: Re:Is this a legitimate reason for a divorce?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:No. You are crazy and sound very entitled. Also, are you independently wealthy? The life of a divorced mom and four kids with split households and the salary of a family physician will it go very far in this area. At all.

Set your own boundaries with your MIL if your husband will not.

Stunned by the stupidity of your question.


I’m assuming you view all divorcees this way?


No not in the slightest.
Anonymous
Post 04/18/2023 11:44     Subject: Re:Is this a legitimate reason for a divorce?
We don't all react the way we would like in a heated moment. If your husband is expressing regret, going to therapy, etc., then he's doing what he can to work on things. As a conflict avoidant person, he won't always get it right in the moment. I wouldn't divorce over this. I would just keep communicating about what I need and working on boundaries with MIL. He didn't defend you in one moment in the past, but how is he doing now? Remember, it's the sum total of all of his efforts, not just his failures.
Anonymous
Post 04/18/2023 11:34     Subject: Re:Is this a legitimate reason for a divorce?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I have a slightly different take on this. I expect my husband and I to be a team--he has got my back and I have got his. He would never allow his mother to viciously attack me, especially over a decision that we had made jointly (it sounds like this is the case for you?). He would let her know that we had made the decision together. Hell, even if he disagreed with me and thought I was wrong, he wouldn't let someone attack me. Unless you're spewing truly hateful racist/homophobic stuff, there is no reason to viciously attack someone. You can disagree without resorting to personal attacks.

If I were you, I would feel very alone in my marriage, and like I didn't have someone who was on my side. That wouldn't fly with me--I need a ride or die partner. We don't always have to agree, but we have to agree that our partnership comes first and we won't allow other people to treat either of us poorly. I would request that we re-enter marriage counseling to discuss this.


I don’t disagree with you, but you resolve this in years 1-5 before you have 4 kids. Once you have passively accepted this to the tune of 4 kids, getting divorced sounds nuts to me.


People with 4 kids are allowed to get divorced. That may come as a shock to you.


Absolutely. But I also think this lady focused on 2 events over many years is either being ridiculous or hiding the ball on what the actual issues are.