Just as I never did daycare for my children, I will never do assisted living or nursing home for my parents while I draw breath. Just as I hired a nanny, I will hire nurses to care for them in my home

We’re looking into residential assistant living instead of a facility for my grandmother.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP, "they are allowed alcohol", "petting zoo? It is a cross between jail and kindergarten. You are infantilized. When is the last time you wanted to go to a petting zoo, age 5. When is the last time you had to ask permission to have a drink? 18?

I'm with the person who said to just push me off a cliff before you lock me up in such an infantilising place.

What would you prefer instead?

Anonymous wrote:PP, "they are allowed alcohol", "petting zoo? It is a cross between jail and kindergarten. You are infantilized. When is the last time you wanted to go to a petting zoo, age 5. When is the last time you had to ask permission to have a drink? 18?

I'm with the person who said to just push me off a cliff before you lock me up in such an infantilising place.

Anonymous wrote:And what if they really should not be living alone and need assistance? My mother has been suffering through this situation with my uncle, her brother-in-law. He cannot live alone anymore. He has been very sick, multiple surgeries for various things. The family dynamic is complicated as my uncle is/was an alcoholic. My younger cousin is highly dysfunctional, no help at all. My older cousin is more responsible, but lives in another state. He really needs help, but doesn't want to spend the money. Doesn't want someone in the house, bc a visiting nurse told him that people in your home steal. What's the recourse? My mother helps out, but is not his wife and wants to enjoy her retirement. His wife, my mother's sister, is deceased. If it were up to me, we'd find him a place and put him in there, either close to my mom or older cousin. The situation is absurd. Oh, and sometimes he just faints...

The cousins cannot be of help even if functional if the parent wants no help. You cannot force it. How was he released after each surgery? Social work is not supposed to release to a home with no care.

This all is something I struggled with in therapy because I have a parent like this. I had to learn that this is the parent's choice. It will likely result in an ugly death from an accident, but it is the parent's free will. Said parent is truly rotting at home. I have seen so much better happen with family going to AL. Oh and the kicker is, I do believe there are cognitive issues, but have a sibling who convinced said parent not to undergo an evaluation all while sibling collects financial benefits. I have been doing the elderly parent and inlaw thing for close to a decade and have my own serious health issues now. I just cannot prevent the trainwreck.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It took my mom being isolated alone in a condo for a few years, sometimes not seeing or talking to anyone between my visits or calls to finally make the decision than an independent living facility may be a better option. And I moved her to one and she absolutely loved it and would say she wished she’d moved there years ago. She’s been experiencing cognitive decline and needs more help than she can get where she is currently living. She is anxious every day because she sees other people managing their worlds just find and she struggles. She’s embarrassed where she currently is and it’s definitely time to move her to assisted living. I found her a place very similar to where she is now but with the addition of a nursing staff and medication management. She’d be middle of the road in terms of needs, as opposed to the one everyone talks about when she gets confused about things. But she’s so incredibly resistant. Wants to get a lot of questions answered before she “agrees” to move and doesn’t seem to understand she HAS to move so it’s not a matter of if but a matter of where. She’s losing her mind and I’m losing my mind. Is there something about this generation that makes them lack self awareness?

Not unique to one generation.

It is developmental, and you might be exactly the same way.

Try not to judge.

You know not what she suffers.

I disagree to an extent. Anecdotally only I have noticed those who were involved with their parents enough understood the need to plan for aging with an appropriate setting and not expect their kids to be at their beckon call. Those who buried their heads in the sand and called the actual person involved "dramatic" are obsessed with aging in place at all cost and seem to think it's no trouble to call place a massive amount of stress on their children.

You can judge OP. Do whatever you need to cope. As long as OP is respectful toward her mother she can vent and share her resentment. She can also judge. Sometimes elderly parents are quite entitled. Better to let it out then hold it in and do yourself in.

OP is allowed boundaries too.

I don't think it is all developmental. There are things we can do to slow and possibly even prevent-eat health whole foods, socialize, exercise and stay active. If we know despite all this people tend to age into a mess, we can plan accordingly and involve our kids in the discussion.

Anonymous wrote:It took my mom being isolated alone in a condo for a few years, sometimes not seeing or talking to anyone between my visits or calls to finally make the decision than an independent living facility may be a better option. And I moved her to one and she absolutely loved it and would say she wished she’d moved there years ago. She’s been experiencing cognitive decline and needs more help than she can get where she is currently living. She is anxious every day because she sees other people managing their worlds just find and she struggles. She’s embarrassed where she currently is and it’s definitely time to move her to assisted living. I found her a place very similar to where she is now but with the addition of a nursing staff and medication management. She’d be middle of the road in terms of needs, as opposed to the one everyone talks about when she gets confused about things. But she’s so incredibly resistant. Wants to get a lot of questions answered before she “agrees” to move and doesn’t seem to understand she HAS to move so it’s not a matter of if but a matter of where. She’s losing her mind and I’m losing my mind. Is there something about this generation that makes them lack self awareness?

Not unique to one generation.

It is developmental, and you might be exactly the same way.

Try not to judge.

You know not what she suffers.

Anonymous wrote:PP, "they are allowed alcohol", "petting zoo? It is a cross between jail and kindergarten. You are infantilized. When is the last time you wanted to go to a petting zoo, age 5. When is the last time you had to ask permission to have a drink? 18?

Unfortunately, at least for my mom, she has become like a child. But a child that is incapable of learning or remembering things. I used to think the movie “50 First Dates” was a cute, funny movie. Now I’m living that as a caregiver. My mom told me that yesterday they had a singer at her place and she and three of the other ladies really enjoyed singing along. I’m not sure that’s what she would have told me when she was 60 or 70. She also called me crying last night because she doesn’t have a TV in her room (she has a 65” TV in her room). This is a typical day for her. You should have heard the ten minute conversation of me having to explain what the TV looks like and where to find the remote (and what that looks like- I’d previously bought her one that only has a power button and channel and volume controls because an actual remote was way too challenging). It’s almost unbelievable how childlike they become.

So for the PP who thinks they are being infantilized that’s just the nature of what some of them need at this stage in their lives. I really wish it weren’t this way and I somewhat envy those of you who will never have to live this. My dad died of cancer and in retrospect that was a much easier disease to deal with.

PP, "they are allowed alcohol", "petting zoo? It is a cross between jail and kindergarten. You are infantilized. When is the last time you wanted to go to a petting zoo, age 5. When is the last time you had to ask permission to have a drink? 18?

They are “allowed” alcohol? Well crap of course they should be “allowed” if they are over 21 and not in a hospital bed or something. They aren’t children.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I visit my 90 y.o. mother every 2 months in her Florida A.L. community. I sleep over for 2 to 4 nights when visiting so I fully experience the community. No drugging ever, lots to do, they have nice social events, happy hours, etc, a nice swimming pool, will take her out for errands and regular groups have a driver to take them out for lunch or dinner at the local restaurants. The people that work there are super nice and my mother is very happy living there. I know many residents now and they all enjoy living there. My mother much prefers this community living than living alone (and has no desire to live with me or my siblings). No negatives other than it is expensive...

This is great, but it sounds like your mom is in independent living. I don't think someone who needs assisted living would be swimming or going to happy hours.

My mom’s AL place has happy hour. They are allowed alcohol, they socialize, they take trips to the petting zoo and places other than the store. It isn’t like it used to be.

Whoever wrote this knows what they are talking about. So completely true! Thank you for explaining the experience we have as adults trying to care for aging parents who are resisting while we are drowning, trying to help and manage our own lives too. We definitely have empathy for them but maybe not enough of society is showing empathy for caregivers. We need it to. Many caregivers lives are a living hell trying to manage an aging relatives care while holding down FT work, our own families etc.

quote=Anonymous]

AL is very suitable and OP made it clear her mom is much happier there and wished she moved years ago. I think the issue is not OP having lack of empathy. She wanted her mom to be safe and happy not isolated and miserable. The issue is a lot of our elders bury their head in the sand, and have no empathy for what is to be an adult child with your own kids, illnesses, stressors and see mom miserable and in a bad situation rotting at home. They think hopping to for every emergency is no big deal because they either never it did it for their own parents or they did it with an empty nest and easier life. Once they are at AL it's easier to have enjoyable visits rather than constantly assessing if they can handle their current living situation. The AL will let you know when she needs more support.

People need to age around peers and have peer friends and they need to be doing social activities with those friends. The research strongly supports this. Family are not peers. Yes, we can be PART of their support network, but it not at all healthy for your family to be your only outlet. There is a power differential. Your adult child is never truly a friend because you know the buttons to push and have power. You need to be around peers who force you to keep up the social skills. Plus the more social outlets you have the more you can enjoy family when they visit rather than scare them off with depression, misery, guilt trips, pity parties, power plays, neediness. Social is key. The people I know who live long and happy have many friends and social activities.