My sister has a toddler who my parents have never met. She lives a few hours away from them. They texted that they were in the area on the baby’s first birthday (probably by chance, we don’t think they actually kept up with the birthdate). My sister invited them over for cake and to meet their grandchild, and they said no thanks, they were on vacation and didn’t want to mess up their schedule for the day. Whenever she gets upset that her friends have helper parents and she doesn’t have a built in sitter for emergencies, I sometimes ask if she’d actually want to leave her child with them after that. There’s no way I could trust someone who refuses to be involved at that level.

It took me a while to understand that she’s more upset that she doesn’t have the parents she needed as opposed to being upset that our parents won’t come visit or help out. Our parents are not the type most people would want caring for small children. I’m sorry for her that she’s dealing with those emotions, and that she’s still holding onto that sliver of hope that they'll change and that she feels anger every time they don’t. I’m getting a lot of that vibe off of OP’s posts. I hope you’re able to find some peace and let go of the anger.

All that said, I lived hundreds to thousands of miles from extended family when my kids were small. Even when we had family who wanted to help, the distance and everyone’s schedule usually didn’t allow for it. We had to do it ourselves or hire the help, and while it was frustrating and expensive, we survived. I wished things could be different, but I guess I don’t see the point of spending that much mental energy on being angry at people who won’t change and aren’t obligated to help, especially when I don’t actually like them or want to be near them.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
OP here. You must have reading comprehension issues.

No way I'd be getting on a plane to visit.

Your snark and anger is palpable. I empathasize with the stress of raising kids alone, but you can't even manage a moment of respectful interaction with all the people that have come to this thread to offer their advice or support. Me thinks there is more going on here and the ILs understand the warzone they'd be walking into without their son as a buffer.

I don't see snark. I see an exhausted mother. I hope she has a good support network 'cause her in laws are not 'it'. Her DH probably knows his parents are like that and is embarrassed.

No, OP is rude. Being a mother doesn't entitle you to be a jerk. Picking up the slack is not the ILs problem. OP and her DH need to figure something out for their own family. People have offered advice and OP has been less than appreciative. It's becoming quite clear why her ILs steer clear.

Where is she jerk? I am a grandmother too, I cannot comprehend how one doesn't inquire about their grandchildren even if they live in another state. Let alone when they are seriously sick. Have you seen how COVID affects little kids? It's a brutal disease. Not to call or text is mean. I don't know what the relationship is between OP and her ILs but all bygones are bygones when it comes to grandchildren.

Go to page 5 and reread some of OPs unkind responses. Also Covid is not brutal for young kids. You’re being dramatic for no reason.

OP: he was in a hospital. Sure didn't look brutal

BS. You would have included that in the OP if it was the case.

Now why would I give away ALL the details?

So you can add the ones that will make people feel sympathetic towards you, when the real issue is clearly that you are the source of the problem.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That is very annoying and not very sensitive of them. I learned something recently, though, when I expect people to act how I would in a similar situation, I often end up disappointed. They may not understand/grasp how hard it is for you. I think it’s OK to tell them things have been hard, but keep that a separate issue from the pictures.

My retired father is always sending pictures from where he is on vacation. It drives my siblings crazy. I think he’s just trying to share his life with us. But the issue is he doesn’t come visit the grandchildren, so it’s a hard pill for them to swallow when he’s on another vacation and won’t even come see them. That being said they haven’t asked him to, and they’re assuming he’s choosing a Caribbean island over them. He’s trying to keep in touch by sending pictures of where he is, because he’s not a good communicator otherwise. There’s an issue bc they’re not seeing it from the same perspective. I think if one of us sat him down and told him how what we thought he would feel just terrible! I really think the majority of family issues are from a realistic, expectation and unclear communication.

This is a really great post, PP. I used to be baffled by how little interest my MIL had in seeing my kids or helping out, and they live a mile away. I found her to be a complete joke of a grandmother compared to my mom. Over time, I realized she really thought she was involved because she came to their sporting events, even if she didn’t speak with them. This was apparently a lot more than her parents did for her or her kids. She wasn’t malicious or meaning to be neglectful, she just had no clue what an involved grandparent looked like.
cat
OP, your in-laws seem really selfish and careless of your feelings, but maybe it would help for you to reach out to them and ask for help with specific tasks.

See my post above. Before DH left for deployment, he asked for help. Explicitly. They changed the subject. They brought up that our kids are in daycare. They are not difficult kids. Even if you offered to spend a weekend with them, going to the zoo or a playground, it would be HUGE. My parents live in another country, they see their grandchildren once a year at most. But they make an effort, there are weekly facetime calls, they are engaging with them. This is just too much.

So what? You can fly from another country or another state. Why are letting your parents off the hook for not coming to help, and fumin at your ILs? If your parents wanted to come and help you, they could presumably come as well. I doubt they live in a remote tribe several days walk away from the nearest airport.

My parents still work for a living and they live on another continent. For them to get to DC area it would take 24+ hours.

Again, so what? They don't have vacation time? If they really wanted to come and help you, they could and they would. You're just looking for reasons to let them off the hook and blame your ILs.


--also have parents in another country

Have you considered just politely telling them you need help?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
OP here. You must have reading comprehension issues.

No way I'd be getting on a plane to visit.

Your snark and anger is palpable. I empathasize with the stress of raising kids alone, but you can't even manage a moment of respectful interaction with all the people that have come to this thread to offer their advice or support. Me thinks there is more going on here and the ILs understand the warzone they'd be walking into without their son as a buffer.

I don't see snark. I see an exhausted mother. I hope she has a good support network 'cause her in laws are not 'it'. Her DH probably knows his parents are like that and is embarrassed.

No, OP is rude. Being a mother doesn't entitle you to be a jerk. Picking up the slack is not the ILs problem. OP and her DH need to figure something out for their own family. People have offered advice and OP has been less than appreciative. It's becoming quite clear why her ILs steer clear.

Where is she jerk? I am a grandmother too, I cannot comprehend how one doesn't inquire about their grandchildren even if they live in another state. Let alone when they are seriously sick. Have you seen how COVID affects little kids? It's a brutal disease. Not to call or text is mean. I don't know what the relationship is between OP and her ILs but all bygones are bygones when it comes to grandchildren.

Go to page 5 and reread some of OPs unkind responses. Also Covid is not brutal for young kids. You’re being dramatic for no reason.

OP: he was in a hospital. Sure didn't look brutal

BS. You would have included that in the OP if it was the case.

Now why would I give away ALL the details?

You're just mad this isn't going the way you thought it would and are trying to drum up sympathy. Lying about your kid being in the hospital is pretty gross.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
OP here. You must have reading comprehension issues.

No way I'd be getting on a plane to visit.

Your snark and anger is palpable. I empathasize with the stress of raising kids alone, but you can't even manage a moment of respectful interaction with all the people that have come to this thread to offer their advice or support. Me thinks there is more going on here and the ILs understand the warzone they'd be walking into without their son as a buffer.

I don't see snark. I see an exhausted mother. I hope she has a good support network 'cause her in laws are not 'it'. Her DH probably knows his parents are like that and is embarrassed.

No, OP is rude. Being a mother doesn't entitle you to be a jerk. Picking up the slack is not the ILs problem. OP and her DH need to figure something out for their own family. People have offered advice and OP has been less than appreciative. It's becoming quite clear why her ILs steer clear.

Where is she jerk? I am a grandmother too, I cannot comprehend how one doesn't inquire about their grandchildren even if they live in another state. Let alone when they are seriously sick. Have you seen how COVID affects little kids? It's a brutal disease. Not to call or text is mean. I don't know what the relationship is between OP and her ILs but all bygones are bygones when it comes to grandchildren.

Go to page 5 and reread some of OPs unkind responses. Also Covid is not brutal for young kids. You’re being dramatic for no reason.

OP: he was in a hospital. Sure didn't look brutal

BS. You would have included that in the OP if it was the case.

Now why would I give away ALL the details?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That is very annoying and not very sensitive of them. I learned something recently, though, when I expect people to act how I would in a similar situation, I often end up disappointed. They may not understand/grasp how hard it is for you. I think it’s OK to tell them things have been hard, but keep that a separate issue from the pictures.

My retired father is always sending pictures from where he is on vacation. It drives my siblings crazy. I think he’s just trying to share his life with us. But the issue is he doesn’t come visit the grandchildren, so it’s a hard pill for them to swallow when he’s on another vacation and won’t even come see them. That being said they haven’t asked him to, and they’re assuming he’s choosing a Caribbean island over them. He’s trying to keep in touch by sending pictures of where he is, because he’s not a good communicator otherwise. There’s an issue bc they’re not seeing it from the same perspective. I think if one of us sat him down and told him how what we thought he would feel just terrible! I really think the majority of family issues are from a realistic, expectation and unclear communication.

This is a really great post, PP. I used to be baffled by how little interest my MIL had in seeing my kids or helping out, and they live a mile away. I found her to be a complete joke of a grandmother compared to my mom. Over time, I realized she really thought she was involved because she came to their sporting events, even if she didn’t speak with them. This was apparently a lot more than her parents did for her or her kids. She wasn’t malicious or meaning to be neglectful, she just had no clue what an involved grandparent looked like.

OP, your in-laws seem really selfish and careless of your feelings, but maybe it would help for you to reach out to them and ask for help with specific tasks.

See my post above. Before DH left for deployment, he asked for help. Explicitly. They changed the subject. They brought up that our kids are in daycare. They are not difficult kids. Even if you offered to spend a weekend with them, going to the zoo or a playground, it would be HUGE. My parents live in another country, they see their grandchildren once a year at most. But they make an effort, there are weekly facetime calls, they are engaging with them. This is just too much.

So what? You can fly from another country or another state. Why are letting your parents off the hook for not coming to help, and fumin at your ILs? If your parents wanted to come and help you, they could presumably come as well. I doubt they live in a remote tribe several days walk away from the nearest airport.

My parents still work for a living and they live on another continent. For them to get to DC area it would take 24+ hours.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That is very annoying and not very sensitive of them. I learned something recently, though, when I expect people to act how I would in a similar situation, I often end up disappointed. They may not understand/grasp how hard it is for you. I think it’s OK to tell them things have been hard, but keep that a separate issue from the pictures.

My retired father is always sending pictures from where he is on vacation. It drives my siblings crazy. I think he’s just trying to share his life with us. But the issue is he doesn’t come visit the grandchildren, so it’s a hard pill for them to swallow when he’s on another vacation and won’t even come see them. That being said they haven’t asked him to, and they’re assuming he’s choosing a Caribbean island over them. He’s trying to keep in touch by sending pictures of where he is, because he’s not a good communicator otherwise. There’s an issue bc they’re not seeing it from the same perspective. I think if one of us sat him down and told him how what we thought he would feel just terrible! I really think the majority of family issues are from a realistic, expectation and unclear communication.

I disagree. Your father is retired, raised his kids, and now is enjoying his retirement. When did it become an expectation that grandparents become care givers? It's great if they can do it, but it should be a bonus, not an expectation.

When is visiting grandchildren, which is what the post says, equivalent to caregiving, which is not what the post says?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
OP here. You must have reading comprehension issues.

No way I'd be getting on a plane to visit.

Your snark and anger is palpable. I empathasize with the stress of raising kids alone, but you can't even manage a moment of respectful interaction with all the people that have come to this thread to offer their advice or support. Me thinks there is more going on here and the ILs understand the warzone they'd be walking into without their son as a buffer.

I don't see snark. I see an exhausted mother. I hope she has a good support network 'cause her in laws are not 'it'. Her DH probably knows his parents are like that and is embarrassed.

No, OP is rude. Being a mother doesn't entitle you to be a jerk. Picking up the slack is not the ILs problem. OP and her DH need to figure something out for their own family. People have offered advice and OP has been less than appreciative. It's becoming quite clear why her ILs steer clear.

Where is she jerk? I am a grandmother too, I cannot comprehend how one doesn't inquire about their grandchildren even if they live in another state. Let alone when they are seriously sick. Have you seen how COVID affects little kids? It's a brutal disease. Not to call or text is mean. I don't know what the relationship is between OP and her ILs but all bygones are bygones when it comes to grandchildren.

She’s a jerk on this entire thread! She doesn’t want solutions or to open her mind about the situation, she just came here to complain. She had a retort/excuse for every single suggestion for her. It’s all about her, she even says when her own parents called they don’t make it about themselves are asking about her. What a piece of work.

This. Somehow it's also OK that her parents haven't bothered to come help, but it's horrible that her ILs haven't? Being in another country is irrelevant, frankly. It's all still a plane ride.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That is very annoying and not very sensitive of them. I learned something recently, though, when I expect people to act how I would in a similar situation, I often end up disappointed. They may not understand/grasp how hard it is for you. I think it’s OK to tell them things have been hard, but keep that a separate issue from the pictures.

My retired father is always sending pictures from where he is on vacation. It drives my siblings crazy. I think he’s just trying to share his life with us. But the issue is he doesn’t come visit the grandchildren, so it’s a hard pill for them to swallow when he’s on another vacation and won’t even come see them. That being said they haven’t asked him to, and they’re assuming he’s choosing a Caribbean island over them. He’s trying to keep in touch by sending pictures of where he is, because he’s not a good communicator otherwise. There’s an issue bc they’re not seeing it from the same perspective. I think if one of us sat him down and told him how what we thought he would feel just terrible! I really think the majority of family issues are from a realistic, expectation and unclear communication.

This is a really great post, PP. I used to be baffled by how little interest my MIL had in seeing my kids or helping out, and they live a mile away. I found her to be a complete joke of a grandmother compared to my mom. Over time, I realized she really thought she was involved because she came to their sporting events, even if she didn’t speak with them. This was apparently a lot more than her parents did for her or her kids. She wasn’t malicious or meaning to be neglectful, she just had no clue what an involved grandparent looked like.

OP, your in-laws seem really selfish and careless of your feelings, but maybe it would help for you to reach out to them and ask for help with specific tasks.

See my post above. Before DH left for deployment, he asked for help. Explicitly. They changed the subject. They brought up that our kids are in daycare. They are not difficult kids. Even if you offered to spend a weekend with them, going to the zoo or a playground, it would be HUGE. My parents live in another country, they see their grandchildren once a year at most. But they make an effort, there are weekly facetime calls, they are engaging with them. This is just too much.

So what? You can fly from another country or another state. Why are letting your parents off the hook for not coming to help, and fumin at your ILs? If your parents wanted to come and help you, they could presumably come as well. I doubt they live in a remote tribe several days walk away from the nearest airport.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Everybody seems to agree that the in laws are obnoxious, useless, won't change, clueless, etc etc. Has anybody (including OP) considered that maybe the in laws don't like the OP and have had negative or difficult interactions with her that are now preventing them from wanting to spend any time with her? This can also obviously impact the relationship with the grandchildren. Might want to reflect on that OP.

+1

After coming back and reading all of OP’s responses, I was going to post the same thing. She wasn’t willing to entertain any advice given, and had an excuse/clap back for every point made. I’m not sure I’d be jumping to go spend lengthy amount of time with her either.

The title of the post is gives it all away. I thought I was going to read about elderly parents who won't see an audiologist, and I was going to say that "stone deaf" is not an appropriate term, but it turns out her ILs don't come when called and she is outraged. Given that her parents are overseas, maybe she's from a culture in which ILs step in more, but that's not the card she drew, and I can't see how anything she's doing now is going to change that.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
OP here. You must have reading comprehension issues.

No way I'd be getting on a plane to visit.

Your snark and anger is palpable. I empathasize with the stress of raising kids alone, but you can't even manage a moment of respectful interaction with all the people that have come to this thread to offer their advice or support. Me thinks there is more going on here and the ILs understand the warzone they'd be walking into without their son as a buffer.

I don't see snark. I see an exhausted mother. I hope she has a good support network 'cause her in laws are not 'it'. Her DH probably knows his parents are like that and is embarrassed.

No, OP is rude. Being a mother doesn't entitle you to be a jerk. Picking up the slack is not the ILs problem. OP and her DH need to figure something out for their own family. People have offered advice and OP has been less than appreciative. It's becoming quite clear why her ILs steer clear.

Where is she jerk? I am a grandmother too, I cannot comprehend how one doesn't inquire about their grandchildren even if they live in another state. Let alone when they are seriously sick. Have you seen how COVID affects little kids? It's a brutal disease. Not to call or text is mean. I don't know what the relationship is between OP and her ILs but all bygones are bygones when it comes to grandchildren.

Go to page 5 and reread some of OPs unkind responses. Also Covid is not brutal for young kids. You’re being dramatic for no reason.

OP: he was in a hospital. Sure didn't look brutal

BS. You would have included that in the OP if it was the case.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
OP here. You must have reading comprehension issues.

No way I'd be getting on a plane to visit.

Your snark and anger is palpable. I empathasize with the stress of raising kids alone, but you can't even manage a moment of respectful interaction with all the people that have come to this thread to offer their advice or support. Me thinks there is more going on here and the ILs understand the warzone they'd be walking into without their son as a buffer.

I don't see snark. I see an exhausted mother. I hope she has a good support network 'cause her in laws are not 'it'. Her DH probably knows his parents are like that and is embarrassed.

No, OP is rude. Being a mother doesn't entitle you to be a jerk. Picking up the slack is not the ILs problem. OP and her DH need to figure something out for their own family. People have offered advice and OP has been less than appreciative. It's becoming quite clear why her ILs steer clear.

Where is she jerk? I am a grandmother too, I cannot comprehend how one doesn't inquire about their grandchildren even if they live in another state. Let alone when they are seriously sick. Have you seen how COVID affects little kids? It's a brutal disease. Not to call or text is mean. I don't know what the relationship is between OP and her ILs but all bygones are bygones when it comes to grandchildren.

Go to page 5 and reread some of OPs unkind responses. Also Covid is not brutal for young kids. You’re being dramatic for no reason.

OP: he was in a hospital. Sure didn't look brutal

Anonymous wrote:You're tired and on your own. They suck.

You are not alone. Husband not deployed. ILs made it clear that they had already watched enough of their grandchildren (DC is by far the youngest of 8). Sure, lots of our friends were getting more help. We have never had a weekend away as a couple because there is no one to leave the kid with. It was hard not to be envious, but it was what it was. We might have liked more help but were not going to get it, and ILs were going to be jetting off to Mexico or where ever for the winter. It's okay to vent but eventually you have to move on.

I should also add that 10 years later we now also get the primary responsibility for the ILs as they are now more aged. It's like having toddlers with more rights. And, no, you just can't refuse to do anything and can't just tell someone with dementia that you aren't going to pay their bills for them. Swell...

You're tired and on your own. They suck.

You are not alone. Husband not deployed. ILs made it clear that they had already watched enough of their grandchildren (DC is by far the youngest of 8). Sure, lots of our friends were getting more help. We have never had a weekend away as a couple because there is no one to leave the kid with. It was hard not to be envious, but it was what it was. We might have liked more help but were not going to get it, and ILs were going to be jetting off to Mexico or where ever for the winter. It's okay to vent but eventually you have to move on.