Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You seem a bit dramatic OP

More than a bit. She sounds completely histrionic.

True. Probably constant family drama is pushing her over the edge. Mothers with small children are often volatile due to hormones and lack of sleep, additional stress can be too much to handle.

This is all so sexist. Op gave a poor example of the offending behavior but the fact that her dh always sides with his family and never her says everything. She implied that bil has been rude to her many times and he could have humiliated her in front of others wrt her child.

I would consider divorce in this case because your dh is telling you that you are less than everyone else.

Anonymous wrote:It seems like there is no effort on your part to understand your husband's culture or family values.

It also seems you've been quite nasty in the past to at least brother.


You're going to have to find a way to compromise and realize you don't get your way all the time.

Understand that your husband wanting different things doesn't mean he doesn't support you just different values.

And it really doesn't matter if you are married to him or not because even if you divorce you will have to cooperate and coparent with him.

If you marry a different man you will still have to learn to compromise

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Other than his mom and brother, what else is a mistake? Honestly that all sounds annoying, but not enough to divorce over. Especially if you don't see them every day or even every week.

It's not just about the annoying things. It is the mindset that his family can do no wrong. They always get the benefit of the doubt and I get none.
Boundaries- his words are that families with boundaries are not close families. That is a quote.
The way he treats his family vs mine. My family is consistent and predictably helpful. His is not. A good example of this. My mom has sent us a check every month since birth for our baby- to spend however we see fit. He nods, says nothing, Certainly does not call or text her thank you.
His mom sent one toy and a book. He told me I needed to call her or write a thank you note. Double standards.
Also, he was unemployed/underemployed for a long time. I sent him job posting after job posting. He rejected 99% of them. Said he would rather hold out for a dream job than settle.
By settle, you mean contribute to your family's bills. I lost a lot of respect for him after that. I busted my ass to be the sole provider for almost a year, with a new baby.
Because he didnt want to settle for a job that was not interesting to him.

Did he end up finding the kind of job he wanted?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Taking down holiday decorations. He cannot find the card sent by his sister. He just accused me of throwing it away.
"I know this sounds stupid and petty but I would not put it past you to purposely throw away the card my sister sent"
Is this real life.

This is insane. Like petty BS fights between two eight year old siblings.

Did you throw away the card though? My eight year old sibling would totally do that to be passive aggressive and spiteful. Sounds about right.

Anonymous wrote:Hmm? Still waiting! Still waiting for OP or any of her defenders to address this point:

If my ILs were horrible/rude, I would want to see ***less of them,*** and I wouldn't want them around my baby. I would do cartwheels for every time I didn't have to see them. Heck, my ILs are all-around very nice and fairly unproblematic, and I would still like to see less of them. So please, by all means: take a shot and rationally try to explain to me how OP is justified in thinking they are horrible people, AND wanting them to visit/hold/give gifts more? I would love to see you try to make sense of that. Can you?

Anonymous wrote:
OP, if you're still reading this thread: Some posters, I suspect the same person or a very few people, keep coming back again and again to blame you and to call you names. I'm sorry. There are people out there who come onto threads just to insult and blame OPs, especially OPs who are women talking about husbands' behaviors. I truly recommend that you leave this site and get into therapy as fast as you possibly can--individual therapy, not couples therapy at this point (or maybe ever). You will have some tough times ahead as you assess whether there is anything to save or whether to leave or whether to tell your DH you both need marital counseling or whatever. But you need not to listen to the trolls who come here just to bash and blame.

Spend your time instead finding outside help and someone to listen to you objectively and determine the dynamic that's going on and where both of you are feeding it. Use the list of therapists your insurance company covers but be aware that you may not be able to get in with one of them (it's hard to find therapy right now, many doctors are swamped). Contact a Women's Center for informaiton on sliding scale or "pay what you can" therapy. Look at online therapy but check that sources are reputable. Look up "grey rock" in relationships and see if that can help temporarily to cool down things and get you some calm space as you consider this relationship and what its future looks like.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You seem a bit dramatic OP

More than a bit. She sounds completely histrionic.

True. Probably constant family drama is pushing her over the edge. Mothers with small children are often volatile due to hormones and lack of sleep, additional stress can be too much to handle.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If these are your worst examples, you are not ready to divorce. You likely need a marriage counselor to help you talk through all this.

If my MIL asked me about dinner, when I just had a baby, I would be annoyed beyond belief. But I wouldn’t cut her off.

Families have different norms about hospital stuff. My husband was surprised when I said I didn’t want family in the waiting room while I gave birth. He acquiesced, but it was very surprising to him. I was shocked when his family all came and sat around the hospital for 8 hours while our kid has brain surgery. It was not helpful to me in the slightest, but it meant a lot to my husband. Neither of us was right or wrong.

It sounds like your husband actually does what you want. But then he takes some jabs at you about it. That isn’t cool and that is what you need to work on.

Op here. You are right. He will generally do what I ask re: his family, but then I will hear about it for years later.
It is also very much communicated to his family that this is what I want, not what WE have decided works for us. He is just the messenger.
He reminded me this week that I was a b to his family, and that it was almost a dealbreaker to him and he contemplated leaving me.
I'm not going to be paraded into the town square for a flogging every year for the rest of our lives.

So you have demands that he doesn't support regarding his family, and that he goes along with only to keep the peace, but then you also want him to take the fall for it with his family? Wowza. If you don't care for his family, or really care about them or what they think, why do you also need him to say it's his idea, too (when it obviously isn't)?

I think it is important to be a united family front. Especially if its a topic that will be received negatively. For example, Hey mom and siblings, this is what we have decided works for us.
Versus, Hey mom and siblings, this is what Rita says she wants to do, So i'm just letting you know.

Anonymous wrote:I think it is clear that OP is responsible for a very large share of the dysfunction and refuses to acknowledge it. Not much more that can be said in this thread.