Anonymous wrote:I have two, 6 and 3,and have struggled a lot with this question. My husband was staunchly opposed which made it easier, but still hard and sad. I'm starting to come around to just two, and here are some reasons why:

1. I am so sad about my kids growing up, but a third won't stop that from happening. I'll be back in this spot in 3 years again, only with more older kids to manage.

2. Like some other posters here, I've always gotten kind of a weird vibe from parents of 3. Most parents of 1 or 2 seem to unequivocally enjoy it. Parents of 3 often have kind of an edge to them, and I feel like many of them regret it but won't admit it (to themselves).

3. I wouldn't say I feel overwhelmed with two, but I'm definitely close to my limit. I figured that if I DID somehow discover a well of energy and money to dedicate to thea third kid, I could dedicate it to something else instead. So maybe I'll never have a third kid, but I'll start a business instead. Or I'll travel the world and learn another language. Or I'll go back to school. Idk. At the moment I'm too tired to do any of this, but it helped to tell myself that there were still additional investments of time I could make - having another kid wasn't the only way to add new fulfillment to my life. A part of me thinks I am just dreading stagnation.

I know plenty of parents of two who seem stressed. And parents of three, sure, but there does seem to be a lot of speculation on this board directed at parents of three kids that the bolded sums up. “You seem stressed so you MUST regret having three kids, but you won’t admit it.” Uh, or we’re just stressed in the moment?

I think there’s also a somewhat different mindset that most parents of 3+ have, which is that parenting isn’t always going to be fun or easy, but that it’s still meaningful and worthwhile. I didn’t have kids so that my life would be easy or stress-free. It’s such an all or nothing approach to parenting: either things are easy-breezy (with one or two kids) or they’re a hellish nightmare (with 3+). That’s not reality, IME as a parent of three.

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Anonymous wrote:^^ Oh and to add, the people I know who seem overwhelmed with 3 are the families with surprise twins or who had 3 in quick succession. Having money obviously helps though.

But kids become more independent as time goes on. My older kids are helpful around the house. So I’m not as overwhelmed as when they were very young. 3 kids under 5 would be a very different experience than an 8 y/o, 5 y/o, and baby.

Having money doesn’t create more parental time. Time is finite.

It creates more free time if you can use the money to outsource cleaning and other chores.

Yes but parents of one and two kids can do all the too. Having more kids means they still get less time from parents.

No it doesn’t. There is just more together time than one-on-one time.

Which is less ideal for the child.

Says who? And again it depends… I know plenty of families with onlies that spend very little time with their child (much less than I do with each in of my 3 kids). They are busy, travel for work a lot and have a lot of hobbies… those kids seem perfectly happy so I am not criticizing their parents at all… I believe quality is much more important than quantity.

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Anonymous wrote:^^ Oh and to add, the people I know who seem overwhelmed with 3 are the families with surprise twins or who had 3 in quick succession. Having money obviously helps though.

But kids become more independent as time goes on. My older kids are helpful around the house. So I’m not as overwhelmed as when they were very young. 3 kids under 5 would be a very different experience than an 8 y/o, 5 y/o, and baby.

Having money doesn’t create more parental time. Time is finite.

It creates more free time if you can use the money to outsource cleaning and other chores.

Yes but parents of one and two kids can do all the too. Having more kids means they still get less time from parents.

No it doesn’t. There is just more together time than one-on-one time.

Which is less ideal for the child.

Anonymous wrote:I have two, 6 and 3,and have struggled a lot with this question. My husband was staunchly opposed which made it easier, but still hard and sad. I'm starting to come around to just two, and here are some reasons why:

1. I am so sad about my kids growing up, but a third won't stop that from happening. I'll be back in this spot in 3 years again, only with more older kids to manage.

2. Like some other posters here, I've always gotten kind of a weird vibe from parents of 3. Most parents of 1 or 2 seem to unequivocally enjoy it. Parents of 3 often have kind of an edge to them, and I feel like many of them regret it but won't admit it (to themselves).

3. I wouldn't say I feel overwhelmed with two, but I'm definitely close to my limit. I figured that if I DID somehow discover a well of energy and money to dedicate to thea third kid, I could dedicate it to something else instead. So maybe I'll never have a third kid, but I'll start a business instead. Or I'll travel the world and learn another language. Or I'll go back to school. Idk. At the moment I'm too tired to do any of this, but it helped to tell myself that there were still additional investments of time I could make - having another kid wasn't the only way to add new fulfillment to my life. A part of me thinks I am just dreading stagnation.

I have 3 kids and these are very good points. My 3 kids are 9, 7 and almost 4 and I am only now starting to feel like I am not at the end of rope 100% of the time. I love my 3 kids and I am so happy I have them. The third is a boy after 2 girls which makes me even happier I decided to go for 3 because he is just very different from his sister and the experience is so special. That said, here are my comments:

1) I don’t think my “urge” to have 3 was because I wanted to have a baby for longer and my kids were growing up… so this point does not really apply to me.

2) I agree with this point. The families with 3 kids I know well are more stressed than the ones with 2 (as are we). I don’t regret having my son, but there were times when I admitted that stopping at 2 would have been easier (maybe better). But those times pass… now that my son is older, I don’t have that feeling anymore. In my case, the age difference between the first 2 and the third played a role in it. We were stretched often because the needs of the 3 kids were so different that did not allow for much family/relax time. Having 2 separate activities/birthday parties/play dates and managing naps or tantrums at the same time was difficult. We are finally over some of that now that my son does not have tantrums and is easier to deal with… Covid helped us in a way because for a whole year both activities/birthday parties and play dates were not happening.
Now we can start enjoying some more grown up time because all 3 kids can watch a movie alone, play, etc. So, I think/hope things are getting back to normal, but for over a year, things were a bit stressful with 3 and 2 would have been much easier/more enjoyable.

3) I think your idea of starting a new project is a great idea and much easier to do with 1-2 kids than with 3. Not only time wise, but mental space as well. I don’t have the bandwidth to even think about a new project right now

Good luck!

I have two, 6 and 3,and have struggled a lot with this question. My husband was staunchly opposed which made it easier, but still hard and sad. I'm starting to come around to just two, and here are some reasons why:

1. I am so sad about my kids growing up, but a third won't stop that from happening. I'll be back in this spot in 3 years again, only with more older kids to manage.

2. Like some other posters here, I've always gotten kind of a weird vibe from parents of 3. Most parents of 1 or 2 seem to unequivocally enjoy it. Parents of 3 often have kind of an edge to them, and I feel like many of them regret it but won't admit it (to themselves).

3. I wouldn't say I feel overwhelmed with two, but I'm definitely close to my limit. I figured that if I DID somehow discover a well of energy and money to dedicate to thea third kid, I could dedicate it to something else instead. So maybe I'll never have a third kid, but I'll start a business instead. Or I'll travel the world and learn another language. Or I'll go back to school. Idk. At the moment I'm too tired to do any of this, but it helped to tell myself that there were still additional investments of time I could make - having another kid wasn't the only way to add new fulfillment to my life. A part of me thinks I am just dreading stagnation.

I had my one and only ( I thought) at 26. A 44 I gave birth to surprise twins. Sometimes there is no choice of 2 or 3! We loved it, as did the 18-years older big sister. She decided to go to college much closer to home, as she could not bear to be too far way from her little brothers.

All of my friends are between 38 to 43 for women. I have a few friends a little bit regretted at having only 1 child, but they admit that 1 child work for their family. They spend all energy and resources on 1 child. I only have two friends having 2 children, and they are thinking of having a third because they want a daughter. Both 2 children are boys.

Well, I am done with 2 children, a boy and a girl. No matter of the gender, I struggle with balancing daycare/school, work, life and family. I am just hoping my youngest going to kindergarten in s few years soon. I think our family should have stopped at 1 child, but well, not regretting but I am jealous of family with 1 child only.

Sorry I meant school bus drop off in the afternoon. Not pickup!

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Anonymous wrote:^^ Oh and to add, the people I know who seem overwhelmed with 3 are the families with surprise twins or who had 3 in quick succession. Having money obviously helps though.

But kids become more independent as time goes on. My older kids are helpful around the house. So I’m not as overwhelmed as when they were very young. 3 kids under 5 would be a very different experience than an 8 y/o, 5 y/o, and baby.

Having money doesn’t create more parental time. Time is finite.

It creates more free time if you can use the money to outsource cleaning and other chores.

Yes but parents of one and two kids can do all the too. Having more kids means they still get less time from parents.

Parents with 3 with money to outsource probably have more time with their kids than parents of 2 who are living paycheck to paycheck and too strapped to outsource any help. Just like 2 working parents may get more time together than a family with a SAHP and a breadwinner who travels a lot. Of course the inverse is true, having just 1 or 2 kids with lots of disposable income or a family with a SAHP and a working spouse with flexible job also exist. Just throwing out some examples of how you can’t really make assumptions based on family size or makeup alone.

I’m a working mom of 3, but I get a lot of time with my kids because I work early hours and am done most days in time for the school bus pickup. We are walkable to many activities so no stress about traffic. I’m friends with a number of SAH and part time moms and am able to manage play dates after work and be with my kids more than some parents I know with fewer kids. You just can’t make blanket statements about families.

Anonymous wrote:I know someone who thought hard about whether they wanted a third and decided that they wanted to try. They ended up with natural triplets. So they went from 2 to 5! They are happy but very very busy.

I have a family member who went for a third and ended up with natural twins, so they went from 2 to 4. But 2 to 5? That's quite a jump!

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Anonymous wrote:I have never met a person who has three or more children who has ever regretted having any of the kids. Of course they could be the lying or putting on an act, but those are the experiences I’ve heard.

I wouldn't say "regret" because of course people love their kids once they're here, but after I had my 2 I had multiple moms of 3+ emphatically telling me to stop there, that 3+ made everything more difficult and wasn't worth it.

I’ve heard this too more times than if it was a one off. I always think of it when people go for the third. Which of you will end up giving cautionary advice in 5-10 years?

Yes I’ve heard this a bunch too.

I know someone who thought hard about whether they wanted a third and decided that they wanted to try. They ended up with natural triplets. So they went from 2 to 5! They are happy but very very busy.

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Anonymous wrote:I have never met a person who has three or more children who has ever regretted having any of the kids. Of course they could be the lying or putting on an act, but those are the experiences I’ve heard.

I wouldn't say "regret" because of course people love their kids once they're here, but after I had my 2 I had multiple moms of 3+ emphatically telling me to stop there, that 3+ made everything more difficult and wasn't worth it.

I’ve heard this too more times than if it was a one off. I always think of it when people go for the third. Which of you will end up giving cautionary advice in 5-10 years?

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Anonymous wrote:I have never met a person who has three or more children who has ever regretted having any of the kids. Of course they could be the lying or putting on an act, but those are the experiences I’ve heard.

I wouldn't say "regret" because of course people love their kids once they're here, but after I had my 2 I had multiple moms of 3+ emphatically telling me to stop there, that 3+ made everything more difficult and wasn't worth it.

I’m a DP with three - I would never advise anyone to have a kid they aren’t SURE they want AND can provide for reasonably well. None of this on the fence, may as well go for it business. Not with any number of kids. I’d also never proactively tell anyone that, but when friends with two have asked, I give my honest opinion.

Have more! Hedge your protection against there being a dud