Op, what's keeping you from putting a stop to this?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is beyond obnoxious. As others have said, she’s trying to ask forgiveness rather than permission. I bet she will be manipulative in other ways too. Besides being a huge annoyance and a boundary issue, her plan to run around town with her friends while staying with you during peak of cold/RSV/flu/covid puts your defenseless newborn at significant risk. That would be my biggest concern. A few weeks ago we had the unfortunate experience of taking our 3 year old to the ER with breathing issues. It was scary. I cannot imagine doing this with a newborn. Your DH needs to tell her that based on the recommendation of the pediatrician, you are not allowing any visitors until the baby is at least a month old. Therefore, she needs to cancel her stay with you. Offer to cover the cost of ticket change, if needed.

Another scenario to consider is if she arrives and you go past your due date, going into labor while she is already here. She seems like the type to tag along with you to the hospital and insist on being there for the delivery.

Yes, that’s how this started. She wanted to be in the delivery room and just announced “that’s how things are done” and when I said no she said she wanted to be waiting in the waiting room. I wasn’t comfortable with that either and that’s when we told family in the first few months of the pregnancy we wanted to bond with the baby and have some time to settle and be alone. This is her way of guilting us into taking her in because she’s a four hour flight away and everyone is aware she cannot afford to travel and rent a car and stay at a hotel. No boundaries at all.

You said she doesn’t drive.

Rare unanimity on DCUM. We are never wrong when it's like this. Show your DH this thread.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:2 bedroom condo? Where would she sleep? Baby is in the nursery and you're in your room. Tell DH there's no way this would work. Sounds awful.

2nd bedroom is just a full bed pushed in the corner of our office. She will sleep in there. Baby will sleep in a bassinet in our bedroom. It’s going to be very tight and knowing her she will expect some sort of holiday celebration I need to plan since she will
be with us over Christmas.

Why are you saying these things like they're actually going to happen? You need to cancel her visit.

1000! No way! I'm a mil now and can't understand why mil's or moms force themselves like this!

Look up RSV. It's rampant right now and dangerous to infants. Look up the recent Washington Post article about shortages of space for pediatric patients in hospitals. Add in the facts (not opinions) about the winter spike in Covid; new Covid variants; and heightened flu this winter. Health ALONE is enough reason for her not to visit a newborn. Insane to do so. Your DH needs to tell her a flat, firm no. Even if she turns up at the door--no, she can't visit.

It stuns me, how ignorant many grandparents are about actual effing diseases that can kill babies.

Easy solution you and DH offer to cover the change fee to change the flight for 1 week 4 weeks after the baby arrives. Max like $200 cost saves your marriage.

Anonymous wrote:I feel for you, OP. I went through this with my own mother and my own small house after a difficult birth that left me injured. I begged her to postpone her visit, not come, choose a different time, anything. She was undeterred and I have terrible memories of barely being able to walk, still bleeding, and her asking what was for lunch and offering to “hold the baby” but making a fuss about how uncomfortable her sitting position was, asking for more pillows and a drink, and passing her back after 12 minutes. A one week visit and I got 12 minutes of help.

My relationship with my mother has never been the same. I don’t invite her to visit. Ever. She asked at one point why but didn’t like the truth. If you don’t set boundaries for this visit, I assure you that your relationship with MIL will be broken enough that it will either be its own natural boundary OR you’ll get some serious boundaries in the future! It will work itself out but it won’t be pretty.

My relationship with my inlaws changed in the weeks after our child was born too. For the better with MIL, surprisingly. But fil? I learned he's a know it all about parenting babies and also expected to be served while he helped out by "watching the baby" (sitting in my glider next to the basinet).

142.

No way. I didn't mind short visits. But hell no I wouldn't have wanted my mil hanging around all day or even spending the night. And for a month? That's crazy talk.

Your husband needs to tell her HE made a mistake by allowing this and she needs to change her plans.

15

I’d also be concerned about her bringing illness into the home with a newborn since this will be during winter in what is already a doozy of a cold and flu season and it sounds like she’s planning to do a lot of socializing.

OP, it is super easy to change flights these days. What is your husband saying about this? I can’t believe you are considering going through with this even though you made it clear it’s not what you want she should come for a week after a month or so. The current plan sounds untenable.

How long have you two been married? Has this never come up before? Baby or no baby, if DH agreed to MIL staying for a month without asking me, I would be very pissed, not annoyed. And we live in 2500sf house.

I agree with all the above comments, you should talk to your husband and have him correct his mistake. Perhaps exchange her return ticket, make the stay few days long and put her in the hotel. Tell him this is very important to you. But if doesn’t do it - please don’t stress. You and baby’s health is a priority. You can sort this out later. Meanwhile focus on yourself and don’t even think about cleaning or cooking for anyone.

Anonymous wrote:I dunno. As someone who had ill-timed houseguests for both of my pregnancies/births, I don't think I'd be too annoyed about this. Maybe a 3 out of 10. My first was really difficult and I barely slept, but it was nice to have someone around to talk to. My second was so easy and slept so much that I was really bored and again, it was nice to at least have someone to pass time with.

Are we talking like...doesn't lift a finger as in won't make dinner/clean up? Or she won't even make sandwiches?

It's an 800 sf condo. It's winter. OP will have privacy in her bedroom only. Maybe her bathroom if there are 2. A week would be pushing it with someone not helpful. A month is grounds for crimes to be committed.

Have him read the lemon clot essay:

The Lemon Clot Essay (by Sharon1964)

You will be leaking out of places you don't want to leak out of. Do you really want to stand up from the couch and have your father's parents see that not only have you bled through your pad, but the blood is now running down your leg. Do you really want to say, "honey, can you come with me to the bathroom, I am bleeding all over and I feel a huge bloodclot coming out"... in front of them? Contrast that to "mom, I need your help please, now, I'm bleeding all over!" Does your husband really understand the volume of stuff that will be coming out of you, the possibility of lemon-sized clots of blood? Not 2-dimensional lemon-sized, but huge, round, 3-dimensional lemon-sized?

How many bathrooms do you have? If only one, do you REALLY want to have to make it "guest-level clean" every time you leave it? Do you really want this gang of people ogling your diaper-sized pads, peribottle, tucks pads, and all the other supplies that will be in the bathroom? Even if you have two bathrooms, that means you can't use the main bathroom, because you still have to leave it "guest-level clean" every time you use it.

Do they really plan to do something other than hold the baby, pass the baby around, and sit around expecting you guys to wait on them? Are they going to sit and stare at you? Thirty minutes after they arrive, and baby wants to breastfeed, are they going to quickly and willingly LEAVE your home so that you can breastfeed in the privacy and comfort of your space? Or are they going to hang around outside, waiting for you to be done, and knocking every so often wanting to know if they can come back in? Yeah, that's great for breastfeeding.

Or better yet, are they going to blow you off, saying "it's no big deal", and expect you to breastfeed in front of them? Even experienced moms need several weeks of practice to get good at it, so to speak, so that they can breastfeed wherever they want. Learning to breastfeed is not a time for people to ogle and stare at you.

When your breasts are engorged and painful and you want NOTHING to touch them, what then? Does your dh think it will be okay for his dad to stare at your huge naked breasts as you walk around topless?

What if your birth is smack in the middle of their trip? So what are they going to do the first few days, before baby? Are they going to sit and stare at you, waiting for the big moment? Then what? Are they going to camp out in your hospital room every day, all day? Yeah, that's great for resting. What happens when you leave the hospital and they beat you to your own home, and all you want to do is lay down in your own bed? Are they going to leave graciously, or are they going to sit in your living room, eating your food, messing up your house, and making noise, so you can't nap?

Does your DH normally allow people to invite themselves over to visit you guys without even ASKING? You guys are setting yourselves up for a lifetime of this. Then you will be blamed when you try to tell them that it is not a good time for you.

Does your DH understand ANY of these things?? Does he not understand that it is NOT about entertaining guests, but about recovery from a major medical procedure (either vaginal or c-section)? Does he not understand that you just grew another human being in your body, and will have just gone through the process of getting it out?? This is going to be an exhausting, messy, wildly hormonal time. Does he not get that??

You know, nobody gets to stay in your home after birth unless they are helpful. So is his mother going to.... wash your bloody underwear in the sink? Clean and disinfect your toilet and perhaps the bathroom floor after you spend time in there? Clean up lemon size blood clots that come out of your vagina if you need help? Get hot washcloths and lay them on your naked engorged breasts? Hold a cold wet washcloth on the back of your neck when you break out in a sweat all over?

Is she going to cook for you and clean for you and do the laundry, and make sure you are stocked with diapers and wipes and clean blankets? Is she going to allow you to breastfeed in private in your own living room by either going to her room or going outside? Is she going to allow you to pick up your own crying baby? Is she going to ASK you if you would like her to get the baby for you since you may be sore? Is she going to disappear when you want alone time with your new baby and your husband? Is she going to refrain from giving you advice but instead ask you what you need?

And what's his dad going to do? Is he going to cut the grass and take out the garbage and make runs to the store for juice and milk? Is he going to wash the car or walk the dog or change the cat litter box?

No? Yeah, that's what I thought.