Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah you really need to investigate why you “want” more children when you’re at 100% capacity now.

I say this as someone who thought they wanted 2,3,4 kids and ended up with one—by choice—after a lot of deep thinking, conversing with my spouse/ a therapist, journaling, etc.

The pressure to have more than one child in this culture is deeply ingrained in sneaky, sneaky ways. Nearly every commercial depicts families as having multiple children. You likely were raised with a sibling—and surrounded by other kids with siblings—as was the norm back in the 70’s, 80’s, and 90’s. Your parents likely had siblings because their mothers didn’t have access to birth control. How many of the shows you watch feature families with more than one child? How many of the books you read? What is the dominant dramatic portrayal of families with only children in TV, books, and movies? There are a lot of reasons why you may think you “want”more kids even though it is not what is best for you. Really analyze the images you see every day, the memories you have, the stories you like… and think about how they might be influencing you.

Also, there are a lot of things we may “want” for a time but decide against because it is not healthy for ourselves or our relationships in life. You can’t buy everything you want at the store without running out of money. You can’t eat junk all the time without hurting your body. You can’t flirt with good looking people whenever you want without that affecting your marriage. We don’t pursue everything we want in a given moment because we have that rational part of our brain that says “no.” Your brain is in a hormonal bath right now and you have to account for the fact that you are, as a being, biologically driven to have more children. That does not mean you should do it. Stop and think really, really hard.

As others have mentioned, life with one is dreamy.

As someone who has 2 (wanted more) and stopped for many of these and similar reasons, I really appreciate this post. I still sometimes have moments of regret, especially when I see larger families, but all of the reasons we stopped at 2 still exist and are valid. So thank you.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah you really need to investigate why you “want” more children when you’re at 100% capacity now.

I say this as someone who thought they wanted 2,3,4 kids and ended up with one—by choice—after a lot of deep thinking, conversing with my spouse/ a therapist, journaling, etc.

The pressure to have more than one child in this culture is deeply ingrained in sneaky, sneaky ways. Nearly every commercial depicts families as having multiple children. You likely were raised with a sibling—and surrounded by other kids with siblings—as was the norm back in the 70’s, 80’s, and 90’s. Your parents likely had siblings because their mothers didn’t have access to birth control. How many of the shows you watch feature families with more than one child? How many of the books you read? What is the dominant dramatic portrayal of families with only children in TV, books, and movies? There are a lot of reasons why you may think you “want”more kids even though it is not what is best for you. Really analyze the images you see every day, the memories you have, the stories you like… and think about how they might be influencing you.

Also, there are a lot of things we may “want” for a time but decide against because it is not healthy for ourselves or our relationships in life. You can’t buy everything you want at the store without running out of money. You can’t eat junk all the time without hurting your body. You can’t flirt with good looking people whenever you want without that affecting your marriage. We don’t pursue everything we want in a given moment because we have that rational part of our brain that says “no.” Your brain is in a hormonal bath right now and you have to account for the fact that you are, as a being, biologically driven to have more children. That does not mean you should do it. Stop and think really, really hard.

As others have mentioned, life with one is dreamy.

As someone who has 2 (wanted more) and stopped for many of these and similar reasons, I really appreciate this post. I still sometimes have moments of regret, especially when I see larger families, but all of the reasons we stopped at 2 still exist and are valid. So thank you.

DP, but I think it takes a lot of strength and self-reflection to know your limits and stop when you're ahead (or at least not behind). There is SO much social pressure to have "more" children, be that a second or third, and so much toxic positivity (It will all work out! You'll never regret the children you have! It will all be worth it in the end!). But those are just clichés that people tell themselves and not always true. We've all seen families that go ahead with the second or third (or more, I guess?) that really would have been better stopping earlier. Only YOU know yourself and your family best, and just because it worked out for someone else, doesn't mean it's the right decision for you. Life is full of unchosen paths, but wisdom and maturity is being able to let go of the untaken possibilities and embrace the one you did.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah you really need to investigate why you “want” more children when you’re at 100% capacity now.

I say this as someone who thought they wanted 2,3,4 kids and ended up with one—by choice—after a lot of deep thinking, conversing with my spouse/ a therapist, journaling, etc.

The pressure to have more than one child in this culture is deeply ingrained in sneaky, sneaky ways. Nearly every commercial depicts families as having multiple children. You likely were raised with a sibling—and surrounded by other kids with siblings—as was the norm back in the 70’s, 80’s, and 90’s. Your parents likely had siblings because their mothers didn’t have access to birth control. How many of the shows you watch feature families with more than one child? How many of the books you read? What is the dominant dramatic portrayal of families with only children in TV, books, and movies? There are a lot of reasons why you may think you “want”more kids even though it is not what is best for you. Really analyze the images you see every day, the memories you have, the stories you like… and think about how they might be influencing you.

Also, there are a lot of things we may “want” for a time but decide against because it is not healthy for ourselves or our relationships in life. You can’t buy everything you want at the store without running out of money. You can’t eat junk all the time without hurting your body. You can’t flirt with good looking people whenever you want without that affecting your marriage. We don’t pursue everything we want in a given moment because we have that rational part of our brain that says “no.” Your brain is in a hormonal bath right now and you have to account for the fact that you are, as a being, biologically driven to have more children. That does not mean you should do it. Stop and think really, really hard.

As others have mentioned, life with one is dreamy.

As someone who has 2 (wanted more) and stopped for many of these and similar reasons, I really appreciate this post. I still sometimes have moments of regret, especially when I see larger families, but all of the reasons we stopped at 2 still exist and are valid. So thank you.

Anonymous wrote:Yeah you really need to investigate why you “want” more children when you’re at 100% capacity now.

I say this as someone who thought they wanted 2,3,4 kids and ended up with one—by choice—after a lot of deep thinking, conversing with my spouse/ a therapist, journaling, etc.

The pressure to have more than one child in this culture is deeply ingrained in sneaky, sneaky ways. Nearly every commercial depicts families as having multiple children. You likely were raised with a sibling—and surrounded by other kids with siblings—as was the norm back in the 70’s, 80’s, and 90’s. Your parents likely had siblings because their mothers didn’t have access to birth control. How many of the shows you watch feature families with more than one child? How many of the books you read? What is the dominant dramatic portrayal of families with only children in TV, books, and movies? There are a lot of reasons why you may think you “want”more kids even though it is not what is best for you. Really analyze the images you see every day, the memories you have, the stories you like… and think about how they might be influencing you.

Also, there are a lot of things we may “want” for a time but decide against because it is not healthy for ourselves or our relationships in life. You can’t buy everything you want at the store without running out of money. You can’t eat junk all the time without hurting your body. You can’t flirt with good looking people whenever you want without that affecting your marriage. We don’t pursue everything we want in a given moment because we have that rational part of our brain that says “no.” Your brain is in a hormonal bath right now and you have to account for the fact that you are, as a being, biologically driven to have more children. That does not mean you should do it. Stop and think really, really hard.

As others have mentioned, life with one is dreamy.

Anonymous wrote:Two max. There’s such a difference between women who have 2 and 3. The third often ruins the mom’s career and body for good. Although sounds like you don’t want or care about your career? Even with a big law salary the third will make kids even more expensive. But you come across as though you want to punish yourself.

Anonymous wrote:Yeah you really need to investigate why you “want” more children when you’re at 100% capacity now.

I say this as someone who thought they wanted 2,3,4 kids and ended up with one—by choice—after a lot of deep thinking, conversing with my spouse/ a therapist, journaling, etc.

The pressure to have more than one child in this culture is deeply ingrained in sneaky, sneaky ways. Nearly every commercial depicts families as having multiple children. You likely were raised with a sibling—and surrounded by other kids with siblings—as was the norm back in the 70’s, 80’s, and 90’s. Your parents likely had siblings because their mothers didn’t have access to birth control. How many of the shows you watch feature families with more than one child? How many of the books you read? What is the dominant dramatic portrayal of families with only children in TV, books, and movies? There are a lot of reasons why you may think you “want”more kids even though it is not what is best for you. Really analyze the images you see every day, the memories you have, the stories you like… and think about how they might be influencing you.

Also, there are a lot of things we may “want” for a time but decide against because it is not healthy for ourselves or our relationships in life. You can’t buy everything you want at the store without running out of money. You can’t eat junk all the time without hurting your body. You can’t flirt with good looking people whenever you want without that affecting your marriage. We don’t pursue everything we want in a given moment because we have that rational part of our brain that says “no.” Your brain is in a hormonal bath right now and you have to account for the fact that you are, as a being, biologically driven to have more children. That does not mean you should do it. Stop and think really, really hard.

As others have mentioned, life with one is dreamy.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need another adult in the house helping you parent. Yes, I know single parents do it, and maybe you grew up in a place where SAHMs had a passel of kids and a husband who was always gone--but that's a formula for despair. We can do better and we should.

Hire a full time nanny now. if the baby is not sleeping well, also hire a night nurse. When the baby is one year old, you'll know what you want to do next, whether that is have more kids or stop at one.

If you have the kids spaced closely, hire one nanny per kid. Outsource cleaning and meal making. This is the way.

I'm sorry but I find this so gross. I have a friend who has this exact set up. And I dont understand what the point was of having kids if you are going to outsource every aspect of child and domestic life. Are the kids there for photo ops? For holiday get togethers? Just to have checked the box to have a child?

Yes. Yes. And yes.

Anonymous wrote:I have 3 and a FT job, but spaced out the third so the older 2 would be in school full time during the day and more independent in general. 3 kids with a gap has been easier than 2 little kids close together. The baby/toddler stage almost did me in, I was so exhausted. I’m not sure you have time on your side though to space out 3, so I’d probably stop at 2 in your position and just outsource or do what you need to do to grit through the baby/toddler era of life.

But I also want to note that you have a 5 month old. I wouldn’t make major life decisions based on the 5 months of parenting you have experienced so far. The newborn phase, especially the first go round, can be brutal. I haven’t found any stage of parenting as hard as that, but I had all crappy sleepers.

Anonymous wrote:
Plus you need to monitor their school work somewhat, which is really challenging, and make a lot of decisions about other issues — how down is depressed and you need to find a therapist? Are these grades bad enough you need to think about a tutor? Or maybe there’s an online program that will help them understand algebra 2 because God knows I’ve forgotten it. It takes more time to shop for them because they all have their own odd preferences. Etc. etc. Thank God my husband has sort of an atypical firm life and can leave early regularly to help manage the sports stuff. It would be physically impossible for me to do it all. And the older they get the less likely you can carpool because while little kids just do activities with their friends, tweens and teens are unlikely to make the same teams or whatever that their friends do, and the other kids in the activities may not live anywhere near you.

Im saying all this because when I was your age I was focused on the slog of parenting babies and what I could handle at 35. I was not at all thinking about how exhausted I’d be at 50 with all the work that these kids generate. Teens generate way more laundry than babies because they sweat like Teamsters and there’s all the workout clothes, multiple towels for showers, etc. And they eat so much! And who is going to stay up to pick them up at parties that end at 11 or 12?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Every time I go to the library on a weekday with my kid and see the dozens of nannies there, without fail I will encounter a toddler that calls the nanny "mama."

I always wonder how the mothers feel about that.

Uncalled for. Their mothers are working. What is this, 1950?

Anonymous wrote:Every time I go to the library on a weekday with my kid and see the dozens of nannies there, without fail I will encounter a toddler that calls the nanny "mama."

I always wonder how the mothers feel about that.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need another adult in the house helping you parent. Yes, I know single parents do it, and maybe you grew up in a place where SAHMs had a passel of kids and a husband who was always gone--but that's a formula for despair. We can do better and we should.

Hire a full time nanny now. if the baby is not sleeping well, also hire a night nurse. When the baby is one year old, you'll know what you want to do next, whether that is have more kids or stop at one.

If you have the kids spaced closely, hire one nanny per kid. Outsource cleaning and meal making. This is the way.

I'm sorry but I find this so gross. I have a friend who has this exact set up. And I dont understand what the point was of having kids if you are going to outsource every aspect of child and domestic life. Are the kids there for photo ops? For holiday get togethers? Just to have checked the box to have a child?