Anonymous wrote:No one is ganging up on OP for prioritizing retirement or older relatives. It’s the refusal to stop this slow moving train wreck. Now the child has to transfer after thriving at the pricey school. My husband was in a similar situation - he really wanted to go to name brand OOS school. His parents wouldn’t allow it, and he admits he hated his parents all summer. He went to his state flagship and made lifelong friends and had an awesome 4 years. OP should’ve been the bad guy last year instead of letting this go down the way they did. Now child may be behind (will all the credits transfer? What about making friends? Did they lose out on merit that’s only available to freshman? Is their major capacity controlled?) and all of this - again - was totally avoidable if OP parented appropriately last year.

Merit was never in the mix. Maybe the OOS is a better fit and we will figure out a way to make it work? Maybe the in-state options are cheaper but not the best option overall?

We can cover some of the tuition. The balance will likely be covered through a mix of the kid working and us figuring out the best way to borrow.

Ball is in kid’s court to decide given what we can cover vs what they can do—now and moving forward. I know that’s shocking to some, but we aren’t going to dictate what our adult child can do. It’s their life. We will support as much as we can, but they will need to own their decision and have skin in the game.

This is a kid who has always worked, bought their own car, and covers the random nice things they want. They just aren’t working freshman year (although they might need to work spring semester). I could probably step back completely and they would figure it out. I’m not going to do that, but I will follow their lead here (after establishing what I can do to help).

Anonymous wrote:How does one :

#1. Not make enough to qualify for aid, but yet not have any money to pay for college?
#2 have a low mortgage and still can’t swing it?

What kid of parents does this to their kid and starts them off in life with a mountain of debt? So freaking irresponsible!

We do have money saved to cover some college costs. We just can’t cover everything for OOS tuition.

It’s not like our HHI has always been what it is today. (Think: nonprofit salaries. Heck, I started out at $44k in the early 2000s.)

We didn’t have family money. Nobody helped us buy a home. Daycare is expensive. Life is expensive.

Who knew privileged people were so openly hostile and judgmental? While I’m not looking for a pity party, this thread has been very eye-opening.

No one is ganging up on OP for prioritizing retirement or older relatives. It’s the refusal to stop this slow moving train wreck. Now the child has to transfer after thriving at the pricey school. My husband was in a similar situation - he really wanted to go to name brand OOS school. His parents wouldn’t allow it, and he admits he hated his parents all summer. He went to his state flagship and made lifelong friends and had an awesome 4 years. OP should’ve been the bad guy last year instead of letting this go down the way they did. Now child may be behind (will all the credits transfer? What about making friends? Did they lose out on merit that’s only available to freshman? Is their major capacity controlled?) and all of this - again - was totally avoidable if OP parented appropriately last year.

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Anonymous wrote:This is insane. What do you mean you couldn’t “rein in” your kid. You should have said”we can not afford this.”

Your choices now are your kid transfers or you take out expensive Parent Plus loans or you pull cash from your investments/savings. Those are your choices.

This is exactly right. My heart breaks for this kid. OP, why didn’t you say no? I highly doubt the kid and the relative would’ve done this behind your back. You didn’t want to be the bad guy last year and caused this issue.

Sigh

We told our kid they would need to use loans to cover whatever we can’t cover. Now I’m trying to help friends tire out the best approach.

Nobody was blindsided.

There’s still part of me that remains hopeful they’ll transfer.

So relative and student hatched this plan… and then what? You stepped back and let it all go down? Did relative take them dorm shopping? Drop them off at school? At what point did you wash your hands of this situation knowing you would eventually end up here?

Count your blessings that your children listen to you. My kid didn’t.

Having said that, they are actually very independent. I suspect if I just step back and let them figure this out, they will.

You didn’t raise much of an adult who doesn’t understand long term consequences. I also have an adult child who is adult enough to understand that his parents are paying for college and that he wants to graduate debt free. This adult of mine realizes that starting in 3rd base is the best base to start on.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP i don’t have good advice (although it looks like your child really should transfer back in state but you know that). I just wanted to say I find the people on this thread particularly harsh, not sure what is going on. Maybe a couple repeat crazy posters..

You did everything you could. A 400k home is not a luxury in this area, 180hhi is actually not that much here, and taking care of your elderly parents and nephew/niece is a lot.

You seem like a great person OP, I wish you good luck

NP and I don't understand either why people are ganging up on OP who seems like a decent human being to me. I used to listen to Suze Orman a lot a decade ago and to Dave Ramsey as well and if I remember correctly, Suze used to advise to prioritize your own retirement over kids' college. I think, but could be wrong, that Dave also gives the same advice, especially to those who are behind on their retirement savings. OP, I am rooting for you and your kid and praying for a great outcome for everyone. Good luck and stay strong.

Thank you to both posters.

Yes, literally everyone suggests prioritizing retirement over college. That’s what we are doing. And because of health issues, we need to have money available for the present and our future (including long term care down the road).

We drive old cars. We live modestly. I literally cut my own hair. Never go to Starbucks.

People criticizing me for buying an extravagant home ($400k in dc metro area) are ridiculous. We have saved as much as we could and will cover what we can for college. Pretty sure that’s what most people do. I know very few people who were lucky enough to easily cover OOS expenses.

How does one :

#1. Not make enough to qualify for aid, but yet not have any money to pay for college?
#2 have a low mortgage and still can’t swing it?

What kid of parents does this to their kid and starts them off in life with a mountain of debt? So freaking irresponsible!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP i don’t have good advice (although it looks like your child really should transfer back in state but you know that). I just wanted to say I find the people on this thread particularly harsh, not sure what is going on. Maybe a couple repeat crazy posters..

You did everything you could. A 400k home is not a luxury in this area, 180hhi is actually not that much here, and taking care of your elderly parents and nephew/niece is a lot.

You seem like a great person OP, I wish you good luck

NP and I don't understand either why people are ganging up on OP who seems like a decent human being to me. I used to listen to Suze Orman a lot a decade ago and to Dave Ramsey as well and if I remember correctly, Suze used to advise to prioritize your own retirement over kids' college. I think, but could be wrong, that Dave also gives the same advice, especially to those who are behind on their retirement savings. OP, I am rooting for you and your kid and praying for a great outcome for everyone. Good luck and stay strong.

Op, I also don't think people should gang up on you. Your situ6sounds similar to mine. You are sandwiched between raising kids and supporting relatives. People here live in a different world.

I do not recommend you signing for those type of loans for your child if you are very close to retirement yourself. I think you could say inwill give you the amount of in state tuition plus 15 to 20 percent and that's it. Everything else you have to come up with on your own.

Part of being an adult is living with your choices. You advised your child who is an adult that you couldn't afford the school. Your child made their own decisions and just deal with the consequences. I'm assuming the elderly relative who paid the tuition died and didn't account for it in the will.

Your child should consider joining the reserve, jrotc, and definitely working (potentially full time). I had soul crushing college debt and I wouldn't wish that on anyone. For a while I was paying my debt while trying to save for my kids college via a 529 and didn't put as much toward retirement.

Now if you are in your 40s with a a hefty retirement and can swing more of the tuition I would borrow against retirement because you have time to pay it back. In your 50s or 60s I wouldn't sacrifice retirement for my child.

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Anonymous wrote:Tell is your income you selfish clown

HHI near $180.

4 kids.

Dc metro area.

Supporting elderly parents who didn’t save for retirement. I won’t make that mistake.

You have a good income but too many kids. You set up your kid and should never allowed it.

Well my sibling died and I’m raising their kid.

Geez, I always knew Dcumlandia was a harsh place, but you people are particularly harsh.

Then you get social security for the. And you still have good income.

Offspring of deceased parents don't get survivors' benefits beyond age 18, unless still in highschool. It used to be the case that benefits continued through college, but that ship sailed in 1981 (thank you, Ronald Reagan).

This scenario is sad and made much more difficult by the expectations that the well-meaning relative set forth with the unrealistic and unsustainable "gift". You've said what you're willing to pay for OP, the student is going to have to figure it out on their own to some degree. It certainly sounds like there are a lot of variables and some unhappiness ahead.

Op could have saved the money prior to 18.

Op did save money for college. Op just doesn’t have enough money to cover everything for OOS tuition, etc.

Check your privilege, people.

If you have $200-300k+ per kid to cover all costs, you are in a position that most Americans simply could not achieve.

Anonymous wrote:OP i don’t have good advice (although it looks like your child really should transfer back in state but you know that). I just wanted to say I find the people on this thread particularly harsh, not sure what is going on. Maybe a couple repeat crazy posters..

You did everything you could. A 400k home is not a luxury in this area, 180hhi is actually not that much here, and taking care of your elderly parents and nephew/niece is a lot.

You seem like a great person OP, I wish you good luck

NP and I don't understand either why people are ganging up on OP who seems like a decent human being to me. I used to listen to Suze Orman a lot a decade ago and to Dave Ramsey as well and if I remember correctly, Suze used to advise to prioritize your own retirement over kids' college. I think, but could be wrong, that Dave also gives the same advice, especially to those who are behind on their retirement savings. OP, I am rooting for you and your kid and praying for a great outcome for everyone. Good luck and stay strong.

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We had cash to cover freshman year thanks to a one-time gift from a relative.

FAFSA gave us nothing due to our HHI, etc.

We cannot bring cash to the table for tuition for the next 3 years.

What’s the best way to handle this in terms of student loans or other loans?

Did you just land on planet Earth? Did you spontaneously adopt a 17 year old? If not—sorry but I can’t fathom your irresponsibility over the last 20 years. We have 2 kids and drive 20 year old cars, have driving vacations to grandparents, buy clothes at Goodwill, and eat at home etc etc. All to make sure we can pay for their education.

People are just bad at planning. Not sure why but saving is just so hard for folks. Whether it’s for their own retirement or for their kid’s schools. They don’t do it and then wonder why the system is so unfair. Given this is the reality for most people, I do think we should have stronger safety nets because individuals are just not capable imo.

Op - on a similar income we have about 200k in each of our 2 kids 529s. It just took discipline and prioritization. But we wanted to pay for in state and between cash flow and loans they can take out ($5k a year?), we can make an expensive private/out of state work if really worth it.

It’s not that OP wasn’t saving. She did save and invest accumulating at least $500k. But where you saved for your kids OP saved for her own retirement. And now she’s wondering and asking folks like you what to do

OP i don’t have good advice (although it looks like your child really should transfer back in state but you know that). I just wanted to say I find the people on this thread particularly harsh, not sure what is going on. Maybe a couple repeat crazy posters..

You did everything you could. A 400k home is not a luxury in this area, 180hhi is actually not that much here, and taking care of your elderly parents and nephew/niece is a lot.

You seem like a great person OP, I wish you good luck

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We had cash to cover freshman year thanks to a one-time gift from a relative.

FAFSA gave us nothing due to our HHI, etc.

We cannot bring cash to the table for tuition for the next 3 years.

What’s the best way to handle this in terms of student loans or other loans?

Did you just land on planet Earth? Did you spontaneously adopt a 17 year old? If not—sorry but I can’t fathom your irresponsibility over the last 20 years. We have 2 kids and drive 20 year old cars, have driving vacations to grandparents, buy clothes at Goodwill, and eat at home etc etc. All to make sure we can pay for their education.

People are just bad at planning. Not sure why but saving is just so hard for folks. Whether it’s for their own retirement or for their kid’s schools. They don’t do it and then wonder why the system is so unfair. Given this is the reality for most people, I do think we should have stronger safety nets because individuals are just not capable imo.

Op - on a similar income we have about 200k in each of our 2 kids 529s. It just took discipline and prioritization. But we wanted to pay for in state and between cash flow and loans they can take out ($5k a year?), we can make an expensive private/out of state work if really worth it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We had cash to cover freshman year thanks to a one-time gift from a relative.

FAFSA gave us nothing due to our HHI, etc.

We cannot bring cash to the table for tuition for the next 3 years.

What’s the best way to handle this in terms of student loans or other loans?

Consider transferring to an in-state public university as tuition should be much lower.

While that would make sense financially, it’s not what the kid wants to do.

I’m playing mediator between kid and DH to gather facts and numbers to focus options and determine next steps.

It is no longer a "want to do" issue; it is a "what can I afford issue".

Student loans affect one's life well beyond the college years. Affects relationship / marriage options, home purchase ability, etc.

OP: I recall a student whose grand parent left a college fund. It paid for one year at an elite private school. After year one, student transferred to NYU, ran out of money and a decade later does not have a college degree, but does have college debt from the second year at NYU.

Best to face reality now OP.

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tell is your income you selfish clown

HHI near $180.

4 kids.

Dc metro area.

Supporting elderly parents who didn’t save for retirement. I won’t make that mistake.

You have a good income but too many kids. You set up your kid and should never allowed it.

Well my sibling died and I’m raising their kid.

Geez, I always knew Dcumlandia was a harsh place, but you people are particularly harsh.

Then you get social security for the. And you still have good income.

Offspring of deceased parents don't get survivors' benefits beyond age 18, unless still in highschool. It used to be the case that benefits continued through college, but that ship sailed in 1981 (thank you, Ronald Reagan).

This scenario is sad and made much more difficult by the expectations that the well-meaning relative set forth with the unrealistic and unsustainable "gift". You've said what you're willing to pay for OP, the student is going to have to figure it out on their own to some degree. It certainly sounds like there are a lot of variables and some unhappiness ahead.

Op could have saved the money prior to 18.

Anonymous wrote:We had cash to cover freshman year thanks to a one-time gift from a relative.

FAFSA gave us nothing due to our HHI, etc.

We cannot bring cash to the table for tuition for the next 3 years.

What’s the best way to handle this in terms of student loans or other loans?

Did you just land on planet Earth? Did you spontaneously adopt a 17 year old? If not—sorry but I can’t fathom your irresponsibility over the last 20 years. We have 2 kids and drive 20 year old cars, have driving vacations to grandparents, buy clothes at Goodwill, and eat at home etc etc. All to make sure we can pay for their education.