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Anonymous wrote:If you have the kids for Thanksgiving, your soon to be ex is getting them for Xmas, right?

Have you read the thread, dear? Please do so.

Yes, I read that OP is making herself and her parents a priority this Thanksgiving.

Then you should also have read that her ex gets the kids at Christmas. Or do you have selective blindness in order to paint OP as a shrew?

Dear, she announced HER plans for Thanksgiving. I wouldn't call her a shrew, but she does sound a bit controlling,

No, she announced the Thanksgiving plans that she AND HER EX agreed together. Reading comprehension doesn't seem your strong point.

That was NOT what her original post stated. I think her husband needs to take a firmer stance with his controlling soon to be ex wife.

You should probably read the entire thread before swanning in with your ill-informed opinion.

I have, but thanks for letting me know about "swanning."

Anonymous wrote:^ was it, though?

and what is Karen supposed to mean in this context - a relatively vulnerable person is in a tough spot, being put upon, and the question is to ask her what her longer term plans are? Really?

Did you forget to take your Xanax? It’s simple… idk we didn’t discuss it, I take odd years he takes even yours, it’s a simple question.

Let the OP answer I don’t think she needs help and she not done poor ole divorce women, she seems fine to me.

^ was it, though?

and what is Karen supposed to mean in this context - a relatively vulnerable person is in a tough spot, being put upon, and the question is to ask her what her longer term plans are? Really?

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Anonymous wrote:DH and I are separated, he moved out a few months ago. We are still going to therapy for kid's sake. He told his side of the family. They are under some weird impression that I am hosting Thanksgiving this year. I am not. This year, it will be just the kids and my parents. I am not having a big get together, I got stuck with hosting throughout our marriage and I can't say I particularly enjoyed it. They are all aghast as to "why aren't you hosting? You are not divorced." We are not divorced, but we are getting there. I want to get us to a point where we are at least on good terms but no, we are not reconciling and moving back together. ILs are now calling my parents, guilt tripping them that "they get to spend time with grandkids during the holidays and they are not". This is so unfair.

I need to nip it in the bud once and for all but how? Without cussing them out?

In all seriousness, did you make this decision yourself or jointly with your soon to be ex? I can see why the other grandparents could be feeling hurt.

+1. So the kids live with you and you are cooking for them and inviting your parents, but not inviting ILs or DH. I totally understand why you don't want to host a big dinner, but you need to start thinking about custody and time. What is the plan with your ex? If part of the issue is that you don't want to have to micromanage your ex's and IL's time with the kids, I totally get that, but you need to be direct with your STBXH and direct at least once with your ILs. "Sylvia, it is Larlo's responsibility to make sure you get time with the grandkids. I have them on Thanksgiving Day. He has yet to let me know if he is seeing them another day that weekend. You need to talk to him about plans."

I love this - it's absolutely fantastic stuff. OP and her husband are separated and on the way to divorce and OP is still responsible for managing everyone's feelings and expectations. Literally not one thought towards what OP might be going through emotionally as her marriage dissolves, just demands.

That's my post. Having a single, clear communication about the plans for Thanksgiving is not asking OP to "manage everyone's feelings and expectations". It's a solution to the "problem" she posed: that her IL's are contacting her and her parents about wanting to spend time with the kids during Thanksgiving. She is welcome to not contact them, but I don't see how that will stop their wondering.

Life is unfair sometimes. Sometimes we want to just think about ourselves and be left alone but instead we have to talk to other people.

Yes, how about her ex-DH starts learning how to talk to other people? That seems like the real solution here.

Seriously. I'm the "absolutely fantastic stuff" poster. If the in-laws are dismayed about or in the dark about Thanksgiving plans the solution is not to call OP's parents and lay on a guilt trip. It's clear OP has been somewhat in touch and doesn't intend to cut the grandparents off.

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:DH and I are separated, he moved out a few months ago. We are still going to therapy for kid's sake. He told his side of the family. They are under some weird impression that I am hosting Thanksgiving this year. I am not. This year, it will be just the kids and my parents. I am not having a big get together, I got stuck with hosting throughout our marriage and I can't say I particularly enjoyed it. They are all aghast as to "why aren't you hosting? You are not divorced." We are not divorced, but we are getting there. I want to get us to a point where we are at least on good terms but no, we are not reconciling and moving back together. ILs are now calling my parents, guilt tripping them that "they get to spend time with grandkids during the holidays and they are not". This is so unfair.

I need to nip it in the bud once and for all but how? Without cussing them out?

In all seriousness, did you make this decision yourself or jointly with your soon to be ex? I can see why the other grandparents could be feeling hurt.

+1. So the kids live with you and you are cooking for them and inviting your parents, but not inviting ILs or DH. I totally understand why you don't want to host a big dinner, but you need to start thinking about custody and time. What is the plan with your ex? If part of the issue is that you don't want to have to micromanage your ex's and IL's time with the kids, I totally get that, but you need to be direct with your STBXH and direct at least once with your ILs. "Sylvia, it is Larlo's responsibility to make sure you get time with the grandkids. I have them on Thanksgiving Day. He has yet to let me know if he is seeing them another day that weekend. You need to talk to him about plans."

I love this - it's absolutely fantastic stuff. OP and her husband are separated and on the way to divorce and OP is still responsible for managing everyone's feelings and expectations. Literally not one thought towards what OP might be going through emotionally as her marriage dissolves, just demands.

That's my post. Having a single, clear communication about the plans for Thanksgiving is not asking OP to "manage everyone's feelings and expectations". It's a solution to the "problem" she posed: that her IL's are contacting her and her parents about wanting to spend time with the kids during Thanksgiving. She is welcome to not contact them, but I don't see how that will stop their wondering.

Life is unfair sometimes. Sometimes we want to just think about ourselves and be left alone but instead we have to talk to other people.

Yes, how about her ex-DH starts learning how to talk to other people? That seems like the real solution here.

That would be great. But if he won't, wishing that he will won't solve the problem OP has.

OP doesn't have a problem, her STBX ILs do. She needs to continue to resist people trying to make it her problem.

You absolutely don't need to host anymore. And you are not responsible for your ex IL's feeling at all. But...you are forever connected to their family via your kids. There will be interaction, even if it is much more minimal moving forward. So, keep firm and practical. View any action you take as setting an example for your kids of a rational, boundary-setting but kind adult (I really wish my parents had!). Vent your anger and annoyance here, at therapy and/or to friends. Don't make your kids choose sides or act as your (or any other adult's) emotional support.

It will all get easier as years pass. My parents divorce was absolutely for the best but the drama during it did some real damage and you can avoid a lot of that. I'm sorry you're going through this and it sounds like you've taken a brave step towards a new life!

Anonymous wrote:OP here: How many of you spend holidays with your former ILs? And ex husbands? To "spare any hurt feelings"?

I spend it with my ex-H. Sometimes with my in laws but when we don’t it’s my ex-H’s choice.

I’m not the norm so I don’t think you should. It’s just not that big of a deal for me to see him/them 4x a year… Xmas, thanksgiving, (we don’t do Easter or the 4th), birthday, etc.

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Anonymous wrote:I think you have to start thinking about what holidays will look like from now on.
You can (and probably should) be firm about excluding them this Thanksgiving, but recognize that in the future - potentially this Christmas - they will do the same in return.
It's worth having a conversation with stb-ex now about how you want to handle holidays in general, and maybe you can implement that for this month and next month.

And we've discussed it. We are in agreement that we will rotate holidays. I get Thanksgiving this year, he gets Christmas this year, I get Easter next year, he gets 4th of July. And then we switch. He needs to communicate this to his family. It is no longer my job to do that.

What about graduations/weddings/etc?

Together or separate?

Give this woman a break. She is barely divorced (not even). I am impressed they have figured out the arrangements for next year already. Presumably what you mention above are at least sveeral years away.

Relax Karen it’s just a simple question.

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Anonymous wrote:DH and I are separated, he moved out a few months ago. We are still going to therapy for kid's sake. He told his side of the family. They are under some weird impression that I am hosting Thanksgiving this year. I am not. This year, it will be just the kids and my parents. I am not having a big get together, I got stuck with hosting throughout our marriage and I can't say I particularly enjoyed it. They are all aghast as to "why aren't you hosting? You are not divorced." We are not divorced, but we are getting there. I want to get us to a point where we are at least on good terms but no, we are not reconciling and moving back together. ILs are now calling my parents, guilt tripping them that "they get to spend time with grandkids during the holidays and they are not". This is so unfair.

I need to nip it in the bud once and for all but how? Without cussing them out?

In all seriousness, did you make this decision yourself or jointly with your soon to be ex? I can see why the other grandparents could be feeling hurt.

+1. So the kids live with you and you are cooking for them and inviting your parents, but not inviting ILs or DH. I totally understand why you don't want to host a big dinner, but you need to start thinking about custody and time. What is the plan with your ex? If part of the issue is that you don't want to have to micromanage your ex's and IL's time with the kids, I totally get that, but you need to be direct with your STBXH and direct at least once with your ILs. "Sylvia, it is Larlo's responsibility to make sure you get time with the grandkids. I have them on Thanksgiving Day. He has yet to let me know if he is seeing them another day that weekend. You need to talk to him about plans."

I love this - it's absolutely fantastic stuff. OP and her husband are separated and on the way to divorce and OP is still responsible for managing everyone's feelings and expectations. Literally not one thought towards what OP might be going through emotionally as her marriage dissolves, just demands.

We will never get the f out of 1950 with all this sexist bs still being shoved down our throats.

Thank you! People need to grow up.

It's not 1950's to think of the children first.

Oh COMON. Don't you think OP is thinking of the kids? Sheesh, you people can be CRUEL.

Anonymous wrote:I feel bad for the kids

Oh dear God, have some compassion. The woman is divorcing her husband for presumably "legit" reasons, inc that it sounds like she has ben expected to take on way more than her fair share of duties (at least with regard to in laws, and extrapoloating therefor even further to be more generally) -- is being put upon now, and told to manage her in laws feelings -- and your remark is that you feel bad for the kids?

it sucks for the kids thta the parents are getting divorce but can we please assume the OP isn't ding this on a whim and cares about her kids' welfare and yet has decided this is inth ebest interest of everyone?

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Anonymous wrote:If you have the kids for Thanksgiving, your soon to be ex is getting them for Xmas, right?

Have you read the thread, dear? Please do so.

Yes, I read that OP is making herself and her parents a priority this Thanksgiving.

Then you should also have read that her ex gets the kids at Christmas. Or do you have selective blindness in order to paint OP as a shrew?

There is no reason why they cannot come to Thanksgiving.

They cannot come because she does not wish to host them. That is the only reason needed. If they want to spend time with her and the grandchildren, they could offer to host, and then OP could accept or not. But they don't actually want to do any work, they just want to steam and pout that they don't get a nice meal served to them while they lift nary a finger.

Is this OP? Because this info doesn't seem to be in anything she posted.

And to be clear, I support OP not having her ILs. I just think it's counterproductive to not communicate with them about it.

Did you read the title of this thread? Sure sounds like it to me.

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Anonymous wrote:If you have the kids for Thanksgiving, your soon to be ex is getting them for Xmas, right?

Have you read the thread, dear? Please do so.

Yes, I read that OP is making herself and her parents a priority this Thanksgiving.

Then you should also have read that her ex gets the kids at Christmas. Or do you have selective blindness in order to paint OP as a shrew?

There is no reason why they cannot come to Thanksgiving.

They cannot come because she does not wish to host them. That is the only reason needed. If they want to spend time with her and the grandchildren, they could offer to host, and then OP could accept or not. But they don't actually want to do any work, they just want to steam and pout that they don't get a nice meal served to them while they lift nary a finger.

Is this OP? Because this info doesn't seem to be in anything she posted.

And to be clear, I support OP not having her ILs. I just think it's counterproductive to not communicate with them about it.

I totally support OP refusing to communicate with her in laws, but she can’t also then act surprised when they respond from a position of not knowing what the hell is going on. And it sure seems like OP could have predicted this would happen because she knows her ex doesn’t give it to his parents straight.

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Anonymous wrote:If you have the kids for Thanksgiving, your soon to be ex is getting them for Xmas, right?

Have you read the thread, dear? Please do so.

Yes, I read that OP is making herself and her parents a priority this Thanksgiving.

Then you should also have read that her ex gets the kids at Christmas. Or do you have selective blindness in order to paint OP as a shrew?

There is no reason why they cannot come to Thanksgiving.

They cannot come because she does not wish to host them. That is the only reason needed. If they want to spend time with her and the grandchildren, they could offer to host, and then OP could accept or not. But they don't actually want to do any work, they just want to steam and pout that they don't get a nice meal served to them while they lift nary a finger.

No, OP made it clear that it will be a Thanksgiving for HER, HER parents, and HER children,

I know this. My point is that some posters seem to think that she's being a witch by not allowing the grandparents access to the grandkids on Thanksgiving. If it is really important to them, they could offer to host, thus taking some responsibility off of her plate, which OP could then happily decline. But they haven't even apparently considered this, which makes their complaining and nagging worthy of many eye rolls.

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Anonymous wrote:If you have the kids for Thanksgiving, your soon to be ex is getting them for Xmas, right?

Have you read the thread, dear? Please do so.

Yes, I read that OP is making herself and her parents a priority this Thanksgiving.

Then you should also have read that her ex gets the kids at Christmas. Or do you have selective blindness in order to paint OP as a shrew?

Dear, she announced HER plans for Thanksgiving. I wouldn't call her a shrew, but she does sound a bit controlling,

No, she announced the Thanksgiving plans that she AND HER EX agreed together. Reading comprehension doesn't seem your strong point.

That was NOT what her original post stated. I think her husband needs to take a firmer stance with his controlling soon to be ex wife.

You should probably read the entire thread before swanning in with your ill-informed opinion.

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Anonymous wrote:If you have the kids for Thanksgiving, your soon to be ex is getting them for Xmas, right?

Have you read the thread, dear? Please do so.

Yes, I read that OP is making herself and her parents a priority this Thanksgiving.

Then you should also have read that her ex gets the kids at Christmas. Or do you have selective blindness in order to paint OP as a shrew?

There is no reason why they cannot come to Thanksgiving.

They cannot come because she does not wish to host them. That is the only reason needed. If they want to spend time with her and the grandchildren, they could offer to host, and then OP could accept or not. But they don't actually want to do any work, they just want to steam and pout that they don't get a nice meal served to them while they lift nary a finger.

No, OP made it clear that it will be a Thanksgiving for HER, HER parents, and HER children,