OP I reflect often on the nature of what I call "commentary culture". It's that part of people who feel _entitled_ to burden others with unasked for an unneeded remarks in an effort to get information they do not need.

It is a weird form of impoliteness that presumes someone's curiosity should always eclipse someone else's privacy. WHY? Why does it matter to anyone that they know the reasons for why you have the child you do?

This is a problem I have observed getting worse and worse and worse. Every adoptive family at the playground, for example, ends up being asked questions about their "story". Why? Why do strangers' fascination with this matter so much to THEM? Why can't people just let people live their lives?

People with no investment in your life whatsoever have no inherent right to extract information from you by way of comments, and that is literally what they are doing. Feel free to respond with something harsh like "My choices are none of your business."

Or, perhaps "I do not discuss my family with people outside my family"

Or, "Why do my choices fascinate you so? Because I'm really not curious about yours at all."

Or, "I'm sure there are messageboards where you can satisfy your need to get into the business of strangers."

Or... etc etc.

HUgs to you.


I'm sorry for the pain this has caused you.

Anonymous wrote:

OP, most people would not have made the choice that you made. Most cannot understand that someone would have willingly made that choice and what they are doing is sharing information with you. What you have to do as a parent is your responsiblity, No one elses. You don't have to waste energy on people. You already have a full plate.

Speak for yourself!!! You have NO IDEA what most people would do if they were in this situation.

Roughly 80% of pregnancies with Down syndrome are terminated, so yes, we do have an idea what most people do in this situation. Most people don’t make the choice OP made.

Children are a gift!

OP, you sound like a wonderful mom. Your DC is lucky to have you.

Some of the comments on this thread are horrifying.

Anonymous wrote:
We got DC's diagnosis prenatally. While their condition has brought extra challenges, DC has a good life and has brought a lot of joy to our family. My problem is judgement from other people. Multiple times, people have said things to me like, "Didn't you get the tests?" or "You know, they can test for that now." The assumption is that I was either negligent or uninformed, otherwise I would have terminated the pregnancy. Or I guess some people assume I'm very religious. It does not seem to have occurred to anyone that we carefully weighed the latest information and made an informed decision to have this child, not because of abortion restrictions or fear of eternal damnation, but because we already loved them and knew we could give them a good life. The charitable part of me thinks people are just uneducated and relying on old stereotypes. The angry mama bear part of me is tempted to ask them, "So you think my child shouldn't be alive?" It's very tiresome. Can anyone else relate?




Yes, I can.

I can only advise to find more compassionate, open-minded friends.

I can relate also.
Agree with the above PP who told you to keep asking the other person questions until they finally realize how rude and ignorant their remarks were.

OP, most people would not have made the choice that you made. Most cannot understand that someone would have willingly made that choice and what they are doing is sharing information with you. What you have to do as a parent is your responsiblity, No one elses. You don't have to waste energy on people. You already have a full plate.

Speak for yourself!!! You have NO IDEA what most people would do if they were in this situation.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a medically disabled child. Its not a condition you can test for. have no judgements on those that would terminate. This life isn't for everyone.

It’s one thing to withhold judgement for someone who chooses to abort a child who will need a level of parenting and medical support that a particular family can’t handle. It’s another to imply what a shame it is that someone did not abort their currently existing child.

OP here. Exactly. And for the record, I am pro-choice. I made a choice to have this child, and that choice is not for everyone. It was not an easy choice for us, but I do not regret it. What is frustrating is having to defend my choice, and defend my child's right to be here.

Why are you assuming that people jumping to the conclusion your child should have been aborted? Maybe they are just curious and ultimately respect your choice and admire your courage to chose a path you knew would be difficult and challenging and expensive.

Granted, it’s no one’s business and I’ll certainly be more sensitive about asking such questions in the future.

OP here. If this thread has made some people more considerate, then it was worth it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I think it’s guilt talking.

Most of us would have made the choice to terminate. And while we know our logic would be sound and we are still good people, we also know our choice would not be the kindest, most maternal choice. Your decision makes us question our ethics and the conditionality of our love, and that causes some to lash out with inexcusable rudeness.

+1. I made that choice and think about it often, and I think less of myself because of it. Still, if I have to make that choice today, after all those years, I would choose the same.
I do not lash at others and admire them for choosing differently.
OP, enjoy your child and ignore the noise.

OP here. I hope you aren't too hard on yourself. Getting a prenatal diagnosis is traumatic, and I have the deepest empathy for anyone who has been through that. We had to make life-altering decisions under incredible stress. Ultimately, you did what was best for you, and I did what was best for me. That's why these decisions are best left to the people most impacted by them.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a medically disabled child. Its not a condition you can test for. have no judgements on those that would terminate. This life isn't for everyone.

It’s one thing to withhold judgement for someone who chooses to abort a child who will need a level of parenting and medical support that a particular family can’t handle. It’s another to imply what a shame it is that someone did not abort their currently existing child.

OP here. Exactly. And for the record, I am pro-choice. I made a choice to have this child, and that choice is not for everyone. It was not an easy choice for us, but I do not regret it. What is frustrating is having to defend my choice, and defend my child's right to be here.

Why are you assuming that people jumping to the conclusion your child should have been aborted? Maybe they are just curious and ultimately respect your choice and admire your courage to chose a path you knew would be difficult and challenging and expensive.

Granted, it’s no one’s business and I’ll certainly be more sensitive about asking such questions in the future.

If you’d seen some of the comments on this thread before the moderator removed them, you’d understand why someone might jump to that conclusion.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a medically disabled child. Its not a condition you can test for. have no judgements on those that would terminate. This life isn't for everyone.

It’s one thing to withhold judgement for someone who chooses to abort a child who will need a level of parenting and medical support that a particular family can’t handle. It’s another to imply what a shame it is that someone did not abort their currently existing child.

OP here. Exactly. And for the record, I am pro-choice. I made a choice to have this child, and that choice is not for everyone. It was not an easy choice for us, but I do not regret it. What is frustrating is having to defend my choice, and defend my child's right to be here.

Why are you assuming that people jumping to the conclusion your child should have been aborted? Maybe they are just curious and ultimately respect your choice and admire your courage to chose a path you knew would be difficult and challenging and expensive.

Granted, it’s no one’s business and I’ll certainly be more sensitive about asking such questions in the future.

Anonymous wrote:OP, I think it’s guilt talking.

Most of us would have made the choice to terminate. And while we know our logic would be sound and we are still good people, we also know our choice would not be the kindest, most maternal choice. Your decision makes us question our ethics and the conditionality of our love, and that causes some to lash out with inexcusable rudeness.

+1. I made that choice and think about it often, and I think less of myself because of it. Still, if I have to make that choice today, after all those years, I would choose the same.
I do not lash at others and admire them for choosing differently.
OP, enjoy your child and ignore the noise.