Anonymous wrote:I think maybe Jeff needs to come in and review the IP address(es) of the manipulative troll who always comes in to a) insist that all children must maintain relationships with their parents, no matter how terrible the parents are; and 2) insists that everywhere else in the entire world is much better than the US in terms of parent-adult children relationships. Also probably the same troll who 3) insists moving parents to assisted living is monstrous; and 4) opposes end-of-life decisions to discontinue interventions that are only prolonging life, because quantity over quality.

But in any event -- to the OP and to others who have posted similar stories -- I'm a living example of someone who cut my narcissistic, alcoholic, abusive father off twenty years ago now. After much therapy, I realized that there was ABSOLUTELY NOTHING I could do to set boundaries that my father would respect. It didn't matter if I asked nicely, if I explained my feelings, if I reasoned with him, or if I yelled at him or ignored him. My feelings do not matter and have never mattered to him.

My father did not attend my wedding and he's never met any of my three children. He's now 84 and will likely die soon. I'm sure I might be a little sad, but I did most of my mourning twenty years ago in mourning the fantasy of having a good dad who would love and respect me. His death will the end of any possibility of rapprochement, but he chooses not to change and I choose not to subject myself or my family to his abusive behavior. Done and done.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Set expectations from the start of the call - 'mom, I've only got 30 minutes and then I need to go to [work, doctor, whatever] but I wanted to make sure to talk to you' and then when you've got five minutes left remind her.

Treat her like a child: set expectations, give her a warning, hold firm.

You're a good and kind person - use some of the kindness directed at your mom on YOURSELF too.

OP already said this does not work.

It's a tough situation.

Anonymous wrote:PP and I’m going over to my mom’s house for a visit.

My mom is one who considers it rude to read a magazine, watch tv or do anything except pay rapt attention to her while she puts on a performance. Today, she will show me pictures of a family event that I missed and read from her handwritten list of topics she deems essential-all about people I either do t know/never met or random relatives overseas, most I’ve met once.

I’m dreading this and will literally set a timer and proclaim that I must leave by x time to arrive back at home for…something. Can’t say that it’s for my DC, home from college because armed w/ this info, Mom will demand this DC visit.
Hate that I have to be circumspect and vague to manage her expectations.

Mom will ne away for Thanksgiving with other family members and she’s already whining that if I do not visit her today, o will not see her until December.

Anonymous wrote:OP, 45 minutes is too much. Even 30 is pushing it with her behavior. I'd try giving her 15 minutes and then a cheery, "okay, Mom, I have to go. Bye!" and then you *hang up first*.

Will she like it? No. But she wouldn't like anything that involves you setting a boundary. Focus on what YOU need and not what will please HER, because the answer to the latter is nothing.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do so many people post these threads on DCUM? You know damn well all the maladjusted broken people will come out of the woodwork pressuring you be the worst possible version of a DD you can be, instead of helping you deal with your mother the way she is without suffering yourself. Telling you to cut her off instead of helping you have compassion. To only focus on your own feelings and needs instead of the feelings and needs of an elderly person WHO GAVE BIRTH TO YOU AND RAISED YOU. As if you're somehow not capable of being a normal, decent person. As if in your moment of weakness they're urging you "Do it!! Just do it!! Be your worst self! Follow your basest instincts!!!" instead of telling you that you feel bad now but it will get better, that you can handle it, etc.

It's so predictable and disgusting. The people who were raised in a normal way and are healthy get drowned out or don't bother with these threads. You're just getting the worst possible advice, OP. But I'm sure you expected that when you posted.

Ah. I think we've found the monster. The one who always keeps telling us it's fine our parents make us suffer, because they gave birth to us.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Set expectations from the start of the call - 'mom, I've only got 30 minutes and then I need to go to [work, doctor, whatever] but I wanted to make sure to talk to you' and then when you've got five minutes left remind her.

Treat her like a child: set expectations, give her a warning, hold firm.

You're a good and kind person - use some of the kindness directed at your mom on YOURSELF too.

OP already said this does not work.

It's a tough situation.

Anonymous wrote:Set expectations from the start of the call - 'mom, I've only got 30 minutes and then I need to go to [work, doctor, whatever] but I wanted to make sure to talk to you' and then when you've got five minutes left remind her.

Treat her like a child: set expectations, give her a warning, hold firm.

You're a good and kind person - use some of the kindness directed at your mom on YOURSELF too.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your mother has obvious issues.

But I do relate to her request that you focus on the call when you are talking to her (she probably looks forward to that all week).

I hate when people multitask when they are supposedly giving you their attention. It is obvious, and hurtful.

But, you need to tell her ahead of time how much time you have for the call. Set a timer, and tell her sorry that you need to do X.

As a mom, I think 45 minutes or one hour is not that much for two people to connect once a week (i.e., explain all of their news, especially if you have children). But regardless you are allowed to set boundaries. I think you should tell her in advance so she can prioritize her topics.

OP here. The 45 minutes is the problem. Even if I say I have only 45 minutes and need to end the call at X time, that is not ok. My mom wants to literally talk for 2-3 hours or more until she has something else she’s looking forward to (a TV show, dinner) come up. The whole reason I posted is because she throws a crying tantrum if I say I “only” have a certain amount of time to talk and when I say I have to go.

Anonymous wrote:Your mother has obvious issues.

But I do relate to her request that you focus on the call when you are talking to her (she probably looks forward to that all week).

I hate when people multitask when they are supposedly giving you their attention. It is obvious, and hurtful.

But, you need to tell her ahead of time how much time you have for the call. Set a timer, and tell her sorry that you need to do X.

As a mom, I think 45 minutes or one hour is not that much for two people to connect once a week (i.e., explain all of their news, especially if you have children). But regardless you are allowed to set boundaries. I think you should tell her in advance so she can prioritize her topics.

Anonymous wrote:Hugs, OP. My elderly mom insists that SHE be called and will never call any of her adult children. Mom also becomes irate when my sister, who lives in an ocean side community, calls on her daily beach walks before she heads into work. Yes, my mom whines to me that my sister can’t prioritize her and only calls whiles she does something else.

I now call my mom when I’m pulling weeds, cleaning outside windows, folding laundry - haven’t yet been “caught” doing any of these activities.

I used to call her while driving home from work - but now consider this distracted driving so will no longer do this.