Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I did have 3 kids in my 30s and now I have 3 kids in my 40s. Everyone we interact with has kids so no one would act smug about having kids. My oldest is now 13. We have friends who have kids in college and high school. I don’t think anyone really cares about the family status of others. I know I don’t.

I met some childless people yesterday. I asked what they liked to do and they said they stayed home a lot and cooked. I don’t think they played sports, hiked or even traveled. As a married mom of 3, I go out with friends at least once a week, once with my husband and multiple times with my kids. Did they think I was smug? I hope not. I did think they were kind of boring.

Most of the DINKS I know also spend most of their time at home hanging out. On the one hand, they seem to have a very strong relationship from having so much time together. On the other, I am puzzled by the fact that they don't do more with their freedom.

Pp here. That’s what surprised me. I have 3 kids. Our schedules are packed with their sports, music lessons, play dates, birthday parties, dance, scouts, etc. I also have friends who like to hang out with and without the kids. We also travel a lot. We visit my family, in laws, family vacations and I also go on 1-3 girls trips (no kids) per year. They didn’t seem like they did much at all. I don’t have to explain what a boring person is.

I went to a day party today and everyone was cool. Some people are just more energetic and like to go out and explore more.

OP, what are you actually referring to? I don’t know anyone like this. I got married in my 20s, had my first at 31, second at 33, and I absolutely do not look down on others who have had different life paths. Nor do any of my friends who are in the same boat. I’m grateful for how things have worked out for me, acknowledge that a lot of it was due to sheer luck, and sure, I wonder sometimes if my friends in my late 30s are going to have kids, but I don’t think I’m better than they are.

OP, you are posting on a forum called dc urban MOM. I think this is the wrong forum to post your frustrations on parents of 3 kids. We are dealing with sleep deprivation, potty training, teaching our kids to read, etc. I don’t think we are thinking about you and your lack of kids.

Anonymous wrote:People are always insecure about something. Have never heard of having kids before advanced maternal age being one of them. What a strange thing to say about a mother. Maybe it is because I’m a mother but I have never experienced anyone being smug about being a young mom or a mom of 3. I think anyone who is planning or wants to have kids usually has them before 35. I had my third at 38. No one cares if you have your kids at 25 or 35. Having kids in your late 30s is also fine. I think all my friends had their kids in their 30s.

Wanted to add I’m now mid forties. None of my friends are having kids. We all had 1-3 by age 40. A few had a last kid at age 40-41. I’m almost 45 and no one in my circles is having kids now.

People are always insecure about something. Have never heard of having kids before advanced maternal age being one of them. What a strange thing to say about a mother. Maybe it is because I’m a mother but I have never experienced anyone being smug about being a young mom or a mom of 3. I think anyone who is planning or wants to have kids usually has them before 35. I had my third at 38. No one cares if you have your kids at 25 or 35. Having kids in your late 30s is also fine. I think all my friends had their kids in their 30s.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had my son when I was 30. He was a very high needs baby/toddler and I learned quickly not to disclose this to many because there was so much condescending advice from parents with easy babies. It really, really bothered me when I was struggling.
So far though I have found more often it's moms of 3+ in general (young or not) who are smug when their kids are in the under ~12 ages. Not sure why. I'm one of 4 and my mom did it largely on her own while my father worked long hours. It wasn't a cake walk. Most moms of 3+ I know have A LOT of help but act like they know/do so much more. I know it's not the case though so I ignore it.

I’ve noticed this as well. Many people seem to think raising 3 kids means they know everything about all kids, regardless of whether they started having them younger or older.

Hmm. This is interesting and I’m reflecting whether people think this is true about me. I do offer a lot of advice to younger parents. My experience with three is that there is a wide variation in kids’ temperaments and development, and if you only have one or two, you might not have that perspective, so I try to tell people that they shouldn’t feel bad if X didn’t work for their kid. Kids are like flowers—some things are pretty universal like sun and water, but what works for a daisy won’t work for a rose bush or whatever., and no matter what you do to that daisy, you’re not going to end up with roses.

This is my experience with moms of 3+ (or frankly even 2 if they were easy babies)... lots of advice and assuming they know more or have more perspective.... that, to me, comes across as smug. I was a teacher and saw plenty, I don't need someone whose sample size is 3 to tell me about development.

Anonymous wrote:I had 4 children by 35. Solidly middle class.

Trust that I am so busy with my kids that I don't have the time or bandwith to judge you in any form.

I suggest that you look internally OP on why you are reacting the way you are.

You sound like you are projecting your insecurities to others OP.

Anonymous wrote:I did have 3 kids in my 30s and now I have 3 kids in my 40s. Everyone we interact with has kids so no one would act smug about having kids. My oldest is now 13. We have friends who have kids in college and high school. I don’t think anyone really cares about the family status of others. I know I don’t.

I met some childless people yesterday. I asked what they liked to do and they said they stayed home a lot and cooked. I don’t think they played sports, hiked or even traveled. As a married mom of 3, I go out with friends at least once a week, once with my husband and multiple times with my kids. Did they think I was smug? I hope not. I did think they were kind of boring.

Cooking and reading and watching shows together isn't boring to me, it's what my spouse and I did before kids. Hiking, sports, and travel are good in small doses, but I never have and could never make them the center of my leisure time. I think going out every week is boring and exhausting, even if it's with good friends. You do come off as smug and shallow, but you probably reinforced their choice to not have kids.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had my son when I was 30. He was a very high needs baby/toddler and I learned quickly not to disclose this to many because there was so much condescending advice from parents with easy babies. It really, really bothered me when I was struggling.
So far though I have found more often it's moms of 3+ in general (young or not) who are smug when their kids are in the under ~12 ages. Not sure why. I'm one of 4 and my mom did it largely on her own while my father worked long hours. It wasn't a cake walk. Most moms of 3+ I know have A LOT of help but act like they know/do so much more. I know it's not the case though so I ignore it.

I’ve noticed this as well. Many people seem to think raising 3 kids means they know everything about all kids, regardless of whether they started having them younger or older.

Hmm. This is interesting and I’m reflecting whether people think this is true about me. I do offer a lot of advice to younger parents. My experience with three is that there is a wide variation in kids’ temperaments and development, and if you only have one or two, you might not have that perspective, so I try to tell people that they shouldn’t feel bad if X didn’t work for their kid. Kids are like flowers—some things are pretty universal like sun and water, but what works for a daisy won’t work for a rose bush or whatever., and no matter what you do to that daisy, you’re not going to end up with roses.

Why would you think it takes three kids to know this? I have a sort of crazy easy, independent, confident only child. People ask me how she got to be that way. My response is always “they come as they come and all kids are different.” Doesn’t take a genius or a bunch of kids to figure out that life lesson…

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had my son when I was 30. He was a very high needs baby/toddler and I learned quickly not to disclose this to many because there was so much condescending advice from parents with easy babies. It really, really bothered me when I was struggling.
So far though I have found more often it's moms of 3+ in general (young or not) who are smug when their kids are in the under ~12 ages. Not sure why. I'm one of 4 and my mom did it largely on her own while my father worked long hours. It wasn't a cake walk. Most moms of 3+ I know have A LOT of help but act like they know/do so much more. I know it's not the case though so I ignore it.

I’ve noticed this as well. Many people seem to think raising 3 kids means they know everything about all kids, regardless of whether they started having them younger or older.

Hmm. This is interesting and I’m reflecting whether people think this is true about me. I do offer a lot of advice to younger parents. My experience with three is that there is a wide variation in kids’ temperaments and development, and if you only have one or two, you might not have that perspective, so I try to tell people that they shouldn’t feel bad if X didn’t work for their kid. Kids are like flowers—some things are pretty universal like sun and water, but what works for a daisy won’t work for a rose bush or whatever., and no matter what you do to that daisy, you’re not going to end up with roses.

To some degree that's true, but there aren't just three types of kids in this world. You still don't know what's universal based on a sample size of three. I've had mothers of multiples make comments that are flatly wrong about my kids. Eg if I commented about how stubborn my child was, I'd get comments on how all kids are like that. My kids are not nt. I didn't know that when they were toddlers, but I was right about what I was seeing.

We weren’t able to have three kids because of health issues and when we had our second (last) baby, years later than our first, my happily married friends with three kids just doted on our baby and could not have been happier for us. It’s easy to project smugness when you’re jealous, but the reality is that most people are just living their lives, not looking down on others. All we can do is play the hand we’re dealt and do it with the best attitude possible.

OP hates one mom who is 35 with 3 kids and now thinks this is a “smug demographic.” I don’t quite fit the stats (3 kids by 36), but like a PP I also use Botox so that shaved off at least a year (kidding sort of). I actually try to downplay having 3 because I don’t want friends with 1-2 kids to feel like they have to cater to my schedule or try to otherwise give off some vibe that I know more about parenting because I have more kids. In fact sometimes I feel inferior because DH and I have to divide and conquer with kids whereas we have good friends with an only who can both make it to all of her activities. Thankfully they aren’t smug about having more time for their one kid and we aren’t smug about having 3. We drive a minivan and our lives basically revolve around dance, swim, baseball, etc. Not sure what I would even be smug about!

Op, as evidenced by this thread, there’s far more vitriol and judgment hurled at women with 3+ kids than those with less. You’ll be fine

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had my son when I was 30. He was a very high needs baby/toddler and I learned quickly not to disclose this to many because there was so much condescending advice from parents with easy babies. It really, really bothered me when I was struggling.
So far though I have found more often it's moms of 3+ in general (young or not) who are smug when their kids are in the under ~12 ages. Not sure why. I'm one of 4 and my mom did it largely on her own while my father worked long hours. It wasn't a cake walk. Most moms of 3+ I know have A LOT of help but act like they know/do so much more. I know it's not the case though so I ignore it.

I’ve noticed this as well. Many people seem to think raising 3 kids means they know everything about all kids, regardless of whether they started having them younger or older.

Hmm. This is interesting and I’m reflecting whether people think this is true about me. I do offer a lot of advice to younger parents. My experience with three is that there is a wide variation in kids’ temperaments and development, and if you only have one or two, you might not have that perspective, so I try to tell people that they shouldn’t feel bad if X didn’t work for their kid. Kids are like flowers—some things are pretty universal like sun and water, but what works for a daisy won’t work for a rose bush or whatever., and no matter what you do to that daisy, you’re not going to end up with roses.

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry things haven’t happened the way you hope (truly)…but no one is judging you or feeling smug about your circumstances

NP but they 100% are. I had a mom-friend turn on me when she found out I am 10 years older than her. Like she stopped texting me back, stopped allowing her kid to play with mine, I don't understand.