Anonymous wrote:I don't think I've spoken to my in-laws more than 5 times on the phone over my 20-year marriage. I can't imagine having to sit for 45-minute video call.

Same!! Let alone every weekend, that is crazy!

Anonymous wrote:I like my inlaws. I text my MIL far more often than my DH does and send her photos from every mildly interesting event that my DCs participate in. Having said that, I would never do a weekly FaceTime call them them. If DH is speaking with his parents, I wave in the background and say hello and continue about my day.

I would also never ask DH to participate in weekly call with my own family.

Same! My DH speaks to his parents by phone about 2x a week. I am not involved and that's fine. I Zoom with my sister and parents every weekend. Other than a wave or a hi, DH is not involved nor should he be. That would be an excruciating hour for him every weekend, and he likes my parents just fine. Why fake stuff like this?

OP, I read your update.

My MIL is the same. Sometimes I wasn't available to do the full family interaction each time. Work, illness, wasn't in the mood, whatever. DH and I would argue because he didn't want the blowback from his mom about why I wasn't participating every time. DH heard it all from MIL (Was something wrong with our marriage? Was I mad at the ILs? Maybe we should reschedule so I could be available.)

DH and I finally got on the same page. Fortunately, it sounds like you and DH are already there. My DH would simply inform them when I wasn't available to be part of a visit (we're kinda local), call, etc. "DW can't make it this Saturday. Hey, do you guys have the tree up yet?" MIL would follow up with worried emails to him, and send passive aggressive emails to me hoping I "feel better soon." LOL

Bottom line >>> neutrality. Your mom can want your DH to participate, she can want DD to be a perfect child with a perfect childhood, she can try to figure out what's going on in your household and marriage. She can do this on her own time in her own mind.

You choose to not let this actually upset the workings of your household and marriage. That's your boundary. "Mom, I hear you, and our family is good." Try to say this lightly without an irritated tone. Repeat as necessary. Your mom's thoughts aren't under your control, but entertaining her agitation and suggestions is under your control.

If I were your husband I’d be very upset you aren’t shutting this down. It’s your job as a spouse to manage your parents. I don’t do FaceTime.

In person however, I’m very attentive to my in-laws and will sit and talk to them for days.

Be honest- mom, I’m not doing these calls for DH. I’m doing them so DC can get to know her grandparents. When he can join, great. But I can’t guarantee that for you. I’m doing my best here to get a 2 year old on facetime every week, so I need you to cut me a little break on this.”

“OK, it sounds like it’s not a good time so we’ll try next week. Have a good one!” Bye.

They need to chill. Not necessary for him to participate in FaceTime

“Bob’s not really a Facetime person. He says hi!” and move right on to the next thing.

I don't think I've spoken to my in-laws more than 5 times on the phone over my 20-year marriage. I can't imagine having to sit for 45-minute video call.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Mom, if Janie and I talking to you on FaceTime doesn't work for you, by all means, we can stop the calls. Jim sometimes says hi, but he's got other things to do, and yeah, sometimes Janie would rather not be on a call. What with her being THREE and all. So if all you're going to do is complain and be 'concerned,' I'll end these calls because they've become a tiresome chore for me. If you can be content with the calls, let me know. It's entirely up to you. If you complain again, I'll know you don't want these calls anymore."

God I hate these suggested dialogues. Do people really speak to other people like this? This is snotty and childish and passive aggressive.

So is OP's mom's behavior. She is literally being snotty and childish and passive aggressive. She can be on the receiving end. For once.

Yes, that's the answer. (It's not.)

Many of you need therapy.

You're triggered because you hate that people are finally standing up to bullies.

Not really. And that's not an effective way to stand up to a bully anyway. Be direct and firm and set boundaries and then keep your boundaries. That suggested response just continues a pattern of immature sniping and toxicity.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Mom, if Janie and I talking to you on FaceTime doesn't work for you, by all means, we can stop the calls. Jim sometimes says hi, but he's got other things to do, and yeah, sometimes Janie would rather not be on a call. What with her being THREE and all. So if all you're going to do is complain and be 'concerned,' I'll end these calls because they've become a tiresome chore for me. If you can be content with the calls, let me know. It's entirely up to you. If you complain again, I'll know you don't want these calls anymore."

God I hate these suggested dialogues. Do people really speak to other people like this? This is snotty and childish and passive aggressive.

So is OP's mom's behavior. She is literally being snotty and childish and passive aggressive. She can be on the receiving end. For once.

Yes, that's the answer. (It's not.)

Many of you need therapy.

You're triggered because you hate that people are finally standing up to bullies.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Mom, if Janie and I talking to you on FaceTime doesn't work for you, by all means, we can stop the calls. Jim sometimes says hi, but he's got other things to do, and yeah, sometimes Janie would rather not be on a call. What with her being THREE and all. So if all you're going to do is complain and be 'concerned,' I'll end these calls because they've become a tiresome chore for me. If you can be content with the calls, let me know. It's entirely up to you. If you complain again, I'll know you don't want these calls anymore."

God I hate these suggested dialogues. Do people really speak to other people like this? This is snotty and childish and passive aggressive.

So is OP's mom's behavior. She is literally being snotty and childish and passive aggressive. She can be on the receiving end. For once.

Yes, that's the answer. (It's not.)

Many of you need therapy.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Mom, if Janie and I talking to you on FaceTime doesn't work for you, by all means, we can stop the calls. Jim sometimes says hi, but he's got other things to do, and yeah, sometimes Janie would rather not be on a call. What with her being THREE and all. So if all you're going to do is complain and be 'concerned,' I'll end these calls because they've become a tiresome chore for me. If you can be content with the calls, let me know. It's entirely up to you. If you complain again, I'll know you don't want these calls anymore."

God I hate these suggested dialogues. Do people really speak to other people like this? This is snotty and childish and passive aggressive.

So is OP's mom's behavior. She is literally being snotty and childish and passive aggressive. She can be on the receiving end. For once.

Anonymous wrote:"Mom, if Janie and I talking to you on FaceTime doesn't work for you, by all means, we can stop the calls. Jim sometimes says hi, but he's got other things to do, and yeah, sometimes Janie would rather not be on a call. What with her being THREE and all. So if all you're going to do is complain and be 'concerned,' I'll end these calls because they've become a tiresome chore for me. If you can be content with the calls, let me know. It's entirely up to you. If you complain again, I'll know you don't want these calls anymore."

God I hate these suggested dialogues. Do people really speak to other people like this? This is snotty and childish and passive aggressive.

"Mom, if Janie and I talking to you on FaceTime doesn't work for you, by all means, we can stop the calls. Jim sometimes says hi, but he's got other things to do, and yeah, sometimes Janie would rather not be on a call. What with her being THREE and all. So if all you're going to do is complain and be 'concerned,' I'll end these calls because they've become a tiresome chore for me. If you can be content with the calls, let me know. It's entirely up to you. If you complain again, I'll know you don't want these calls anymore."