Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was reading this article in The Atlantic about the suicides at Palo Alto High School:

https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2015/12/the-silicon-valley-suicides/413140/

It seems like living in a pressure cooker full of wealthy, well-educated parents in a highly academic environment is a major factor in poor mental health among teenagers. I remember reading a sociological study showing that depression, anxiety, and drug abuse among teenagers plotted to their SES status was like a horseshoe -- most common among wealthy/UMC and poor teens (for very different reasons), but least common among the middle-middle class.

Anecdotally, from DD's private, it seems like almost half of the kids we know are on medications and see a therapist or psychiatrist on a regular basis. The stress and pressure just seem nuts to me, and the constant judgement and competition seem unhealthy for teenagers.

Are there any ways that we as parents can fix this? Pull our kids out of private and put them in an economically diverse public? Move to the Midwest? Insist that our kids don't have to take the most rigorous classes available to them? Be okay with them going to UMD or a SLAC ranked below the Top 20 rather than an Ivy? Put them in therapy with an intense cycle of medications?

I recommend The Price of Privilege: How Parental Pressure and Material Advantage Are Creating a Generation of Disconnected and Unhappy Kids by Madeline Levine.

I am UMC (HHI of $800k in Richmond) and your suggestions about economically diverse publics and not stressing about the most rigorous path are my philosophy. I attended an uber-competitive high school and was getting four hours of sleep a night in 10th grade. Then I went to a fairly highly ranked (back-up for Ivies) college and it was easy because my high school was so hard. I don't know that this gained me much advantage in life . . . I already had so many advantages. It did mean that I had rarely interacted with people who weren't at least solidly middle class.

So we're not doing that with our kids. They attend Title 1 city schools. None of our middle schools are fully accredited but guess what . . . they're just schools where lots of great things are happening. Our kids are curious and driven and caring and when we had to decide if we were going to make our 6th grader take Spanish (the only language offered) or the elected they really wanted, we went with the elective even knowing it could hurt high school application chances. We're fine with our zoned school if none of the application schools work out.

My kids are going to enter adulthood with resources and connections and life experiences thanks to their family situation, regardless of where they go to school and how rigorous it is. They will also be more able to relate to people who come from different backgrounds, and not in the empathy-tourism way that private schools do when they adopt an inner city school or whatever.

If you are at all interested in throwing off this constant parental anxiety that one false move on our part may screw our kids up forever, I think that's a worthwhile journey to take. With our income, our kids are ahead of almost every other human on the planet already. I don't know how to teach my kids what's important while throwing them into a maelstrom of what's not important (materialism, perfectionism, competitiveness for competitiveness' sake, etc.). Of course I want my kids to have fulfilling careers that pay the bills, but I also want to teach them -- and model -- that once your basic needs are met, more money doesn't make you happier. It's literally just, more money, more problems unless you can keep the perspective that everything beyond X is gravy rather than recalibrating your "needs" to meet your income every time your income increases. And it's much easier to do that when your neighbors, classmates, and friends represent a wide variety of backgrounds rather than all UMC strivers.

Talk is cheap. Show your kids what you value by how you live your life and structure theirs. If you surround yourself with a bunch of helicopter parents who just want to hang out at the country club all the time, then you will absorb their values and anxieties whether you want to or not. And this is a serious question . . . if the childhood you provide for your kids is all "pay to play" ($$$ to join the country club, $$$ to send them to school), then your kid has to strive for that income or else they'll feel like they're letting down their own kids, right? They won't have any concept of what it's like to go to public school or the neighborhood pool or whatever, and they'll feel like those things are "less than." So there goes any career that might be highly fulfilling like social work or teaching, but which doesn't pay enough to sustain that lifestyle. (Maybe this is why so many grandparents pay private school tuition, lol. . . .recognition that they gave their kids champagne tastes but only set them up to have a beer budget.)

Anonymous wrote:I was reading this article in The Atlantic about the suicides at Palo Alto High School:

https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2015/12/the-silicon-valley-suicides/413140/

It seems like living in a pressure cooker full of wealthy, well-educated parents in a highly academic environment is a major factor in poor mental health among teenagers. I remember reading a sociological study showing that depression, anxiety, and drug abuse among teenagers plotted to their SES status was like a horseshoe -- most common among wealthy/UMC and poor teens (for very different reasons), but least common among the middle-middle class.

Anecdotally, from DD's private, it seems like almost half of the kids we know are on medications and see a therapist or psychiatrist on a regular basis. The stress and pressure just seem nuts to me, and the constant judgement and competition seem unhealthy for teenagers.

Are there any ways that we as parents can fix this? Pull our kids out of private and put them in an economically diverse public? Move to the Midwest? Insist that our kids don't have to take the most rigorous classes available to them? Be okay with them going to UMD or a SLAC ranked below the Top 20 rather than an Ivy? Put them in therapy with an intense cycle of medications?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it starts young. Child is struggling a little in school...rush to get a diagnosis and meds. Child is struggling emotionally...rush to the shrink and meds. Parents are always trying to fix things instead of being patient and teaching coping mechanisms.

You don’t think therapists teach coping mechanisms?

I didn't say that therapists don't teach coping mechanisms. I said that parents rush to therapists/psychiatrists instead of trying to teach their kids coping mechanisms themselves. So many parents want a quick fix for their kids problems instead of realizing that kids may just be going through a phase or are maturing at a different rate than peers. These kids go from ADHD drugs to SSRIs to anti-anxiety meds...all by the time their 15 years old. I'm not saying that their aren't some kids for whom these medications are essential. But anyone who thinks there's not a ton of overdiagnosing going on these days is kidding themselves.

Well said.

And yet, every time a kid fails at school or struggles at an activity, there is a chorus of voices, including non-parents like teachers or coaches, blaming parents for their kids' struggles. You can't be both hands-off in promoting resilience and solely responsible for your kids' struggles. It's time that we examine the role that all adults, not just parents, play in perpetuating this cycle.

Resilience has nothing to do with anxiety and depression and maybe that is the problem. Parents are ultimately responsible for their child's needs and that includes mental health. If your child is having a mental health issue, you take them for an evaluation and therapy and do family therapy as well. Then, you reach out to the school and do what ever is equal to an IEP/504 at your school.

I think most parents do this, but the reality is that the process is not at all as simplistic as you lay it out to be. Nor is it cheap. Couple on the inter generational nature of mental illness and the likelihood that HHI parents are also managing careers in order to pay for said therapies. It’s massive burden.

Something’s gotta give, and that’s what we are seeing.

Low income have Medicaid which pays and other free resources. This is not an income issue. It’s a time issue. Parents need to find help, take the kids and make changes at home to better meet the kids needs. High hhi have zero excuse and if your career is the priority over your kids then it’s clear where your priorities are. Kids need involved parents. Kids, even teens need that 1-1 time and support.

Have you tried finding and booking a therapist that takes medicaid?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ban social media.

And cell phones.

Being constantly connected is a mental drain for an adult, let alone those still learning to control those faculties.


We all lived and thrived without both; now look what has happened with their presence.


Signed, someone in tech.

That's not the solution and as a parent you monitor/control them. Here's an idea.. as an adult/parent, step up and parent your kids. Stop looking at the schools and external factors to fix your kids.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s all about the parents.


Take pride in being the chill family who prioritizes having fun together on weekends vs getting up at 4am to travel to competitive sports practices/competitions. The family that eats dinner together instead of running in 12 different directions after school every single weekday.

Teach your kids that happiness comes from within. They don’t need to impress people. People-pleasing is exhausting and soul sucking. Make time for boredom… get to know yourself, what makes you happy/feel fulfilled without the weight of what anyone else thinks about it.

Make sure your kids have household responsibilities/chores as part of their daily routine. Little things. Putting away their own laundry, setting the table, emptying trash cans on trash days.

I agree that these are positive values and practices, but taken alone, they cannot prevent mental health difficulties, many of which are generic. I'm a member of this world and it makes me so sad to think of our kids suffering and struggling like this, and I certainly don't have any answers, but I do know that a multitude of factors are involved.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ban social media.

And cell phones.

Being constantly connected is a mental drain for an adult, let alone those still learning to control those faculties.


We all lived and thrived without both; now look what has happened with their presence.


Signed, someone in tech.

Anonymous wrote:It’s all about the parents.


Take pride in being the chill family who prioritizes having fun together on weekends vs getting up at 4am to travel to competitive sports practices/competitions. The family that eats dinner together instead of running in 12 different directions after school every single weekday.

Teach your kids that happiness comes from within. They don’t need to impress people. People-pleasing is exhausting and soul sucking. Make time for boredom… get to know yourself, what makes you happy/feel fulfilled without the weight of what anyone else thinks about it.

Make sure your kids have household responsibilities/chores as part of their daily routine. Little things. Putting away their own laundry, setting the table, emptying trash cans on trash days.

Anonymous wrote:The formula:

Affluence + secularism = despondency

Anonymous wrote:The formula:

Affluence + secularism = despondency

Anonymous wrote:Ban social media.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it starts young. Child is struggling a little in school...rush to get a diagnosis and meds. Child is struggling emotionally...rush to the shrink and meds. Parents are always trying to fix things instead of being patient and teaching coping mechanisms.

+ 1,000. The kneejerk reaction to get drugged is uniquely American. Many of these drugs actually INCREASE suicidal tendencies. But parents often ignore the tiny print warnings provided by big pharma and mandated by federal law.

The drug pushing by pharmaceutical corporations and the AMA is egregious. People who invest in this scam are ruthless.

My inattentive type adhd daughter was frustrated and sad as she struggled with organization and paying attention in class. Fast forward 2 years after getting her diagnosis and on a low dose med — she’s thriving and happy. We see it as the equivalent as needing glasses to read. A true diagnosis and proper med management is reasonable. The medication along with some behavior modifications — lots of to do lists and organizational planning have been a game changer for her. Medication is not always bad.