OP, it crossed my mind that if they had gotten hurt on your property, they could sue y’all. They would say that they had permission to be there with codes to enter certain area.

I can’t believe your BIL or SIL nonchalant attitude😳

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am ok to withdraw the privilege of using the vacation house from SIL and BIL, but I think it is extremely l petty to cancel the holiday plans for a misunderstanding.

Seriously, tell your DH to use the opportunity to put cameras in place and shut down on family using your place as an unpaid AirBnB going forward. It is a good lesson learned. But, don't be so emotionally immature and dysfunctional to cut off relationship with your siblings and nieces and nephews. Ugh.

Actually, I would blame you for not setting boundaries and expectations up front. Are you guys new money? Blue collar background perhaps, and maybe now you and your DH are better off than the rest of the family? It sounds like that kind of dynamics. It seems like a difference in SES norms.

Found the gaslighter.

Right? Who needs to say, "Oh, and by the way, please don't invite other people to stay at our house when YOU AREN'T EVEN THERE"? I'm from a blue-collar background, and while it might be reasonable to invite some friends to stay with them when they go, it's NOT reasonable to invite other people to stay at someone else's house without asking them. That's nuts.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is OP: I know this sounds wimpy but one thing I really dislike about this whole situation is that before now we felt ‘effortlessly generous’ in offering SIL use of the house. Because it’s so close we use it a lot all year but when we definitely know when we won’t be out we’ve let them know it’s open to them (like we had other plans for the end of June of through the 4th of July and had told them back in the spring to use if they liked. They know we were there the next weekend (7/8) so it wasn’t open-ended. And they’ve been seemingly great and leave nice things in pantry, wines, etc. My DH says he (BIL) obviously knew it was a bit sketchy so only offered porch and pool house, not house. It’s just so ballsy I guess that he just decided HE had right to offer.

Yeah, moving forward the house will be empty when you are not there. You can have them there for Labor Day because you will be there. But for a long while, they will not have access when you are not present. No code. No nothing. THAT is an appropriate consequence.

And you don’t have to make a big pronouncement. Just never say when you won’t be there. If they ever have the balls to ask if they can use it, you simply respond with, “No, that’s not possible.”

Yep. And change the codes, put locks on the pool and pool bathroom and porch and garage and everything else, and NEVER give them that information. If they show up without asking, NOTHING should be accessible to them.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is amazingly outrageous. I am fascinated by the part where these randos waited for you to tell them it was fine for them to stay. I want to know more about your SIL and her extended family. I’m guessing this is not the first major boundary violation you’ve encountered.

They probably assumed the OP knew they had been invited, so they didn't really do anything wrong here. They were probably just hoping that they wouldn't catch the fallout of someone else's mistake.

I can’t imagine staying at someone’s home without an invitation from the homeowners.

I can't imagine staying at someone's home without any *communication* with the homeowners!

Anonymous wrote:Aside from the BIL angle I also find it weird that the uninvited guests would want to sleep on the porch just so they would have access to a pool and a grill. Sleeping on a porch sounds uncomfortable and possibly very hot with the heat wave. I'd want to sleep in a bed or at least on mattress and access to a pool isn't worth it to give up a comfy nights sleep.

They were getting to go to a vacation spot for free . . . that was the appeal. If your budget for a vacation is $0, you'll sleep on a porch.


OP, sounds like a good update. Since it's your husband's sibling, it's definitely something for them to handle.

I wish I could have been a fly on the wall when BIL was offering it to his brother. Whose idea was it? And why? So many questions . . .

Aside from the BIL angle I also find it weird that the uninvited guests would want to sleep on the porch just so they would have access to a pool and a grill. Sleeping on a porch sounds uncomfortable and possibly very hot with the heat wave. I'd want to sleep in a bed or at least on mattress and access to a pool isn't worth it to give up a comfy nights sleep.

This is OP again: Family is huge to us so navigating how to handle this so that we feel comfortable with is our guide. As we left this morning we closed up with all new codes and will probably add cameras. DH is going to talk to his sister and our working plan is we’re still doing LDW. Not only are cousins close (our daughters are best friends, talk about rooming together when they get to college) and end of summer tradition is something we like too. Hopefully DH/his sister talk goes well, air is cleared - but I am staying out of that!!.

To clarify-the family who was there when we arrived clearly didn’t expect us to be showing up and started making those dramatic motions of packing up while at same time doing that pause, waiting for us to say please stay. Again-despite it being a second home w/pool, pool house - this isn’t a big place and so it would have been majorly uncomfortable with unknowns being there too so any suggestion we let them stay-urgh no!! Pool has automatic cover and the controls are inside locked pool house.
Also SIL family/we are basically same financially and we’re not new money - just making it through like most people. We pretty much lucked into making decision early in marriage to buy this place (still in apartment when we got it.)

OP … please update us.

BIL & SIL have lost the privilege of ever being there without OP. No more weekends to use the place when OP won’t be there. No more code to unlock the place. No more info shared about when OP is coming & going. They can be guests when OP is there. That’s it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This whole thing is so bizarre. This family (were there kids??) is so desperate for a vacation, they camp out on someone else’s screened in porch and use the outdoor shower?? I am guessing the BIL felt like it was okay because he didn’t give them codes to the actual house, just the pool house. Did he maybe think they were just going to swim for an afternoon, change in the pool house and leave? They didn’t actually go into the house, right? So strange.

I would be pretty pissed but I don’t think I would cancel the Labor Day weekend plans if all the kids really look forward to it. What the BIL was totally bone headed and seems clearly like a violation, but it didn’t seem like he was trying to pull one over on your or be cruel. Just clueless. Maybe the SIL was feeling put on the spot and plans to offer a better apology?

If he gave out the code to the house and you found a bunch of broken stuff, I would be way more angry.

Agreed. BIL was stupid, but no harm done, so take a few weeks, and get some perspective. It was a mistake but not one you end relationships over, IMHO.

Agree also. I would definitely be upset, set expectations and change the code. But please don’t let this be a permanent wedge in your relationship. LDH could go either way, but I would tend to keep the plans you already made. You will already have addressed the behavior—the rest just seems really punitive unless there have been other breaches. Live and learn.

Anonymous wrote:I am ok to withdraw the privilege of using the vacation house from SIL and BIL, but I think it is extremely l petty to cancel the holiday plans for a misunderstanding.

Seriously, tell your DH to use the opportunity to put cameras in place and shut down on family using your place as an unpaid AirBnB going forward. It is a good lesson learned. But, don't be so emotionally immature and dysfunctional to cut off relationship with your siblings and nieces and nephews. Ugh.

Actually, I would blame you for not setting boundaries and expectations up front. Are you guys new money? Blue collar background perhaps, and maybe now you and your DH are better off than the rest of the family? It sounds like that kind of dynamics. It seems like a difference in SES norms.

Found the gaslighter.

From the behavior of the unwanted house guests, I’d wager that BIL told them that you and the family would be in Friday night and probably would be ok with them crashing on the porch and outdoor area that weekend. Why else would they be pausing in between getting their stuff collected and out the door? Sister and BIL have probably been bragging about the access they have to the beach house to their friends and family. They blew it big time.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:SIL was pretty nonchalant, basically an oopsie ’we didn’t know you were going to go this weekend…’ And not that it really matters but despite pool, pool house this isn’t a fancy big house where there’s so much room we wouldn’t even notice extra guests.

Couldn’t your family sleep in the pool house and let the guy that was there first enjoy a few days? Just kicking him out makes yta.

Hey look, BIL's brother entered the chat!

:lol:

If you have them over on Labor Day, make sure the cameras are up and visible before these grifters arrive. No need to say anything, just let them see the cameras. Google nest outdoor cameras are on sale right now at target (or at least they were, since I just bought them, plus a nest doorbell!).

I am ok to withdraw the privilege of using the vacation house from SIL and BIL, but I think it is extremely l petty to cancel the holiday plans for a misunderstanding.

Seriously, tell your DH to use the opportunity to put cameras in place and shut down on family using your place as an unpaid AirBnB going forward. It is a good lesson learned. But, don't be so emotionally immature and dysfunctional to cut off relationship with your siblings and nieces and nephews. Ugh.

Actually, I would blame you for not setting boundaries and expectations up front. Are you guys new money? Blue collar background perhaps, and maybe now you and your DH are better off than the rest of the family? It sounds like that kind of dynamics. It seems like a difference in SES norms.