You pay OP

Thinking back on all the weddings I've attended for 30 years I have to say the top two were in someone's backyard. Steamers, paper tablecloths, lights strung, etc with a lot of folks asking "What do you need? More chairs? What else?" There was so.much.joy. at those occasions. Everyone relaxed in their best-est clothes, the bride and groom gorgeous in the happiness of their day. So simple, no stuffiness, with so many friends and family contributing whatever they could.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have four daughters and no sons. Three of our daughters have gotten married. We paid for the entire affair each time, with no expectation or request that the couple or the groom's parents pay anything. When the groom's parents offered, as each did to varying degrees, we accepted whatever help they offered and that was that. And we didn't judge or keep score.

We also didn't give our daughter's a "budget." They each told us what kind of wedding they had in mind, and we worked with them to make that kind of wedding happen. They all wanted something completely different from each other.

We also didn't hold our daughter's hostage on things like the guest list just because we were paying and they weren't. They took the lead on the list, and if cost kept people off, we cut from our wish list -- not from theirs.

We also helped all three with down payments.

There are certain things that you just DO for your daughters. Giving them the wedding they want is one of them.

Who pays for the wedding if the brides parents are broke? Should they take out a loan or 401k loan?

Everyone needs to work with what they have. Or don't have. Obviously you don't borrow to pay for a wedding.

My impression here is that there are lots of posters whose parents can easily pay but don't want to, on principle. There are also posters here who are jealous that their parents can't or won't pay, so they also criticize the notion that parents should pay.

If you're lucky enough to have generous parents with money, that's great. If not, stop judging others who do. It's not a good look, and it's none of your business.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Daughter just got engaged!! How soon do we start the who will pay for what discussions. Do we start with our daughter or the couple together. Any suggestions? p.s. we have never met future inlaws and it would require a plane ride to meet in person.

Groom pays for rehearsal dinner.

Bride pays for every thing else.

If both have been working for awhile, parents should not even have to pay for weddings.

x10000000


Over a certain age - couple looks ridiculous if their aging parents have to pay for a wedding!

I have no dog in this fight as my DC is still young. But they really don't look ridiculous if the parents want to gift this to their child. It's only ridiculous to have such rigid opinions on things like this.

My parents gave my sister and I each a set amount that was not extravagant but a solid amount. No strings attached. It was presented as, we're happy to give you $X toward your wedding. They then had nothing to do with any planning or the guest list and showed up at the wedding as lovely guests.

That's what I'll do with my own kids, who are boys and girls.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Daughter just got engaged!! How soon do we start the who will pay for what discussions. Do we start with our daughter or the couple together. Any suggestions? p.s. we have never met future inlaws and it would require a plane ride to meet in person.

Groom pays for rehearsal dinner.

Bride pays for every thing else.

If both have been working for awhile, parents should not even have to pay for weddings.

Why are you promoting this ridiculously antiquated arrangement?
-Mom of three boys

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I said we wouldn’t pay for a ($45k) wedding after full-pay private college. And then we did. Twice. Two daughters.

All I’d like is a bit of polite gratitude from the groom’s family. “Thanks for doing this for the kids! It was a splendid day.”

Wouldn’t that be nice? 20 years later and my ILs still routinely bring up and crow about the fact they never “had” to pay for a wedding since they only have sons. They also did not thank us or my parents (who paid for the bulk of the wedding) for hosting.

The joke is on the sons when it comes time for divorce.

Anonymous wrote:We have four daughters and no sons. Three of our daughters have gotten married. We paid for the entire affair each time, with no expectation or request that the couple or the groom's parents pay anything. When the groom's parents offered, as each did to varying degrees, we accepted whatever help they offered and that was that. And we didn't judge or keep score.

We also didn't give our daughter's a "budget." They each told us what kind of wedding they had in mind, and we worked with them to make that kind of wedding happen. They all wanted something completely different from each other.

We also didn't hold our daughter's hostage on things like the guest list just because we were paying and they weren't. They took the lead on the list, and if cost kept people off, we cut from our wish list -- not from theirs.

We also helped all three with down payments.

There are certain things that you just DO for your daughters. Giving them the wedding they want is one of them.

Who pays for the wedding if the brides parents are broke? Should they take out a loan or 401k loan?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The only thing I’ll add here is if you do not pay for the wedding (or contribute a substantial amount), the couple is under no obligation to invite your guests. So, no, if the couple is paying your coworkers aren’t coming. Your cousin who isn’t close to your kid isn’t coming. The guest list is entirely up to the couple.

If you contribute you are now the hosts and can dictate the guest list to some extent.

That was one reason dh and I paid for our own wedding. My parents decided to cover the alcohol, IL's paid for the Limo. (Something dh had to have.)

The guest list was ours.

My parents have paid for our wedding 15 years ago. But they started adding and adding lists of people they wanted to invite. My brother and sister each had over 150 people at their weddings (my brother’s was over 200) and we didn’t want that at all. It felt like a waste of money and not who we are. My parents kept saying “don’t worry about it” but I had a specific vibe and budget in mind. Our guests would have to be in multiple rooms if we went too big. I finally told my mom “I want to walk up to every person at my wedding and give them a huge hug and say ‘it means so much to me (or DH) that you’re here today.’ If we can’t say that, they shouldn’t be there.” Ultimately we had 80 people at our wedding of whom 40 were my large family, 10 were DH’s family, and the rest were a mix of our friends and parents’ friends. I didn’t know the minister’s wife and it was the first time I met the man my good friend eventually married, but otherwise either my husband or I knew everyone well. My mom still talks about how much she liked the size of our wedding. It was incredibly generous of them and I still appreciate it - we certainly would have done something different if we were paying while still grad students - but it did mean we had to make more decisions jointly.

We saw the bride family paying an outdated tradition like dowry and paid ourselves.

Anonymous wrote:The only thing I’ll add here is if you do not pay for the wedding (or contribute a substantial amount), the couple is under no obligation to invite your guests. So, no, if the couple is paying your coworkers aren’t coming. Your cousin who isn’t close to your kid isn’t coming. The guest list is entirely up to the couple.

If you contribute you are now the hosts and can dictate the guest list to some extent.

That was one reason dh and I paid for our own wedding. My parents decided to cover the alcohol, IL's paid for the Limo. (Something dh had to have.)

The guest list was ours.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Daughter just got engaged!! How soon do we start the who will pay for what discussions. Do we start with our daughter or the couple together. Any suggestions? p.s. we have never met future inlaws and it would require a plane ride to meet in person.

Groom pays for rehearsal dinner.

Bride pays for every thing else.

If both have been working for awhile, parents should not even have to pay for weddings.

+1. This. But if career professionals, they pay for it, as my DW and I did.

Here is one for people to get pissed off about! My SIL and brother left a typed note on my parents’ kitchen table when they were out saying that my parents were expected to pay for the following things: Photo Booth, rehearsal dinner, and some other things. It was really my SIL who did it, bc my brother has careless grammar. He was in on it obviously, so no points for him, but many family members held this and SIL’s other wedding behavior against her for a while. My parents took them out to lunch and informed them they would be getting the same chunk of money that the other children in the family received to do as they please with it. My sister got married in her early 20s and it covered all of her wedding costs. I ended up with a bigger wedding in my mid 30s, which we planned to cover entirely, but we’re happy to accept the gift. I also told my parents they could invite whoever they wanted before they gave us any money.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Daughter just got engaged!! How soon do we start the who will pay for what discussions. Do we start with our daughter or the couple together. Any suggestions? p.s. we have never met future inlaws and it would require a plane ride to meet in person.

Groom pays for rehearsal dinner.

Bride pays for every thing else.

If both have been working for awhile, parents should not even have to pay for weddings.

This was never the rule, but something one group of people did. Please don't perpetuate it.

No, not a rule, but quite common.

My special day was not mine but my DD's And yes we helped with the cost.