Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A DH here who has had to travel for work. Sound like he's new to travel. It'll get old after a while and mabye he'll cut back anyway. My friends claim they're jealous when I mention how often I fly business class to Asia to meet clients. I actually dread it. 20+ hours of traveling each way; terrible jet lag.. No lie-flat seat or champagne and food on board will make up for that. Once a year is fine.. more than that is a slog.

But more importantly, it sounds like you are focused on the moment and assuming it'll remain that way forever. It won't. The kids will be grown up in a year's time and already in full-time preschool/ES by then. Then they'll be in ES, and so on.. It'll just get easier from that perspective. I had one trip once right after our 2nd DC was born.. like DD was a week old. It was an annual business event that I had to attend. DW knew it -- I'd been going to it for years. I arranged help, and left for back home the moment it finished, minimizing to being gone only 3 days. She understood -- we made it work.

Nowadays kids are in ES and it's no big deal if I need to go on a trip. They grow up. You're in a really tough stage, but it's giong to get better.

LOL, clueless husband alert. You should ask your DW what she really thinks of your trips.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I'm so sorry, that sounds frustrating and exhausting. I really hate that he has put you in this position.

Having said that (100% on your side here, this is for practical reasons) the first thing I would do is take him up on his suggestion to throw money at this problem and hire more help. The reason I say yes to this, even if it's a stretch financially, is that I think you are in crisis mode and you need rest and support. If your DH isn't providing it, the minimum he can do is pay for it. I would think of this as a temporary solution to ease the situation for you so that you can take next steps.

I think once childcare/house management is under control, the next step is couples counseling. And I would not take no for an answer from him. Use the D word (divorce) if you have to -- he need to understand how serious this. You guys are not merely in a high stress period, there has been a serious breach of trust and it has to be addressed before you can move forward. I don't care if he has to dial in to therapy sessions from the road, I think this is essential if you want to salvage your marriage. You need to work through how/why he felt he could make this decision unilaterally, knowing the extreme burden it would put on you, and you need to get to a place where you feel confident he won't do this again. I view his decision as completely out of bounds for any marriage with kids -- you simply do not dump the majority of childcare/housework on your spouse for a job without her agreement. You do not do it.

The next thing I'd do is assess options and make a list. Obviously at the top of his list is "keep job, pay for more help, hope for big payout soon." Fine, that can be on the list. But other options need to be on there too, including him maybe going back to his old job, finding a new job, or (and ONLY if this is something that appeals to you) you taking a leave of absence at your work to get you through the most expensive childcare period with your twins and get your older DS into school. I would only consider that last one if you are really, really committed to the marriage working and think it will, because of course you do not want to leave your job, even temporarily, if you might split up.

Then I'd create a timeframe with him. You cannot wait around for an indefinite period of time for this big payout. But maybe with additional help you'd be willing to give him a year. Maybe you are not and need him to leave that job now. I'm not you so I can't decide for you. But I'd be considered the pros and cons of everything. If there is a chance he could make a lot of money in the next year or so, I might be willing to "suck it up" until the as long I'm not completely drowning. But of course I'd only be willing to do that if he was doing the work in therapy to understand why taking the job against my wishes was disrespectful in the first place. I'd also be looking for some quid pro quo on this. If you have career or personal goals that have been put on hiatus while having kids and after he pulled this stupid stunt, I'd be looking for his support in accomplishing those when his stint in this job ends (especially if it ends with a big financial payoff). You don't exist just to help him achieve his goals. It's a partnership.

Those are my thoughts off the top of my head. Like I said, totally on your side. But he did this and now you are in a bind, so you've got to figure out how to address the situation as it stands, even as you continue to be justifiably angry with him for putting you in the situation.

Best of luck to you. Sleep regressions end! I know it doesn't feel that way right now. If we were friends IRL I'd come spend the night at your house tonight so you could go to a hotel and sleep.

OP here..Thank you for this! it was very thoughtful. I don't want to stop working it would be too hard to return to my very sought after position. My only option is therapy and an ultimatum. I have 6 months left in me and that's it.

So you're unwilling to disrupt your career, but disrupting his is your preferred option?

That's going to go well.

Anonymous wrote:Looks like the mean girls found the thread.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I'm so sorry, that sounds frustrating and exhausting. I really hate that he has put you in this position.

Having said that (100% on your side here, this is for practical reasons) the first thing I would do is take him up on his suggestion to throw money at this problem and hire more help. The reason I say yes to this, even if it's a stretch financially, is that I think you are in crisis mode and you need rest and support. If your DH isn't providing it, the minimum he can do is pay for it. I would think of this as a temporary solution to ease the situation for you so that you can take next steps.

I think once childcare/house management is under control, the next step is couples counseling. And I would not take no for an answer from him. Use the D word (divorce) if you have to -- he need to understand how serious this. You guys are not merely in a high stress period, there has been a serious breach of trust and it has to be addressed before you can move forward. I don't care if he has to dial in to therapy sessions from the road, I think this is essential if you want to salvage your marriage. You need to work through how/why he felt he could make this decision unilaterally, knowing the extreme burden it would put on you, and you need to get to a place where you feel confident he won't do this again. I view his decision as completely out of bounds for any marriage with kids -- you simply do not dump the majority of childcare/housework on your spouse for a job without her agreement. You do not do it.

The next thing I'd do is assess options and make a list. Obviously at the top of his list is "keep job, pay for more help, hope for big payout soon." Fine, that can be on the list. But other options need to be on there too, including him maybe going back to his old job, finding a new job, or (and ONLY if this is something that appeals to you) you taking a leave of absence at your work to get you through the most expensive childcare period with your twins and get your older DS into school. I would only consider that last one if you are really, really committed to the marriage working and think it will, because of course you do not want to leave your job, even temporarily, if you might split up.

Then I'd create a timeframe with him. You cannot wait around for an indefinite period of time for this big payout. But maybe with additional help you'd be willing to give him a year. Maybe you are not and need him to leave that job now. I'm not you so I can't decide for you. But I'd be considered the pros and cons of everything. If there is a chance he could make a lot of money in the next year or so, I might be willing to "suck it up" until the as long I'm not completely drowning. But of course I'd only be willing to do that if he was doing the work in therapy to understand why taking the job against my wishes was disrespectful in the first place. I'd also be looking for some quid pro quo on this. If you have career or personal goals that have been put on hiatus while having kids and after he pulled this stupid stunt, I'd be looking for his support in accomplishing those when his stint in this job ends (especially if it ends with a big financial payoff). You don't exist just to help him achieve his goals. It's a partnership.

Those are my thoughts off the top of my head. Like I said, totally on your side. But he did this and now you are in a bind, so you've got to figure out how to address the situation as it stands, even as you continue to be justifiably angry with him for putting you in the situation.

Best of luck to you. Sleep regressions end! I know it doesn't feel that way right now. If we were friends IRL I'd come spend the night at your house tonight so you could go to a hotel and sleep.

OP here..Thank you for this! it was very thoughtful. I don't want to stop working it would be too hard to return to my very sought after position. My only option is therapy and an ultimatum. I have 6 months left in me and that's it.

So you're unwilling to disrupt your career, but disrupting his is your preferred option?

That's going to go well.

Sorry but my career isn’t the source of our problems. I WFH no travel. Flexible schedule. Why should I stop working ?

PP is crazy. You absolutely should NOT quit your job.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A DH here who has had to travel for work. Sound like he's new to travel. It'll get old after a while and mabye he'll cut back anyway. My friends claim they're jealous when I mention how often I fly business class to Asia to meet clients. I actually dread it. 20+ hours of traveling each way; terrible jet lag.. No lie-flat seat or champagne and food on board will make up for that. Once a year is fine.. more than that is a slog.

But more importantly, it sounds like you are focused on the moment and assuming it'll remain that way forever. It won't. The kids will be grown up in a year's time and already in full-time preschool/ES by then. Then they'll be in ES, and so on.. It'll just get easier from that perspective. I had one trip once right after our 2nd DC was born.. like DD was a week old. It was an annual business event that I had to attend. DW knew it -- I'd been going to it for years. I arranged help, and left for back home the moment it finished, minimizing to being gone only 3 days. She understood -- we made it work.

Nowadays kids are in ES and it's no big deal if I need to go on a trip. They grow up. You're in a really tough stage, but it's giong to get better.

LOL, clueless husband alert. You should ask your DW what she really thinks of your trips.

Anonymous wrote:A DH here who has had to travel for work. Sound like he's new to travel. It'll get old after a while and mabye he'll cut back anyway. My friends claim they're jealous when I mention how often I fly business class to Asia to meet clients. I actually dread it. 20+ hours of traveling each way; terrible jet lag.. No lie-flat seat or champagne and food on board will make up for that. Once a year is fine.. more than that is a slog.

But more importantly, it sounds like you are focused on the moment and assuming it'll remain that way forever. It won't. The kids will be grown up in a year's time and already in full-time preschool/ES by then. Then they'll be in ES, and so on.. It'll just get easier from that perspective. I had one trip once right after our 2nd DC was born.. like DD was a week old. It was an annual business event that I had to attend. DW knew it -- I'd been going to it for years. I arranged help, and left for back home the moment it finished, minimizing to being gone only 3 days. She understood -- we made it work.

Nowadays kids are in ES and it's no big deal if I need to go on a trip. They grow up. You're in a really tough stage, but it's giong to get better.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Naps and exhaustion from traveling? Are you sure he isn’t having an affair?

I travel internationally and it's exhausting.

That said, I could neither be gone more than 20% of the time (I travel about 8-9 weeks per year and it's a lot) nor would I tolerate a spouse with a heavy travel schedule unless the kids were in high school and DH and I weren't actually in a real relationship any more.

OP, I'm sorry to say but I think your husband has checked out on purpose and this is his cover. I hope I am wrong but I doubt you can solve this without some serious couples therapy.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have a full time nanny and a babysitter... how much more help do you need?

I have a 35hr per week nanny and an emergency babysitter that I use on sick days.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Naps and exhaustion from traveling? Are you sure he isn’t having an affair?

I travel internationally and it's exhausting.

That said, I could neither be gone more than 20% of the time (I travel about 8-9 weeks per year and it's a lot) nor would I tolerate a spouse with a heavy travel schedule unless the kids were in high school and DH and I weren't actually in a real relationship any more.

OP, I'm sorry to say but I think your husband has checked out on purpose and this is his cover. I hope I am wrong but I doubt you can solve this without some serious couples therapy.

I’m sorry. He is traveling business class, staying in nice hotels, and probably has client dinners and drinks. He can find other times to nap. He is partying and the question is how far it goes.