Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your MIL is 91 and you have 3 young children? Are you young enough to be your husband’s child?

I was wondering that too, but then OP revealed in a follow-up post that she has a 16-year-old. Which is not a "young child", but of course, she could have an infant and toddler at home as well. How old is the husband/son of the 91-year-old?

No idea why the fascination or why this matters- but I have a 6, 14 and 16 year old. One husband all our kids. What the heck does that matter? And my husband is 60- older than me but I’m 50 so not freak show.
Point is, I’m driving kids around and have daycare concerns- three kids schedule - all three at different schools- one in track (in season now), competitive dance (in season now), son coaches soccer snd trying out for bball team- and little one plays soccer. So we are busy- brother in law- none of that.

Who knows why my MIL is 91- guess I’ll be sure to ask her why she had kids when she did- since that seems to be part of evaluation.

You don't have young kids! You've got 2 kids old enough to babysit, arrange their own rides and pitch in to help. One of those kids is even old enough to drive.

They're probably also old enough to realize that everyone's time on this earth is limited and that 91 years is more than long enough to be alive. I doubt any of their friends/classmates have relatives that old, so the OP's two oldest kids probably feel grateful that their grandmother has lived as long as she has and, like their uncle, are ready to let her go. They may not be little kids, but they're still pretty young and have their whole lives ahead of them. I think it would be pretty selfish to expect them to make sacrifices for someone who should be dead.

“Someone who should be dead”? Where the F is your humanity? So after a certain age people (even those we presumably love and with whom we share a long history) should just be left alone in the hospital? Their life has no meaning or value, nor does their comfort or dignity? We should not honor them and be there for them? But PP, I cannot fathom your coldness.

Ultimately, OP - you have your value system that you live by and your IL’s have theirs. You cannot control the choices they make, nor their lack of care; I understand your frustration and dismay, but just keep an eye on your own path, the one that gives you peace and lets you sleep at night. But do not martyr yourself and ignore self care - it’s okay to find that balance for yourself.

Yes, they were blessed to live a long life, and not all of us are so fortunate. Yes, every adult has the right to make their own choices about how much elder care they can provide.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your MIL is 91 and you have 3 young children? Are you young enough to be your husband’s child?

I was wondering that too, but then OP revealed in a follow-up post that she has a 16-year-old. Which is not a "young child", but of course, she could have an infant and toddler at home as well. How old is the husband/son of the 91-year-old?

No idea why the fascination or why this matters- but I have a 6, 14 and 16 year old. One husband all our kids. What the heck does that matter? And my husband is 60- older than me but I’m 50 so not freak show.
Point is, I’m driving kids around and have daycare concerns- three kids schedule - all three at different schools- one in track (in season now), competitive dance (in season now), son coaches soccer snd trying out for bball team- and little one plays soccer. So we are busy- brother in law- none of that.

Who knows why my MIL is 91- guess I’ll be sure to ask her why she had kids when she did- since that seems to be part of evaluation.

You don't have young kids! You've got 2 kids old enough to babysit, arrange their own rides and pitch in to help. One of those kids is even old enough to drive.

They're probably also old enough to realize that everyone's time on this earth is limited and that 91 years is more than long enough to be alive. I doubt any of their friends/classmates have relatives that old, so the OP's two oldest kids probably feel grateful that their grandmother has lived as long as she has and, like their uncle, are ready to let her go. They may not be little kids, but they're still pretty young and have their whole lives ahead of them. I think it would be pretty selfish to expect them to make sacrifices for someone who should be dead.

Anonymous wrote:Wait and see what? If she dies? I’m not sure those are results first doing the stats on. First stroke- go. If becomes a regular condition, then take that “I’m really busy” approach.
At 91, don’t really think there could be too many of these to become annoying.

+1

Anonymous wrote:Not your mom, not your call. Sorry. He obviously knows she is dying and doesn't care much.

+1

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's not your brother-in-law's fault his mother had a stroke. She's old. Her health is not his problem. He has a life of his own. He's an adult, and does not have to go everywhere his parents go anymore.

He has a moral obligation to do the right thing and not just drop it on his siblings. He is a loser.

How do you know he would object if his brother stopped visiting their mother as well? Haven't you heard the saying, "to each his own"? Just like OP's brother-in-law has no right to tell her husband to not visit their mother, her husband has no right to tell her brother-in-law to visit their mother. The BIL is probably just grateful that their mother lived as long as she did. I mean, I have a childhood friend whose mother died in her 30s when she was only 8.

Anonymous wrote:It's not your brother-in-law's fault his mother had a stroke. She's old. Her health is not his problem. He has a life of his own. He's an adult, and does not have to go everywhere his parents go anymore.

He has a moral obligation to do the right thing and not just drop it on his siblings. He is a loser.

It's not your brother-in-law's fault his mother had a stroke. She's old. Her health is not his problem. He has a life of his own. He's an adult, and does not have to go everywhere his parents go anymore.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you've got some nerve to criticize your BIL. He didn't ask you to come into his family. YOU decided to enter his family by marrying his brother. Your BIL's relationship with his mother is absolutely none of your business. They are only your family because of a choice you made. If you don't like what's happening in a family that you decided to join, then maybe you think about making the decision to leave.

Dang, OP hit a nerve with you, huh? I think you’re projecting something onto OP that isn’t warranted. Sounds like you have a black and white / cut and run personality type. Not everything calls for the nuclear option.

If my sister were to criticize my relationship with our parents, I'd at-least hear her out and consider what she had to say. If my sister's husband were to criticize my relationship with my parents, I'd be pretty ticked, as I did not ask him to join our family.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your MIL is 91 and you have 3 young children? Are you young enough to be your husband’s child?

I was wondering that too, but then OP revealed in a follow-up post that she has a 16-year-old. Which is not a "young child", but of course, she could have an infant and toddler at home as well. How old is the husband/son of the 91-year-old?

No idea why the fascination or why this matters- but I have a 6, 14 and 16 year old. One husband all our kids. What the heck does that matter? And my husband is 60- older than me but I’m 50 so not freak show.
Point is, I’m driving kids around and have daycare concerns- three kids schedule - all three at different schools- one in track (in season now), competitive dance (in season now), son coaches soccer snd trying out for bball team- and little one plays soccer. So we are busy- brother in law- none of that.

Who knows why my MIL is 91- guess I’ll be sure to ask her why she had kids when she did- since that seems to be part of evaluation.

Once again, for those who haven't read your previous threads, you moved your MIL to live close to you, and took on this burden. You really can't be upset at your BIL doesn't travel to do the caregiving you explicitly assumed. If you were too busy to do it, you shouldn't have taken it on.

+1

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your MIL is 91 and you have 3 young children? Are you young enough to be your husband’s child?

I was wondering that too, but then OP revealed in a follow-up post that she has a 16-year-old. Which is not a "young child", but of course, she could have an infant and toddler at home as well. How old is the husband/son of the 91-year-old?

No idea why the fascination or why this matters- but I have a 6, 14 and 16 year old. One husband all our kids. What the heck does that matter? And my husband is 60- older than me but I’m 50 so not freak show.
Point is, I’m driving kids around and have daycare concerns- three kids schedule - all three at different schools- one in track (in season now), competitive dance (in season now), son coaches soccer snd trying out for bball team- and little one plays soccer. So we are busy- brother in law- none of that.

Who knows why my MIL is 91- guess I’ll be sure to ask her why she had kids when she did- since that seems to be part of evaluation.

It doesn't matter how available you think your BIL is, his time is his time. If you don't like the stress/pressure this is having on you, it's up to YOU to make adjustments to your life and stop expecting others to accommodate your choices.

+1

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your MIL is 91 and you have 3 young children? Are you young enough to be your husband’s child?

I was wondering that too, but then OP revealed in a follow-up post that she has a 16-year-old. Which is not a "young child", but of course, she could have an infant and toddler at home as well. How old is the husband/son of the 91-year-old?

No idea why the fascination or why this matters- but I have a 6, 14 and 16 year old. One husband all our kids. What the heck does that matter? And my husband is 60- older than me but I’m 50 so not freak show.
Point is, I’m driving kids around and have daycare concerns- three kids schedule - all three at different schools- one in track (in season now), competitive dance (in season now), son coaches soccer snd trying out for bball team- and little one plays soccer. So we are busy- brother in law- none of that.

Who knows why my MIL is 91- guess I’ll be sure to ask her why she had kids when she did- since that seems to be part of evaluation.

You don't have young kids! You've got 2 kids old enough to babysit, arrange their own rides and pitch in to help. One of those kids is even old enough to drive. It doesn't matter how available you think your BIL is, his time is his time. If you don't like the stress/pressure this is having on you, it's up to YOU to make adjustments to your life and stop expecting others to accommodate your choices.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your MIL is 91 and you have 3 young children? Are you young enough to be your husband’s child?

I was wondering that too, but then OP revealed in a follow-up post that she has a 16-year-old. Which is not a "young child", but of course, she could have an infant and toddler at home as well. How old is the husband/son of the 91-year-old?

No idea why the fascination or why this matters- but I have a 6, 14 and 16 year old. One husband all our kids. What the heck does that matter? And my husband is 60- older than me but I’m 50 so not freak show.
Point is, I’m driving kids around and have daycare concerns- three kids schedule - all three at different schools- one in track (in season now), competitive dance (in season now), son coaches soccer snd trying out for bball team- and little one plays soccer. So we are busy- brother in law- none of that.

Who knows why my MIL is 91- guess I’ll be sure to ask her why she had kids when she did- since that seems to be part of evaluation.

Once again, for those who haven't read your previous threads, you moved your MIL to live close to you, and took on this burden. You really can't be upset at your BIL doesn't travel to do the caregiving you explicitly assumed. If you were too busy to do it, you shouldn't have taken it on.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are reading too much into this. I’m the distant relative and when my dad had his first stroke, I took the wait and see approach. When he had the second, I was in the hospital for 4 days and nights relieving my brothers, and was there every week after that. What good would it have done for me to rush down and all of us be exhausted? They handled it and then tapped me in so they could attend to their work and families. Then I left and did the same.. Parental health issues are a marathon, not a sprint. The best case scenarios have people working as a team and not keeping score of who is where at what time.

I hope her stroke is mild. Prognosis for these things is generally wait-and-see as the full scope can only be known over time. Don’t burn yourself out, or burn bridges, so soon. It could be a long road.

This is exactly the crappy thinking that annoys. You clearly were out to hood use belong with stroke two- but apparently you decided to take a pass on helping stroke 1- WTF!! Wasn’t stroke 1 worth the same concern for the father and need for help to the other sibling??? Seriously that’s the issue- you states away can merely “decide” how much you are there for both. You assume the other sibling is the caregiver and you are “helpful when convenient”. If you could hear yourself saying it, how can you not realize the insanity.

DP. You still haven't learned that how one family handles issues may not be the same as another family - and neither are wrong. My family and I take the same approach as the person you are responding to. We recognize the marathon-nature of medical care even when the issue is life-threatening. We don't use 'attendance' as a barometer of love or caring. My brother lives 600 miles from and my sister over 1,000. When my mother had a stroke, I didn't expect them to drop everything and attend to her even though we didn't know what the outcome would be. We recognize how precious life is and don't use a crisis as a 'last chance'. We talk the situation over and determine how to handle things. That may mean me suggesting when I could use help from a sibling. That may mean the sibling decides when they want to come. That may not be how your family does it and that's fine but don't judge mine by your standards.

My mother had first stroke last year and I am saying first because there was 65% chance first stroke leads to second. My mother was healthy and 79.
We were allowed to spend the night and I did first night but not next one. Then next 2 did.. Hospital was very short staffed. They would bring tray and leave it. She was notopening her eyes. I could not believe that but I swear. They moved her to new room because a machine didn’t work and didn’t even realize they had not brought her dinner. The staff was nice but definitely important I was there to watch. The second time I spent night, the nurses come in once between dinner and midnight. My mother woke up and tore all her cords and lines out including her IV.
Just saying she needed an advocate.
On day 6 after some progress- she passed. Still not sure what happened. But yea a stroke is unpredictable. My sister was there with me the second day. She stayed and we took shifts. She left on day 6- then my mom passed. No connection.
We feel lucky we were with her but I can say we never predicted that outcome. We both work but went by her side with almost round the clock.

Anonymous wrote:You are reading too much into this. I’m the distant relative and when my dad had his first stroke, I took the wait and see approach. When he had the second, I was in the hospital for 4 days and nights relieving my brothers, and was there every week after that. What good would it have done for me to rush down and all of us be exhausted? They handled it and then tapped me in so they could attend to their work and families. Then I left and did the same.. Parental health issues are a marathon, not a sprint. The best case scenarios have people working as a team and not keeping score of who is where at what time.

I hope her stroke is mild. Prognosis for these things is generally wait-and-see as the full scope can only be known over time. Don’t burn yourself out, or burn bridges, so soon. It could be a long road.

This is exactly the crappy thinking that annoys. You clearly were out to hood use belong with stroke two- but apparently you decided to take a pass on helping stroke 1- WTF!! Wasn’t stroke 1 worth the same concern for the father and need for help to the other sibling??? Seriously that’s the issue- you states away can merely “decide” how much you are there for both. You assume the other sibling is the caregiver and you are “helpful when convenient”. If you could hear yourself saying it, how can you not realize the insanity.